Marriage Continue W/O Trust?

[mrb]

Can a marriage continue even if trust can not be re-established?

[helenrw200]

I guess it can whilst you allow it to...........there must however come a time when enough is enough, and I guess we all have different points at which we reach this.

Helen

[London]

Can a marriage continue even if trust can not be re-established?

why would you want it to? A marriage without Trust, Respect, Love, and Intimacy is not really a "marriage" - it becomes an "arrangement". If you can live with an "arrangement" then yes, it can "continue". But it will hardly be fulfilling.

You'll read many accounts here where people come to the board asking the same question but with any one (or more) of the four aspects lacking.....

[Lost-Soul]

How long do you want to be crying yourself to sleep?

[mrb]

A little more info

We have three children between us. (His Mine and Ours) Both of the older children haven seen divorce. My daughter has managed really well...scary well when you get down to it. His has gone through a ton, and has emotional issues. No matter how painful my ex and I played nice even when we wanted to kill each other. Not eveyone behaves in that way, as is the case with my husband and his ex. Our child has mitochondrial disease. Very seriouse. She is hospitalized several times a year, and has nearly died on a number of occasions. She adores us all, and depends on routine and a stress free environment. That is right even when hell is coming down on us we act normal and it does not exist with in this house.
I want to save the union, even if trust is gone. I guess I am hoping to hear that it has been done before.

[helenrw200]

Perhaps ( if you feel you can ) you could tell us a little of why or how the trust in your marriage has been broken ? There are various ways for trust to be broken and it's a sort of sliding scale I guess as to whether it can be re-established or be learned to live with.....

Helen

[mrb]

well...

i recently learned that my husband had an affair with his ex wife early in our relationship, only a few months before i became pregnant with our daughter.
all during our relationship he has belonged to porn, dating, and adult sites (the ones where they find you someone just for sex) on the internet. He actually tracked down a women who caught his eye on the metro and dated her for a while pretending not to be married. he had many internet affairs, and swapped photos with the women that he would masterbate while looking at in the office bathroom so many details came from reading the emails he wrote to these women. throughout our relationship he would become distant emotioally, and all of last year (when he was the most active) he denied me several times in bed. he said that i wanted it too much and he was getting to old for that all the time. he is only 35 and i am 29 btw. when things got tough, i would ask him point blank.i just sorft of knew. he was dressing better, never had time for me, and though i was the same i was smothering him. he would cry, look into my eyes and lie to me. why didn't i trust him he would ask. he always made me believe it was me, and not him.
see with the internet, you can never really know if they are or if they aren't
especially when they work from an office and their entire career is based on the pc.

[mrb]

oh...forgot something...he arranged visit with escorts in the district, but swares he never really went. just like he never really met the women who live less than 5 miles from where we do

[helenrw200]

Then you must feel totally at a loss, given the situation with your daughter and in light of all this, I'm surprised you aren't on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have to say I think you've behaved wonderfully well toward your H and have already been very forgiving in the fact that you are still there at all ! I'm sure you are aware but I'll say it anyway that you are in NO WAY at fault here.

As to your H, what does your gut instinct tell you ? Has all the internet and escort and meeting up with women stopped ?

In most circumstances I would have to say that your best option would probably be to leave, but because of the stress on your daughter I guess that would be hard road for you to take. I do have to say though, that I don't think it's possible for you to regain trust in your H unless he has changed radically .The problem you have I guess is can you still live with him, knowing what you do ?

Do you love him ? Do you have intimacy and closeness and share things together ? Are you 100 % sure that your daughter wouldn't cope and be happier ( mainly because she might be feeling the stress even if you're not aware she is )seeing you more relaxed and happy ?

It is possible to turn a blind eye to certain things when you have to, but in this instance it sounds as if you would be continually doing just that , your H has pretty much broken his vows in every way he can. The end question has to be can you live with knowing and still live with him ?

Helen

p.s I've been in somewhat similar circumstances and though I'm not in the habit of handing out my e-mail address..... if you ever need to talk, you can contact me at helenrw2002@yahoo.co.uk

[London]

mrb - what you are describing is what i mentioned above - you want an "arrangement" not a marriage. i can't see from what you describe any level of trust or respect for H. You may love him to a degree but I suspect you are trying to stay together ONLY for the sake of your daughter. I feel for you.


A marriage without Trust, Respect, Love, and Intimacy is not really a "marriage" - it becomes an "arrangement". If you can live with an "arrangement" then yes, it can "continue". But it will hardly be fulfilling.

[mrb]

London...Quite right it would be more like an arrangement. For the moment based on where I am just now, I feel that I must try every possible means before quiting.
In my mind he broke the bond, now I get to choose my course. Trust that the idea of a relationship lacking trust in not something I desire. As most people I long for trust respect love and intimacy.

I thank you for your post. Your are quite direct and I respect that. :)

[London]

mrb - i respect your decision to "give it all" especially since your husband didn't just wrong you once or twice but many many times. I feel for you becuase you are trying to salvage something which in your mind and heart "should" be right but isn't quite convincing at this point.

You also need to realise that under the circumstances where H has left you, if and when you decide that enough is enough and should you decide to leave, there is NO wrong in that. You cannot allow yourself or your children to be part of a man who chooses to disrespect and abuse the trust and love over and over again that his family has granted him.....


ps: thank you for your appreciation...

[melissa]

i do think that there can still be a marriage because eventually there will be some trust built back into the marriage its not gonna happen overnight or in a week or even 6 months but eventually there will be that trust again and you can have a happy marriage becaus ei am in a similar situation and i just feel that even though there isnt trust right now there can be in the futire if you both just work at it

[London]

i do think that there can still be a marriage because eventually there will be some trust built back into the marriage its not gonna happen overnight or in a week or even 6 months but eventually there will be that trust again and you can have a happy marriage becaus ei am in a similar situation and i just feel that even though there isnt trust right now there can be in the futire if you both just work at it

And how long do you continuje to live in a trustless marriage so that there could be *some* (not total as you point out) trust eventually (wc means there is no guarantee for even that)? How long do you plan on living in denial of where your relationship is?

[ljohnson]

mrb, i can't believe you've taken so much. if it was me, i'd leave. no one deserves that.