I'm always hurting my wife

[Delicious Walnuts]

Hello everybody,

I am new on this site. Here is my situation (it's long):

I am 24 years old, and my wife is 21. My wife and I have
been married for a year and a half now. Since the beginning
of our relationship, it has been stormy. I must say that
when we started, I don't think I knew exactly what love and
marriage meant. I do love my wife now, and I am constantly
in distress, crying over how I have abused her love for me.

I used to yell at her when I didn't understand her, and
there was a period when I physically took her and squeezed
her hard in frustration or shook her back and forth. Once I
threw a phone in anger and to my horror, it hit her on the
leg. During one argument when she kept talking about leaving
me, I hit her with medium force on the back and said, "fine!
There, now you have a reason to leave!" About a week after
that incident, I threw a chair during an argument that I
blew out of proportion. Though I did not intentionally throw
it at her, she felt that it came too close to her and called
the police. My family and hers stepped in and made sure it
didn't turn into a long and drawn-out court case, and I am
very lucky for this.

These days, I do not throw things or shake my wife, but I do
get very angry and scare her dearly. Occasionally I have
made what could be called violent physical contact with her
(slapping her hand away, elbowing her aside). She has lost
all trust for me to the point where if I make a mistake, she
will sometimes accuse me of doing it on purpose and then
accuse me of lying when I deny that I am doing it on
purpose. I might say that, although I have been abusive, it
has mostly been for me a case of blind desperation that I
must learn to control. I have never threatened to hurt her;
nor have I ever wanted to hurt her at all. I simply have
serious self-control issues, and some other more minor
problems understanding my wife's cues (the meaning of her
actions, or what she is trying to say).

My wife loves me, and this I know because she has stayed
with me and forgiven me time and again despite my inability
to make her feel loved. I do not ever wish to hurt my wife,
but at times I have seriously hurt her and her trust for me
through my actions. I am serious about stopping my
irresponsible behavior. I am seeing a therapist and have
undergone an anger management course. I feel nothing but
guilt for what I've done and who I am sometimes; I want to
be a better person and make her life beautiful and peaceful,
but it's only occasionally that I feel like I really
understand what is necessary in the moment.

There are other things that contribute to her distrust of
me. Before we were married, I gave her an STD that I didn't
know I had (I had sexual intercourse with only one person
before her - 5 years before meeting her; I think I may have
gotten it from an oral sexual encounter with somebody a year
before we got together). The STD was curable, but it led to
serious complications and an operation which scarred her and
hurts her to this day. In my teenage years, I took to
watching Internet porn, and did not stop watching it when we
got together. I did not tell her I was watching porn until
she asked me what I think about during sex, and I told her I
sometimes see images from porn videos when we make love, and
this upset her a great deal. In the past, I told her I would stop, but continued watching it occasionally and lied to her about it.

Then there's my family, especially my father's side. They
are rich and underhandedly quite coercive. I haVe grown
apart from them since I have been married, and my wife hates
them (this I do understand - but it did take me a while). I
grew up as their little boy, and really didn't take charge
of my own life when the time came. I am paying for it now.

These days, my wife talks about divorce every day. We don't
really get affectionate, we have sex maybe once a month (she
is much of the time too disgusted with me to want sex; I
feel guilty and don't want to impose). Occasionally I jerk
off, but I don't really do it often (about as often as we
have sex). I do not watch porn, but I do see pornographic
images in my head from time to time. Whenever we do make
love, it is the best thing in the world; we feel at least
connected in some way, and I feel nothing but love in the
air.

There is more to the whole situation, which I might
elaborate in subsequent posts in this thread, but basically
I came here to share my situation and see what people have
to say. I know you are probably thinking that I am
potentially a dangerous criminal - but I came here to be
brutally honest about things because I want to admit them
fully and change them. It is very hard to find somebody to
say all of what I've written here to and get their feedback
- some of this stuff is unspeakably horrible, and I have to
say, I feel more comfortable on a board like this where I am
anonymous and people don't have any relationship to me (and
thus any reason to fear me).

