A contentious issue (need help)

[Scorpiuscat]

My wife and I have been married for seven years (come August 22nd); we have two children, one that she has from another marriage and one that we produced.



We get along very well for the most part; I think we have a very strong and happy marriage.



But there is one issue that keeps rising up and it’s causing problems between us.



The issue as she states it is that I don’t express my feelings for her very well and that I don’t compliment her on her looks enough.



Now keep in mind that my wife is an extremely emotional person who has what I would call moderate to high self esteem problems stemming from her childhood and I am not an emotional person. I fact I am a very black & white thinker (logical thinker) and I am pretty well set self esteem wise.



It’s very true that I am not that great at expressing my feelings, in fact, it’s one of the greatest challenges I have in life I am finding. I really don’t know why this is other than the fact that my Father was the exact same way, but only worse.



I am trying very hard to clue her in on my feelings and to fulfill her need for constant reinforcement about my love for her and her looks. But I seem to fail a lot of the time and miss some prime opportunities to score direct points by telling her that she looks great in this or that picture, set of clothes, etc.



It just does not seem to occur to me to say something even when on some level in my mind that is what I am thinking.



Now, I have made great strides in this department since we got married seven years ago, but it’s clearly not enough for her, nor does it seem to be happening fast enough for her.



I am beginning to think that I may unable to satisfy her thirst for this type of reinforcement and she has even stated as such.



It scares me; it scares me that we have this great marriage that could be jeopardized by this single issue.



What can I do?

P.S. Keep in mind that this is the "Readers Digest" version of this problem, but I did not want to post a giant marathon post. So I tried to get to the point in as few words as possible,feel free to ask for any details.

[roppelt]

bring her flowers once a week different day's of course and tell her how good she looks...OFTEN... it's not hard and will get eaiser if you do it all the time. You have to feed the tiger if you want to pet it :-) if you think it's hard put yourself in her shoes, My husbnd dosent look at me or love me...look at what you do when you come home. do you kiss her , tell you love her, tell her you want to make love to her...or do you go to the computer or TV when you walk in the door. Look at her first and think about what you will be missing when she's gone. oh and look her in the eyes when you tell her theses things.
Robert

[Valerie]

Well it seems that the Readers Digest of this story is serious enough for you to want to make an effort and seek some advice. I hope its safe for me to assume your under some pressure here. Coming from a ladies' standpoint, it is important for me to feel attractive especially to the one I love. Being unemotionally expressive is not a good enough excuse and doesn't do much for my esteem. I guess I would feel hurt if my loved one wouldn't look at me, or charm me, or even have an expression on his face that tells me he likes what he sees sometimes. I do things all of the time to charm my boyfriend, new perfume, new makeup, color my hair, different styles. I like the compliments from others, but I really like them from him. Otherwise, where's the excitement in our life and I guess it has a lot to do with sexuality.

I am hoping that expressing myself from a womans perspective you can place yourself in some of her thoughts and make your move. It's time to look at what you have and address her needs. After all, she is your wife, she needs to know your still impressed by her looks.

[Anon SB]

This issue sounds very similiar to my situation,

Me & my wife have been married for 10 years, although i believed i always gave my wife the attention & loving she wanted in the last 6 months i have found out that there was things i could have done more.

We are still very much married and working through what has been a very stressful year see my thread "confused but still love my wife" .

You see my wife had an emotional affair with this other guy, he had said things to her and made her feel special expressed different feelings to her she said she had never felt before.

We got together from high school, & although it been a long time we still know each other intimately and still appreciate the same things in life. We have two great kids & good family & friend connections.

Although I had always thought I was loving & expressed my thoughts & feelings to her, There was times when I would say things that would annoy or hurt her or things that she would expect of me that I hadnt done.

My thoughts on this that it stems from parents upbringing but also from the star sign we are born with, Are a scorpio? as i think star signs dictate our personalities at times.

I think the best thing is try new things. look at things your spouse appreciates the little things go a long way sometimes.

My issue was to help out more at home, sharing the household chores , this worked for us because it gave us more time to spend with each other & for each other.

Listening to her concerns more appreciating her ideas & thoughts. I often would surpress her thoughts & put them down instead of reasoning.

Giving each other space when needed is important too.

The key for me was to feel good about my self . not being so moody as this can create negative feelings.

Above all be positive about yourself , and your wife will notice.

Thanks