Should I quit trying?

[Niki]

I don't know where to start. I think I could write a book about all of my marriage problems. But I'll try to keep it short.
My husband and I have been married 6 years. I love him very much. We have had a very rough marriage. He cheated on me about 4 years ago. He spent 10 months in jail last year. And while he was in there he made so many promises to me. He promised he would straighten up and he would never lie to me again.
Well he came home in February and everything was great. We were so happy.
And things just started to fall apart. He got hurt on his job and started taking pain pills. I thought everything was fine. But, he never had any money and I noticed he started selling things that meant alot to him. I asked him a million times what was going on and he would just make up stories. He started acting different and depressed. I would try to talk to him but he would act like nothing was going on. Then I found out he stole a bunch of my checks and he wrote almost $700 worth. At first he denied it and then he told me he was taking oxycontin and he had been buying it. I was furious because he had been on oxycontin before and it almost ruined his life and he is on probation and he should know better. So me and my 4 year old son went to stay with my mom. I was gone for a week and he sold just about everything he owned.
He payed me back and he said he was sorry and he wanted help. So I went home and he would go outside to the garage for long periods of time. He would just make up excuses so I followed him out there and he was shooting up the oxycontin. I didn't know what to say, I had no idea. He told me to leave him alone. We talked and he told me he just wanted to die. It didn't matter what I said to him he didn't want to listen. Well he left that same night and a lady called me from a store and said she had just cashed 2 checks for $350 that he wrote. I immediately packed my things and went back to my moms. He told me he was sorry and he didn't know why he was doing this. He told me he was scared and he admitted he was addicted and he needed my help. He has been very suicidal since I left. And I called everywhere to try to get him some help and no one could help because he didn't have insurance or they had a 6 week waiting list. All he has talked about is how he wants to die so that I can be happy. I feel like there is no getting thru to him. And now he found out they have a warrant for his arrest for violation of probation because he hasn't payed his probation officer. He says now that he will die before he goes back to jail. I don't know it feels like I've tryed everything and I just can't get thru to him. I feel like I should just get away from him because I don't deserve this and I'm tired of being lied to and stepped on. But on the other hand I love him and I feel like he needs me because he doesn't have anyone else. I worry about him so much and I don't want anything to happen to him. I just really don't know what to do. If anyone has advice I would appreciate it!

[Liz]

Dear Niki

My heart goes out to you. I had a friend who became addicted to pain killers to the extent of having two spells in prison. He promised to be clean when he came out on parole but couldn't keep it up. There are often several factors involved. Evidence shows people can become physically dependent on oxycontin, but if they have other problems coping with life then they find it harder to deal with the dependence. I have found a site combatting the impact of this drug and it has links to various help organisations including those who will help if you have no medical insurance.

http://www.oxyabusekills.com/links.html

In addition to this I'd like to say that your support for your husband is important, but that you cannot solve his problems. My friend's wife did all she could, but it was very painful and in the end she had to leave. When people are struggling with an addiction they find it hard to be truthful, because their dependency always overrides everything. The loss of trust and frustration as well as the practical issues of money disappearing are really tough to live with.

I would never advocate abandoning someone in need, but I have learnt that we cannot take responsibility for them. Our love alone may not be enough to help them - they need professional help and the carer needs support.

It seems likely that your husband may be in more touble now that the probation people are on to him. I don't know what your state is like for helping people in his position get the medical help they need. I do think that your husband stands a better chance of sorting himself out if you can keep in touch even if you choose not to live with him at the moment. I also think that you need to seek support for yourself either through the help organisations in the link above or through a faith community if you can.

Keep in touch,

Liz