I love my wife, and I want to earn her love for me and make
our marriage what it should be. It looks so easy sometimes
to blame-shift and walk out of the relationship, but the
reality is that if we can't work things out, we will both be
scarred for life. I do believe that we can get it together;
I think much of the time the problem is that we don't
understand each other and our intentions - and my neurotic
impulses sometimes have made the situation worse than it had
to be. I am committed to stopping this destructive pattern.

I welcome any responses. If you think I am the scum of the
Earth, don't hesitate to say so. I need to come to grips
with the things I want solved, and I am seriously looking
for guidance and enlightenment wherever I can find it. Right
now, I may be pathetic, but I am not a quitter.

Thank You

[helenrw200]

When I married the first time, I was 16, my husband 18 . We both thought we were " grown ups ". Our marriage was as you put it , stormy, I would say to the point of violence, neither of us had the acquired tools one needs to deal with extreme emotions and ou.r arguments often became fights.

We were not grown ups, indeed we were little more than children playing at being married, due to my husband's continual infidelity we eventually split up, we never grew to an age together where we could articulate our emotions without resorting to violence.

In subsequent relationships I managed to develop this skill and it seems to me that this is now what you are trying to do, from what you've said. In effect I grew up.

You and your W also married quite young and I'm wondering if this may also be true in your case ? From what you've said, you were quite spoilt as a child ( basing this on you being from a wealthy background) and used to getting your own way.

Marriage is all about compromise and equality and respect and these are learned skills.

It sounds to me that you are indeed remorseful of your violent actions toward your W, and this is a good starting point for repairing your marriage, however, you must expect it to take time ( lots of it ) and patience ( even more of it ) in order for your W to begin to trust you .

You both have to want to put the bad things that have happened in the past and move forward, and whilst you may be more than ready to do this, your W may need a lot more time, give her that time, show her your love without being overwhelming and give her some space to sort out her own feelings.

I wish you both luck.

Helen

[Delicious Walnuts]

Thank you helen for your post. I am indeed very sheltered and yes, used to getting my way. I feel I have compromised a lot, but I know my wife has compromised even more.

She is always telling me to grow up. Sometimes, I wish I knew what that meant RIGHT in the MOMENT. I feel that I can't always understand what she wants from me. For example, as I mentioned before, my family is very coercive and has not treated my wife well; my father, although not wholly a part of that apparatus, doesn't always know better how to avoid their games. Anyway, I called my father on father's day (3rd Sunday in June in the States) just to wish him a happy father's day. I told my wife I had done this while she was in school and she got mad and would not tell me why. I told her I didn't know what I had done wrong. She kept saying that I knew better and I was playing games. Eventually it came out that she feared that my calling him alone would give him a sign that I was growing apart from her, and that he would want to come back and live with me and elbow her out of the picture (my father lives about 350 miles away, but we live in his and my mother's apartment, which is locked in their divorce; he may want to just "come back" and live there, which would obviously make things hairy). I honestly didn't know that she thought this!

Recently there was a situation in which we were leaving a hospital and I was hungry. I asked her if she wanted something to eat. She got a salad and expected me to get a sandwich. She cannot eat sandwiches (bread allergy) and I don't like to eat things she likes but can't have while she is around.

She did not tell me out loud (to my knowledge) that the point of her getting a salad was so that I wouldn't feel guilty getting a sandwich. Anyway, I got a salad (simply because I wanted a salad), and the rage came out at me for wasting money (we had a fresh package of salad mix at home).

I suppose I am a bit dense when it comes to "common sense" things or something. I definitely was not a good communicator when we started out in our relationship. I believe I am getting better, but it is so frustrating to both of us that we misunderstand each other all the time. A lot of our arguments happen because one of us (usually me) says something that is totally misinterpreted as something else. In my life, I had never been through such misunderstanding and disbelief, and I had never had to deal with the effects of thison a daily basis, especially in a marriage with somebody! I have learned a lot and am thankful.

