Any advice...

[blue_man]

To begin with... we are going through a rough time... or i shud say I am going through a roguh time.

We are together 6 yrs. Married for almost 4 years now. We are from different nationality. I am from asian background and she is american. My family opposed me desperately when I had decided to marry this beautiful woman. But I had
gone ahead with the decision, inspite of the fact that I love my family very much and we are always very close. It hurt them very bad. but eventually they accepted our marriagea nd gave their blessings.

During these 5/6 years, now I realize I took her love for granted... sometimes I was arrogant.. sometimes ignorant. But I always told her how much I loved her and I left the entire world to be with her. Before the marriage I had explained to her so many times in so many ways that marriage is a once in a life time thing for me...and she has to be very sure that she wants to go through this.

Of course we had our frustrations and fights... And Now i realize I used to be verbally abusive... of course Iwon't use any bad language.. just used to get to the point where I used to say mean things that.. i might have made the worst mistake of my life etc....and I might break away from her....if she didn't change....

Of course the next day we used to be fine.. i used to be sorry for what i said.. and i always told her that what i say in angel is not what i mean... and she said she understood.... but now i realize she always felt pressured..and threatened.. and felt that i was controlling her.... To some extent.. or may be to a large extende its my fault that afte a long time .. she finally told me two weeks ago that she doesn't have feelings for me... she feels guilty for runing my life.. but she has to find her own way....

It was such a shock for me.. I couldn't react to it properly... obvious response was surrender...and acceptance to do anything she desires... and that night she said she wants to go to her friends place.. it's supposed to be a Gurl... .. When I inquired in more detail about this friend... she refused to let me know anything about her... and she said..that she will tell me when she feels right....

She hasn't been home even one night since then... I went away for 3-4 days.. but after i came back...all the same... she comes to home once in a while...in the afternoons...she refuses to tell me about her friend... and she continues to tell me that she doesn't have feelings for me....

She had a bad childhood.. she has very bad family and her mother married 5-6 times... She is very loving person..and suddenly she turned so harsh.. I couldn't adjust very well.... ... We talked sometimes that we need to help give each other space and help the love grow back again.... but slowly she started turning hostile towards me.. cause i couldn't stand to see her away from me....and me hurting and she hurtung....

Today she has decided that she wants to go with this friend of hers ( she says they are friends for 2-3 months now) .. and she also says .. she started to have lose feeling sor me since 2-3 months.... And we had a major arguement.. which I didn't want to have.. but I had to have this talk of what do you want ? and she said she doesn't love me anymore... I have so deep feelings for her and she dry... Can it happen ? or is my head burried in sand... I Asked her again and again if she ihaving an affair... which she says no... .. i have told her that affairs are nice in first year... but commitments to marriage are the most important thing in life.... and she knows from my family background and culture.. i mean it... that my commitments a re life to me....

She has left now... and i still dont know who that "she" is... of course i asked her if sh turned gay.. which she laughed at.... she left couple of hrs ago... and i am wondering what should be my be my next step. I am willing
to do everything possible to save my marriage... she says she wants to move out for a month or two.. and I have
to let her go... and if she gets the feelings back.. she will be back...
It is very hard.. hardest thing for me ever...I love her and she is dry towards me.. and she wants to be away
from me...
I sometimes think i am weak to not let her have space.. sometimes feel I was ignorant.. I was so stupid to have
taken her love for granted.. and be abusive sometimes... but in all these.. she says she knows that I love her
to death and care for her so much....
Any advice.. comment... anything.. I Am desperate... and so all alone away from my family... and I know I want to give her world... ofc ourse i am praying.. and sometimes i am telling my self to let go... and sometimes to fight to save s precious....such a rough emotional journey it has been.....for last 2 weeks....

[Liz]

Dear Blue man

Feelings aren't everything in love as you know. You see love as a commitment. But many people say that they need to feel loving. Sometimes things get so difficult that people want to walk away. Your wife must have become very hurt. With her difficult family background she may find it hard to trust you when things got painful. With that background she may find it easier to walk away than to try and work on your problems.

You might find this article on managed separation (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/managedsepn/) of interest.

Is she willing to go to counselling with you? Have you asked her what would make it easier for her to come home and work things out? Remember that cultural differences can make things difficult too. When you don't understadn how she behaves, try and think through whether it is because she sees life in a different way from you and how you can show her that you understand this.

I hope that you can find a way to continue to talk to your wife and find a wy through this.

