advice needed

[darkglowspirit]

My husband believes that life shouldn't change in the least after marriage. And he felt this way before we got married. I didn't know this until recently and now understand why we have so many arguments. I don't think its appropriate for him to go out with girls (who are his friends, but whom I have never met) without me. I don't feel comfortable with this. Right now our life together isn't really "together". We are both living with our parents in different cities about 1 1/2 hours away and I'm 9 months pregnant. And so this makes it even more difficult. We haven't been married that long and I don't know how to make things work. I am not ok with him going out with his female friends and he feels he should still be able to do all the things he did when he was still single. If anyone has advice please help.

[Valerie]

That doesn't sound cool at all. The fact that he would even dare seems inconsiderate enough. If you are living apart and can adjust to life without him I would give myself a better chance. This is a habit that can cost you lots of tears. Marriage is about more than that. I know not everyone would agree of giving up and leaving your husband, but come on. It's obvious he's not dedicated enough. If he's bored and has spare time to go out with other females then he should pick up a second job and plan for this new baby. I'm sorry to hear this is a horrible start for a new marriage and family. These are supposed to be beautiful times and I sure you become raged at times.

[Delicious Walnuts]

I am a married man who has learned more in the past year and a half of marriage than the rest of my life before that.

How much does he show you that he loves you? Does he listen to you? Is he attentive about your needs and desires?

If he is generally caring, it's time for an honest talk. He needs to know in no uncertain terms that, whatever is in his head about the situation, the reality is that you feel abandoned. You are married and about to be parents - this is not small beer! Once you have a kid, you no longer have worry-free days. You have the right to ask him point blank - is he going to be there and support you or not? (supporting you = getting that second job, not going out without you, etc.) Don't think you don't deserve an answer to that question, either. You both deserve an answer, for the sake of each other and your child. The best love is sometimes tough love.

No - being married is not the same as being single, even going steady. It is a partnership and a commitment - and this is without kids involved. If you feel that this marriage is something worth pursuing, you have a right to pursue it, which means: you have a right to ask uncomfortable questions, like "are you really ready to be married?" "do you realize that being married means that we need to sacrifice for each other so we can work together?" "are you ready to be a father?" And you have a right to insist on answers. As long as you feel inside that you want this marriage, you can put that desire toward hacking away at the lazy cobwebs forming on his end. Hopefully, he'll get the message and respond, because even the most angelic among us get to a breaking point where love alone just doesn't cut it and we move on.

If he really values you, he will make sincere attempts to listen and engage you even if he doesn't always agree with you or make you feel good with what he feels on his end. Good luck!

[helenrw200]

Assuming here that you are not living apart by choice ? No, it isn't ok for your H to live a single life now he is married . IMO marriage is about commitment , respect and as this site says 2 into 1. Having fun nights out with single female friends you don't even know , whilst you stay home 1 and a half hours away and heavily pregnant is not fair and is also asking for trouble . I am a great advocate of married couples retaining independence to some degree and certainly don't think marriage has to consist of 24 hour togetherness to be happy but this that your H is doing is an extreme. Once married life does change, it has to, you no longer can consider just number one, you have to have respect for your W/ H's welfare and opinions.

You are obviously uncomfortable with his going out with single female friends, that alone should be reason for him not to do it, it isn't an unreasonable request given that you have no idea what or who they are never having met them. I wonder how he would react should the boot be on the other foot ? Would he still then advocate this freedom ? I doubt it.

AS walnut says, if he loves you he will respect your feelings, if not then you really might have to consider whether he is ever going to be a " married man ". In your present circumstances that will be hard, but it is do-able with lots of support from friends and family, which you seem to have .

Age may have something to do with it , if you are both fairly young ? In this instance he may well grow into marriage. Did you marry because of your pregnancy ? f so he may be rebelling and trying to tell you he isn't ready for fatherhood ? A bit late for that now ! but nevertheless young men , indeed any man can feel this way and I should imagine some women, tho for us it isn't quite so easy to walk away !

I think a few fundamental quetsions need to be asked.... and answered before you come anywhere near to solving this problem.

Keep in touch and take good care of yourself, you are vulnerable right now , but you won't always be pregnant and try to deal with one thing at a time, for now concentrate on being well, and try not to get too stressed.

Helen