re my request for someone to talk to

[jeannie]

Updating everyone who was kind enough to listen and reply. Things are now all out in the open and what everyone guessed including myself, but did not want to admit, is he is seeing someone else.

Things all came out last night when he went out again Monday night until midnight and I felt I had enough of the hurt and pain. I am not eating, sleeping and feeling every emotion going. I left home at 6.30 a.m. and drove around most of the day. Ending up at my son's house and spent the afternoon talking to my daughter-in-law.

H rang me at 6p.m. not knowing where I was and asked me to come home and talk. I finally asked the question and got the answer I did not want to hear.

We have talked long and hard in the night and feeling closer than we have felt in a long time. The feelings that have come out suprised us both. I did not realise I loved him as much as I did and he did not realise he still did have feelings for me. As he had spent the day with her and had a good day it was so unexpected. He has been totally honest and at times brutal and those things are still going around in my head and hurts, Without exception the family have told me to leave and my children are deeply hurt and I regret this bitterly. I could have turned them against him but am pleading with them not to cut him out.

Last night I talked and said I felt we needed a break and the best was for him to go and if he wanted to come back it had to be 100% on both sides, I feel we have too much behind us and I want to try again.He says it had not become sexual but she was there at a time ( both work together) when he was feeling what can be described as the mid life crisis. I want to believe him but this morning my feelings are now can I trust him again, will it all go wrong again is, he using me to stay here ( he says not) and he is more sincere and honest than he has ever been. My relationship with the daughter-in-law is the best it has every been and I did not know how much the kids loved us and are hurt by this. I wish it all could have been said before it got this far.

Now I have to get over tonight, as he is saying he wants to go and see her and tell her what has happened, he is totally devastated by the texts and messages the children are sending and I think he now realises how deeply he has hurt us. I feel I know why he is doing it, my Son says she does not deserve that and he is putting her before the family and a phone call is too good. I am scared when he sees her both tonight and at work things will be even more confusing for him. My son wants to hit and her castrate him.

I just want to stop feeling I am in limbo and move on, at the very least we are talking, he is giving me a cuddle and we all know where we stand. I want the next communication to be the best news ever, but I know from reading other peoples stories this may not be the case. Am I wishing too hard, should I be more realistic, have I any self esteem I do not know but I feel it is worth a chance.

Thank you everyone out there just for being there and I will keep looking and if my story helps others good, it has certainly made my family more open and honest with the feelings and brought if not ,my husband and his children together the children themselves are closer.

[helenrw200]

jeannie, at least now you have the truth, nothing is worse than not knowing and being in limbo. If this is the first time he has done anything like this, then I reckon he does deserve a chance. As you love him so much and have been together so long you can maybe forgiove him this once.

You have given him the option to leave and sort himself out, but if he decides to stay with you , then it does have to be him giving 100 %. He has to realise that it will take time for you to forgive and he must come to terms with the fact that you may never forget.In the meantime don't allow him to use you.

Your children are obviously hurt and upset for you and their reaction is normal, it will more than likely calm down with time, whatever happens . You are doing the right thing by not bad mouthing him to them and not asking them to take sides. This between you and your H and he will still be their dad... as you are their mum whatever the outcome.

You do have self esteem because you have forced your H out into the open and refused to believe that there was nothing wrong, you went with your gut instinct and were right to do so.

You won't know if you can trust him again until you start to evaluate the situation calmly and that may take some time, for your marriage to work now would take total honesty at all times from your H and even then it may take months if not years til you truely felt comfortable with him or trusted him again. He would have to accept that.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, nobody deserves this kind of pain, it cuts to the quick I know, but you've survived the news , heard the thing you were most dreading and that can be the hardest part.

I hope that we have helped in some small way and I for one am glad to listen, anytime you want to talk.

Take care.

Helen

[disbelief]

Hi Jeannie,

I fully echo Helen's sentiments. It's encouraging that your husband opened up and admitted things to you. In my case, I had to eventually find out the hard way and even after finding out continued to live with perpetual lies, deceit and coldness.

As for you, I'd say you most definitely have a fantastic chance to reconcile and rebuild. As Helen says, it won't be easy. Once trust is broken, it's hard to get it back and your husband will have to earn it. But if your hearts can both be in it 100%, then that is very optimistic! I would encourage you to explore what is important within yourselves, in each other and as a family.

I totally know the pain and dizzying thoughts and emotions that are going through you right now and it can seem unbearable at times. Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone and you do have supportive family and friends around you. Don't be afraid to lean on those special someones when times seem really tough as they will keep you going. Try and find the window of opportunity in all of this, whatever it may be. Keep posting - we're all here for you.

Take care,

Disbelief

[jools]

Hi Jeannie,
You seem like a really lovely lady. You also seem like a strong level headed person and I think you've dealt with this amazingly well, especially not bad mouthing your H to the children. One thing that struck me was that you said that you wished you could have resolved many of these issues without it having reached this stage. Unfortunately, it often takes something this earth-shattering before we sit down and really evaluate our lives and realise what we have, and more to the point what we really want.

This could be a positive turning point in your relationship. You might both be able to come back together and be stronger for it (in the longrun). Although I do agree that the biggest sticking point will be his infidelity (sexual or not) and how you can come to terms with this. If this is the only occasion that he has strayed then it sounds to me as though your marriage has a very good chance of surviving. I also think the fact that you have reacted in a sensible way to all of this has further shown him what a fantastic wife you are and how stupid he would be to give it all up. My heart and thoughts are with you Jeannie.
Love Jools.
________
Medical marijuana patient (http://mmjp.org)

[jeannie]

I have read your replies and wish someone had told me I would go through every emotion plus more this week. My head is all over the place. He is still here because I told him I love him and I want to make it work. I felt I should have shouted and thrown things but felt calm inside. But today I just do not know I am so angry.

I am hurting like hell, one minute we are sat on the patio and everything seems to normal ( coincidentally we are both on holiday at the moment) and the next something is said that brings it all back and hurts. My son has texted me and said he is not ready to talk and does not want me to go into his partners place of work and bother her. I went into see if he was alright as I am worried about him. My daughter too is suffering badly.

Those two have ripped this family apart and we are the innocent victims. He has admitted to a pleasant day, we are very close in bed and tonight he went out for a cycle ride and is on a high. Is this fair. We are suffering like hell.He took me out for lunch today and as we were there his phone beeped and he admitted it was her.

Last night he felt he had to see her face to face, I begged him not to go as I feared seeing her would stir it all up and he could not make the choice, but unknown to me he had made the decision to stay and try and make it work and felt it right to tell her. My family thought a phone call would have sufficed. I started to get upset and thought no if this is it he is not going to see me fall apart. I asked him not to let me see him go and dressed to kill. In the last few weeks I have lost over a stone and look and feel good. I did my hair and make up and sat on the patio with a drink. When I realised he had gone I did fall apart and hit the bottles big time, but felt good. I do not usually drink and was suprised by the feeling of euphoria. By the time he got back I was well out of it and he just said well it looks like its you and me. He then sat in the chair and fell asleep. Still no promises, no I am sorry ! I fell on the sofa, off the sofa and remember nothing until this morning, no hangover but anger like I wanted to kill someone.

I want to hear him say sorry, he says he thinks he wants to make a go of it. Asks if I want him to go to make it easier. Is that what he really wants, for me to make the decision as he is weak. Did they agree if it did not work out he would go back to her ! Have I done the right thing. !

Monday is going to be hell as they work together and I feel if she is in his face every day he cannot make up his mind. She is the works flirt and in your face and I was warned about her some time ago, that is how I knew when he admitted he was seeing someone who it was. But he cannot see that, I think she caught him at a vunerable time and he is flattered or am I kidding myself.
I wish someone would tell me what to do as this is killing me. He now knows how much I love him and I feel that he is manipulating things his way with this weapon.

You said I am strong but at this moment In time I do not feel it. I need someone to turn too and tell me what to do.

I know drinking is not the answer but it does make me feel good ! I wish he did

[helenrw200]

Jeannie

The anguish you are feeling is so hard to read, God knows what it must be like for you having to live through it.

If you want my advice you will not fall apart in front of him, when he's not there do your crying, drinking ,ranting and raving or whatever will get you through this ( have to say tho, having hit the bottle to blot out pain myself a few times, the euphoria doesn't last and the aftermath makes it seem worse ). If it is making you feel this bad then I'm afraid the difficult question has to be asked ....... is he worth it ?

You are looking good , let that boost your confidence, make the most of the way you look. Keep a calm composure in front of him, tell him you do not wish to hear him mention her and that if he is certain he wants you then he has to have as little human contact as is possible given the work situation, with her.Tell him to change his mobile number and for the time being tell him you are not prepared for him to slink off to see her whatever the excuse.

I assume a change of job isn't possible ? This would obviously be the best scenario for you.

If she is the office flirt then she will soon turn her attentions elsewhere, they always do.

I think you are entitled to make a few ground rules given that the situation isn't of your making and you have to make it clear that there are certain things you can't live with, such as her txting him, if he wants to stay.

Rather than him leave, maybe you should try to have a few days away ? Sounds like you need some breathing space to come to terms with what's happened, it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you are standing in the middle of a forest.

The hardest thing to accept is that you have no control over what he does as regards to this woman, even if he changed jobs, moved house , changed his mobile number, if he wanted to see her, he would. That goes for anyone unfortunately. All you will do if you keep thinking about it is stress yourself out and be ill.

Have you told him that you feel he should apologise,?D on't assume that he knows this is what you need .

If he really wanted to leave then he would have done, so don't worry too much about that.

From what you've said he is feeling relief that it is out in the open, hence his " high ", he has treated you pretty much like a priest at confessional, and now that he's told you his concience is clear and he assumes you can just both pick up where you left off and resume the marriage. Meanwhile you are shell shocked and not thinking clearly, no doubt it is all whizzing round and round in your head all your waking hours, I know that feeling only too well !

Jeannie you are going to need all your reserves to get through the next few months, so please take care of yourself and do whatever you need to get through this.

Keep in touch and take care

Love
Helen

[Kate]

dear Jeannie

We can't tell you what to do, but we can listen to your pain. Rebuilding after infidelity is a painful process which takes a lot of time. It involves a risk, because you are re-building trust and that doesn't happen over night. If your husband really wants to make things work then that is a good start.

There are things you can do - try to begin to forgive him. That involves letting go on your desire to make him pay for hurting you. Another thing is to show him compassion and understanding. I'm sure you are wishing he would show that to you, but that is what he is seeking from the other woman, so he needs to find it at home with you. It must seem as though you are having to do most of the giving which is unfair, but that may be the way to change the course of things towards healing.