If there's anything I can do to communicate better, please tell me. Sometimes I try just shutting up and hearing everything, and sometimes this is good - but at times my wife is frustrated that I don't answer her questions ("how long will it take for you to grow up?" "when will you stop playing games?") and so I'm in a situation where she wants me to say something, but whatever I say turns into another reason to badger me. Sometimes, I am subject to a tirade of names and insults ("you're a jerk" "you're a real asshole" "you're dumb just like your father" "you have nothing to offer me") and most of the time, I stay put and hear them all, but sometimes I can't help but cry - and that annoys her even more ("you're crying, feeling sorry for yourself like a little boy") I guess I just have to develop a thick skin about the situation and know that I've earned it and she is right to be angry. I just wish there were a more peaceful way I could reach her and at least soothe her anger (if I walk away, she comes after me with "see, you really don't want to hear what I have to say...").

This is a great forum, and I love reading stuff here, because it keeps me grounded to hear about people's experiences. I don't have any really close friends, I have to make some, so I don't really have anyone but my wife to ask for guidance. If you are reading this, I would love to hear your opinion.

Thanks

[helenrw200]

Hi

It seems to me that your wife is very frustrated over something, but is unable to articulate this for some reason. You say you listen, but listening is an art and many of us really don't listen properly. It is difficult without knowing either of you , to know what to suggest, you could try getting her to write down what she's feeling and why and then you do the same, which takes the immediate heat out of the situation but still allows you to get things out in the open.

If you and your wife are living in a property which is owned by your father and he may want it back at any moment , then I should imagine your W feels pretty insecure and this can only add to her feelings of discontent. Could you not find a place that is truely yours, that she can feel is more permanent ? Rent somewhere maybe ?

Growing up is something we all do at different ages and dependant on our circumstances , your W obviously feels for some reason that you haven't yet reached an adult stage i.e an age where you are responsible for yourself and again this may very well have to do with your living arrangements.

Lack of communication is a big cause of marital problems and as I said before learning the art of really listening is something you can acquire but which takes time. When your wife talks , what do you do ?Is there anyway you can show that you are actually listening ?

You are now in a position of having to live down your past behaviour and whether or not you can do that successfully depends a lot on how forgiving your wife is to past mistakes, she probably thinks " oh yeah he says he's changed but..... ". Think of ways in which you can prove to her that you have changed.

Bear in mind tho, that lack of communication is a 2 way street and she also has to learn to communicate with YOU. She has to feel comfortable and trust you enough to share her innermost feelings and fears with you, before you can even begin to tackle the root cause of any problems you may have.

For my part, I reckon moving into a place of your own may very well be a start..............?

Helen

[Delicious Walnuts]

I showed her my post and she accused me of lying because I said that I have never threatened her. She brought up how I had thought about dying and her dying with me, and that she felt that was a threat. There was a point at which I was having suicidal thoughts, because I couldn't get my head around things. I told her "why don't you just kill yourself" a few times, and though I never told her "I want to/am going to kill you/hurt you," I did tell her something like "wouldn't it be better if we both just died/killed ourselves?" These statements, combined with the way I get when I am angry, make a scary picture, and the more I look at it from her point of view the more I understand where she's coming from.

This is a graphic illustration of how I have misperceived things. Once she saw that I wrote "I have never threatened her," she immediately said, "what's the use of going to therapy and posting online if you are just going to be dishonest about everything! All you want is for somebody to come and make you feel good... you don't really want to change. And I'm not taking it any more."

I am still very bad at putting myself in other people's shoes (listening is a very fine art indeed), but I believe I'm getting better. I admit that I was threatening to my wife and am glad she pointed it out. A few minutes after this argument, we made dinner together and chatted, and I was fighting back sobs of joy, because she is still talking to me. These days, I am grateful for that.

