Losing Trust

[NClady64]

Question- My husband sold a vehicle. He told me he sold it for 1500.00 While looking for another receipt in his wallet I came across 400.00more dollars that he did not have the day before. I think he sold the vehicle for 1900.00 and didnt want to say anything about the extra money. I have not told him that I know about the extra money but my trust in him has been jepordized. Now I am having trouble believing anything he says and what he paid for anything. What should I do? Thanks

[London]

Question- My husband sold a vehicle. He told me he sold it for 1500.00 While looking for another receipt in his wallet I came across 400.00more dollars that he did not have the day before. I think he sold the vehicle for 1900.00 and didnt want to say anything about the extra money. I have not told him that I know about the extra money but my trust in him has been jepordized. Now I am having trouble believing anything he says and what he paid for anything. What should I do? Thanks

What about your husband's trust in YOU? You did go "snooping" around his wallet and while you found "extra" money, how far will you go to justify your untrustworthy actions while condeming him?

[alidawn]

What would happen if he found out that you looked in his wallet? If you dont think that he is going to have a problem with that, then maybe the best thing to do is just ask him about the extra money? Did he get some of the money for the car in cash? There may be a good explaination for it. Besides, its a whole lot easier if he knows you look in his wallet before he catches you.

Alidawn

[NClady64]

Thanks for the feed back. I have thought about looking in his wallet as being a not so lady like thing to do. I just had a gut feeling that something wasnt quite right with how much he said he sold it for. And that is why I looked and sure enough there the money was. HID. Its not the fact that he kept the money but that he didnt feel like he could be honest and tell me what he really sold it for. This is the second marriage for both of us and I think he may have had money issues with his ex. Like her taking it!! I have my own money. I just cant get past him keeping it from me. Thanks again

[London]

You're missing the point - you're just as "hypocritical" and unworthy of trust as he is.

[Valerie]

I'm sorry, but I think that is harsh. I believe that everything I own can be open to my partner for viewing. For whatever the case may be. If I am caught in a lie, then I am responsible for the consequences. It is not a matter of snooping because if she did it all the time then she must feel reasons for lack of trust. However, when couples trust each other there is really no reason no snoop. That trust is earned not given. If I look through my partners things and I find something that was contradicting to what he really said than this opens doubt in my mind of what his aspects of an open relationship are. It could even be accidental to find something. I don't feel I need to tell my partner that "I am going to look through your wallet now", if I feel like it, I'll look. He had better be trustworthy. And vise versa. Now if it became a habit, then there is already a trust issue. Debbo mentioned that her hubby has money problems with his ex. What kind of money problems? Does he owe money? He may be hiding something in order to not feel less than if you manage every dollar he spends and he realizes his "I"s are not dotted and "T"s are not crossed. This would mean a sign of need and he could need support or wish for you to stay away from his financial gains until he settles this on his own. Or, he is spending his money elsewhere. I believe you ahve a right to know. It affects you directly. Forget the unlady like business. Openness and honesty and communication.

[alidawn]

I believe that it is ideal that everything you own should be open to your partner for viewing, but both partners in a relationship dont always agree on it.

Personally I think that it should be mentioned that you want to look so that he doesnt get upset when he finds out you have. Isnt it better to be open about it, rather than to feed the mistrust by being caught out?

[NClady64]

In regards to being hypocritical, that is not correct. That would mean I did not want him to go thru my wallet or purse. he can go thru anything I have as I have nothing to hide. I am probably too giving of information. I tell him everything and always leave receipts etc.. on the desk. he however has a habit of not giving any information. When I ask what did you do today when he is off work he will just say I was out and about. Again it is not the issue that he had the money at all because it was his vehicle, it is the fact that he felt like he had to lie about what he sold it for. Now it makes me want to not be as forth coming with him about what I do and where I go.

[London]

In regards to being hypocritical, that is not correct. ......

Now it makes me want to not be as forth coming with him about what I do and where I go.

Again you are missing the point - the "hypocrisy" is not about whether or not he can go through your stuff as you are doing with his - its about you saying he's untrustworthy while you perform "un-trusting" actions yourself (ie snooping). Being free to go through each other's stuff is an open act of honesty - doing it behind someone's back is not an honest act - as you yourself admitted thru your words.

You are being a hypocrite bc you insist he's the only one who has done something wrong by not telling you about the extra cash yet you feel justified in going through his stuff behind his back. At least in his defense, he did not go through snooping through your stuff, he didn't violate your personal by privacy not telling you about the extra cash. You did. Which is the bigger act of distrustful acts?

[NClady64]

London-Thanks again for your insight. I understand what you are saying. I find that when I have a gut feeling about something, 9 out of 10 times I am correct. Maybe I should let those feeling go,but most of the time I cant. Thanks again for everyones advice. Have a great day.