Remember alcohol is a depressant a well as a relaxant, so it's best to use it sparingly.

Take care

Kate

[jeannie]

I can see from the replies you have all been there before. The things you are saying is so much the situation. As to him changing jobs I don't think so, the phone no as it is a work mobile and a lot of people need to get him.

I know he is here but not sure it is for the right reasons. As I am up here he is down stairs reading the paper. We are even further apart that we have been. I have asked him to text her and tell her not to contact him and let us try with our marriage, but he will not do so. He has admitted that all this started with stress at work and when he is with her the stress is gone and he does not want to give up on that yet. But how can he say he wants to give our marriage a go when I can see no effort at all. He only seems to want to be here because he has nowhere else to go. I have spoken to the wife of a colleague of his ( we are old friends) and she was good at listening and agreed that what he is doing is out of character and was amazed when I told her the situation. Until today I neglected the house but now feel I want to spring clean it.



I have asked for an apology and he agrees he knows he has hurt me but has become very flippant now regarding the children saying what has happened has happened and maybe it would be best if he went so the kids may feel they could come to me. Is this the excuse he wants to leave, but I will not make the decision for him. Our son in particular is finding it hard and asked me to stay away for a while. I bitterly regret the pain they are feeling and as a Mother can do nothing. But at the end of the day I am Me, I am a woman and I want to feel loved and special.I know I have a long road ahead of me and there will be setbacks and no guarantees but at the moment everything seems so negative and no positive thing to look towards.

Tring hard not to drink today as I know alchohol is not the answer and think of the calories I do not want to put the weight back on.

Boy I really appreciate you lot out there, and if I can come through this I will be there for others.

[jools]

Dear Jeannie,
I can totally empathise with the weight loss, wine and fluctuating emotions. Helen's right though when she says that you can not stop him from doing what he wants to. Ultimately we can not change other people, we can only change ourselves. Like you I was not certain how I was supposed to behave or what to do for the best. There's a lot of American web sites that preach the "divorce busting" techniques (Stopyourdivorce.com etc.). I was so desperate that I started looking (somewhat cynically) but a lot of it seemed to make sense. Basically it gave ME a way forward that saved my sanity. I stopped checking and questioning and really focussed on doing things for me. It did make an instant huge difference both to the way that I felt and to how much more relaxed and happy my H seemed (though it seems now that his problem is depression). Just a thought...might be worth a try.
Good luck
Jools. X
________
CHEAP AIRSOFT GOOD (http://airsoft-shop.info/tag/good)

[Liz]

Divorce remedy is a good book. You can find details about Divorce Busting through that link too.

Liz

[helenrw200]

Jeannie, from what you wrote in your last post it seems to me that he is not ready to give your marriage a chance. He is being unreasonable in telling you he still wants to see O/W, whether he is stressed or not , and no wife would put up with that.


You obviously still love him very much, but if he can't offer you 100 % commitment then your marriage can't survive.

OK, so he can't change his mobile number because of work, but he can tell her not to ring it or txt. If he really wanted to make a go of things he would do eveything he could to make you feel secure.

In this kind of situation you do have to go with your gut instinct, if this is telling you something is still not right , then I would be inclined to believe that.

Kate is correct when she says you have to begin to trust and forgive at some point , BUT, your H has not shown he is sorry for what's happened , nor has he made any attempt to assuage your fears, in fact by saying he is still going to see O/W he is compounding them.

Jools is right, all you can do is take care of you , you are not responsible for his behaviour, nor should you be. He will do what he wants/ feels he has to do, there isn't much you can do about that. At the end of all this you can come out of it a total wreck or a strong confident woman.

I wish you well, take care.

Helen

[Kate]

Dear Jeannie

In response to what Helen has said I just wanted to add that the reason I was talking about forgiving (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/forgive/) and trying to learn to trust again (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/) was because you cannot change your man but you can create the atmosphere where he may choose to change. One of the issues for you has been that he turned to someone else when he was struggling, so he needs to know he can turn to you if thngs are going to be re-built.


Forgiveness is not about receiving an apology, it is something you can do whether the person says sorry or not. It is about one's own attitude to the person and situation. It involves great generosity, and compassion for the other person, but it also brings healing to you. All this is very difficult when you are hurting so much and need comfort yourself.

I hope he wakes up and realises where his real security lies - with you.

Kate

:)

[helenrw200]

Kate, you are right in saying that forgiveness is not about receiving an apology and it's true that you can learn to trust again, however Jeannie's H is not wanting forgiveness at this stage, even if Jeannie were to forgive him for her own peace of mind, until he shows some remorse for his actions, and is prepared to work to get the marriage back on track she isn't going to have a happy and secure marriage, and ultimately isn't that what she needs ?

It will be impossible for Jeannie to learn to trust if her H is not prepared to work at it as well. He is still seeing the O/W, so what is there for her to work with ?



I am totally in favour of letting the past go and forgiving mistakes made, but in this case jeannie's H doesn't seem to want that, what he appears to want is to carry on the way things are, but with Jeannie .............what ? Giving her consent ? Turning a blind eye ? I'm not sure.

Helen

[disbelief]

Hi Jeannie,

It's gut-wrenching to hear what you're going through as I totally relate. I know the pain you are feeling with your H's actions and indecision. My W was similar - very cold, unapologetic and told me she couldn't just drop her feelings for the O/M. After making all of the initiatives, with mutual consent, to try and salvage our marriage, I could tell the commitment wasn't there and I also found out she was still carrying on behind me. It got to the point where any element of trust was totally obliterated. I told her to make a single, hard decision as I refused to be treated as a doormat and she has since left. Because of the weeks spent between limbo and hell, I actually felt relieved when she left.

You may or may not get to that point. I don't need to tell you how fragile your situation is right now. The sad thing is, even as the victim you are the one that needs to be careful and make all the right moves. Either that or bluntly show him the door. I suspect there's a lot of questions going through your mind, including whether you're willing to invest your time and energy even though he is not fully committed. Also, I'm sure you're questioning whether you still feel an element of trust that he will make a decision at some point soon and stick with it absolutely. Either way, the key is to focus on yourself and try to find an outlet for your heightened emotions outside of your H. The reading material pointed out in these posts have a lot of good suggestions and I encourage you to seriously review it. You'll get a lot of different advice from different people, although no one can completely relate to your situation 100%. I guess my best advice is to look after your own health and don't try too hard to "make things right" again. As Kate said, you cannot really change someone outside of yourself. Your intuition may be your best guide at this point.

Oh, and keep posting! It's a great catharsis and at least you won't feel alone in your plight because, unfortunately, you are not!

Take care,

Disbelief

[jeannie]

thanks everyone, as you say I am so mixed up. He is still here, we are still sharing a bed and yesterday had quite a nice day and I could pretend nothing happened. But on waking this morning it all floods back. He has not seen her since Tuesday and told me she has not contacted him or him her since that text. This is all so unreal. I know next week will be bad when he goes back to work and I will be thinking all sorts. I am waiting for some word and he admits that at the moment he cannot say it until he is ready. I still seem to be doing all the trying and not sure if that is right, but in some ways we are closer. This is so hard!

[helenrw200]

HI Jeannie, what I felt hardest to deal with when I was in your situation was the feeling of betrayel . My ex H went from being one person, the one I had married ( for life ) and thought I knew to a completely different person who had shared his intimate feeling with someone else.
He didn't even have the nerve to tell me the truth til after we split up, I guess at least your H has done that.
I really hope things work out for you. Take care.

Helen

[jeannie]

Helen, I am still not sure what I am thinking it is so unreal. My head tells me I should have asked him to leave, thrown things and shouted the place down. I am not. SOme good has come out of this and we are for perhaps the first time in our marriage talking honestly ( or at least talking). I steel myself for the day ahead and outwardly coping but inside dying.

I am not eating or sleeping and he can see that and is worried, he tells me that and he wants to try and stop that. But he went back to work yesterday and I rang him in the afternoon as I felt I wanted to hear his voice. He was really nice told me to hang in there, and he did love me and would see me in the eve ning. When he came home he told me she had rung him ( they have veryy little contact during the day) and said she was finding it hard and did not want to lose what they hard. He says he has feelings for both of us and not sure anymore. Of course I immediately got upset again and could not touch food. I had been sick earlier and brought up what little I had. Part of me is thinking rationally about what is happening to me and I know this must stop. But am I using it as a weapon , the one thing I know hurts him and gives me a power edge.

I felt he needed a friend at that moment and rang a friend and colleague of his who told me to go to his house while he talked to H. He did not want to hear my side of events, although I had spoken to his wife on saturday, as he wanted to hear for himself. When he got back he was saying as I have been saying the depression earlier in the year, mid life crisis and clinging on to something he thinks he wants. This made me feel a little better as I thought perhaps I was hoping all that. When I came home he was asleep in the chair so rather than risk another upset I went to bed. When he did realise I was home he came up, did not tell me off but said he could see why I did it. We talked until 2 am and this morning he says he felt that we good that we could talk and he knew what we were saying was right. But he still does not want to hurt me which he is ultimately doing and can offer no guarantees.

The issue of his always having his mobile phone to hand has been raised again and I have asked if when he is at home, it is my time with him and he switches it off. Last night he said NO, tonight he says he will try only if I eat.
I don't think it is too much to ask for our home life to be separate from work and not to keep rubbing my nose in it. It is only a phone but to him an emotional crutch and he knows it.

When I do fall apart i feel he has already made his decision, the grass looks greener on the other side and I tell myself to get on with life and tell him to go. But when I see him I forget everything and feel I am not ready to give up and we can turn this around.

I want to wake up in the morning and look forward, at the moment I am able to open my eyes and for a full 30secs forget.!

[Hope]

Jeannie,

I've been reading your posts and I really feel for you. The early days of discovering your spouse is having an affair feels unreal, doesn't it! When my H confessed he was away on business. He told me over the phone but only because I pressurised him into telling me what was wrong. Sometimes I wished I hadn't been in such a rush to throw him out.... he may have thought about what he wanted out of life whilst he was away, he may have calmed down and thought about what he was losing. When he told me the truth I asked him to go and live with her! I packed his things into black bin liners and he collected them on his return from his business trip. Sometimes I wished I'd let him stay in the family home for longer so that we could have talked more - he may have opened up and spoke of his real feelings. Instead I pushed him away and he took his bottled up feelings with him. Sometimes I wished I'd let him stay so that we could talk about "us"..... sometimes I think I pushed him straight into O/W arms. Once he'd left the family home there was no turning back for either of us.