There are sometimes I just can't seem to forsee things. I was driving her to school today and we had the windows down, for it was very hot (34º C), and she was eating the dinner we had cooked (yes, we do a lot of things on the go). She said nothing, she just ate. Then she told me she felt hot and sick and wanted to vomit, and then said, "I was in too much of a rush to eat before getting to school to tell you this; you should have been considerate and turned on the air conditioning!" I listened and apologized, but in the back of my mind, I was bewildered and thought that all she had to do was reach over and turn it on herself - maybe she was trying to be considerate of me by not turning it on! She had said nothing and I had no indication up to that point that she would have preferred air conditioning. It seems it goes beyond listening - you've got to almost pretend you are the other person to actually understand.

I have spent four hours late tonight looking for places to live, and I plan to make next Sunday a home-searching day. Lately, I have taken very little initiative, because I feel like everything I do is wrong - she tells me "oh, I'll just do it myself, like everything else in life." She is angered by my paralysis - but right now I feel that even if it makes her angry that I searched for homes instead of doing household chores, it will be worth it in the long term.

I love her so much. I just have to keep myself grounded. It's when I lose a sense of what something really means that I ruin things.

[helenrw200]

Just a passing thought here but ............... would it not be an idea to involve your W in the search for a new home ? Have you asked if she would also like to look ? Of course you may have already sorted this between you, but if not, then asking her may be an idea.....

Helen

[Delicious Walnuts]

Thanks. She wants to be involved but it seems to me like she has no problem if I take on searching - then we look together. If she does any searching for soemthing, it will involve leaving me.

Today, I accidentally took the car keys as well as the house keys with me and she could not get to her doctor's appointment at the hospital. I take a train to school, and I wanted her to have the car. But now she is so angry at me she is saying that she doesn't want to talk to me and told me "I'm done."

I tried to show her how sorry I felt, but she was just angry, and there was nothing I could do. She is having surgery, and she said, "I can't rely on you to be there for me." I told her she could, and I think I may have gone too far when I told her that she chooses to see me as somebody unreliable. I don't know. It's all a game to me at this point. A game of who can please who the most while asking for the least pleasure. And I stink at it.

To boot, my phone was off this morning (never bothered to turn it on) so she couldn't reach me!! I feel guilty, guilty, guilty, but what good does that do? I just hope my stupidity doesn't kill her. I want to grovel and feel like a rotten fool in order to "guilt myself into" having emotions that will "help", but I know it won't help. I've just got to go on without any answers, and I guess the answers will come later.

[dilkaraja]

Hi bro,
This is a bro who is exactly the same boat. I typed a reply exaplining the whole thing as a reply to your post, after clicking Submit, the site asked me my username/password and erased all that i typed. So i am gonna type this again.
Hey, first of all, what are your and your wife's sun-sign/zodiac signs.. just curious!!! I check my astrology regularly. I am Aries(29) and she is Pisces(26)
Wonder if both our families are following the same pattern.

