Am I paranoid?/Wife has secret male friend

[anonym]

Married for 9 years.
Wife always complained she does not have any male friends b'cos I am jealous.

Last year had big row when I found out she was writing Valentines card to a male collegue.But she said it was only a joke so I agreed she is an individual and should enjoy her life by having Male friends as long as she did not hide it from me.

It was fine until last week when she was behaving differently, would not come close to me, trying to close her eyes all the time on sofa and hiding her face in her hand, I could her smiling behind her hands so obvious. When I told her my concern she snapped at me for being paranoid.Then when I checked her mobile I noticed this guy called 'Ken' has been calling her on luchtimes and just after 5 pm.

I feel devastated that she is up to her old gme again for hiding.I feel used, but I love her too much.I do not want to tell her of the mobile calls, coz she will just delete the track and carry on. I feel like leaving her , but i love her too much.Shall I just think its all innocent and am paranoid.
I do not want to be with a person who keps hurting me, but I cant bear to think to live without her.
Any suggestion will b appreciated.Thanks

[Springheeled Jack]

Do, yourselve a favour and take stock of what you are doing. If youve read my posts then you will know Im in the same position as you are.

It is easy to be paranoid, I know, believe me. Jumping at shadows is the easiest thing to do in these cases. If you confront her, you'll get a denial. So you really need to be sure of what you are doing .

Have a look on this website there is a bit that lists clues of affair. But it is only a guideline, so be careful. anonym.


Ask your self if you are being paranoid, if you really know you are not. then you really need to be sure of your self as you dont want to make yourself out to be a paranoid idiot to her. Try Backing of and looking at the bigger picture. Act all paranoid and you'll push her away.

Im not being personal, is your love life suffering? Doest she flinch when you go near her, does she snap at you for any unknown reason, does she dress differently? Does she want you to dress differently?

Read my posts and see if there is a similarity to your situation.

Jealousy is a bad bad thing in a marriage because it can take over your life and tear apart the marriage.

Just keep your eyes and your ears open.

Jack

[Springheeled Jack]

Ps

Try not to get "obesssive" about it. Try not to let it take over you. Is there something that you are doing to turn your wife away? Are you to blame for the situation. Anonym Im really not being funny with you, beive me. these are the questions Ive ask myself, and Ive had to answer them.

Dont leave her, let her leave you. At teh end of the day youve tried. The last ditch effort in this case is have a Kamikazi conversation, where you will know the answer already. Ask your wife straight out if she is having an affair. You need to know other wise you will drive your self barmy.

Once and for all you will need to ask her. But only do it if you feel confortable and the time is right. If Yes, then at least you can deal with it.

Jack

[anonym]

Thanks Jack,
Its comforting to get your advice. As a matter of fact our love life is suffering.Although she has been satisfying me she has not let me satisfy her. I have tried to talk about our love life and asked my wife if I am doing anything wrong and asked for any suggestion so that I can make her happier. She did mention I should give her more attention and not to take any close contact as a suggestion for sex.

I did agree to that and I dont even make any move just in case she might think am making sexual advance.Am sure for the last four month she has been doing it as she has to do it and not she wants to do it.So I will do my best to show her lots of affection and let her decide when she wants to make love, and am keeping a tab.

I do not have any more evidence what sort of relationship my wife is having with this secret friend, it could be just an innocent thing am going mad about, cant ask my wife if she is having an affair, coz i have previously and the answer is 'with whom?'

She says she loves me very much.I have even sent hints like 'If you dont feel happy with me we might as well live separately, to which she cried and said she loved me and cannot live without me.

To add more complication to the situation my wife has been suffering from depression , she has just come off her medication, I would not do anything (confrontation) to upset her.

I am feel strong most of the time, but then comes those moments when you think what on earth this man is calling her for after 5 pm or at lunch times.

[Springheeled Jack]

We are in the same boat, my friend. I feel your pain as Im going throughit my self.

You have to be strong. What your wife said to you is almost word for word what mine said to me.

Stand back and take stok of what is happening. It is strange for the guy to call your wife after 5pm. That I must admit.

I said to my wife "If you dont love me, or see me the way you used to, please open your mouth and tell me". Ive yet to hear a response.