Looking back now things could have been handled very differently. At the time I was so upset and angry that I didn't want him anywhere near me. I was disgusted that he'd lied to me for 2 years!

Jeannie, I think you're handling this very well indeed. You don't appear angry and you seem to be controlling your emotions very well. I think you've done the right thing by not throwing your H out. I think its going to give him chance to think about what he does really want. I suppose I didn't give my H chance to think if O/W is what he wanted and now he's with her he doesn't seem to be serious about her, well not at the moment anyway.

Goodluck with the chats. At least you'll know that if your H stays he's staying because he really does love you and I hope things work out. Stay strong.

Hope

[helenrw200]

Jeannie, it's obvious from your posts that your H does have feelings for you, if he didn't for one thing he would have left and for another he wouldn't be so worried about you.

I'm afraid that for now, getting through each day, or even each hour is all you really can do, time does work wonders it's true.

While you can both talk there is hope and while he is able to confide his feelings to you, you're going in the right direction. Just be wary though that he doesn't offload too much on to you, and leave you reeling with trying to deal with it all.

I'm no expert and it has been a long , long while since my first marriage broke up, but I remember only too well the torment I went through at the time. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and those few moments when you first wake and you've forgotten what's happened only to have it all flood back to face all over again.

My situation was different from yours, my ex H had been having women on the side for a while and was incapable of fidelity, and to be honest once I got over the shock of the break up I did feel a measure of relief that I would never have to wonder about him lying to me ever again. Having said that, although I was very young I was totally in love with him and it hit me hard and took a long time to recover, but recover I did.

You seem to be feeling very mixed up at the moment and that's natural, but you are doing the right thing by not doing anything rash for now and giving the situation time to calm down, and giving your H time too. Just make sure that you don't push yourself to the edge of a breakdown, go see your doctor if you start feeling worse, he may be able to help.

Take care.

Helen

[jeannie]

My H is still here and we are still talking but perhaps not as close as last week, as he is back at work. Last night I went out and he tried to ring me but as I was with a female friend she told me to ignore it. When I did go home he was not here so you can imagine what I was thinking. He came home eventually and was quite normal. This morning we woke up and cuddled and held each other. But he is still saying he cannot ask her to stay away and give our marriage a go. I did say I was thinking of going away the weekend to give me a break, he seems all for this and says please go it may help to save our marriage! and make his mind up. If he cannot ask her to back off why should I. I want to go away but now I feel I should stay, why should I have to repair the marriage. He still thinks he may be making the biggest mistake of his life if he goes. What do I do, if I go am I playing into his hands. If it goes pear shape for me anyway what will it matter. But she will still be here and he can see her so that will not make it clearer for him. If I stay things will go on as before.
People at work now know what is going on and I think the bosses are going to say something, I just hope he will see sense, but if he stays will it be for the right reasons and will he always think what if ?

I really do not know what to do. Suprisingly I am very calm. but I learnt yesterday one day I am quite positive and the next I am in pieces.

Any advice !

[helenrw200]

Jeannie

I'm a little confused here ! Is your husband still seeing the O/W ? I mean out of a work context ? I thought he had decided to give your marriage his commitment ?

If this is not the case then it's understandable that you are left feeling at best confused and at worst bereft.

I know it's difficult but I really think you might both benefit from some time out to think things through , maybe a weekend away for you would work, marriage guidance could also be an option.

It seems very unfair to me that your H is saying he can't keep the O/W away, this is passing the buck and allowing him to feel it's ok because HE can't stop it. He can.

What you really need now is some breathing and thinking space, yes it will be hard for you to go away as you will constantly be wondering whether he is seeing her or not, but then you're doing that anyway aren't you ?There is the risk he may run straight to her like a dog of a leash, but if he does that then at least you would have your answers. If he doesn't, but takes the time to do some thinking then your marriage stands a very good chance. Don't wish to be brutal here but surely knowing would be better than this limbo you're in right now?

One thing is definitely obvious, you are going to end up ill the way things are and that isn't going to help your problems at all.

I think you'll probably come to the conclusion eventually ( as I have had to ) that you can't help what your H does , nor can you be responsible for him. Strange really but once this sinks in things do get easier, you have to kind of develop a fatalistic attitude or you will end up worrying yourself into an early grave.

IMO your H is not being reasonable about things but is expecting you to be, if your marriage is to have any chance of surviving he has no choice but to adhere to a few basic ground rules, the most important of which is that he no longer sees the O/W out of work, for ANY reason. If he refuses to do that then IMO he isn't going to stay. Sorry to sound like the harbinger of doom, but I'm talking from personal experience. Please for the sake of your sanity, don't allow him to mess around with your emotions , no man no matter how much you love them, is worth a nervous breakdown.

Take care.

Helen

[jeannie]

helen, I can see what you are saying. Afrter last Wednesday night there was no contact until work again on Monday. She finishes at 3pm him 6 pm and apparently she rang him and said she could not do this and missed him and wanted to stay. obviously this has made him think again. I am not seeing any commitment either way. For some reason today, (I am now back at work), I am feeling much more positive and in control. At first I thought I will back off and do as he asks but after some straight talking with a couple of friends I am thinking clearer. I did not create this situation, I am drinking and not eatin, crying, all over the place and for what. I am making him feel better and he is still saying one thing and doing another. I did not ask for this and will accept it no more. He has to do something about it. It is not my place to.

I have come home and told him directly and calmly how I feel and he now has to make the choice. If he thinks he can make a go of it with her after what he says is a couple of weeks I will accept it but I never want to see him again. If things do not work out for them it is too late, and he has burnt his bridges but I will not spend my time making him feel good whilst he does this.

I have come out much stronger, even friends have said they could see I have spent my life trying to please others and putting them first. A male friend I had not seen for a couple of years I met today who told me I looked good and I felt it. I had a long conversation with someone I never thought I could. In the past I thought people would find my conversation boring. I have really found out who my friends are and what my children think of me and told him what I have gained and how good and strong I now feel. He did go out tonight early and is now back, apparently with a friend for a drink as he wanted to talk it out. I am not sure of what he is feeling but he is trying to go on as usual but I am having none of it. Her or me he now has to make the decision and stick to it and soon. If we get back together I want to see some commitment, not go back to the way we were with me doing everything. If he goes to her he knows what he is giving up but I have gained so much more.

I do not know where my strength has come from, I have told him he cannot use me as a person to confess all to so he felt good and he made me feel wretched and I felt rubbing my nose in it. But I am fed up with trying to please everyone else, it had got me nowhere so this is now the first day of the rest of my life and I intend to go forward stronger, confident and feeling good. I have lost 1 1/2st and looking good but not eating. I am taking control and if I am going to lose more do it sensibly, if I don't well I look better anyway. My drinking has stopped.

I am now looking forward. I know I will have days when I will have set backs but I am ready for them

Jeannie

[helenrw200]

Hi Jeannie

I am so glad you are feeling stronger, I was starting to get quite worried about you.

I think the point you have reached comes to everyone in this situation sooner or later, it's a kind of acceptance that you can't change someone's actions, but you can change how you react to them.

Be prepared either way for good days and bad days and when the bad days come remember they don't last, hold onto that thought. It's good that you have stopped drinking to cope, it doesn't help much long term. It's also good that you are talking to people, does no good to hold it in.

Now that you've made the options clear to your H, he has a choice to make, either way , you now know you can survive, and more than that , go forward.

I wish you well.

Helen

[jeannie]

can I ask has anyone first hand ideas of Relate. My H is still here and I felt until yesterday we were getting closer and he was still being honest. He says he does love me and I am his WIfe , Lover and Best Friend. As his Best Friend he felt he could tell me everything and offload but as his Wife I told him I felt there were things I did not want to hear as it hurt. The last two weeks have seemed so unreal, from the initial blow to getting very close, talking honestly and I thought moving on.

At the weekend I felt stronger and more positive, my weight loss has also made me feel good. I sat him down and told him that I wanted a decision made as I could not go on the way we were. He has now admitted this frightened him a little and he felt I did not want him here, so he started to pack his case. At first I was alright but then fell apart. He comforted me and said ( at first) he did it to frighten me and did not expect the reaction I gave. The weekend passed fairly normal and he went back to work Monday. I got through the day and now my doubts are settling in. I am not hearing what I want, there seems to be no commitment, I understand when he says he cannot make promises, but I am not really seeing anything from him. Is he here because it is the easy option and he has nowhere else to go. To my knowledge he has not seen the O/W out of work and now work knows of the situation they are being watched closely. His boss has had a word with him about it but due to other circumstances they have not had the opportunity to confront her.

I had already make a appointment to go to relate and he knew this ( but had made arrangements some time ago to go to football with our son-in-law) I talked openly but as it was the first consultation did not feel we made much headway. My H in the morning said we did not need to go as there was nothing wrong with our marriage ! but I am not sure. He is still going to work quite naturally and acting now quite flippantly about it all. Everything is a joke with him ( he says that is the way he is at work and how he deals with things) but he did not use to be like this.

Am I expecting too much too soon, should I go on my own and sort myself out. I just do not know, unfortunately every conversation I have is about the situation even with my work colleagues and when I am home it is worse. But he seems to be getting on with his life as if nothing is happening, and can put it at the back of his mind. I feel if I am strong at home and more positive he sees that I do not need and love him ( but I tell him I do) but he is not going to want me going on all the time about the situation. But is that brushing it under the carpet and making him feel good.

I do know this is going to take a long time and still at the end of the day despite he says he knows deep down what he had with her was a kindred spirit that could laugh and talk and he knew it could not form the basis of a lasting relationship, he feels that if once again she came back and said she wanted him he would go to her.

Any advice would be helpful.

Marian

[Kate]

I haven’t been to Relate, but know a little bit about how they work. Their form of counselling is very good in helping individuals to understand what is going on inside them. This takes time and the co-operation of those undergoing the counselling. When a marriage goes wrong the problem is not usually with the marriage but the two people and they way they behave. Couples need encouraging that it’s worth working through the difficulties and they need skills to help them do that. There are a number of programmes which help to build communication and good habits, understanding and companionship within a marriage. You can find information about them here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/).

There are enrichment weekends like Marriage Encounter (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/), courses like the Marriage Course (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/php-bin/jump.php?linkid=211) and courses run by Community Family Trusts (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhnonres/commarpol/) like the one at Bristol (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/weddings/marlifeprep/prenonres/westmid/bcft/) (if you are in UK). Most of these do not involve you bearing your soul to others but working together as a couple to get rid of negative behaviours and discover positive ones (see here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/)).