We had same problems as you said and i wanna cry out that i hurt my wife too. But to be frank, she is the one starting all the quarrells, calling me names, alleging me things that i never did, suspecting me in things that i never intended to do. I wanna work out all the problems, and i tell her that "we are young, and have been married for the first time, so we will have problems, but we have to work it out". But she says she is tired of this for the last 1.5year and wanna leave me. I call her and tell her that i will stop beating and that i will goto anger management classes if she needs me to, but she says she doesn't believe me anymore. It has been more than a month now, that she left me and went to her sister's place. Her parents also assisted her in going to her place. When i ask her, if she was influenced by her parents and her sister, she says she did it on her own. But i am not sure if this is true, because when i called her and asked that she return to home, she would ask her father next to her and then tell me that she wouldn't come back. She also said she wanted to divorce. After lot of calling and me going down on my knees in front of her parents just to let me talk to her again, they wouldn't let me.
So after sometime, she would call one of my close friends, whose wife is also a close friend of her, and asked if i talked to him regarding the entire episode. So my fiend asked me why i would do that. He was understanding enough to hear the stories from both the sides. So when i exaplined him why situations would come to that extreme extent, he understood, that fault lies with her too. She would ridicule me, allege me doing things that i never did, suspect and have illusions of doing things that i would never imagine doing to her and constantly kill me emotionally. I would try explaining her to stop doing so or not to think negatively. I have reduced my anger a lot these days, but she would still continue to hurt me emotionally. Now, she says that, the only reason why i am asking her to come back is because i want to kill her once for all! My mind just went blank, when she said that. i didn;t know how to react. I really felt that she was afraid of me, so i really want to give her time to think about it. But now she is taking advantage of it and she has started to hurt me more emotionally. I even used to tell her, that words are much more hurting than physical hurt. I even showed some examples to her, but she doesn't want to accept her faults. Eventhough, i am telling the whole world that i acknowledge my beating to her, she wouldn't acknowledge her faults of using her emotionally lethal words. Her friends, relatives and even her mom explained her not to use such soul-wrenching words, but she wouldn't accept.
She is still with her parents now and is even going to Niagara Falls on her own with them leaving me alone here. This is her first time going to Niagara Falls and i wanted to be with my beloved wife and life partner, when she is experiencing that world's wonders, but she has left me. I am really really hurt, bro.
Hey, keep in touch lemme know, if u solved your problem, if so how and what did u learn in the way. Did your wife learn something too that you really are trying to change???

[London]

I really felt that she was afraid of me, so i really want to give her time to think about it. But now she is taking advantage of it and she has started to hurt me more emotionally. I even used to tell her, that words are much more hurting than physical hurt. I even showed some examples to her, but she doesn't want to accept her faults. Eventhough, i am telling the whole world that i acknowledge my beating to her, she wouldn't acknowledge her faults of using her emotionally lethal words.



Hmmmm, while i feel for you, there is NEVER a justifiable excuse for beating someone. Youare lucky she didn't press charges. The fact that she hurts you with words and you resort to physical hurt is probably evidence enough that there can be no reconciliation with words. Why should she believe you are changed?

You telling the world that you acknowledge beating her up is supposed to be proof you've changed? Please.

If you do love her, let her be. Stop harrassing the woman.


I call her and tell her that i will stop beating and that i will goto anger management classes if she needs me to,


IF she needs you to? I think you need to do that before even attempting to talk to her. Geeze louise, you can't even show her evidence that you want to change and here you are claiming you have. Why should she believe you? WHat have you done to warrant that? Talk is cheap. Prove to yourself and then perhaps to her that you want to change. By the sounds of it, its all about you. A relationship doesn't work that way mate...

[dilkaraja]

Hi London,
What is the guarantee that a therapist would completely change me. Shouldn't i be having the commitment and promise to myself that i would not repeat it again? Shouldn't i be the one who would say, "I wanna change"? If a person goes to a therapist, would he/she have changed? When the problem is there between both sides, shouldn't both be trying to make a change? For a relationship to work, shouldn't both be willing to work it out?

[Helen]

Hi London,
What is the guarantee that a therapist would completely change me. Shouldn't i be having the commitment and promise to myself that i would not repeat it again? Shouldn't i be the one who would say, "I wanna change"? If a person goes to a therapist, would he/she have changed? When the problem is there between both sides, shouldn't both be trying to make a change? For a relationship to work, shouldn't both be willing to work it out?There are no guarantees that a therapist could change you. But the act of going to a therapist and sharing this with your wife would go some way towards convincing her that you are serious about wanting to change. At the end of the day, words are cheap. We can all sit and talk about what we will and intend to do and most of us do. What matters is actions. Walking the talk.

