Distressed

[Brock]

Since we were dating, my wife has not been fond of my family. It started as small negative remarks towards them, and has now become extremely troubling. She does not want me to have any form of correspondance with them at all. She is consistantly derrogative towards them, and i have only physically seen them once in 4 years. I previously had a very close relationship with my family, and it has began to bother me significantly that I no longer am able to. Also, prior to my marriage, I was a very outgoing and social person. I loved to be outside doing physical things....Since my marriage, my wife does not enjoy people or the outdoors at all. I have tried to get her involved in all sorts of things with little to no luck. We have a nice home and nice things, and noone to share them with. She deters me from establishing any sort of friendships with my coworkers or anyone else. I feel secluded and trapped, and am unsure of what to do. The issues are much more abundant and in-depth than I have mentioned, but lack the energy to continue!

[Debbo]

Brock,

You sound as if you are getting very depressed and need something to do outside your home.

You deserve to be happy too. You might want to sit your wife down and talk this out with her, being open and honest with her about how you are feeling.

If she doesnt respond with any sense of understanding, try going somewhere by yourself and let her know that you need some kind of activity outside of your home.

She might change her mind if you start doing things without her.

It's not good to be so secluded like that. That's when depression can really get ahold of you.

As for being out of communication with your family. Sounds like that is really bothering you.

Your letting your wife control you too much. You have the right to see or talk to your family any time you want. If your wife has a problem with that, it seems like she's only thinking of herself and not how you are feeling, which is very self-centered. It's not your fault that she doesnt like them. Sounds like she has some real control issues and you two arent communicating in a way that you both understand each others feelings.

You really need to open up to her and tell her how you feel.
She might just need a little shock if you two dont talk much.
Maybe she needs to know that you do have feelings.
Dont be afraid to open up to her. She's your wife and suppose to be understanding with you.

If she doesnt respond to your talk in a positive way, you might want to take a step out into your own freedom. You can release yourself from this, without her permission.
Do something for yourself, before you get to the point where you are ready to leave her.
That would be more of a shock to her than talking with her.

Hope things work out for you.

Let me know how it's going.

Deb

[alidawn]

Hi Brock,
In regards to your wife not liking your family, I dont get on with my mother in law and have found that the best solution to this is for my hubby to see her on his own. I dont ask about her, He doesnt mention her unless it directly affects me.

It isnt a solution, but it might be a way that you can talk/see your family more often.

Have you asked her what really bothers her about them? Could it be that she feels threatened in some way?

Good Luck

Alidawn

[Brock]

Thans so much Debbo and Ali...I think you both hit it on the head. My wife does seem very controlling. I'm not sure whether she distrusts me, but it almost seems that she is afraid of me meeting someone else during my everyday ventures. I have never been unfaithful, and constantly reassure her that I do love her and that she has nothing to worry about. We bought a new sportscar (which she wanted), but she does not want me to drive it because she says women will look at me. I can hardly deal with the issues from one woman, how can I keep up with two?!?!?

At first, her problems with my family led to fighting, but after about 1-2 years, I had become exhausted and decided I no longer wanted to fight with her. Any discussions we attempt to have ultimately lead to a nasty argument or fight, which i want no part of. Our home and relationship has become cold and fruitless. In regards to seeing my family alone....impossible. In fact, when I have a bad day at work or just feel tired in general, her immeadiate response is "you must have talked to your family." She feels that my correspondance with my family will only tear us part, which is exactly the opposite of what will happen. I have discussed countless options with her, but her unwillingness to cooperate has become a major hinderance in our marriage. My parents are old and not in very good health, my brother has a brand new baby, and my sister is starting her first year at a major university. I fear that my one of my parents will pass before I am able to make ammends. I feel that I am missing being an uncle, and being able to advise younger my sister. I have always been able to focus my efforts on other things such as work or home repairs and such, but just recently all of these issues I have kept bottled up have resurfaced, causing a great deal of anguish. I know we do not have a healthy relationship and am unsure what the outcome will be.

[Debbo]

Brock,

You really need some wisdom in this situation and I will pray about this.

The only thing I can think of at this time is that you need to make some time for your parents before you lose them and end up resenting your wife for keeping you from seeing them.

It may mean arguments with her but think about the consequences so far of not being able to visit with your folks, not seeing your little sister, being the uncle you want to be.

Your wife has some real hang-ups that she needs to get over. That may be on her own if she isnt careful.

I mean, how long will you put up with it, letting her fears control you?

I understand that you must love her very much to have appeased her like you have for so long. But there does have to be a time when you two can work things out for the best of both parties.

Arguing with her over this may be the only way out.

Do you ever get your way after an argument or do you always give it over to her?

You might want to consider taking the reins as the man of the house. Sorry, no offense.
But as the woman of my house, I understand the roles of husband as head of the house and the woman is the heart of the home.

I try very hard to make my husbands decisions, (which he always discusses with me) the final word.

As husband and wife we need to enhance each other not buck against each other.

I'm sorry your wife is not supportive of you where your needs are concerned.
But maybe it's time for you to meet them for yourself.
Make up your own mind about what's important to you and go for it.
Might cause a fight in the beginning, but if you start standing up for yourself and doing what you want, she will either get used to it or not.

Tell her that you need her support and respect her opinions but you are not going to fight with her and walk away if she starts one.

Time my dear, to take back the control.

Deb

[alidawn]

Brock, I agree with Deb. You need to tell her that you need to take the time to see your family. Have you tried sitting down with her and telling her exactly what you told us about your parents health, and how you feel you are missing out on being an uncle? She could have a great time being an aunty, even if she doesnt get along with your parents.

Maybe you could try talking to her when you are both calmed down from the day and in a relaxed setting? She needs to see that you are serious in the way that you feel, and that it would mean a lot to you if she would just try to be civil.

Alidawn