From what you have said your husband has found solace with someone else rather than you. The best way to restore your marriage is to ensure it becomes a place where you both find the closeness and support you both need. Counselling will help you to understand yourselves and marriage enrichment will help you learn skills and experience the closeness that is possible, which in turns gives you motivation and hope.



I think that the one who has strayed from a marriage does tend to want to brush things under the carpet because it is painful and embarrassing to face up to your mistakes. There are other issues to do with personality - some of us like to understand how everything happened, others just want to get on with life and live it, others want to leave things open-ended while others want everything decided and clear. These personality differences affect how we respond to the crises in our lives and if we don't see how this is affecting things we may misunderstand each others behaviour.


I would go along to Relate, even if it's on your own, but I would also encourage you both to find some more directive input for your marriage too.

[jools]

Dear Jeannie,
I usually read these threads with a certain amount of detatchment...but your husband is starting to REALLY annoy me! You felt more in control, were looking good and gave him an ultimatum; so what does the little control freak do....pretend he's leaving just to get a reaction.

Unfortunately you weren't quite strong enough to bluff it out (understandably), but if you had I bet he would have backed down. Still, he got what he wanted, you feeling weaker and him back in control. Not very charitable, considering the pain he's put you through. Not only is he in control, but he's feeling pretty smug about it too...treating it as a JOKE! How DARE he see a situation where he's breaking his wife's heart as remotely amusing.

No wonder he doesn't think there's a problem with his marriage, I'm guessing that this selfish man has got exactly what he wants (best of both worlds) and while he can engineer the situation so that everyone goes along with it then life's just grand for him. No wonder he doesn't want to go to relate. Personally I wouldn't take him yet. Grab some time for yourself to air your feelings and get stuff straight in your mind. He'll probably try to put you off going on your own...but go anyway!

I agree with you that going on about it is not going to make things any better. We can't change other people we can only change ourselves. He really won't like any signs of strength from you...all the more reason to do things for youself. Don't be too understanding with him...his type will just take advantage of it. A little self righteous anger doesn't always go amiss in these situations ( as long as it doesn't go on for too long). Personally i'd like to smack your husband's face (on your behalf) and tell him to GROW UP!! "KINDRED SPIRIT"!? :eek: Oh please! Sorry, Jeannie. As you can see he really has made me cross...Mainly because you sound like such a lovely person.
Good luck,
Jools. XXXXX
________
195 INTER (http://www.ferrari-wiki.com/wiki/Ferrari_195_Inter)

[poppy]

Dear Jeannie

I so have to agree with Jules. I can't believe the pain your H is putting you through. He's turned you into a VICTIM. And it's hard to function in your own best interests from the place he's put you in. (I'd like to give him a good slapping too)! How dare he say someone else is his soul mate, how disrespectful to you. All most of us women want is not wealth and the high life, but just love and security. These sometimes seem to be the hardest things to have and to hold on to don't they? What a terrible dilema. If you chuck him out, it maybe straight into the OW's arms. But if you go on the way you are, you will become ill. You need to take control and hold on to it. Don't let him divert you. You cannot trust anything he says, however much you want to. Take control by setting a time frame. Give him a check-in or check-out time limit. Don't put up with this any longer, it is destroying you, and Jules is right, you sound a lovely lady and you really, really don't deserve to be treated like this.

As for Relate. I have some good experience of them. Keep going on your owni f your cowardly H won't go with you. It's constructive to talk to someone outside your circle who's able to be objective, which however much your family and friends love you, and I'm sure they do loads, they can't be objective. It will help you to see things more clearly, really it will.

Give him two week to sort himself out and commit. On the 14th day, if he hasn't come up with the goods and you can believe he's genuine, then my love you pack his bags and he's out. Whatever pain that gives you, and it will, so much, it can't be worse than what you're going thru' now, can it? That way you are empowered and can make your own choices about the rest of your life. Oh Jeanie, take good care of YOU. XX

[disbelief]

Hi Jeannie,

I too have to agree with jools and poppy. Reverse the genders and you'll have a near carbon-copy of what I went through. It is extremely unhealthy and something must give. I too went through every possible emotion and some may argue that I forced the situation too soon. However, I just could not go on for months being someone's doormat.

Your husband is clearly weighing out the vision of new love and excitement vs. the reality of known love and security. His self-interests supercede his concern for you or the marriage, and his 50% commitment to marriage is a comfortable balancing act at the moment. Whether it's realized or not, his words and actions are exerting control over you. I agree that this control must be addressed and he needs to be confronted with having to make a decision to work 100% for your marriage - or not. Obviously, only you can decide exactly how to do this and how much time you are willing to go on as you are.

I hope you can work things out together but if not, believe me that you will be better off than how you are now. Since separating, I have felt relief more than anything else. Yes, there are still moments of anger and despair, but overall I feel a lot better and stronger than before. Counselling certainly helped along with supportive friends and family. Hopefully you have these as well.

Take care - our thoughts are with you!

Disbelief

[jeannie]

Thank you one and all, I know you are all right. I am feeling much stronger in myself and told him so tonight. The fact that he found he could talk to someone else is not hurting so much now as what he is still doing and saying ( and not saying). He rang me from work and said he was still there and not too worry he was elsewhere but we needed to talk, but it was not about you know what !


When he did come home he showed me a letter, apparently a meeting was called at work with the Directors, and the office manager. with a verbal warning. The letter was a copy of the meeting which they all signed. Apparently people did know at work ( although at the time not the boss until I told her) and they were finding it awkward and embarrased. They ( the bosses) felt that something had to be done and he has been asked to consider his position as if he wants to stay. They apparently tackled her as well but I do not know the outcome. He told me calmly at first and when he did not get the reaction from me he expected ( that I thought it was best if he left) he has got quite angry. Not at me but at the job. \For five years he has given it everything and put it first and now he feels that they did not appreciate him and they want him out. As I explained he has done wrong, they had to be seen to make a stand and the fact he is still saying that he has spoken to her and they still feel they had something there, she is prepared to step back and give us a chance, I am not quite believing. I am still not seeing an effort on his part and as I write this he is downstairs taking down the phone numbers from his phone ( it was a work phone) that he may want to keep for the future. I have asked him to remove her number, he says he cannot do this, and agrees it is for him a feel good factor he is not prepared to give up. Then he told me I will not find it on his phone anyway * which makes me feel it is in code*

I am feeling very calm and not getting upset. That frightens me a little as maybe it will all come out again later, I told him he cannot hurt me anymore saying these things. I still deep down do not feel he has realised fully what he has done. His marriage, his life, his kids and now his job is on the line and he is showing no guilt, no remorse and I believe looking for someone else to sort it out. But it will not be me, all the time she is still in the picture, I am taking a step back. Even if he gives up his job she still lives only 5 miles away and he has her number I cannot watch him all the time and that is what is hurting. The temptation is still there when he gets low again.

I may go to relate as I feel if there is a chance he will eventually go I want to be ready.

I do appreciate being able to talk to you all an knowing what I am going through. I still love him and want our marraige to work but I am not going to be the only one trying here. He has to see that and want it too. Until he realises deeply what he has done hecannot move on. For too long we have gone around in circles and never resolved issues, this time he has no choice.

Thank you

Jeannie

[jools]

Hiya Jeannie,
Glad you got back to us. Your H's level of selfishness and emotional immaturity is quite scary! How do you begin to communicate with someone like that? Apart from smack his face...which we've discussed. Whether he has her number or not is immaterial so try not to even get into that discussion. If he wants to see her/contact her he will anyway. The fact that they've taken such a hard line with him in work makes me think that he's not particularly popular there. I mean most work places have affairs that don't lead to dismissal. Are they just using this as an excuse? Are you sure that the letter was genuine and that it was not another of his attempts to manipulate your emotions? I suppose you could easily check it out as you know people there?

On a practical level, you have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Could you cope financially if he lost his job and/or you separated? Start planning and doing things for YOU. Yes, go to relate for YOU. He's got a lot of "growing up" to do before he will be ready to join you. Seek out your good friends and try to socialise...even if you don't feel like it. Keep strong, and don't let him play his little mind games with you. One way or another you'll come out of this better than him. You're the one with integrity, certainly not him! Let us know how it's going. All the best, Jools. XX
________
Rhode island marijuana dispensaries (http://rhodeisland.dispensaries.org/)

[London]

Jeannie,

Whatever you decide to do, you cannot let him manipulate you at every turn. His behaviour is not just childish at times, but also very conniving. I wouldn't put it past him to have forged that work letter as Jools pointed out - again, just to "get a reaction" from you. What a creep. If he only worked harder at trying to get the RIGHT reaction from you things would be so much better.

I've also noticed that you haven't mentioned much about how you are taking this opportunity to make yourself more social. Whatever the outcome, you should be able to go out and hang out with friends and let the worries of domesticity sit at home. While this board can offer you some moral support, it can't give you that all important hug when you'll need it.

here's a cyber HUG to tie you over for a bit.....

[jeannie]

I have seen the letter and beleive it is genuine as every one at the meeting had to sign it. His reaction now is anger at what he sees he has been there 5 yrs and put his job before everything. He has made one mistake and then this. When he got up this morning he had his letter of resignation ready to leave on Friday. I know someone called me a good person but why do I feel I shouldn't have told his Boss even though I know now others knew at work and it would have happened anyway. I know when he was under stress I wanted him to leave but I feel I have betrayed him ! Even though we have been honest I cannot tell him I did this and he hates me for it.

I am going out and socialising. At work I know I am stronger and can talk to people ( not about this) whereas before I felt they found me uninteresting. I have had my haircut and on Saturday having it coloured. I am a different person and want it to continue. But I am still calm over all this, I am still hurting because of his rejectiion of me I think, I can forgive him his litle 'affair' but turning his back on us when we pleaded with him to let us help hurts more. I find I can go out now to a friend down the road early evening when he is here for a coffee and chat whatever without thinking what he is doing and I am enjoying that. I have even considered belly dancing lessons in the autumn as they seem fun ( at my age this would be good)

I know we needed this kick-start but I wish it did not come with the pain and I truly hope we will continue together but I know he is still not making any promises for the future and until he finally realises what he has done we cannot move on.

will keep you posted

Jeannie

[poppy]

Hi Jeanie. Glad you came back to us and didn't think we were too harsh. Please look after yourself. Don't place any trust in him at the moment. Do keep going to Relate, it will really help you.