I suspect this isn't the first time you have promised to change and your wife has probably heard all the words many times before. Now she realises they come far too easily and she will not be satisfied with anything less than action. So what you now need to do is follow through and take the action you keep promising to take. That will be the toughest thing but, if you seriously want your wife to consider taking you back, you will have to do it.

[London]

Hi London,
What is the guarantee that a therapist would completely change me. Shouldn't i be having the commitment and promise to myself that i would not repeat it again? Shouldn't i be the one who would say, "I wanna change"? If a person goes to a therapist, would he/she have changed? When the problem is there between both sides, shouldn't both be trying to make a change? For a relationship to work, shouldn't both be willing to work it out?

yes, that is part of the equation, but Helen nicely explains why you still have to "do it" - she is repeating, in another format what i said, for you to understand. This is not just about *you*. As I said, WHY, should your wife believe you - where's the proof. If you have changed, which I doubt, if you have, then going to a therapist cannot hurt, but it will show your wife that you are actually doing something about your problem and have a third party vouch for you.

Not only that, but I seriously doubt you are qualified to get to the root of your own issues or begin to understand the *why* you do what you did. A therapist can help you better understand your issues and the root causes and to help you identify those "urges". By yourself, you'll be limiting yourself to the occurences of the moment. Either way, it's not just about you.

[dilkaraja]

Hi
First of all, i want to be clear that i have already started making calls to therapists 2 weeks ago and i am still waiting on them for appointments. I think London is becoming too personal and offensive in saying that "I doubt". I don't want this discussion to be personal and offensive, i am here to come up with a positive and strong dialogue. I want you to be very clear that i have started to look for appointments, so there is no need for you guys to banter on me to goto a therapist. Geez man, you are so biased in your view,you haven't asked what is the story on the other side. Have you? It looks like you had a very troubled background.

[London]

Saying I doubt you are qualified for self-therapy is not getting personal nor am i attacking you. And what "other side of the story" are you referring to? If you want to get some dialogue here then I suggest you write down your various "sides" rather than telling us we don;t know the whole story. Of course we don;t. We only go by what you tell us.

Above you wrote that you'd only go see a therapist if your wife thought it would be a good idea. In your second post you challenged us as to why you should go. In either of those two posts you could have easily said you already made calls for appointments to go see them. So, please, stop playing games with your posts. The one with the issue or troubled background is you. Last time i checked, i wasn't beating up my wife or posters for not having the "other side" of a story you are telling in piecemeal!

[dilkaraja]

I don't think this post is worth sharing all that info. If you want to think that i am saying this because, there is no story on the other side, please feel free. On the other hand, you have to understand the culture/ethnicity that we come from to understand the problems. mine is a culture where you are not supposed to marry someone who is from a different culture. But, my brother goes and marries someone from a different culture. We didn't know about this until my marriage was over. After my marriage, everyone including me found out that my brother got married to some one different from our culture. So, my wife and her parents now come and complain that i cheated her by not telling them about my brother's marriage to someone from different culture. So we have an argument, fierce and and voila... beating. One another episode, ours is a culture where we still support our parents after our marriage. Me and my wife have worked out and agreed that i would be sending $200 every month as support to my parents. In February i couldn't send them, because of some money problems, and so i sent them $300 in March, next month instead of the regular $200. She knew why i couldn't send it too. In march, she then insists i did not tell her about this $300. I share my passwords to my bank account with my wife, so she can check where i am spending. This is only to develop a trust, not that i spend on unforseen items. We have a plan of buying a house for future, so i wanted her to see that savings grow and keep her happy. I also give her $200/month as allowance which she can spend entirely on her own and she doesn't need to tell me what she did with it. This is in addition to other items that i spend for her like her clothers etc. BTW, don't take this part as a complain from me that i give spend money on her. I would be the happiest person to see her in best of clothes, best of entertainment, her happiness is my happiness. So regarding this $300, she makes a big deal saying that i always cared for my parents and not about her and i was really hurt. She brings up the whole marriage thing and things to a boiling point where i end up doing beating her. So i talked to my dad about this problem that i was having, so he gave me an idea to leave the house when i felt like i was about to hit her. So the next time things happened again, i left the house so as to save me and herself from facing the worst thing of beating. But she misunderstands that to me leaving her, and she calls some friends of her sister whom we have never met. So, when i come back, 2 guys come at midnight and pick her up. I don't even know who they are if they have a family. I then ask her not to leave like that, it doesn't look good leaving with some strangers, she insists on leaving and leaves me. WHen i tell this episode to her, she in turn alleges me saying that i was the one, who threw her outside the house, when i was not even in the house!!! Well i have more like this... but i am here in this thread, only for a dialogue. so please don't mis-understand me and see if we can have a dialogue rather than bantering each other!...
BTW, i value your ideas.....

