I need advice please

[marriedMOM]

I am new to this. I have been married almost five years now. We were together about a year and a half before we got married (off and on)
We have six boys between the two of us. (two from my previous marriage,two from his, two together)
My two live with their father and I drive 100 miles to see them a couple times a month. Everytime I do my husband gets angry and accuses me of cheatingor having a boyfriend in that town.
I am mom to all the boys. His two have not know thier mom she left them when they were babies and hasn't tried to be involved in any way. I stay at home and take care of the four boys who live in our home. I do all the household chores, run errands, make sure the kids and home are well taken care of. I have been 100% faithful and honest to my husband throughout our entire relationship.
He is angry and unsatisfied with what feels to me like everything I do anymore. Complaints about the way I cook, clean, mother,dress, drive,make love etc. I have tried everything I can think of to be a good wife and mother to him and our kids.
He yells and makes hurtful comments to me daily. Sometimes before I am even out of bed. I have tried to ask him what is bothering him and suggested counselling ( I go by myself) none of which he is willing to do. Now his oldest son (he is 12) is really disrespectful to me constantly and my husband doesn't do anything to help me through it.
I am at the point where I don't want to be divorced again but at the same time I need to be happy. I am having a lot of stress related med. problems because I feel like I have to walk on egg shells all the time now. Can anyone give me some advice? I am out of ideas and I don't know what to do. I just know I need to be happy for me and my children.

[Altered Heart]

You can't change someone else,all you can do it to take care of yourself.
He is verbally abusive and you should demand more respect. He is not lifting you up and is not setting a good role model for these young men in his care.
Stand up for yourself, empower yourself, build your self esteem and then review this situation from a mentally healthy perspective. I am not suggesting you divorce and leave him, I am only suggesting that you need to establish the ground rules of your relationship. Will he not go to counseling with you? If not, you continue to go....... also, read and educate yourself on the cycle of domestic violence both verbal and physical,

[London]

If the dis-respect continues after your discussions with him, you need to seriously consider whether this is the man you want to stay married to. If he fails to see how is being abusive, you need to protect yourself and your children from such a man. Domestic abuse is more than physical and often starts with verbal abuse.

[marriedMOM]

Thank You guys for your replies. I had a discussion with him last night on my feelings about his behavior and it seemed to get through to him some. He agreed that his behavior was un called for and agreed to not act like such a jerk. I hope it works.

[Valerie]

It's really nice to want to make a marriage work. Sometimes what is overlooked when trying to work at a relationship is the children involved. I admire your efforts for being a great mom and spending time with your children. No one should take that away from you, nor interfere with that. Men and women are a dime a dozen, but our babies are not replaceable. And the memories that they hold and your sacrifices mean everything in the world to them. It is wonderful that you are a mom to his children, but they are his children, and you have a responsibility towards yours. He is being childish and insecure. Maybe he should have more involvment in your travels, like; communication with you at all times, a visit with you, pictures of your times spent, or communication with the kids that are also his wife's (you). He doesn't know, therefore he makes accusations. He has no control, so he becomes verbally abusive, expressing his rage and allowing his mind to imagine things that are not true. He certainly needs to do more than stop being a jerk. These are signs of lack of trust which can destroy your marriage. He needs to take steps to regain confidence. Make him realize the Houdini roles you are playing in your life with probably little time for yourself.

[marriedMOM]

I agree Valerie. I try to share my pictures of my children that I take when I go visit and I talk with him about our visit. He doesn't seem too interested in hearing it. I have been very honest with him about what goes on with the visits and still I get accused of things. He doesn't want communication with my children. They are not comfortable around eachother.
There are definately trust issues in our marriage. I can already see some probs. it is causing. I often wonder what I can do to prove to him I have not done anything for him to not trust me. I have even asked him what I need to do with no answer from him. He is insucure with our marriage.( he has told me he is really scared of losing me and of his insecurities)
I have been trying to show him all I do to be super mom/super wife but he just doesn't get it I guess. I can't tell you the last time (other than when all the kids are asleep) I had time for me! I would love a few hours to go shopping or whatever by myself! I have been trying to take daily walks with the youngest kids. Just so I can get some excercise and feel good. I have lost 29 lbs. in the last 4 months due to all the stress. I am not complaining about the weight I am working toward losing more so that I can be happy with myself and heathier too
Anyway, I got a bit off subject there sorry!
Thank you so much for your reply. This is a help to me!