just so

[Ashamed]

My partner cheated on me with her ex and then another younger man. I have never been unfaithful to her, not even nearly. I am devastated and so ashamed and disrespected. Sometimes I feel so angry at her. I love her and the kids (not my kids), but I am so afraid at my own confusion.

[Liz]

Dear Ashamed

What a shock for you. You are bound to have strong feelings and confusion. None of it will make sense, especially if your girl is behaving in a way you would not.

Why not have a look at the articles here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) about infidelity. They will help you see that your reaction is not unusual. It is ok to feel the way you do.

It will be difficult to know how to work forward from . You say very little in your posting, but you will need to talk through with her what she really wants. Infidelity is no basis for a long term relationship and you need to know that she is committed to you and can be trusted.

If she cannot be faithful, then you will not be bale to change her nad may have to accept that she is not the one for you, however strong your feelings for her and commitment to her are.

Liz

[Ashamed]

Having said what I have said in other posts, I need to be true to my own words as well. I am confused and scared to make the wrong decisions, but sitting on the fence is even worse. I suppose we all know the answers within ourselves. I need to make decisions. I actually don't want to, but I know I need to. I am also hoping for a "miracle", but miralces are what we make happen with our souls, right here, right now.

I am going to go speak to my soulmate. If she feels that I am her soulmate, she'll understand and respond accordingly. If not, then I'll have to be strong enough to move on with my life.

Good luck to everyone. I'll let you know how it went.

[London]

Good luck ashamed.....

[Ashamed]

Thank you Liz and London for your support. The strangest thing happened. Sadly, my partner's nan passed away this week. I could not speak to her now until the family settles down, probably by Friday next week. Further, everytime I feel my angry emotions rising up in me, a quiet voice chides me not to be hasty. It makes no sense to me, but I do trust the quiet voice in my heart.

Yes Liz, it was a shock to me. Afterwards, I asked my partner to tell her ex that her and I are together, but she says she will when she is ready. That was nearly 2 months ago. The thought has crept up on me that she might have been 2-timing me with him all along. She seems more loyal to him than to me and refers to him as her family. Unfortunately, when confronted, my partner seems to only tell the degree of truth to make the situation go away.

As such, I have had to find out in drips and drabs what has been going on. She won't tell me the full truth though, as she knows I would just walk away. Sadly, I am most probably going to walk away because of the lack of truth instead. I suppose I have slowly been walking away already. My heart knows they slept together regularly, my heart knows she took him back as her husband.

I feel raw inside and my head cannot cope with the emotions. I honestly believed she loved me. We had shared so much intimicay together, beyond anyone's imagination. I am still struggling to believe she went and gave away our love just like that to others, just because they asked her to. I am genuinely struggling to accept how little she thinks of me, my love, our love, the kids, everyone to just give it away for free. he is not even supporting her financially or otherwise.

I am actually distressed at how little she cares for my life. What kind of person does such a thing? She slept with him, then after he left, the very same day, she had me back in her bed again? It took me a week and a massive row to find out what had been going on. How could she endanger my health like that? No, she used no protection! My god!

We had always agreed that things could happen, but that we would not expose each other like that. We had agreed how wrong and disrespectful it would be. I respect her right to make any choice she wished for HER life, but I have an equal right to decide over MY life. I should have been given the choice to sleep with her again or not. By the time I found out, it was too late.

To add insult to injury, she went for an STD test, telling the doctor that I might have been sleeping around. Meanwhile, she was worried because her ex told her he has multiple partners. Actually, if this was not so sick, it would have been disgusting!

Then she goes off with a 30 year old, the time after when we were rowing, and she swops spit with him with all the physical gropings involved and what not. I asked her why she did that, she looked at me and said she was thinking about me and missing me. To top it all, she laffed and said: "He is 30!" as if that explains it all. She is a 36 year old woman and I am 42. How mad can things get?

It is quite a miracle I lasted so long with her. I suppose, at least, my love was genuine and true. She merely exploited it to the full. Now I am the one to cause hurt to the kids. I am the one to have to walk away from them. It is so unfair, but I won't be manipulated by her anymore. I am no saint, but I am no liar either. All along, actions followed my words. I made good on all my promises.

I can only hope that she would let me stay in touch with the kids, as one of them is special needs, and apparently i am the only man she has ever had a healthy relationship with. She should have thought about all of these things before she (excuse me please) opened her legs. Surely, my love was worth more than her selfish bit of pleasure? The world is going mad, i tell you all. Where do you find people with principle and honour where their word is their bond they owe up to these days?

Thank you for listening. I know it sounds painful, for now..it is....

[London]

Ashamed, what you describe is just utterly amazing, but selfishness has no bounds. Its truly a real shame if the kids suffer more than necessary (or any amount really). It seems that she is just one messed up woman and i am not saying that to be mean. But one cannot help but wonder what she is truly feeling /going through... It can't be easy on her either. But at the end of the day, it's still no excuse to mess someone else around....

[Liz]

Dear Ashamed

WHat an awful story. Your hurt and pain are clear from what you write. Much as you care for this girl and her children, she does not seem capable of an open, honest and faithful relationship at the moment. You are only going to get more and more hurt if you stay.

I hope that in the future you can find a girl who will love, value and appreciate you.

Liz

[Springheeled Jack]

"It is quite a miracle I lasted so long with her. I suppose, at least, my love was genuine and true. She merely exploited it to the full. "

hmm, Ive said those words to myself, time after time after time Ashamed. I read your post and they mirror mine. You gave me sound and good advice and I dont mean to sound harsh but realistic. I hope you take it in the spiriti to which it is offered.

you are married, right. Ok, now your ve slept with or cheated on you with her ex and another younger guy. As it stands now (after much soul searching) Id be showing my wife the door. I wouldnt have her yo yoing back and forth from her fancy men to me. I would have too much pride. Unless I really loved her, and wanted to make our marriage work (but even then...)