[London]

Thursday, August 4, 2005
Wife wanted to cuddle; hubby wanted to watch sports


Associated Press

PANAMA CITY, Fla. -- A man who got angry with his wife because she wanted to cuddle after sex when what he really wanted to do was watch sports on television was sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer.

Christopher Offord, 30, was sentenced Wednesday by Circuit Judge Dedee Costello, who said the brutality of the crime outweighed any mental problems Offord may have had.

"The defendant struck his wife approximately 70 individual blows after spending a happy interlude with her," the judge said. "Her desire to cuddle after sex does not justify the extremely violent, brutal response of the defendant."

Offord pleaded guilty to first-degree murder in the 2004 slaying of Dana Noser, 40, at his apartment.

He confessed to a bartender at a sports bar before his arrest. He told investigators that his wife had been nagging him to come back to bed.

Offord did not speak in court but said in a jailhouse interview in June: "I figured I killed her so I deserve to die."

[Ashamed]

K..hold your horses everybody..just for a second!

Dil, I know a little about your cultural position. Just accept that it is not the culture in the UK to go beating your partner as a "right". Further, you have to allow for cultural differences on this forum. We all have to be a little tolerant.

With regards to your situation, sounds like your wife is not accepting your "old" ways anymore. That often happens when, especially, women who are under "oppressed" cultures come to the UK and see what freedom they really could have.

I'm saying this as a man to you..just becasue your culture allows you to beat your wife, do all husbands beat their wives in your culture? No, I know many kind hearted people in your culture who would NEVER beat anybody, let alone their wives.

By the way, now that you are in England, she is not your possession anymore. If you carry on the way you do, you are going to find out how many rights she really has, regardless of your culture. If I were you, I'd change my way of thinking very quickly and go and love your wife back very quickly.

Sounds like she is not going to put up with any of your traditional, male habits. If you're lucky, she will return of her own free will. If you chase her away again, by the manner in which you treat her, then I think you must say goodbye to your marriage forever.

This is what I don't get. You have to respect and accept the culture you choose to live in. This is a natural law. Why do so many foreigners find it so hard to make the mental transition and try and get the mainstream culture to adapt to their own?

It is your culture, your identity - deal with it. When in the UK, submit to the laws in the UK. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. If you don't want to, that is your choice, but the Romans won't be too happy with you after a while. Get with the program mate!

I can talk, seeing as I am also from a non-British culture. I just happen to understand the Rome thingy.

Now, seems you have work to do Dil. Get on with it then!

[cutie_pie]

you must be a cancer Zodiac sign

[Valerie]

London,

You need help. You can't force someone to do as you do, nor forgive and FORGET. I am sorry doesn't always work. You may need to work on yourself. Afterall, actions do speak louder thatn words, in the sense that you need to prove yourself. Trust is earned not given. And it should be welcomed, for you to prove your point. Violence is traumatic, for you and her. It sets bad examples of people do bad things in this world. Find something else you can do together to show her you are a different person. Do things for others, volunteer in programs for the abused, addicted, or tramatice events like hurricane Katrina. Give her reason to see a new you and find yourself first.