need someone to talk to !

[jeannie]

Feeling very lonely, hurt and not sure what to think or feel anymore. My husband does not even seem to want tot talk to me at the moment. I have very little self esteem and want to move one but how !. I have tried everything to sort out in my head what is happening but it just gets worse. Yes he is under some stress at work, but he can seem to talk to anyone else ( at length sometimes on the phone to colleagues but ignores me!) I still do eveything for him at home and try to please him with his favourite meals, sort out finances etc but I just feel I am being taken for granted. This is not new to me as everyone in my life makes me feel like that, from My Mother downwards. I seem to feel I am spending my time trying to make everyone else happy to notice me but it does not work. I have tried making my point and getting him to talk to me, but his last remark was '! don't go there!' I do go out occasionally and treat myself, but it is lonely walking around on your own and no-one to talk to at the end of the day. I feel this is how it is going to be eventually when I am on my own. I think I do still love him, I certainly miss the intimate side of our marriage but I don't know what to do.

[Springheeled Jack]

My dear dont give up. I know its easy to. Im in your position but on the opposite side. My wife is treating me the same way. So much so I penned this song..
N E G L E C T by Me

N....E.. G…. L….E.. C.. T
That’s what your doing to me,
I just don’t know why you cant see,
That what your doing to meeee.
You go out til the early hours,
That’s was your doing without me,
Our time together is now just yours,
That’s what your doing to me.
N....E.. G…. L….E…. C.. T
That’s what your doing to me,
I just don’t know what you cant see,
That’s what your doing to meeee.
You used to hug me oh so tight,
You used to do that to me,
You used to be with me at night,
You used to do that with meeee.
N....E.. G…. L….E…. C.. T
That’s what your doing to me,
I just don’t know what you cant see,
Thats what your doing to meeee.
Your love with me you used to share,
You used to do that with me,
Now I don’t think you even care,
That’s what your doing to me.
N....E.. G…. L….E…. C... T
That’s what your doing to me,
I just don’t know what you cant see,
Thats what your doing to meeee.
Now you don’t care that you’re not near,
That’s what your doing to me,
It matters not I shed a tear,
That’s what youre doing to me.
N....E.. G…. L….E…. C.. T
That’s what your doing to me,
I just don’t know what you cant see,
Thats what your doing to meeee.
Your love for me you used to show,
Now you don’t do that with me,
There just one word that you should know,
N....E.. G…. L….E…. C… T

I find comfirt in putting it that way.


You are not on your own Jeannie. My heart goes out to you mdear. If only your H knows what he is doing to you, and how he is making you suffer. Sweetheart dont ever give up hope, you are worth better that the treatment you are being given.

Be strong.

Jack

[jellybelly]

Jeannie, you are living my life. I thought maybe I wrote that post! I know exactly what you are going through. A perfect example would have been last night. My H went golfing with business collegues and then for supper. When he got home i was cooking for our two kids.He didn't lift a finger to help, just sat on his lazy boy.(why should he hlep he already ate!) After supper we went for a swim and when we got out of the pool it was time to bath my daughter and get her brother ready for bed and her too. I got the supper dishes cleaned up while the tub was filling and started the dishes in the sink. Got my daughter in the tub and my son began getting ready for bed. My H during all of this is out side, when he finally comes in he makes himself a drink, turns on the tv and sits on the couch! I was soooooo p'd off at him, talk about feeling used. Then when I get up this morning to go my walk before getting ready for work, He had the nerve to ask me to take out the recycling bin to the curb! while he stayed in bed!
This is an everyday occurance for me. I work a full time job out of my home city, and am still expected to maintain a household the way our mothers did in the 50's. It is killing me and he doesn't get it. All he can say is " what's your problem" whenever I am moody. I have tried asking for help but at some point it becomes very tiresome having to ask for help all the time. He doesn't participate enough in the household activities to know what's going on, so he never knows where anything is or where anything goes. His 'reasoning' is that he is too busy at work and has too much on his mind to focus on other stuff. Oh, but I'm supposed to be able to handle it. That's enought rambling, you get the picture.
Good luck Jeannie, I feel your pain!

