Is it over after 24 yrs ??

[zippy]

We have been married 24 yrs, My wife goes into chat rooms and have had problems before with her chating and planing to meet men. But i have found out before anything has happend.( I bought a spy program) And we have started a fresh and she says it will never happen again.
Any how about 6- 8 weeks ago she started to talk to a man again, (This is the 3rd time) thats fine but then she started to cam with him in differant stat of dress, and she had also gave out her mobile number that i had told her not to do as it become more personal. So i told her i knew about it,(I was just getting my trust in her from the time before)( 1 year) She said she text him and told him it was over, so we went away on holiday to try and make a fresh start AGAIN. When we got back i let her back on the computer, everything was fine for about 5 weeks but then she started to talk to a woman, as i was checking but the woman was this man she was talking to 5 weeks ago he had changed his name to a woman because she knew i was checking and thought i would not notice. I also recorded a couple of mobile phone conversations she had with him.(which was said to him that im not daft) I told her i knew about these, and she has told me agian that she has told him not to make contact with her again. But only trouble is lying twice in a short time i dont know if to beleave her anymore.
I LOVE her but now begining to HATE her for what she has done. She wants to start again but i dont know if i can.
I have locked her off the computer at the moment , but she could still ring him if she wants to. She wants to go back on computer i am thinking of letting her back on but to limit the time she can be on. But i dont know if to just give up and tell her to p**s off.

[helenrw200]

zippy

Firstly, you can't allow or not allow your wife to use the computer, she is an adult , not a child. Secondly ( as I found to my cost ) putting spyware on the pc is never a good idea unless you are preapred to stand the consequences if something is going on.

Now, your wife has been less than truthful with you, and yes I know you love her, but truth is, she is not going to stop contacting this man unless she wants to and nothing you do will stop her, finding out about it again and again is only causing you more pain.

If I were you I would tell her that you love her, but in light of what you know , you don't trust her and that her actions from now on are up to her. Tell her that if she stops all contact with this man ( and any others you are concerned about ) then your marriage has a chance , but that by continuing to do this behind your back, she is effectively saying the marriage is over as you can't live under these conditions any longer. sadly if she continues with this then you have to make the decision to either accept what she is doing ...... or end it. There is no easy answer.

Hope this helps.

Helen

[London]

Okay, let me get this straight - she abuses your trust by chatting, camming and "planning" to meet with *other* men several times over, but you "love" her and want to stay with her despite her doing all these things.

But, can she really trust you? You add spyware to track her pc tracks and you RECORD her mobile phone conversation (how you managed to do that "legally" is another matter)?

The question is, how healthy is this relationship at all? Neither of you trusts or respects each other.....

[zippy]

Thank you Helen & London for your help.
Im going to say what you have said and if she goes behind my back agian what she is saying its over.
And thank you London for your help there is a lot more to what has happend and it would have taken weeks to type it all out, but i know what you are saying so im going to uninstall all spy programs and hope to start a fresh. There was another reason for spy programs been on the computer it's just that my wife got court up on them, but that problem has now gone away too. So maybe we can start a fresh. Thanks for some help no one to talk to that is involved it's good to get outside advice.........THANKS

[London]

good luck zippy. I know it can't be easy trying to fight to save your marriage and deal with changes in your own and her personalities.....