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miss_katie
21st June 2005, 09:32 PM
Hi,
I'm new here. I'm not married, but hope that someone can give me some advice anyways.

I found out last week that my boyfriend had been texting another girl. They'd been sending rude text messages and picture messages to each other. I found out cos I saw one of her texts on his phone. It came as a shock because I didn't even know he'd still been in contact with her (they met online about 4 years ago and have been friends ever since, they met a few times but never got together. She is 17 now, he is 20, so am I). It hurt so badly to find out he'd been doing this behind my back. I felt crushed, devasted and couldn't believe he was doing this to me. It hurt because I trusted him and never thought he would do that to me. It hurt because when I told him I knew I asked to see all the messages, and I looked at them all, he'd even sent me the same picture message! We'd even been texting each other rude messages at the same time! Everything that I thought made me special was taken away - another girl was getting it from him too, and I felt like nothing, like I didn't even matter.

We talked it through, he couldnt explain why he did it exactly. Just said that he didn't know, it made him feel good and that he'd been stupid. He was, and still is, really sorry. I believe that he is, and I know that our relationship can work. We are good together and love each other a lot.

I really do want our relationship to work. I just feel sad about what happened. I want to trust him and forgive him, but part of me is hanging back saying "what if he does it again?", my mind is going into overdrive and I'm thinking irrational thoughts. Part of me is blaming myself and saying that I must have led him to do it, but I know I didn't.

I really need some advice on how to stop thinking the way I am. Sometimes, when I feel a bit sad, I turn everything around and have an argument with James, I turn everything into a conspiracy and think that he's going to leave. He tells me he's not and that I shouldnt think like that because I know it's wrong. I do know I'm wrong but I just can't stop thinking irrationally.

Everything seems as though it is going to be ok, except the way I'm thinking. He's doing everything that he can to show to me that I can trust him and that he is sorry. I said to him that the only way we can begin to move forward is if he stops all contact with her 100%. He swore he would do that, and I believe him.

I know our relationship can and will work if only I can stop this way of thinking. It's destroying me. Please help.

Katie xxx

Sierra
22nd June 2005, 06:57 AM
You must be kidding. If you are not even married and having all these problems and you are NOT EVEN MARRIED then what exactly do you expect people to tell you?

Let me guess.....

"Why....I think you should get married. I'm sure that once you are married he will realize he loves you and every thing will be happy eve after".

Good god.

Take steps on your own behalf and get rid of this idiot.

D

Kate
22nd June 2005, 08:26 AM
Dear Katie,

It takes time to really get to know and trust another person. I think from what you've said that you must be living with your boyfriend.

One of the problems young people have in living together in a relationship is that they may not have given time to get to know each other and really trust each other. Their reataionship may be based more on physical attraction a d emotion than on thoughtful decisions. Some people see living together as the way to "test out" whether they are "compatible". This means that they are behaving as if they are married in one sense, but there's always the opportunity to leave if things aren't going well. For some people this may mean they are still open to other relationships, and so they find themselves in situations such as yours.

You are bound to feel insecure after what has happened and the only way is to go on working out how to trust each other - why not have a look at the article here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/trust/). It may be that you have to ask your boyfriend to do certain things to reassure you for a while, like giving you access to his mobile phone to check who he's been in touch with and accounting for his time when he is away from you. In the same way you may have to keep making that decision to trust, because that's what it is at first - a decision of the will until experience tells you that he has changed.

It woudl be dishonest to say there is no danger of this happening again. What prevents it happening both within and outside marriage is a commitment by both parties to each other and whatever is best for the other, and complete opennness. if you are putting the other person first then you wan't be tempted to go off and play around with other people. That takes time to build. You are still both quite young to be making that sort of commitment. It may be that your boyfriend is not ready for that yet even if you are, but only time will tell.

All the best

Kate

Sierra
22nd June 2005, 06:14 PM
Look,

This is like finding spoiled milk in the fridge. Nobody in their right mind sniffs it and then puts it back thinking "maybe it will be fresh tomorrow".

If he treats you like this now he has told you what he thinks of you. It is not likely to magically improve.

D

miss_katie
26th June 2005, 05:56 AM
Thanks for your advice, Kate. I agree with what you say.

Me and James have talked a lot more and things are looking a lot better than before. I feel as though I can begin to trust him now and in my head I've kinda 'moved on' from what's happened. At first I was worked up and blaming myself, but talking through it with James and other people has helped me a lot.

Thanks again for your advice, it's a nice feeling to know that someone is out there, someone who is nice enough to help people they dont even know. I really appreciate it. A lot.

Katie xxx

ESSMAN
11th July 2005, 12:22 PM
I have noted that Sierra is very cynical but I have to agree with him on this one, Katie. I am sorry because I would love to be the bearer or comforting tidings, but as a bloke I have to agree with Sierra. I also note that you are both 20. That is awfully young to be so serious about someone and something. If I were your age I would enjoy my youth and not devote too much energy to this relationship. You've got a lot of living to do. Don't waste it on someone who is obviously inherently untrustworthy.