constant conflict

[kathyd]

Hi ,
I am new to the forum and in fact this is the first time I have reached out anywhere or mentioned anything about a behaviour in our marriage that causes constant argueing .
My husband is or should I say comes across to me as an obsessive cleaner .
I know that some women would laugh and say ...WOW ..lucky you ! but it has come to where it is becomming a major issue in our lives ....
I have tried to rationalize about various aspects with the kids etc and still it comes down to an argument before the day is out .
He constantly complains about how much he has to clean and does not like any of the kids friends coming into the house as they dirty it.
We have alot of kids around us and I agree that having a bunch of them in the house can be a bit much but he is constantly at war with the kids about coming into the house and messing it after he has cleaned it .
He is a freelance Cameraman so works odd hours and when he is not at work he hovers every day .
If someone spills something on the floor or does a slight mess he is up in arms .
All the time he goes on about the cleaning he does and how messy the kids are .
I agree that kids need to be trained and they can be messy but surely there is another way to go about it than constant arguing and going on about it all the time .
It creates alot of stress and when the mood in the house is good he can be home for 10 mins and it will change. and everyone will be at everyone esle .
If he walks into the house and is not happy about something then it will become an issue.
I cook every day and iron when needed and do other things but I just do it.
it is one of those things.
Because of him constantly confronting the children they have in a way lost respect for him and this seems to have made the situation worse.
When we go away on Holiday our relationship is great and we all have a great time and get on well .
As soon as we arrive back in our own home it starts again .
With what other people are going through this may seem really petty but it seems to be getting worse as time goes on and is becoming hard to live with.
Sometimes I feel like my own house is a prison .
When he goes out I relax and before he comes back I have to make sure that the place is clean .
God help me if there are a pile of dishes in the sink and I am on the Telephone or computer.
Maybe reading this ..you might think that I am really untidy but I am not .
I just do not see a need to constantly clean and hover every day of the week .
Its like his Home really is his castle and is becoming everyone esles nightmare.

I am not writing this today to blame my husband ..not at all .
If there is something I should be doing to change it then yes ..I am open to suggestions.I have tried many ways and have backed him up so that we come across as a united front to the kids but then i just feel like my home is becoming one of those that you go into and are afraid to touch anything .
His sisters house was like that and I always felt uncomfortable in it .if you droped a crumb on the floor you felt awkward .
I grew up in a busy house with loads of people calling in and out .
We had animals and maybe at times it seemed chaotic but it was fun .
he grew up in a regimenated household .Very cold mother with no emotion .
I know both of us are a product of our upbringing and see things the way we believe are right .
I am just so tired of the constant fighting.
We lived in S.Africa for 22 years .He is S.African and I am Irish .
I wanted to leave and come back here and he is happy here but now after 4 years I want to move on again .
Sometimes I wonder if this constant wanting to move is a reaction to try and get away .
I had a big operation some 2 years ago and my priorites in live changed .
I value life and time with my family and kids and I just think this constant nagging is digging a hole with his kids .
Having said all of that ..I know we both care for each other and my kids for him ..we just need to get this worked out before it gets too late .

Kathy

kathy

[helenrw200]

Hi Kathy,

It almost sounds as if he is developing OCD, which I know can show itself in this way. Does he have other issues apart from cleaning the house ? Hand washing, checking locks etc ?

If he was brought up in this way it is probably just something he feels he has to do, and yes it is a nightmare to live with, my ex husband was similar except that he expected ME to be the one that kept "his " house spotless, despite having a teenager, a 10 year old and two cats in it !

As he seems to relax when he's away on holiday, it probably is just his way at home , maybe his way of being in control of things ? Did something happen in recent past that kicked this off ? For instance when you moved to Ireland ? A change of job ?

It is hard when someone has had it drilled into them that cleanliness is how you show affection , what I mean is, his mother didn't show him love so maybe he consoled himself with " well at least she kept the house clean, so she must have cared "

I know none of this is the answer to your problem, but maybe if you could find out the why's you could set about modifying the problem to a bearable level for you and the kids ?

Hope this helps.

Helen

[kathyd]

Hi Helen ,
your reply has helped alot ....for me to believe that it is not just me!
You say about your ex-husband expecting you to do it ..well that happens here .His constant complaining is his way of saying that the house was not up to his standard...so he had to do it ...thats the way it comes across.He said today that when he works late and comes home the kitchen is in a mess and he has to clean.
I can tell you Helen that when I go to bed I believe the kitchen is clean . .
When I started to question what the heck he was talking about ..he said he had to sweep .
When I then thought of it ..there were probably a few crumbs on the floor and I had not swept before going to bed ....thats what we are talking about here.
Its kind of like he sees the need to clean and I do not .
yet there are jobs in the house that I do and no one does ...like clean the toilets,bathrooms, etc .I just do it .
There must be some underlying issue .
He showers twice a day .Even if he works to three in the morning ...he will come in and shower .
That however is possibly a habit from being brought up in a warm climate.
he is very clean conscious and as I
say showers twice a day and washes his hair every day.
When we first met and I went to his mothers house it was what I would call very untidy .
She has 7 dogs and there were hairs everywhere .
i have often thought that it could have been a reaction to that .
When she moved house and is now in a new one she is just like him about cleanliness...still has a few dogs but very finiky and intolerant of other people.

My husband probably sounds aweful but in reality he is a very nice person and if this cleaning issue was out the way ...everything would be great .
Its just now after 13 years that it is wearing me down.
It does not bother him in other peoples houses just his own .
He is a perfectionist in everything he does and in a way that is probably what brought us together in that we are so differant .
I would be more laid back and more social and easy going
For the first time since we have been married I have had thoughts going into my head of saving to get a place of my own ...I know that it is not the solution but that is the stage it has got to . I lecture in a local college and am financially independant so sometimes i ask my self why I just keep putting up with it .
The reason I do keep with it is because I know that not every marriage is perfect and problems come up and we have to just work through it . he is in otherways a good father and a real family man .
he is a top sports man ...plays tennis for Ireland [Veterens] and everytime I go to a function and meet some of his playing partners thay always tell me about how much he talks about me and how important his family is .
In fact one lady one night told me that it is very obvious that the most important thing in his life is his family.
I know that .
Somtimes I think that my reaction to it should change and when he starts going on at the kids I should just walk away .

basically I do not know what to do any more .
I went through 6 weeks of radiotherapy and was working at the same time .
I taught in the college in the morning and went for treatment in the afternoon .
When I got home at 5.00pm each night I walked into a house full of tension and fighting.
At the end of the 6 weeks I had pains everywhere and digestive problems [Vomiting]and when I went to an alternative Doctor he told me all my problems where not the radiotherapy but stress .
I got it sorted out and am fine now but I do feel somewhat resentful that considering what I was going through ,could he not have kept the tension level in the house down?
Sometimes I see a really nice person and sometimes I see a really intolerant person who just likes to do things his own way.
I must admit it is good to talk ..this is the first time I have actually brought this out and it has been getting worse for 13 years .
We had a maid in S.Africa and with two kids under the age of 3 ..it was a nightmare in the evenings
if toys were lying all over the floor ..then bang ....off we go again.

I know that the whole issue is breeding resentment .
As I say he is a top sportman and plays alot of sport .
With the odd hours of his work and his sport I tend to spend more time with the kids .
I have nver complained about it but then I get resentfull when that is all taken for granted and he goes on about the house.

I guess that something has to change for the situation to improve .
i am just not sure what.

kathy