Liz

[parri]

Hi Blue Man,

I can understand how it feels when someone just walks out without explaining. It seems like all the years you have put into building the relationship means nothing and nothing you do seems to get things back on track work.
At least you can see her and try to work out things. Many are in a worse situation than you are. I wish that you win your lady love back.

Parri

[blue_man]

From my first note.
She moved out - (lot of her stuff is in house.) Its been month.

I went through a lot of emotions and frustrations.. during this time I tried to talk her and.... as I
see it(even she accepts) I have totally changed.. I Am more calm and quiet person...(I Realize) I
used to get angry on short notice and it used to make her afraid of me to tell me anything...

but i found out she was staying with a guy, she still denies that she likes him or more.. "just a
friend" and she said she didn't tell me cause she was afraid how I would react or think...

She has started talking about divorce.. which I said I understand if she wants it and let's just be
at least friends.

I feel I am calm at this moment.. but there is storm inside me... 5 years! and we did sacrifice so
much to be with each other. Yes I know I took her for granted.. but i also was telling her for
past 4-5 months that my love for her is growing everyday that I spend with her..

Now what?She says she is living on her own.. alone(she doesn't tell me which apartment etc.)
and she says She cannot stay married to me if we cannot live together and if she cannot bring
back the love she had for me.

I do love her a lot, she also says she knows.She also says she loves me(for it won't hurt her
so much to tell me that she wants "D") Is there hope? What should I do? She does seem confused
and I want to help, but me telling her anything will have opposite effect on her.. So for now
I am just trying to be her friend, and as a "H" agreeing to everything she is asking.. even "D"

I think her male friend is encouraging her, she is an independant person but sometimes ppl do
influence just by agreeing. I think she is messing up her life, of course I will lose her, but
she will lose me too. She knows I have lot to offer. Not to boast about it but I truely believe
that I can offer her all the happiness in the world and am capable, especially after this experience,
I treasure her, I am willing to forgive and truely ask her forgiveness change myself..even she agrees
that I have been changing.. been doing 180.

But now what? I am having sleepless nights, wondering what else I can do to make her see I am
a brand new me and she doesn't have to go anywhere else to search for happiness... She has
worked so hard to make me see things and she deserves happiness. Of course, I am sure I will be
happy with her and don't want to throw 5 yrs just like that... want to try everything possible..

Any advice? comment?

[poppy]

Blue-Man - at the risk of sounding cruel, sometimes we don't realise what we had until we've lost it/driven it away. It sounds to me that you treated your wife very badly over a number of years, you acknowledge this yourself, and I would guess that this was because of your own issues, which maybe you are not acknowledging, perhaps around the early difficulties with your family. Maybe this created a deep resentment in you, and you have taken this out on your wife, however unwittingly. Sadly, I don't think you wife will return to you and perhaps you need to recognise this, and if you really love her, set her free to lead her own life, and start to rebuild yours. As we all know, relationships are complex things, and love alone will not keep a person by our side.

[blue_man]

Thanks poppy, I guess I got to do what I go to do.

[blue_man]

But I also think that I am going to everything possible to make things work with her... She did all this for me and now its my turn... I am going to make her fall in love with me again.

[poppy]

I wish you all the luck in the world. I truly hope it works out for you.

[parri]

Hi Blue Man,

Hope things have changed for better.

[chris12345]

Dear Blue Man,

First, as bad as your situation is (I can only imagine), the fact that you don't have children (or at least you didn't mention it), is huge.

As to the relationship with your wife, most marriages have enough trouble on their own. Yours is greatly compounded with your different background. From your wifes perspective, she may feel unwanted, or not "good" enough by your own family. While it is true that love is between two people, never under estimate the huge role surrounding family makes towards your own relationship with your wife.

Also, wether or not you and your wife stay together, you should try to work on your abusive langauge (I do it to on rare occasion). Although things that have been said the night before go forgiven by the next day, there are/is always a small amount of resentment left in our minds. To yell and argue is one thing, but to disrespect is another.

You do not want to hear this part-

Your wife is probably having an affair. If the shoe was on the other foot, could you live with another woman for three months and not develop some sort of relationship with her? At the risk of sounding like a cave man women hater (which is far from the truth), I propose that most, again most men don't have really close women friends. Like while you go out with your guy friends to a game or whatever, you wouldn't do the same with a woman, particularly when your married.

My advice,

If your feeling energenic, try to go to counciling with her (if she wants to) for a few to six months. If it still doesn't work, move on.

P.S. Before my wife and I got married we completely split for 4 months, after which we got back together. So there always is HOPE.