Most importantly, please go and see a Solicitor, not at this stage necessarily to talk about divorce, but you must find out all your rights and get a clear picture of what you need to do to protect yourself financially. That might seem premature, but so many of us find out too late there were things we should have done to protect ourselves, like putting joint investments and that kind of thing out of his reach, at least in the interim. Make every effort to know all about your financial situation and do everything you can to protect your own interests, if God forbid, the worst comes to the worst. Don't wait until you are forced to deal with these things, as the wife, often not so knowledgable on such things, looses out. If you have any debts, which are joint, but in your name, get them cleared now if you can. If you don't have your own bank account, get one quickly and put any money you can lay your hands on in to it, even if it means taking from a joint account. Sorry to sound so coldly practical, but it's very important that you take care of yourself financially, and not leave such things to him. Don't place trust in him and expect him to look after you, look after yourself.

On the work front, employers these days take a very dim view of this kind of thing. It is destructive and distracting and they will do whatever is necessary to protect themselves from any risk of litigation, ie unfair dismissal, not following correct procedures, and the like. His warning letter sounds part of this process to cover themselves. I don't know how senior your H is, but he is certainly skating on thin ice by the sound of it. On the other hand they may have done the same with the OW and are just covering themselves to appear 'fair' should further trouble erupt. Your H may well be aware of that, hence his not too worried attitude. So don't put too much store in what's happening with his job. And DON'T add it to your basket of woe' it's his problem.

For now. Love from me. I am thinking of you and send you a hug. Let us know how you are getting on. XX

[jeannie]

tonight feel i need all the hugs going ! I have been having tests for what I thought was a minor breast problem as my sister who is 10yrs younger than me had something similar but what seemed at the time more serious. She was told it was nothing and it would clear up in time. A colleague had found two lumps recently and after a day of tests were told cysts, so I was not too worried. Today I went back for the results, alone, as I thought the radiographer told me all I needed to know. But I was told they felt I needed an operation and soon !

You can imagine how I felt, but came straight out of the hospital and rang H. He immediately said ' come home now ' I asked if he would be there and he was when I got back and was very supportive and gave me the hugs I needed. He did go back to work when I felt better, a) because he felt guilty as they were busy and b) because I wanted to do things and not sit around. Now it is 9pm and everything has hit me again ! I am not sure what I am feeling, my life is out of control. I have no promises of what the future holds or even if he will be here in 6 months time. I know the outcome of the operation will still be OK but the not knowing is worrying me.

I knew my emotions would be all over the place with the first blow and I was feeling better and now this ! I think because of the first I am not thinking straight on the second and being totally irrational .

I am so glad no-one does know what the future holds as this is hell! Life before all this though maybe not everyone's idea of good, I felt was good. A maraige I thought was Ok, two smashing kids, three fantastic grandchildren! and that is what I am focusing on. In some respects compared to some I have been very lucky but this has made my revaluate everything.

Thanks everyone for listening

Jeannie

[poppy]

Hi Jeannie - how are things going with you?

[jeannie]

He left me on Friday, right up until the last moment I did not think he would go!

I know he was under a lot of stress at work and this led to a midlife crisis where the O/W stepped in. From the moment he told me till the day he went was 4 weeks, he admitted at the start it had only been going on two or three weeks. But from that moment when we really talked and seemed to get closer I thought he would stay. It was a emotional rollercoaster for 4 weeks, he told her he still had feelings for me and he was staying until he went back to work and saw her ! this happened twice. We were very close in all ways up until the Sunday 31 July. Next day was my birthday and he knew he was going back to work and see her, on the Wednesday night he saw her and obviously planned everything, he did not tell me straight away I had to keep asking and he started packing Thursday night and left Friday night - straight to her ! and some of the things he took was so irrational. I felt at the end he would realise and stay but now I am thinking despite people offering him a bed for a couple of days she offered him a lifeline and he jumped. He was still saying at the end make no rash decisions about the house, money etc and I would not like to think you found someone else!

My emotions now are I do not miss him, I thought I would. I still love him but even now I am finding out lies he has told, I did eventually talk to him yesterday as I was advised to see a solicitor and get some advice and cancel his cards. This I did, to start with we were quite civil and he said it was nice to hear my voice and perhaps we could get together sometime to discuss it. This I was prepared to do. But today he rang and things got a little tense and we had words. Obviously he is getting a little worried ( I hope) that things are moving too fast and he sees this life slipping away. The way I feel today how can I take him back, he is just a little boy wanting everything his own way. He says he has found an inner strength he did not know he had and now I have forced him to see a Solicitor which he did not want. I pointed out I have no-one now and though I thought I could trust him I cannot trust her !.
I have to get strong for my operation now and that is all I am concentrating on.

Thanks for all still being here

Jeannie xxxxx

[helenrw200]

Hi Jeannie


It's been some time since I last logged in so it's taken me a while to catch up on the posts . I must admit to being quite surprised by your post, it had seemed for a while there that your H was intending to stay.

You are doing exactly the right thing, concentrate on you and your health and let him have time to consider exactly what he's given up.

My first ex chose to leave me and yet was surprised when the very next day I instigated divorce proceedings, I just felt that tho he had taken the decision to leave, it was time I took control of my own life and stopped waiting around for him, I never regretted that decision.

You have to come first now and concentrate on what's happening in your own life, let him worry about himself. To run straight to the O/W is IMO an action of cowardice, he is scared of being alone, he'll soon find out that having a fling in a romantic dream is one thing but living in the reality is something entirely different .........and so will she !

My partner has been off work this last 3 weeks and strangely things have been a little better, but nonetheless I have bought myself a puppy, something I've wanted for a while, he's a complete pain in the butt ! But at the end of the day he's loveable and faithful and we have fun together.....more than you can say for most of my relationships !

Stay strong Jeannie and keep in touch.

Love

Helen
xx

[disbelief]

Dear Jeannie,

In light of the outcome, you can work toward an element of closure now. I know how hard it is to suddenly have a large part of what you thought you knew ripped from you, but I also share the sense of relief you are alluding to.

There are a lot of parallels between your story and mine. My W also spoke of this "inner strength" before venturing out. In her case, she couldn't run to the OM as it remains secretive. And as far as I know, the OM is still with his family who don't know about this! Well, now that the lawyers have taken their pound of flesh and her expenses have racked up, she's starting to get financially concerned after less than two months on her own - I always supported her expensive tastes and continue to pay a fair support amount, and I guess her "inner strength" (or rich parents - so much for independence...) will have to see her through this.

My W also had job stresses and personal issues that I thought I was supportive of, but apparently someone else out there made her feel "better" in the world outside of parenthood and responsibity. Just believe that there's probably little else you could have done - if he was weak or lacked foresight, new excitement would invariably win over his known life with you.

I suspect that you're correct in that his dreamlife will probably crash. We may very well find ourselves in the same situation where our ex's push for reconciliation. Who knows.... then it will be decision time for US, and I'm fairly certain what my decision is.

Anyways, try to keep finding the peaceful element in all of this and rest up for your operation. Although I don't know you personally, I am thinking of you nonetheless.

Take care!

Disbelief

[jeannie]

disbelief, and helen thanks for your replies. I am still not sure what I am feeling. He is still ringing me occasionally but is it only because of the op. H has rung friends and even contacted our daughter about his concern for me. But yesterday he rang at 8 am to ask how I was and how the pre med assessment went and then ended the conversation with 'I do love someone else and I am very happy' all I could do then was put the phone down. I was more positive at work but when I came home it finally hit me for the first time he would not be coming back. I have the feeling the o/w came into the town where I worked with her children and was hanging around in the shops opposite. If it was not her ( I have not seen her since Xmas and the hairstyle had changed) it was very much like her and her actions were suspicious. She did not seem happy but I am not reading too much into anything now. I am not sure even now what I would do if he did come back. Everyone tells me he will and I will know when it happens. My son who has been away for a week is still very bitter and angry and almost telling me not to have him back. I am trying to move on but it is hard and for the first time last night felt a little frightened to be in the house on my own.
Today friends are coming over and we are going to try and sort out a budget so I can go to H and try and agree money etc and then maybe I will not feel in limbo. Not sure at this time if I can face him alone as I will either get emotional or we will both say something we regret.

[Hope]

Hi Jeannie

I hope your op goes well. I've just returned home after having an op as well. I had an ongoing problem which I felt had to be sorted out if I'm going to be a strong single parent.... hopefully I'll be fighting fit and ready to enjoy my new life! When my H confessed to his affair and said that he was in love with his new woman I did plead with him to come back during those first few weeks but it soon became apparent that he was staying with her. I decided that if he didn't love me the way he should then I had to accept it and make a new life without him - it wasn't easy and I cried buckets! I went straight to the solicitor and decided that there was no point hanging around and the divorce proceedings began. Simply telling me he loved another woman was the end for me..... he didn't value me and I felt I deserved better. I forged ahead and worked really hard to get the divorce settled as quickly as possible.... it took just under one year despite many stressy phone calls to each other followed by hours of nagging and pushing inorder to get him to repsond to things but I'm so glad its all over. I've also moved house which seemed to erase the very sad memories that filled the old family home.

As difficult as all this was to me Jeannie I couldn't see the point in just waiting around incase he changed his mind or incase he decided he'd made a mistake. I felt if he valued and loved me he wouldn't have hurt me this way and he wouldn't have slept with another woman behind my back! I'm not sure if my ex H still thinks the grass is still greener the other side.... a few cracks have surfaced since he's been living with her. I will never really get over what he did and I'll never forget the way in which he so easily deceived me but I do feel a huge amount of relief that we are finally divorced and that my future is what I make it now. If my H had returned to me I would never have been happy even though I still loved him. I would have spent a great deal of time wondering if history would repeat itself or if he'd continue to see the O/W behind my back etc. I made the decisicion that I deserved better and was prepared to go through the heartache of being single inorder to search for a happier life. You say your son is bitter and angry and doesn't want you to take your H back..... I can understand why.... he wants you to be happy, loved, cherished and valued..... not treated like a doormat and lied to etc. My eldest son is 12 and he said that I deserve better - children hurt very much during all of this as well but they tend to keep it from you so that they don't cause you any further pain. If you take him back do it not because you are afraid to face the world alone but because you are strong and able to cope with everything your H has done and that you can "forgive".

