Survive an affair

[Philzeee]

Help me, I have been married for 13 years, and my wife had an affair from october to june. It has now finished, I have seen the text to prove it. We want to work it out but she says she has lost her sexual feelings for me. I still love her madly and have forgiven her. Am I mad to forgive her and what can we do to work it out. I cant sleep, have lost one stone in weight. We plan to go on holiday soon and to sell our house to start again. What are the chances of a recovery.

[Kate]

Dear Philzee

I'm sorry to here the effect all this has had on you. Finding out about an affair can be a huge shock and extremely painful.



You ask what hope there is - If you are both committed to making things work then there is a lot of hope, but it won't be easy and it does involve a risk. You don’t want to get hurt again or to be fooled by anything, which is understandable.



It may take time, but you will both need to try and understand how this happened to you. Are there issues in your relationship that need addressing, which led to your wife being tempted to look elsewhere.



There are some excellent articles and resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) on the site, which look at why affairs occur, the typical ways people react to them and what can help to rebuild trust and communication.



There are no guarantees in any marriage, but where two people are determined to find a way forward, then there is always hope.

All the best

Kate

[Springheeled Jack]

Im in a similar situation now. If youve read my previous posts then youll know the story.

With you you said your wife hadt the affair, and its over. With me I suspect now that my wife IS having an affair. Cant prove it however. The signs and syptoms are there, but perhaps Im in denile.

I am now in the situation where what would I do IF my suspicions are true. What did you do when you found out? However if both parties know that the affair was wrong, AND can identify what went wrong in the marriage, andf BOTH cowrk at it, then I suppose a marriage can survive the affair.

Stick at it my friend and dont give up.

Jack

[Philzeee]

Thanks for the replys it is such a help to have someone there to talk to so thanks again for replying. When I found out I went all numb, ran out of the room fell on the bed shouted and cried, asking myself why. My reaction was to find any thing in house to do with the other person. So I searched the whole house and found birthday card and a valentine card which I destroyed. Found a few presents which I chucked, deleted all the messages and his photo from her phone. This upset her as she lost all memories. I got his number and text him telling him to never come near her again. I turned to drinking vodka for breakfast for a few days. This made ther feeling worse. I then just had a break down. Sat on my dads grave for a few hours sobbing. Its only been a wek and a half but I have very bad moments every day where I cant cope. We have arranged to se a counciler within the next week. As I still cant sleep or eat much. I cant lose my love of my life it would kill me.

[Philzeee]

Things are improving, but I still feel unwanted and not loved. We are going to counciling tonight which is worrying me a lot. I am panicing on what will happen. Has any one been to councilling if so is it as bad as I think it will be. What is involved. I have been told I will feel very down afterwards, is that so.

[Springheeled Jack]

Philzee, I hope things work out for you. Go to counselling dont give up.

My W refuses and thinks it is all me. Im going to counselling on my own. Dont worry about it, it is just "talking". Explain everything, Explain why you are hurt. Dont hide any thing, it wont be beneficial to you. Let it all hang out.

Dont see this throught he bottom of a glass. That is the easy way out. With me, I go to church and pray. It is all I can do. Getting drunk proves nothing as the problem is there where you sober up.

How did you suspect that your W was having an affair? What gave her away? I dont want to look for the wrong things here. What was the one thing that proved that she was?

With me I need concrete proof before I say anything, and then I have deal with it when I find that she is seeing someone else. The signs are there, I just for my own sake need to know which ones to follow.

I just want to numb the shock and pain that Im going to feel if my suspicions are true. Which I suspect that they are.

Keep strong my friend.

SHJ

[Philzeee]

She was getting very distant with me, then she was always on her mobile phone in secret then she accidently left her phone lying around and I read it. When I confronted her she admitted it all. We are both going to councilling as she agreed it was the best thing to do to work it out. She still finds it hard to look at me for some reason even though it was her who had the affair. She dont wat sex anymore which is frustrating me. But im willing to wait.

[Springheeled Jack]

Philzee. read you last sentance. Im having the same problem. The last time was 28th May.
What do I do. Im not going to force the issue, Im not that sort of bloke. Ive dropped suble hints a blind man could trip over. Im as frustrated as you are, but Im committed in to trying to rebuild our marriage. Intimacy was everything at one time with her, now Im lucky if I get a proper kiss. This is so frustrating, I know what you are going thro Philzee.

I must admit I have picked up her moblie but she has been deleting her messages as soon as she gets them.

It is like waiting on death row wating for her to tell me what I already know.

Jack

[hwman]

Philzee

I am no-one to comment on your predicament having been on the other side of the coin (see my I cant say I love her thread!)

What I do now is that there is nothing to be frightened of with counselling BUT you must be 100% honest, so must she. And you have to tell counsellor if you dont think you are making progress, thats a mistake I made, I pretended we were making progress.

Good luck I hope your wife can find what I am struglling to find for mine.

[Springheeled Jack]

Amen to that Brother...


Jack