How Do We Survive His Affair

[missmolly]

I found out my husband had been having an affair for nearly a year about 3 months ago. He left me in an hurtful way, blaming me for not showing him any love and attention and that he had found it elsewhere. I was left totally devasted and when he came back to see the children I pleaded with him to come back. He agreed, saying that the only reason he had left and that it had carried on for so long was because he knew that as soon as he had deceived me he thought i wouldnt take him back and our marriage was over so it was easier just to carry on with it. Admittedly our marriage had gone stale over the last few months before he told me but i couldnt believe it had been going on for so long without me even suspecting. It hurt me that he never gave me the chance to give him the benefit of the doubt.

My main problem now is that he tells me he loves me so much, he hates himself for wot he did to me, is doing everything in his power to make me happy and i honestly believe that he is being faithful to me. I have so many questions that i cant understand and i often bring these feelings to the surface which unevidetably ends up in a sorry situation where i am left crying and he is left on the defensive. He tries to give me as much information as he can about it, but says it doesnt help keep going over it. He says he just wants to move on from the situation and ofcourse so do i but says i am not helping my continually bringing up the subject.

I love my husband so much, more than i ever thought possible and yes to a certain extent it has made me more sure than ever that i want to spend the rest of my life with him. I truely feel that he feels the same and in theory this should be all good

BUT there is a problem. I get so unhappy and am crying constantly. I hide it as much as i can but the feelings of betrayal, questions of their intimacy etc etc are eating me up inside. I really dont no wot to do anymore. I know that if our marriage is to survive that i have to strong but will these feelings of emptiness ever go away or atleast fade????

I have also found myself wanting revenge on the woman too. Making her life as bad as she has made mine, wanting her to hurt as much as she has hurted me. I have asked my husband where she lives so i can confront her but he will not allow it. He says he is frightened that i will do something that will get me into serious trouble and although he hasnt spoken to her since the day he told her it was over, i really feel that i need to do something that will leave her reeling.

Am i totally loosing the plot. Please help me, i desperately need advise and i am going out of my mind.

Thanks for listening.

[London]

missmolly - a quick post right now. WRT to your wanting revenge on the OW - you need to remember that she isn't the one who hurt *you*. Whether she knew your H was married or or not, she did not hurt you - your HUSBAND did that. At the very worst, OW was a minor accomplice to your H. So, "Making her life as bad as she has made mine, wanting her to hurt as much as she has hurted me" , is not only wrong and foolish but you are going after the wrong party!

Also, part of the reason you are "breaking-up" inside is becuase your emotions are having a hard time really reconciling what you so desperately want to believe and have ("i want to spend the rest of my life with him. I truely feel that he feels the same and in theory this should be all good") and that which is the actual reality (constant fear of losing H, actual betrayal, deep fear that he WILL do it again etc).

[missmolly]

She knew he was married. She begged him to leave me and when he came back to see the children and he phoned her to say he wasnt going back to her she told him that he was just feeling fragile and to go back to her. Wot kind of woman has an affair with a married man anyway??????? she deserves all the bad luck i can give her!!!!!!!

[Springheeled Jack]

Hiya,

My wife isnt showing the love and attention that I would like, however, although it is "tempting to dive into an affair. My wife doesnt bother with me so why not. It isnt as easy as that. Number one, Id never have a affair, Ive got my pride, number two it causes a shed load of hassle.

So the easiest thing to do is to try to get "both" sides to pull together instead of opposite directions. In my case, my wifes "lack of response" is blamed on me. Its "my fault" she feels like this, irrespective of the fact that Im the innocent party!!

She can get abusive at time, but because I love my wife I let that go. Men that have affairs are on "fools errands".

If my wife had an affair, well the marriage would be over, there and then. However at least I can look at my self in the mirror and say "well at leas it wasnt you Jack". Id be devastated, but at least I would have kept my pride.

Be strong my dear.

Jack

[jellybelly]

missmolly, I think you already hurt her and you have won. He decided you are the one he wants. As long as he is being truthful that it is over, then you have to let it go. I too was in this position, I wanted revenge, I wanted to inflict the same pain she did. To make matters worse, she was a friend and did it right under my nose. My H and I would go to her house for dinner with her and her H! About one or two days of finding out about their affair I happened to be behind her while driving. I tried to get her to pull over so I could confront her, i got so furious that she wouldn't pull over, I tried to "make" her pull over! She was at the wrong place wrong time, I had just found out about the A and hadn't spoken to her yet about the A. I calmed down after that incident. I never did talk to her but I spoke to her H, and found out that the A was over (as far as he knew, but I knew better), about 4 months prior to me finding out, and he knew about it but never bothered to tell me. Well I could go on, but my point is you can let this eat you up inside, and consume your every waking minute, but then she will win. Firstly because she will occupied your time and thoughts with her instead of your husband, and your H may get tired of this and your marriage will end. You may need some counselling, just to get your emotions in check. I know this is going to be very hard for you and those feeling will creep into your life every once and a while for many years, but you have to be stronger than them. Hope this helps.