I know you may be afraid to be alone but it does get easier. I have my children so I'm not totally alone but I've got used to being single and I'm quite enjoying my freedom now. I do miss the companionship of a partner and I do want to have a relationship again and when the time feels right I'm going to enjoy every bit of being romanced again!!! I'm surprised how much more confident I feel after a year of being a "singleton". I wasn't particularly confident during the latter part of my marriage..... my H was sometimes a little critical and didn't offer much in the way of affection, his idea of affection was only ever confined to the bedroom when it suited him! Many people have said how much better I look and do you know what I feel better and yes I do believe I look healthier and happier. If someone had looked into a crystal ball and told me that my H was going to leave me, and that I'd own my own home and have new friends and be a confident independant single mother etc. I would have laughed and said "no way"! Sometimes separation and divorce doesn't have to be the end. Sometimes it can bring out an inner strength you didn't know you had. Don't be afraid. Hold your head up high and be strong when you see your H (if you can). Give him the impresssion that you are strong and happy (even if you don't feel that way at the time)..... he'll probably be really annoyed that your coping so well!!! You may well be shaking in your boots when you see him but try and disguise it...... at the end of the day the best revenge of all is success. Moving on and just getting on with a new life is difficult in the early days admittedly.... there's lots of tears and anger but it really does get easier.

One thing I've noticed about my ex H is that he likes to be "incontrol" of me. As my life is becoming more detached from him he shows his jealousy.... he doesn't appear to like seeing me cope so well alone but then what did he expect after leaving me! He almost sounds envious when I say I have new friends and if I look really happy and content he seems a little jealous. He said one day that he will struggle to see me with another man and yet its ok for him to have his fancy woman and get divorced! Some of these walk away spouses have a very odd out look on what happiness is all about. At the end of the day my ex H was and is still a complicated man Jeannie and may never understand the true meaning of happiness but regardless of the mess our H's make of their lives its important that we live a good life ourselves and not be manipulated by them anymore, life if far too short for all of this.

Just a piece of advice about finances...... My H and I went to mediation to sort out finances. The mediators help you to both agree on a financial plan that is fair to both parties before a divorce and they help you to put together a workable and fair financial settlement if you go ahead and divorce. I would recommend it because you're on neutral territory and both parties don't usually argue during the meetings.... it may help you to cope with things if someone else is there.

I do hope things get better for you. I found getting out with my friends and enjoying myself helped me to forget my rat of a husband! Even when I felt depressed I found getting out helped me to forget for a while. I think about myself and the kids now and quite honestly I don't really think about him much anymore. Give yourself lots of "me" time, spoil yourself and give yourself a boost..... when your H next sees you he'll begin to wonder what he's given up!

Take care
Hope

[jeannie]

can anyone explain the emotions I am now feeling ! whilst he was still here the emotions were as you expct pretty high. He was still saying he loved me, cared and did not see a problem with our marriage. We were still have good sex, and I am sure that all this was genuine until he was with the O/W and he was screwed up again. I kept getting told she makes me feel good, takes away the last of the stress and I have to know and that is why I am going. The emotions now he has gone are really frightening me. For the first week although I broke down a lot I did not miss him ! it was like a dream world the stress and strain had gone I was doing things I would not normally do like visiting people and watching programmes I enjoyed. But as time goes on and I can talk and think more rationally I do know I am missing him and love him so much. He tries to ring occasionally but I have had to text him to say emotionally I cannot talk to him as I am not sure how I will be. We have spoke a couple of times and the first was Ok but the second time we had words. I feel either I would break down and remind him I loved him or either get cross with him and try to remind him what he has done to us all. Either way I don't think it would help and he would get defensive. He did not like the fact I went to see a SOlicitor early and he had to do the same ( froma mutual friend I heard he was not happy when he got back but I do not know) and today he should get a letter from me ( quite a inoffensive letter) explaining exactly what I would like to live on and see if he agrees. I am not sure how I will talk to him to discuss it. When he does try to ring a the moment I do not answer the phone and he will not leave a message so not sure why he is ringing.

I am getting on with my life and if he does see me will see a stronger, slimmer always looking smart person. I am going away the weekend with friends ( he does not know that) and looking forward to it a lot. But the irrational thoughts I am thinking and remembering are causing me stress now and I think I know how he felt at the begininng when it was just stress and not the relationship with this woman. Does it get better, can I ever have him back I really want him back and know it won't be easy and I know how to play it but I hate feeling like this. Strong one minute and a whimpering wreck the next.

[Hope]

Well done Jeannie, you sound as though you're getting out and it will do you the world of good. The holiday is a great idea... I did the same thing when my ex left and it really lifted my spirits. You sound as though you're spending time on yourself and focusing on "you" and looking good etc..... thats such great therapy. I also did that because I found that when I started to have a new image and looked different it also made me feel different - it was almost as if I had to change the way I looked because I didn't want to look the same as the woman my H had left..... my hair was medium length when he left and now its long and I look like a totally different person..... its all about feeling good about yourself and Jeannie the inner strength and confidence will soon follow. Try to focus on a new life for you now. Yes you can hope that your H will return but you also need to plan for him not to return so don't let your feelings of rejection, loneliness and insecurity cloud your judgement....

Well done for going to the solicitor.... it takes lot of courage to do that but its a strong and positive step forward.... keep strong

Take care
Hope

[jeannie]

Hope, thanx for your thoughts. I did finally agree to meet him last night on our own on neutral territory which although I was very nervous and felt sick went quite well. I did get a little emotional and he held my hand and said he was riddled with guilt and he still had feelings for me. WE were there to discuss maintenance and he had the figures I had set out, but kept harping back to his Solicitor which resulted in he was only letting me have a third of his salary. He had to go to the back on Thuirsday to sort itwith the Bank. I told him I felt that was not enough but he said that almost immediately he moved in with O/W shehad rung round and cancelled her benefits and he was telling me he was legally responsible for her children ! She felt she had to do this as someone may have shopped her! I wouldn't have done but she could not have been certain after one week that he would support her I feel.

We left with him cuddling me, kissing me, and telling me to take care. I told him again I loved him and wanted to be there for him if ever he needed me ! He said I was confusing him even more. I obviously had time to digest this overnight and texted him to ring me tonight. I was ready as I had been out rambling today and felt very good. He must have had a stressy day, I started by telling him how ill I thought he looked and I felt he should go to the Dr and discuss it as he was obviously under some stress at work ( his friend told me that) and what was happening between us did not help. I then calmly put my point across about the money ( unbeknown to him I again took advice from a Solicitor on what to say) and ended it with if that is all he could offer I would have to sell the house as I could not maintain it. He started getting angry and insisted I went to the Bank with him tomorrow. The appointment is for him not me and I told him so, obviously he cannot deal with this alone again. I told him I felt the o/W had acted in undue haste as she was the only one thinking rationally and had put us in this situation. I still do not know where I stand about the money as he told me we were getting nowhere and he had to go. I told him to look at the figures again and let me know. I would love to be a fly on the wall in that house tonight. She cannot be happy if he is coming home with this every night! SO it looks if as I am screwing his head up both ways! I am not too worried about the money as my Mother is coming up trumps and giving me quite a bit to tide me over, but he does not know that. but I think the Bank may be worried if the direct debits cannot be met and no guarantees made. I have to ring my SOlicitor tomorrow. H actually said if I have to contest it he will have to go to court, I persuaded him neither of us want that, and my Solicitor is not even sure that the court will tell us to sell up anyway so I hope this can be solved.

If only he did not give out mixed signals and people tellme he will be back ! but I am feeling stronger and getting on with life now and in some ways enjoying watching him suffer. The fact I do want him back, but a different H to this one is taking a back burner.

Watch this space

[London]

You go girl!! :)

[Hope]

I don't want to dampen your spirits especially whilst you are feeling quite happy and in control but don't bank on your H coming back and try to remain strong and independant, just incase of the worst case scenario. My ex H was riddled with guilt and in the end he did support myself and the boys financially with the final divorce settlement so I can't criticise him but he still didn't come back to myself and the children..... he also used to cuddle me and told me he still had feelings for me but still he never returned...... sometimes it was as though in his ideal world he'd have both of us but that was not to be i'm afraid!

Just one piece of advice..... ask what your solicitor thinks your H should be paying you because at the end of the day you may be eligible for more. Your H can't expect to walk out on a family and then ask you to live on a 3rd of his salary when you've been used to 100% of his income!!! I don't understand this thing about your H being responsible for paying for the other womans children.... is that true? I didn't realise that a man living with a woman, who's kids weren't his, had to pay towards their keep and that he was legally responsible - I'd check that's true if were you..... lets hope its not!

Keep up the positive attitude you're doing so well.

Take care
Hope

[poppy]

I agree it's unlikely he has any liability to pay for the OW children. They're not his and I don't think this can be legally taken into account in the divorce. He hasn't supported them before. Their support is the responsibiity of the OW and the father of her children surely. If H can't afford his new situation and YOU, then blooming tough. Just make sure you get every penny you can. Why should you suffer financially one cent more than you need to. The danger I guess it that the upkeep/rention of the marital home might be considered unfair by a Judge. But you're doing so well, and of course your Solicitor will advise. Keep on in there. Don't be sympathetic to him on finance. Remember whatever the outcome now will affect the rest of your life and your standard of living. Get it wrong now and you could come to regret not taking a hard stance to take care of YOU. He hasn't. Don't be soft on him. He's made his bed, now let him lie on it and take the consequences, He made his own choices. Best of luck.

[jeannie]

did check with my SOlicitor and he is not responsible for the children and the courts would take into account one third of our joint salary. My Solicitor was not at allsure I would get more than I am being offered and I would not have to sell the house ultimately, but like me he was amazed at the speed in which the O/W cancelled all our benefits the minute my H moved in. H told me she was worried that I would report her, as I do not know her surname, or where she lives and do not want to know I find that hard to believe. She obviosly knew exactly what she was doing and wanted to put the guilt on him to suppport her financially even before we had sorted outselves out. Give her her due she is clever and obviously done this before. I spoke to H again last night he was obviously feeling stressed and I started the conversation light and said I thought he looked ill and obviously under pressure ( which started all this in the first place) and would he go and see a Dr.

On the question of money I told him to look at the figures again and he could see what he was offering would not cover the bills and ultimately I would have to sell the house. This he did not want and got very defensive, He was supposed to go to the Bank today and sort out the joint account with a view to opening one of his own but now does not know what to do. he tried to insist I go with him I pointed out this is his appointment for him to sort out but again he is showing me he cannot deal with it and wants me there to sort it I have refused point blank and told him to go away and think about it before doing anything. I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall in that house last night. He would have been quite uptight and would have either retreated into himself or told her and she would start again. either way over the last two days I think I have been a thorn in the side.