[helenrw200]

Jeannie

I sympathise, my partner is not one for talking, about anything really , actually that's not quite true , he can waffle on for hours about inconsequential things, but is incapable of talking about anything emotional . he never used to be this way, it's a fairly recent thing.

Maybe you're trying too hard to please him ? ( and everyone else ? ). What's stopping you from getting a life of your own , outside of the marriage ? Make some friends, join a club, get a hobby, stop worrying about being interesting to other people and work on building your own self esteem and worth. That's what I'm trying to do having been in a similar situation. Life should never be about always pleasing other people, find out what pleases you, and once you have some self confidence you will find other people value you and your opinion more.

Good luck

Helen

[jeannie]

many thanx for replying, I am so low I was sure no-one would. Once again I came home from work and rushed to get tea and he has just breezed in and sarcastically said hello. When I tried to expand the conversation I was told he did not want another row and went off upstairs. Oh dear, it looks like another quiet night ! Will try tomorrow night to have a MY NIGHT! he is going out (not asking where) and I have a bottle of Pimms ready and a load of pampering goodies to try out.

I did love the poem it is exactly how I feel and if only I knew why he was treating me like this I could deal with it.

[helenrw200]

Jeannie, sadly the main reason he is treating you this way is because you are allowing him to , I know it's hard I know to stand up for yourself but until you can he will continue to act out this way.

I'm glad you are going to have a " spoil yourself rotten " night, but think how much better it would feel to find someone ( I mean a friend ) to share it with ?

Anytime you want to talk, post ! Someone will always listen, I guarantee it !

Helen

[London]

Jeannie - not only is helenrw right, but in addition, I may add that you need to start enjoying your life and living it as an INDEPENDENT woman - whether or not he is in the picture. One of the reasons why he takes you for granted is bc deep down he thinks/feels 'Where will she go? If I ignore her' - If you show that you don't take yourself for granted and stand up for yourself BY DOING YOUR OWN THING, then others will start treating you as an independent person....

[jeannie]

Just spent the last half hour reading others letters and realised I am not alone. I felt like I was on the outside watching other happy couples talking, laughing, discussing, planning etc. Even watching a couple on the TV choosing a sofa together upset me!. But thanks to the support I got here makes me so pleased I found this web site.

Things have not improved here except my attitude, it was dragging me down constantly asking questions as to why I was being treated like this and getting no answers. I can only relate it to like being on a diet and constantly thinking of food. But I know now I must stop it and get on with my life and start thinking of myself. If he doesn't want to talk to me and go out with me i will do it alone and hopefully find someone who will. He has the problem - and perhaps if he found this site he would see this ( but no chance there as he is not computer minded and cannot see a problem). You are all right I must stop thinking of ways to please him all the time to get him to notice me.

[London]

Good post jeannie..... keep up your spirits!

[jeannie]

well I did try, day started off well. Work with a great mate and we had a good laugh all day and finished it with a bottle of wine. Came home and he has gone out with a few sarcastic remarks that really hurt. On my 3rd glass of Pimms and regained the smile on my face. Still another day tomorrow and he is not going to see how much I am hurting !

[helenrw200]

jeannie, I had a pretty horrendous day and understand your sentiment of needing someone to talk to, I am loathe to talk to any of my family about what has happened and am now realising how lonely one can be when in a relationship.

Helen

[tenguella]

Hang in there. I know how this feel. I am in the same boat as you. Just try an enjoy the few things you are blessed with and learn to be happy WITH or WITHOUT him.. and if you must stick around.. at least you will have (hopefully) something that can make you happy and offset the bad things you are experiencing on a daily basis. Praying for the strength to accept and adapt to the things in life you have little or no control of also helps.

Cheer up!