He has become abusive.. in front of our daughter

[Danni468]

I need advice!!!

I have been married close on 2 years now with a man I used to be friends with. I had a baby daughter with someone else by the time we finally got together and he adopted her shortly after we married. He loves her as his own and she loves him too. She is now 4 years old.

We are both working professionals and lead very stressful lives.

I noticed that he had an anger problem a while back, when he started getting verbally abusive and punching doors & walls. He was drinking at the time and we initially thought it was because of this. So he stopped.

Things have slowly gotten worse, when just the smallest thing will trigger him off. He will start punching things, kicking things and breaking things in front of both my daughter and I. He gets nasty with his words and the more I try to calm him the worse he gets.

On Friday last week, things got very bad after work. I surprised him at the station, as a romantic gesture and on the way home together with our daughter, he went into a violent rage, kicking street signs and cursing. We got home and I decided to remove my girl from the situation and take her to a friend.

When he realised what I was trying to do, he started pushing me. He grabbed my phone and smashed it against the wall, and then threw me against the wall saying I wasnt going anywhere... My daughter started crying and I begged him to let me go... he pushed me to the door with her in my arms and pushed us out, shouting that if we go, we dare come back...

10 minutes later, after I had managed to piece my phone together, he kept calling, begging for me to come home... promising me the world... I had nowhere to go, so I ended up back at home with him treating me like gold.

I know it was out of guilt and he is now again picking at everything I do and blaming me for what he did.

I dont know what to do... He has changed so much. I used to love him so much, but now I am petrified of him...

I am scared to leave as I have no where to go. All my family & friends live in South Africa.

Everyone is telling me to leave him! Its not that easy....

[Liz]

Dear Danni

Your friends advice is wise. Your husband has a problem with anger and you and your daughter are in danger. Until your husband seeks help, you need to seriously consider going somewhere where you are safe. Do you really think things are just going to get better. if your husband is willing to seek help then you may find a way through this together.

Please look at the resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/womenrisk/) and consider contacting one of the support groups for people in your situation.

Liz

[London]

Danni -

I agree with the above comments - LEAVE HIM and LEAVE HIM QUICKLY! You are a professional - get your own place, do whatever it takes but leave this guy. Liz has pointed to some useful articles. Please don't give into belivieving you have no options. The only option you don't have is staying with this guy.

Unless he changes, and changes AFTER seeking external help, then maybe you can talk about getting together and trusting him. But for now, its not safe!

[Danni468]

Well,


Last night he agreed to go for help, but as a couple. My company has a special external councelling service. He spoke with them and said he was desperate to hold on to his marriage and needs help.

He also told me that he feels sick inside for doing this in front of our little girl.

He also found out that I was looking for prices for flights back to South Africa for my daughter and myself. He was in a state - crying that he doesnt want me to give up on us and that he loves me and wants to know if I think he can make things right...

I still dont know... I have a scared and sick feeling in my tummy!

[London]

Danni - If you can, go back home and take some time away. Not only do you need the space but maybe, just maybe, he'll work harder to getting this sorted knowing that you are serious about leaving him for good if he does not change. You can tell him that you are not *yet* leaving for good, just a breather for the two (three) of you for now...

[Danni468]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all your advice. Last week, I called a special helpline (contracted through my company). They were very helpful and suggested I get my husband to call. He did and told them that he was desperate for help and didnt want to lose me.

We received a call the other day saying that they suggest councelling and we should go as a couple. Last night a councellor near to where we stay was put on the job and we are seeing her tonight.

I am still a little scared, even though he has been trying to make things right. I was in an abusive relationship at the age of 13 (boyfriend was 16) and I know what an abusive partner is all about... I remember him cutting me, beating me, taking advantage sexually and then forgetting what he did and spoiling me rotten.

Yes, I am from South Africa, and we are all here on my ancestral visa. Both my husband and daughter were born in SA. Even if I had to go alone, I would not be able to afford it. I would be forced to move back to SA. I earn good money, but it barely covers child care, rent, food, travelling etc...

I have told him, that if I see aggressive or abusive behaviour once more, I will be on the next plane.

Wish me luck for this evening!

[London]

GOOD LUCK............!

Hugs.

[helenrw200]

Good luck Danni xx

Helen

[Danni468]

Hi everyone…

Further to my email yesterday...

Oh dear… Last night we went for our first session of counselling. We met up before and he was happy and affectionate, but as soon as we walked in, he pulled out this list of ammunition against me. He went on about how I make him angry and how I push him with my insecurities etc. I was then asked to tell my side, which I did. The counsellor looked at him and said – you have a problem… it continued to go back and forth and he was actually embarrassing himself with what he was saying. She went deep into our up bringing and mentioned something that made a lot of sense.

His mom abandoned him & his brother as young children. She left them with their father from the ages of 5 and 3. He has always had contact with her, but the counsellor suggests that he has unconscious anger towards his mother, which he may be playing out on me. He has never had a female role model in his life, as his father never remarried. He of course denied this and got angry that we were getting his mother involved in our problems.

Needless to say, we walked out of the session and he was angrier than ever. He said the counsellor was sexist and that he wants a male counsellor as he felt that she sided with me. He was really in a bad mood and continued to blame me for his actions.

I went to fetch my daughter and decided to stay a while and chat to her carer. He called and when I answered he said he was sorry and he didn’t mean to go on the way he did. I told him it was too late to apologise.

When I got home, he was all over me, telling me not to give up on him and that he really wants to make things work. I told him that I am ready to leave and I am not scared to leave anymore.

Our next session is next week Thursday. I really want this to work, but from previous experience, I have serious doubts. I just cant believe his behaviour towards the counsellor!

[Liz]

Dear Danni

Don't you think that his behaviour just confirms what the counsellor said, but if this is something that has been part of his life since he was five, he can't just switch it off now. It will take him time to come to terms with what happened in the past. He will need your patient support. Just imagine the pain he has been dealing with and probably burying all these years. He may well have a deep seated belief that women who should love him walk out on him. He may well have been struggling with fear that you would do the same. People that have insecurities like this often push those they love to test this out and to be reassured.

It's hard because this is none of your making, but wholesome love wants the best for the loved one. They want to see their loved one whole and healthy and free from pain. Can you find the generosity and compassion in your heart to try to help your man through this? I still think that you need to be wise to stay safe while he learns to handle his anger wisely and I'm sure you need lots of support yourself.

All the best

Liz