If he does not sort it today I am away for the weekend out of telephone range and not back until early next week, by which time he would have been paid and not able to sort out a new account. this he is finding difficult anyway as he cannot produce utitlity bills for the new house. I hope she does not suggest putting his money in hers !

I am feeling much stronger to deal with this, and ultimately am faced with the fact he may not come back, even though people are telling me he will, including a gentleman I met yesterday who said he did this and woke up and now him and his Wife are much happier.

Speak soon

[jeannie]

Me again, tried to get away for the weekend, but maybe it was too early. Our oldest friends invited me down and the Wife picked me up Friday night. I was quite looking forward to it. H went to the Bank Thursday and has since not contacted me to let me know what he did, so I went to the Bank and they said the account is now frozen and he has opened up his own account but where does that leave me.

It was nice to get away but being with people who introduced us in 1970 and the husband has known H since they were at school together was hard. I missed him terribly and they were very good and let me talk but I could not settle. I found I had a lot of time on my hands which did not help. So Sunday I asked them to bring me back. Luckily my son and his partner were here planning a BBQ ( as they have a small garden) and my friends stayed and we had a pleasant afternoon. I am so happier to be home but God I miss him. I wish he did not still tell me he had feelings and was confused. He held me Tuesday night and kissed me and mutual friends at work say he is under tension and stress and not communicating well. I do not know what to read into this, I want him back but ultimately face the fact he may not want to come back. Our friends married the year before us and I noticed they did not talk much and talking individually to them I found they were just living together out of habit and there was not much closeness there now. We were not like that even at the end and I cannot get my head around that where did it go wrong !

People say give it six months and he will be back but I cannot go on another 6 days, I want to see him again but afraid of what he might tell me !

[Angelika]

Hi Jeannie,
Sorry to hear that you are also in this mess. There are quite frankly to many of us men and women in this boat My husband has also been gone for almost 8 months now and I am hurting like crazy.

However, everyone and I mean everyone says hang in there if you want it bad enough you will suceed. The power of positive thought I think. Some people believe that if you have had a loving and long relationship, especially with children involved, you will never let go and that will go for your husband too. Maybe when he realises that you have been there for him still being kind and in love that what he has now does not compare.

Lets face it the grass is not greener on the other side and if a person has issues they will take them with them to their next relationship and finally they will find out: "same sh*t, different woman".

Be nice and smiley and caring in a non threating way. I have taken to telling me husband "there, there you will be OK!" as if I have left and that confuses him.

As they say what comes around turns around and I am sure that this is true. Maybe we just want to win, because in reality who wants a man like that.

At least you can hold your head up high in the knowledge that you have done everything in your power, and learned a few lessons along the way. He won't and just maybe this will haunt him and other people like that.

As for the present moment don't just want "skin"? I cannot believe how much I miss warm flesh next to me. Not passion or sex, just cuddles. Bar from brushing against someone in the pub it is not happening. I spent my wedding aniversary in the pub on Friday and had a brilliant time, but unfortunately "no skin".

Take care, hang in there and do everything right, if there is a God it will be OK in the end.

Love, Angelika

[Hope]

Angelika

I still have to see my Ex husband when he picks the kids up or drops them off and I hate it when he's cold and almost dismissive towards me. I may as well be invisible sometimes..... the last time he dropped the kids off he had such a miserable face on, he was like a black cloud and I couldn't wait for him to leave. My natural reaction to ANYONE that enters my home is to be polite and greet them with a warm smile - isn't that normal? I don't understand why my ex is so cold towards me now..... he's got his divorce, he has his new woman and yet still doesn't look happy! Sometimes I think he's looking for an argument but I WON'T give him the satisfaction.... he can take that moody back to his new woman and make her suffer!

Jeannie,

Sorry to hear the weekend wasn't so good.... I did the same thing and went away straight after my ex left me. I enjoyed myself BUT I felt a bit odd and homesick because it felt wrong being away with our friends and my children but no husband by my side. My friends are very happily married and kept cuddling up and I found myself getting tearful behind my sunglasses! So as you can see the "getting away" thing can help but it doesn't cure much! Anyway it does take time and it takes a lot of getting used to during the initial months so be patient with yourself..... your doing so well.

Take care
Hope

[jeannie]

I know it is early days, my H only left three weeks ago but I am still very confused over it all. My friends and family are in two camps, one saying he has gone, he is with someone else and get over it !. The others including myself can only see the quickness of it all, 6 weeks from the time it started until he moved in. He is still contacting me, telling me he loves me, there was no problem with our marriage etc. I don't think he is playing mind games with me he is not that clever. I went in for a operation on Friday and even though he wanted to take me in he has never actually discussed the operation. He left almost a week to the day I told him I needed the op ! Someone has suggested that was the final straw, he has been under immense stress ( which he does not handle well with responsibility) at work and has never been a supportive husband. The idea that the op may have been his final straw never occured to me. I am getting stronger and coping well without him but I now know I love him so much and miss him terribly. I have told him this but not I want him back. I have been advised to let him sort himself out, on that issue.

I may be naive but I can see a very confused person in the middle of a mid life crisis who he feels he has no-one to talk to. He told me after two weeks of it starting and just said she made him feel good and made him laugh and she took the stress away.

Today a friend of mine who I had not seen for a while came to see me and admitted she saw H with the OW in a local pub a week after he left not knowing and saw them together. She asked, not thinking, where I was and he admitted we had separated - no reason - but she guessed he was with the other family. She was amazed at the person he was with thought her very hard looking. She managed to have a quick word with him and he said marriage was not everything and I was Ok. ! But in reality he has gone from one marraige to another as he has moved straight in and she is making him financial responsible for her family. I have been told that the best option for me is to stand back, not make waves and wait. But I think the OW knows how to play him and it may not hit him what he has done as she is making life good. Or will he wake up one day and realise. As I said at the moment all I want is for him to walk back and admit his mistake. I would have him back, under my terms and I know it will never be the same again. But I am not prepared to throw away 33 yrs of what even he admits was not a bad marriage. Am I fooling myself. Can I believe he will come back. ANy advice from anyone been through this.

p.s. The op itself went Ok , but I am taking a little time to get over it and just wish he was here to give me a Hug, and it is is him I want not just anyone. I will have to wait a couple of weeks for the result and what if it is bad news can I tell him even he cannot handle it.

Do men get over these mid life crisis or can these good feel factor go on !

[Valerie]

Hello Jeannie,

Just reading your posts and understanding what you are going through. Emptiness I have felt before and it seems a frog is in your throat and won't go up nor down. How I felt better, well sometimes I cried and when I got tired I went out, and when things weren't the same I went new places, met new friends, had new ambitions and goals. I changed. It hurt. Some things got better, and a part in my heart still held on to the past. But I guess the important thing was that I dealt with it in a better way. A stronger way. I was able to rationalize and not demonstrate weakness or pain. Only time heals pain. I think you are doing well. As far as things you may need assistance for, I once tried getting other friends to help me and little by little refrained from keeping the other informed of my where abouts. Not out of spite, just to heal for myself.

[jeannie]

Funnily enough I do not feel lonely, I miss him but can cope in a day to day way. I must admit to waking up every day and having a few tears and occasionally I breakdown but the emotions are still high. I think the disbelief is still there, coupled with the fact that maybe irrationally I feel that I have to go to other people, no-one is knocking on my door to see how I am. Occasionally someone will ring ( including members of his family) who tell me they are thinking of me daily ! My son in particular is very angry and I had to go and see him last night. He does not want to discuss the situation, although is very good in other practical ways. He is near to breaking point I feel and it hurts me to watch him go through this. I am told his Father will have a break down of some sort in time but I think my son will hit it first. He alone tells me catagorically that he knows my H will not return and will lay a £1000 bet on it. How can he be so sure, does he know something I don't. My daughter although I can talk to her on the phone seems to be making excuses not to see me.

I know it has only been three weeks since he went and I have only seen him once. He is still not really sorting anything out about money, I know he has been to the Bank and we are getting different stories about the state of the account, but he is not putting anything in.

I am beginning to doubt myself now, was I blind to the state of our marriage but I still think it was not that bad, just a rut we got in after 32 yrs. He is still telling me he did not see a problem. So why did he feel ' he had to go' to this other woman who made him ' feel good'.
Was it the mid life crisis, will he come out of it, will I want him back.

Why does he still want to ring me, be friends and come back and do things for me. Should I stand back and let him get on with it. It is very hard as I get very emotional when I sspeak to him. I am going back to relate next week to try and getmy head round it. I do love him, I do miss him and deep down want him back but know it can never be the same.

[Valerie]

No Jeannie, I don't think you should let him do things for you, ring you, nor have access to your accounts. I would have taken care of that on the day he left. Anything you provide for the kids you should have control over. It's to gain some control back and care for yourself, until time passes and resonable decisions are made. The kids are important and their not wanting to communicate is uneasy. Can you get counseling with them?

[jeannie]

Valerie, I understand what you are saying and today I am feeling at my strongest and had to go to CAB, the Solicitor and the COuncil to sort things out. For this I really do not like him at the moment for doing this to me. I also had to go around the supermarket choosing the cheaper options and watching the pennies.

I know he was not the most supportive of husbands, could be selfish and not face up to anything but why do I still want him back. My first thought of the day is him, as is the last. The littlest thing sets me off. I want him to ring me and keep contact. I love him dearly and miss him. But I will not have him back at the house as I do not trust him not to ask to take away more stuff. I wish he would not keep telling me he loves me and is still my Husband. That makes it even harder to understand why he felt he had to go!.

I will be watching my son and may advise he goes to talk it over with someone but he is very much like his Father and he wouldn't go !

[Hope]

Hi Jeannie,

My Ex H has been the same..... still seems to want to do nice things to help me and then the next day he'll be the complete opposite! I also think I was a bit blind to the state of my marriage BUT when a partner doesn't express his genuine feelings how can you know whats wrong! None of us are mind readers!
Perhaps some of this is a midlife crisis..... my ex is doing everything he would do if he were a single man! Having a family did restrict him and I guess he just became tired of the ties that come with a family.... pretty selfish I guess!

My ex wanted to be friends... he kept saying that! As I began to "ACCEPT" his decision to leave and I also said "yes we'll be friends" he now seems to be going out of his way to cause an argument! I think he's only happy when he's involved in a drama! Sadly some people are never happy.

Take care Jeannie and don't let him manipulate you .... I wonder if thats whats behind his "Mr Nice" behaviour.... he may enjoy being in control of you! Be strong, be nice to his face then punch your pillows when he's gone but don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's getting to you.... some people feed of this type of attention!

