lonely and sad (long post)

[Warrior Woman]

I have contributed a lot to the state of my marriage, I used to be very angry because this is my second marriage and my first was from an abusive husband and unfortunatly some of the negativity from the first marriage carried to the second due to my failure to face up to my feelings and the fact that I connected the marriages in a sense, I couldn't completely trust men.

I was not a very good wife to my now husband, I suffered from PTSD and was ultra sensitive to everything, I know he felt very held back on being himself, but what he doesn't realize is how he contributed to this as well... issues from day one with him are unable to be solved, he can be toxic in the way that he doesn't admit EVER when he is wrong.

The funny thing is that now I have started to change I can see how I wasn't ALL wrong, I mean I was wrong of course but I see things logically when before I only saw them one sided which was often my side but while seeing things only for my side I also blamed myself all the time.

Its been a couple of months now, and I have made some amazing changes in my life, I am a new person all around and although its a struggle a majority of the time I maintain this positive new me. But the interesting thing is now that I have become better my husband has turned for the worse, he has gotten worse in all aspects especially the Naomi's wrong thing. but not only that, he since the beginning of our living together has been distant with me, hardly pays any attention to me, yet he requires me to be right there listening to him and giving him attention when he wants that. There is so much more to it, but what it comes down to, is often I think of divorce now, it seems that now that I am improving he is trying to sabotage me, as if he wants me to remain the same. I think its probably a subconcious thing on his part, where he is used to the old me, and probably had control in a way by getting me to become angry and have the old tantrums that I did, he was always right and there was no argument against it when I would have tantrums, those tantrums would prove it to him, now he doesn't have that so perhaps he lost that control But as much as I want this marriage to work now, I just don't see how I can be doing all of the work and him adding more loads to me now that I am changing, its hard enough to change for the better, it takes a lot to bite your pride and admit what you have done thats wrong to others and change that part of yourself, it certainly is freeing, but yet its still one of the hardest things I have done besides leaving my last husband and fighting for custody.

I need to feel important, and loved and I don't in this marriage.

Naomi

[Kate]

Dear Warrior Woman

It sounds as though there has been a lot of water under the bridge between you. You have got into patterns of behaviour that have not been helpful. Now you are trying to change but he hasn't yet.



If you consider how many years it took to get to this stage then surely it must tak a little time to unravel the mess you have got into.



Well done for identifying the things that you need to change and for recognising the way your past marriage has affected you.



Have you actually talked to your husband about what you are trying to do and how he could help you. He may not realise how much you need his support - yes perhaps he ought to but some people can be slow about these things.



There are some recognised patterns of unhelpful behaviour and there is an article here. perhaps you could look at it together and see which ones operate on your relationship.


Keep up the good work in your own life - I'm sure you'll reap benefits from that in itself.

All the best

Kate