When you said "Having said what I have said in other posts, I need to be true to my own words as well. I am confused and scared to make the wrong decisions, but sitting on the fence is even worse. I suppose we all know the answers within ourselves. "

That is true, even me I am still scare to make a wrong decision. As it stands I just wish my wife would hurry up and b*gger off. If she is going then Byeeeee love! Thanks for nothing!!
I want to tell her to go, but what if I made the wrong decision.

Ive found out that you cant live your live on "What ifs".

It is a shame that there are kids involved. It is always heartbreaking, but what ever you decide, dont lose the bond you have.

And likewise with me, as Liz said "I hope that in the future you can find a girl who will love, value and appreciate you"

I hope you do find some one genuine, like I hope I do too.

Good Luck my friend.... in what ever you decide.

[Ashamed]

Thank you London, Liz and Jack for corresponding. It is good to hear your different perspectives. I find it quite helpful.

I share all three your perspectives, and then my own.

How awful it must be when you have probably ruined a true-love relationship and you make love, and your heart cannot be in it cause it is all messed up inside?

Liz, you raise a very challenging question. What does it really mean to love someone? Am I too "small" a person to love beyond my own pain and hurt? Then that too should be regarded as being incredibly "selfish".

In my case, my identity is incredibly strong, stronger than many I suppose. That gives me an unfair advantage. I should take that strength and extend it as compassion, should I not? Now I am deeply hurt, but I'm the sort of person that can protect myself from further hurt, and still honestly love someone.

Isn't that called independence and maturity? Anyways, the hurt would go away in time, and then I would still love to grow old with her, just as she is I suppose. I love her as a person first, not because she is a woman and all that other stuff.

I cannot lie to myself and say I do not love, when I deeply do. I have never experienced unconditional love in my life. Somehow, I think it could be something like this, just fewer conditions and more caring.

However, there are always two sides to the story. I am sure she feels that she had every reason to choose as she did. Afterwards, she begged me not to leave her, and I believed her sincerity enough to choose to rise above the "obvious" consequence. Simply, I am happier with her with her than without. Such is the illogical nature of love.

We declare our love to each other very day. I do feel she needs time to sort, and I am giving her all the space and time she needs right now. I believe in her, enough to know that she would let me know when she has made up her mind about "us". She is no fool, I am sure she knows the score.

From a human point of view, part of me possibly would like to see her grovel and say sorry and be all "nice" to me to make it up somehow. However, that would probably make me feel even worse and irritate me. There would be no respect for either one of us in that. It would just be a constant reminder of what had happened. I see no love in that.

All I could ask for, is that she decides between him and me, and sticks by it. Every time his name crops up, or reference is made to them, I cringe inside. That too, constantly reminds me.

Truthfully, I think we are both between the proverbial "rock and a hard place". I cannot see how this situation would become "normal" again. I believe it is possible, but I just cannot see it at the moment. All I could hope for, is enough of a truth at all times and that my heart would know what is happening. I can live with that for a little while.

I am tired of walking away from problems. I used to do that in my life, to my own detriment. I feel like I want to, my gut is telling me to, but I know nothing gets resolved unless it is resolved first. Walking away won't make me feel any better.

The information I currently have, does not justify walking away from someone you say you love. Nope, she had her reasons for doing what she did. One has to look at the person, the individual, instead of a list of "obligations" between a man and a woman as a couple.

As a person, she is a very good person. She shows kindness to so many people. She just seem to have big challenges with relating to men. Now, who is the one amongst us who do not have issues? In that sense, she is quite honest about it, more so than those who live out their issues in secret.

She has challenges in life. Now she has made them known to me. If I left her now, how could I honestly say I really love her, as a soul and a person? How could I honestly say that she is my soulmate, when I dessert her when she fails in life?

I did not ask the same level of love from her. I don't think I am the sort of person who needs it. My individual freedom and liberty is more important to me, and I know it is mine to take whenever I choose to. I offered my soulmate my type of love. Sure, there is a point at which one draws the line. Sure, everything in nature has its threshold before it dies. So far, my love just simply has not died yet. It surprises me by bouncing back. I have never experienced this in my life before. It is quite strange.

I don't know where this particular threshold is, but until I get there, I have to stick to what I know. I sincerely think one has to hang in there and see if wisdom and courage would prevail. I simply cannot make two wrongs and disappear on these kids. Yet, I have walked away from two other marriages before, kids and all. I do stay in touch with all my kids, but I never had a heart, which told me to put myself back in loving relationship with their mothers. My relationship with this woman is deeply spiritual. I feel humbled enough by this realisation not to assume that I know what is best for the future. I trust life enough to wait and see what it would bring.

These kids trust me. Their trust in me, a person who is not even their dad, is worth more to me than their mom's problems for now. These kids are like my own, somehow. People say they look like me. Strange indeed, they come from two different fathers. I'll get over my hurt. As Stephen Covey says - we can constantly reinvent ourselves through the power of choice.

It was incredibly helpful to express my pain and go through a process of realigning myself to my values with your support. I thank all three of you. You have shown kindness and shared of yourselves.

London, you seem to have a very insightful ability. For now, I am going to go with that inkling you gave me. Liz, I have stored your sincerity and sound advice for possible, future reference. Jack, you are very supportive. I do think you have a good heart. I do think you would do good to go and read Mr. Covey's book - the 8th habit. You'll find it in the library, and I do think it would inspire you.

Yes, I open my hand many times over, every day, especially to let the hurtful emotions go free. :-)

With kindness and many thanks.

Rob

ps: Will pop round to let youse know if a hard fact happens.

[London]

Ashamed, as they say in french, "courage"....