Take care
Hope

[jools]

Hi Jeannie,
I haven't posted on your thread for a while but I've been following your story throughout. He's still trying to control you isn't he? I've had a few glasses of wine and i might try to edit this tomorrow, but i'm going to be very un "p.c." and say what I think you need. Basically i think you'll only get over him if (when) you find someone else. I know all the talk about "I don't need a man to make me happy/complete," whatever. But in the past I've always found that the best way to get over heart ache is to find someone else to distract you and make you feel good about yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe if you could be open to that idea. It's better than waiting for someone that has chosen to live with someone else. It would be worth it just to irritate the hell out of him!

A friend of mine went through what you're going through and she met someone else. Basically her husband and his woman have split up but she's really happy and set to re-marry. She seems much happier than she ever was with her husband; though at the time of the break-up she was in a hell of a state and couldn't see much of a future. It is sad though how badly your children have taken this. I'm sorry I don't know what to say about that...except talk to them, which i'm sure you do. I really hope you find a way through this, and soon, as it must be unbearably hard. (Internet dating?)
Love Jools XXXX
________
WIKI VAPORIZER (http://vaporizerwiki.com)

[woodywasp]

Hi Jeannie,It seems that Men and women are not unlike I am now into my fifth week on my own I wish that my Wife had the ability to see things the way you do. I would give anything to know that My Wife felt that way but sadly it seems that some people have this ability to turn off there feelings and I find myself wondering in my short marriage if really she ever had any feelings for me at all.
I have read through your posts and it seems that like me you are torturing yourself unfortunately from what I understand it is all part of the grieving process. I have been in a similiar position before and take heart that although every one does tell you it gets easier it does in time. I saw my Wife for the first time tonight in a week she gave me a cursory glance then looked the opposite way. I did not react except to look the opposite way myself she was in a car which pulled up at the side of me I was dying to toot my horn yell scream, anything to get her attention yet I knew that truthfully this would be the worse thing I could possibly have done . I have read many books available on the internet to try and help me understand things and I can tell you that they all very much say the same thing . It is not easy, but then any thing worth fighting for isnt easy. Take heart in the fact that your Husband is speaking to you He might well be telling you things that you do not want to hear but at least He is communicating with you and whislt I dont want to give you any false hope there is hope as long as you are communicating.
I am not one for advice in fact I have a thread going myself looking for answers but one thing I can tell you is not to make yourself so readily available.
I sincerely hope that you do get what you want and that if your Husband comes back that your marriage is stronger for these trials you are been put through

Take care and look after yourself

David

[poppy]

Grown up children still see us Mums as someone they take their problems to. Sadly they can very reticent when we take our problems to them or indeed become a problem in ourselves. Coupled with the fact how hurt they must be too, it's understandable they seem to want to distance themselves. It's very hard for us to take, and we feel let down by these children we love so much, and given so much to and with some justification, but all this so alters the natural balance of things, we have to see that it is very difficult for them too. I remember when my parents divorced after 40 years of marriage, I was then in my 30's and heavily pregnant, and I remember feeling very angry with my father, not only for deserting his family, but for leaving me with the fall out and the responsibility for my mother. So try to understand how they're feeling and keep a softly loving communication going with them It will be enormously to your benefit in the long run. It's difficult with the children, even grown up children, to deal with the disintegration of what has been all their lives. Time will bring them back to you closer than ever.

I have followed your postings from the beginning Jeanie, so know what an emotional roller coaster you are on. I do so feel for you and can only begin to imagine how devastated you are and how confused and how one day you feel that you're coping, and the next knocked right down again. Stop waiting for him Jeannie and putting too much credence on things you hear about this other woman. Whatever predatory cow or tart she may, or may not be, it was his choice to go. No one in these kind of circumstances can be made to go somewhere they really don't want to go, and to throw so much away in the process. You must accept that this is his decision and whatever he thinks, or does or decides right now, you have no control over.

What you do have control over is what you do. I am sure I wrote many, many threads back that one of the first things you should do is to sort the finances and take any steps to protect yourself. It seems you haven't done this, which indicates a reluctance on your part to do anything which might further upset the balance, or indeed been construed as aggressive, or that might upset H. You need to get just bloody angry that you are being treated like this by someone you have given all the best years of your life to. Sadly, the best way to do this is to reverse your thinking and assume that he won't return however painful that is. Harsh I know, but if you assume in your mind he won't return, you will be surprised how this empowers you to start taking steps to protect yourself.

I don't know if you have seen a Solicitor yet, but you should, not to start any proceedings, but get advice on what you need to do at this stage. You say he's not paid any money into the bank account. How long can that go on? Don't let yourself slide into financial problems, it will only serve to add enormously to all your other griefs. The least he can do is to ensure you are financially supported, not in hand out way, because then the control remains with him, but money of your own to make your own decisions with. If he doesn't return, believe me you will kick yourself for not taking protective measures financially. He may well be more concerned at this time supporting the OW, and how fair is that to you? That he keeps in touch by the way is because, I would guess, he hasn't the balls to finally let go and he must have a humungously guilty conscience. So please don't put too much faith in that either.

Be strong Jeannie. You have been so brave and you have such courage. You sound a lovely person. What a fool he is. How easily men's heads are turned. And please don't assume you must have done something wrong, or not seen something you should have. It's almost certainly not so. You are a good person, and I am sure you were a good wife and a wonderful mother. Don't reproach yourself for someone else's failings and weakness of character. Thinking of you. Let us know how you are getting on. Perhaps we can help in some way. XX

[jeannie]

thankx for all your support, I did go to the Solicitor on the Monday he left and sorted out things in the short term, and from day one have tried to sort out the finances. I have written to him with what I felt was a reaonable budget, which after he took advice he rejected. Since then phone calls have been difficult as HE seems reluctant to discuss it. I feel he is getting financial pressure from her and sees his money frittering away. I have made him go to the Bank twice and sort things out, not something he is comfortable with as I always did it. Finally yesterday I went to the CAB and took advice ( not able to go before as facing operation) and we drafted a letter to him. My daughter and I fine tuned it last night as I wanted it to be a bit more personal and not make it sound too official asking him finally to sort this out for all our sakes.

Yes I am hoping he will come back, my friends are in two camps over this. The ones who saw it from the beginning and says it was so irrational and so out of character for him and those who just see he is having an affair and not to have him back. But it is getting easier and I am moving on and yes I am believing he will not be back and sitting back and letting him get on with it.

I want to keep in touch and communicate not only for my sake but his and the childrens, it may make him see we are not totally against him and there may be a small chance. He feels at the moment everyone is against him, he has no friends ( he has always said that) and no-one to turn to. But we are here and I still love him. My is my Husband and my Best fFriend and at the moment I am not looking elsewhere, I want to sort myself out.

I know reading others peoples stories there is every chance he will not return even if things with her does not work out, but I am not going to give hope, but I am not sitting around waiting.

I am not defending his actions so much as I did, he is under a lot of stress and hit a mid-life crisis and maybe he is happy at the moment as he said she took the stress away and he could talk to her about everything. But if he is now living with her and her children the problems do not go away and the stress is still there and she obviously has her own problems and cannot be there for him 100% as he thinks. I am not burying my head in the sand. But I do know he said he loved me, cared and there was not a problem with our marriage. He is not a clever man, quite naive at times himself and I felt he saw a different life and just walked without thinking of the consequences from both sides. He wants his cake and eat it is quite appropriate so not to aggravate the situation from our end seems reasonable to me. I think in time he will need all he friends he has and I can be there, maybe we will have both changed and not able to go back but we will see then

[jeannie]

not wrote in for a while so thought I would let everyone know that my op was a success and everything was benign . Unfortunately still in limbo with H. He is still with the other woman and at the moment still burying his head re maintenance. I have taken advice and ultimately will have to get a Court Order. But, and I dont know why, have a gut feeling about him coming back. I had a gut feeling he was seeing someone, the same feeling when I told him I knew who it was, and then also again that he would go to her. If you read my thread you will see this was all done so out of character for him and so sudden. I have spoken to work colleagues of his who says he is looking ill, and not so chirpy at work. I am not reading too much into it but know he is weak and selfish and buries his head so is perhaps unable to contact me to talk about it. I still at times get very emotional and not able to speak to him directly, our daughter does and finds him hard work to talk to and gets no answers.

I still love him very much, after 33 yrs it is hard not to, but on the other hand hating him for making me go through the op on my own. The family were there but ultimately I needed his support and even a hug ! He still does not know the result. He rang me on the day and said when it was all over he would give me a hug and on the day I got the results wished me luck. I don't think he can face asking the question and no-one else will tell him.

I am getting on with my life and doing the things I want now but I miss him so much. Not just company but HIM and would dearly love to speak to him and see him again but on my terms

[jools]

Hi, Jeannie
It's lovely to hear from you, and I have wondered how things have been going for you. Good news about the op! Sorry your H wasn't around for support. I think you're right about him being too weak to find out the results. Maybe someone has told him and that's why he hasn't contacted you. I'm not surprised he's miserable. Probably dicovered that his grass has turned rather muddy! I hope that the other "woman" (she doesn't deserve that title) is miserable too! I can't understand women who knowingly take other women's hubands. I'm not absolving the men from blame in saying that, I'm just relating as a female myself.

We all know that he doesn't deserve you, Jeannie, but you love him so I guess that's irrelevant! It does sound as though he might decide that his life with you was preferable to the one that he's moved on to. Well if that is the case he'd better not wait too long because you might find that you miss him less as time goes on. I wish you all the best, Jeannie.
Lots of love, Jools :) XX
________
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[jeannie]

thanks Jools,I still cannot beleive after 6 weeks of him gone I still cry a little every day. I miss him so much. I have just spent another Saturday at my Sister's as I felt I could not spend a whole weekend here./ But from the minute I arrived I wanted to come home ! but it is so empty and cold. I am dealing with the day to day issues as they arrive but would love to know why he will not sort out the money. Other people are saying perhaps he is not happy and not ready to sever our relationship but who knows. As far as I can tell only two or three people who talk to him know my result and they are not telling him, so maybe he is scared to ask the question. Funnily enough I can forgive the 'affair' which my brother-in-law finds strange ( perhaps that is a man thing, but I cannot forgive the lack of support.
I know I need to talk to him but it is sad after 33 yrs of togetherness he cannot or won't talk to me and I find it still so emotional. I do hope it gets better.

Jeannie xx