They might come a time where you will have to have a "once and for all" conversation with your wife. I did with mine.
I did agree to that and I dont even make any move just in case she might think am making sexual advance.Am sure for the last four month she has been doing it as she has to do it and not she wants to do it.So I will do my best to show her lots of affection and let her decide when she wants to make love, and am keeping a tab."

Make sure she doesnt know you are keeping a tab. If you initiate making love then it is tiresome if you have to do it time after time. So stand back and see if hshe doea. It gets frustrating that I can tell you.

It is for your own piece of mind and nothing else. I agreed with what you said with what you said. Others may disagree, however.

Be strong, anonym. Im right there with you.

Jack

[anonym]

The calls received were not that many actually-
3 times on lunch + 1 missed call
once after 5 pm

Wife made only one call at 5.10 pm on 30 July my B'day eve I know she was busy buying presents may be she wanted a company... I dont know...

These calls were only in June.None since 30th. Moreover I would not think she will be daft enough to keep his number and name as a contact on her mobile if she was hiding anything....

I just have to be strong as you said.Thanks a lot I will update you more. There are other issus in our marriage but they are stand alone issues which are being delt with.

Thanks a lot again Jack, I feel a heavy weight off my chest.

[Springheeled Jack]

Good, try to keep things in perspective.

PS,
Have you tried to re romance your wife? Flowers, Chocolates, romantic nights, evenings where you don’t push” to make love, rather let it happen naturally? If she thinks that you are going to expect that then it may scare her off and she’ll “freeze”. That you don’t want. Even by just holding her
and that’s tha,t no matter how frustrated you are. Don’t always expect any move to always lead to making love (I think I should be taking my own advice here..)
Im learning to. For me Saturday I initiated lovemaking again after a “2 month” lapse. Last time I initiated lovemaking, as well as thins time. For two months I waited and waited for her to start something. Sadly no. It wasn’t for the want of trying however. Im not the sort of guy to “force my attentions” so to speak, that isnt the answer. I would much rather wait. Wait I did for two months. In allthat time, I did cuddle her at night but that was that. I got so frustrated but I knew if I did anything then she would respond out of “obligation”, I didn’t want that and niether to you. It means a lot
More if she “wants” to. It means nothing if she is “obligated” to.
How often do you tell you wife that you love her. How do you show it? Im not being nosey or anything, Im trying to help you as well as my self. I do by text, whgen she is least expecting it, Or when she emails me from work.
If there is anything that I did that could help , You, you only have to ask anonym. It does help soemtimes knowing that there is somebody else going through what you are.. It isnt easy at the best of times seeing someone you love react so strangely to you.
The most improtant thing I think is to be honest and open with your wife. Don’t hide anything, I told my wife everything on Saturday, how I felt, everything. Im not sure if she listened to what I was saying mind you, I guess it will be prevalent over time,
Be strong.
Jack

[Helen]

I said to my wife "If you dont love me, or see me the way you used to, please open your mouth and tell me". Ive yet to hear a response. I have a feeling she will never open her mouth and tell you because I suspect she does love you. Your wife may well be wondering why you are asking her such questions. If she seems surprised or amazed, that's because she probably is. I don't know what is going on with your wife but as I woman, I have male friends - both inside and outside of work. They email and text me all the time - and nothing is going on between me and any of them.

Take care not to drive your wife into the arms of another man by questioning her committment to you too much. You do it too much, she will start questioning it too.

[jools]

Dear anonym,
I agree with Helen. I too have male (work) friends who I keep in touch with thro text but I don't hide these texts or my phone because my husband is perfectly ok with this. I couldn't stand it if he was the jealous or suspicious type! I've always thought like this..."Give me an inch and I'll take a mile - but if you give me the mile I probably won't even want the inch." Anyway, if the poor girl is suffering with depression it's no wonder that she doesn't want sex. 80% of people suffering from depression lose their sex drives (according to the depression web sites) and the last thing she'll need is pressure from you.

Stop looking and checking. Chill out and just focus on being good company for her. As Helen said, it does sound as though she really loves you but your behaviour could put that at risk. Try to be more accepting of the fact that it is OK to have male friends and that they might want to contact her and that way there should be no secrets between you. If she wants to have an affair she will anyway...but its far more likely if you can't learn to trust.
Love Jools. X
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