[London]

She knew he was married. She begged him to leave me and when he came back to see the children and he phoned her to say he wasnt going back to her she told him that he was just feeling fragile and to go back to her. Wot kind of woman has an affair with a married man anyway??????? she deserves all the bad luck i can give her!!!!!!!

missmolly - Sorry but whether she knew or not, it was your HUSBAND that betrayed you, not her. The fact that she asked your H to leave you was because HE was giving her the attention and signals that he "desired" her - physically and/or emotionally.

You ask what kind of woman has an affair with a married man? Well, by the sounds of it, she's not involved with anyone (or is she?) and found this "great" guy who showered her with attention and physical contact and she liked it - she was thinking, "great guy, we get on, he's obviously not 'attached' to his wife - sexually or emotionally, why not be together?" - Can you blame her? More importantly YOU need to ask, "what kind of (married with kids) man has an affair?" The "betrayal here was YOUR HUSBAND, not the OW.

[missmolly]

London - so wot do i do, leave him, i dont no that i can live without him but i also dont think i can live with this on my mind. As with the other woman - any woman of any sort would have said sort your life out with your wife first, leave her, get your emotions in check and if you still want me then come back when it has all died down. Im sorry but i cannot understand anyone that defends a home wrecker cos thats wot she is. OK so my husband "went looking" but she made it easy.

[London]

London - so wot do i do, leave him, i dont no that i can live without him but i also dont think i can live with this on my mind. As with the other woman - any woman of any sort would have said sort your life out with your wife first, leave her, get your emotions in check and if you still want me then come back when it has all died down. Im sorry but i cannot understand anyone that defends a home wrecker cos thats wot she is. OK so my husband "went looking" but she made it easy.

missmolly - the option to leave or to stay with your husband is a decision only you and he can make - preferably together. I understand what you are saying, but I hope you realise that the OW does make it easy for you to hide the real cause of the problem - wc is YOUR HUSBAND. Remember, he is the one who betrayed you - not her. Yes she made it easy, but your H is the one who pursued it and gave into her. Obviously, she thought it would be easier to "get" your H before he left you and to convince him to leave you. It didn't work, so at least that is in your favour as has been pointed out to you by others here. But you cannot go blaming someone EXTERNAL to your marriage for the issues that have led to it. So far, all I am reading is that OW is responsible for your mess and unhappiness. What about WHAT your H did and let's not forget, it takes two to tango, YOUR role in driving your H to the OW. Nevertheless, all this finger pointing is not going to help you go forward.

If, as you say, you want to stay, then you need to channel your anger in a positive way to making this work. Threatening to do something rash to the other woman will only drive your H further away from you. And if you do something hurtful, then you may even face the hands of the law - and then you'll lose not only your H, but your children and your freedom. Is that what you want? You should read many of the articles on this forum about how to move forward after discovering your spouse had an affair. There is no need to go after OW - you need to solidfy yourself and H and your marriage. You don't have the time or energy for anyone outside your family!!!!!

[RON]

I hate to tell you this but you'll never get over it. My wife had a one year affair with another married man 26 years ago and I'm still not over it. I am madly in love with my wife but I hate his guts for trying to take her from me. Just make it day to day and never let your love die.

[Debbo]

MissMolly,

I'm so sorry that your dealing with this. How painful it must be for you.

My first H had many affairs on me and even married another woman while he was still married to me.

It took me 16 years to finally leave him and start a new life. But the damage was done.

Today I'm married to a wonderful Christian man. We've been married for nearly 9 years, but I still deal with the trust issues.

As far as I know this H has not had an affair, but inside of me I still feel that I cannot trust him.

Trust is deep-rooted and if it has been destroyed, I dont know how to get it back.

I've been trying for years.

I think the scars just never heal.

But. I keep working on it. And. My hubby never gives up on me and I think that is the real factor that keeps my marraige going.

Love has a way of doing the healing for you.

I wish you luck in this and hope everything works out for the best for your marraige.

Debbo