his affair has ruined my life!

[fallenstar]

I haven't posted here in awhile. My last posts were from 10/04, right after I disscovered my H's affair.

To bring you up to date, we are coming to the finalization of our divorce. Things have been awful between us. He has taken our 2 yr. old around the OW many times. I had put in my D papers that our son is not to be around her. He has been very nasty, mean, and disrespectful for the past 10 months. He has continued to see her and recently moved in w/ her in 2/05.

This has been so painful. I have not done anything wrong and he is so cold to me. I am not perfect and am guilty of certain flaws in our M as he is, but the way he has handled everything has been so hurtful. I don't know how I am going to deal w/ everything after the D. He is so hard to reason with. The OW is very nasty to me as well. She treats me as if she has "taken my man" from me. She is very immature and childish and I don't feel their relationship is stable at all, that's why I don't want my son around her. They fight a lot and drink a lot.

He has told me many times recently that he doesn't know if he wants to be w/ her, he doesn't know the future w/ her. Why does he share that w/ me?
We just sold our house and I am now house hunting. Our poor son has been through so much. My H doesn't even see the damage he has done. He seems so content with his life. I am struggling every day just to get myself going. I am so full of hurt still and he just walks down easy street. Does life after D get better? Do the relationships with affair partners really last?

[Hope]

He has told me many times recently that he doesn't know if he wants to be w/ her, he doesn't know the future w/ her. Why does he share that w/ me?We just sold our house and I am now house hunting. Our poor son has been through so much. My H doesn't even see the damage he has done. He seems so content with his life. I am struggling every day just to get myself going. I am so full of hurt still and he just walks down easy street. Does life after D get better? Do the relationships with affair partners really last?
Hi Fallenstar,

My H also lives with the O/W but isn't sure if he is inlove with her or if he wants to live with her long term... he doesn't appear to know what he wants at the moment. Personally I think many affairs are just transient relationships and I don't think they all last. Some spouses are just unhappy and want a reason to leave - they need a reason to go and an affair is often the best excuse/reason for them. I'm not sure my H's relationship will last but I'm also pretty sure that I am not the woman he wishes to end his days with. It works both ways though..... now that time has passed I'm not so sure we are compatible anymore anyway. We don't get on very well when we see each other either. My H is always critical or moody and I have no attraction to him at all now.

Do you still have feelings for your H despite him being cold and nasty? I find the more my H is rude or unpleasant helps me to "get over" him. If he's nice I feel sad and sentimental about our marriage!

I haven't even met my H's O/W yet! Sometimes I feel like marching over and introducing myself just to remind her that I am "real" and that she has broken a marriage up..... sometimes I think she pushes it to the back of her mind about what she's really done..... I'm not a real person if she doesn't meet me! Anyway lately I've been feeling very unsettled and keep having this urge to introduce myself but I feel a bit nervous and I'm not sure I'll deal with it very well so perhaps Its best that I don't!

I've moved house now and its lovely being somewhere new.... no more sad memories of the "old" life. Its not easy when your H is being cold is it? My H is often like that and he can also be quite critical towards me but I try not to have much contact with him and I find I cope much better that way.

Don't be fooled into thinking your H is happy. He's probably just taken his baggage and hangups onto the next relationship and if they're arguing all the time it can't be much fun for him. I've always said that if our H's were really happy they'd show signs of being happy.... eg. why be cold towards you if he's happier else where? Wouldn't he be chirpy and happy when he saw you if his life was going well? Personally I think his behaviour is showing signs of his "unhappiness" with his life! The other thing of course is that if he has any doubts about what he's done then he needs to justify his actions (ie. leaving you) by continuing to "not get on" with you! If he thought for one moment that he'd actually left a lovely woman who he thought he still loved then he'd have to deal with his feelings and cope with perhaps making the wrong choices! If he convinces himself he no longer gets on with you he can then convince himself he's made the right choice and won't torment himself with regrets!

When my H first left he kept picking fights and would jump down my throat about EVERYTHING. I couldn't even speak without him flying off the handle and threatening to go home! He'd keep saying "you see we just don't get on"!!! I used to just tell him to grow up and discuss things in a civilised fashion and I didn't let him wind me up. Over time he gradually calmed down and we started getting on very well. Things have got worse again..... he makes comments and sometimes I flip sometimes I just bite my tongue! At the end of the day our H's may not be happy with their lives and thats why they behave the way they do, afterall if you're just being nice and calm and fairly laid back then he has no reason to be angry with you UNLESS he's not happy himself! Is he happy??? I doubt it!!! The trouble is we all have an imagination that runs wild sometimes and we often get things wrong.... the grass often looks greener over the other side but as we all know its often not!

Post again soon.... let us know how things are going.

Take care
Hope

[fallenstar]

Thanks. No, the more cold and rude he is to me, the more I want him out of my life. I guess I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact that he got over me so quickly. We were high school sweethearts. We have been together for 13 yrs. We've been through everything together. He just let go of it all just like that. I don't want to be with him ever again, but it would just be a nice feeling to have him at least be a little upset that our history is coming to an end.

His parents D when he was 2 (same age as our son). HIs father got custody of him and his siblings. His mother has been an alcoholic most of her life and they have no relationship, they don't ever see each other or talk. His Dad has had several woman in and out of their lives while growing up. Some moved in and played the "stepmom" role, but it never lasted. I feel he's repeating history. He doesn't value M and see the damage D does to children b/c he grew up that way.