Lost

[Rouen63]

I wonder if anyone can help me.
I'm at the end of the line as far as help goes.
I was married 3/03. In July of that year I was depressed and went to a doctor.
They told me I was bi-polar and started treating me with all kinds of pills.
I believed them and kept taking them, and eventually more.
Little by little, I was losing myself. I became obsessed with working out and
was anorexic. I was verbally abusive and and hurtful and mean to my husband.
I totally pulled away from our relationship which had been wonderful before this.
I never left the house anymore and refused to do anything with him.
I started sleeping on the couch as well.
Finally 7/04 he had enough and asked for a divorce.
I tried to take my life. I ended up in a mental ward of a hospital weighing in at 79 pounds. I'm 5'3". I looked and felt like hell.
After being treated, the doctors told me that I was not bi-polar and didn't need any medication. I had a psychotic reaction to anti-psychotic medication. I have not memory of any of this and my husband refuses to forgive me. He's very angry and can't believe that I don't remember all the bad that happened. My doctors have even volunteered to talk with him about it, but he won't. He's hurting horribly but won't let me in to help. We've been seperated since I left the hospital last July. We tried counseling, he didn't like it. I don't know what more to do. He served me notice that he wanted a divorce last August but has yet to act on it. He's very angry and very, very unhappy. He refuses to talk about it and won't do anything to help himself. He tells me he still loves me, but he's afraid. I understand his emotions, but I also understand that talking about it would only help. I don't know what to do anymore or where to turn to. Any help or suggestions?? Sorry this was so long winded. Thank you.

[Delicious Walnuts]

Dear Rouen:

Have you tried writing letters? Sometimes this helps you say what you want to say better, and lets the other person read what you say when he/she feels ready.

From what you've written, it seems like both of you are still attached emotionally. He doesn't seem to know yet what he wants, though. All you can do is be there for him. Let him know (more than once) that if he ever decides to open up and give it another chance, you'll be there. Meanwhile, pursue your life and make sure you are on your feet, and you may start to feel more empowered, and even see new ways to a better future. Since he is afraid of letting himself be hurt again, you have to show him (and yourself) that you are not who you were for that period of time.

You cannot control whether he comes back to you. But if you do what's right for your situation, either way you'll be better off - and it is more likely that he will begin to open up to you again once he sees your strength.

I wish you luck in your situation. I have also deeply wronged my spouse repeatedly, and I will post details in another thread.

[helenrw200]

Hi Rouen, I think this pretty sound advice. Writing things down not only gives your H time to read what you have to say when he's ready, but also gives him the time to digest what you have to say, without him having the extra stress of trying to think of a reply. In effect it gives him the what's , why's and wherefore's that he needs in order to decide what it is he wants to do.

Although there was an explanation for your behaviour, and you truthfully can't remember much of what went on, the outcome was that your H lost trust in you, not your fault , and maybe now needs time to build it up again. As walnuts says, you can't control what he does, but if you concentrate on being happy for yourself, and confident, he may see this and learn to trust again. If not then at least you will have the confidence to move forward with your own life.

Regards,

Helen