Still married - but only just

[Jake Blues]

This will probably be a fairly long first post so please stay with me.

I have been married for 19 years in September. I am 43 and my wife turned 40 last year. We have three wonderful daughters aged 9, 12 and 14. Like all marriages we have had our ups and downs but I think it has been basically a good marriage. However, in recent years things have gone wrong, culminating in events three weeks ago which have brought things to a head – I will come on to this.

My wife says she no longer loves me… in fact she is not sure she ever did. It is clear to me that her feelings for me are just about non-existant. She shows me no affection and recent events have led to her not wanting me to show affection to her - even though I am desperate to. She says she feels absolutley no physical atraction for me. We are very close to breaking up but have agreed to give it another three months until after a holiday we have booked in August.

I need to go into my understanding of the history of how we have got to where we are. Firstly, I recognise the part I have played in this. About 6 years ago I went through a very bad time at work. I was in a senior position in a small company. I had been with the company 9 years and had helped it grow. I was devoted to the company and my work. There were structural changes (to which I contributed the planning!) which resulted in an effective demotion for me. Two years later I was made redundant. In fact I had been “engineered out”. This led to a long period of extremely low self-confidence and self-esteem and as a result I changed. I became grumpy, miserable, and was generally not a particularly attentive husband or father. It has taken a long time for me to recover but I have at least now realised that I need to change myself.

At the same time several things have happened in my wife’s life. I think it began after we had children. I believe it was at this time that she began to have difficulty in showing affection to me. This has never been dealt with and over the years has just got worse and worse.

My wife had always had a fairly low self-esteem and self-confidence. There are reasons for this which I won’t go into here. However, about 5 years ago she began a new career and became a fitness instructor. She has proved very good at it and been very successful and I am enormously proud of her for it. As a result she has developed tremendous self-confidence, meets lots of new people and she admits herself that she now likes herself – which she never did before. Of course the job also keeps her slim and fit and looking good. She has become an outgoing, friendly, vivacious and pretty gorgeous woman who can give quite a few 20 year old girls a run for their money. By contrast my job has me sat down all day. I try to keep fit - and don't do bad for a 43 year old, but I struggle a little with my weight and appearance.

My wife also turned forty and this clearly affected her. She seemed to fight against it strongly and often became upset about it. I hate to use the cliche "mid-life crisis" but to me it appears she has gone into a phase where she wants the life we generally have when we are in our early 20’s and single.

She has made new girlfriends (some of whom are divorced) and in the last year started to regularly go out to the local pub or wherever and generally have a good time. I have no problem with this other than it has been clear that it has been to the exclusion of any effort going into our relationship. It is obvious she flirts and gets, and enjoys the attention of men, and she admits that she is more able to talk to men and relax with men than she has ever before. I can understand that she is extremely attracted by this life – who wouldn’t be?!

The last year things have got worse and worse. We have still had a physical relationship, (although she says it has just been sex) and I know we have had moments of closeness, though she is reluctant to acknowledge this. However, things came to a head three weeks ago when she went out on a Friday night to a local club.

Late in the evening I texted her because she was later than she had said. She replied saying she was walking home because the taxi hadn’t come. The club was only a mile away so because I was worried about her walking home on her own at 1.00am I went out to meet her. I went round the corner at the end of the street and stood for a couple of minutes watching her kissing in the arms of another man. (Someone I know for Gods sake!)

I was of course devastated and there was a scene and I said some things I probably shouldn’t have. She assures me it was a one-off and that she has not had an affair and I believe this is the truth. Subsequently a lot of truth came out about her feelings for me – or rather the lack of them.

I went through a few days when I was convinced that it was over. However, after long self –examination I realised that I love my wife more than anything and that I cannot conceive of being without her. I have to try to win her back – I have no other choice. We have, as I said, agreed to give it until after the August holiday.

However, since then things have obviously not been good. I am trying to walk a fine line between giving her space to make up her mind and just wanting to hold her in my arms and not let go. She does not want us to have any physical relationship and little physical contact. To be honest, I think the only thing stopping her giving up is fear of the unknown and the effect on our children. I want to try but she is not even sure if she wants to. She has agreed to go to Relate, and I have said that unless we are going to try the extra time is pointless. I fear that it is too late to save our relationship...but I have to try.

Sorry this is such a long post, but there's a lot of history here and I am struggling to cope with this and I don’t really know what to do. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

[kuratti]

Take a look at http://www.divorcebusting.com (http://www.divorcebusting.com/). The key is to give her space while making changes for yourself. As much as you want to pursue her, show her how much you love her, this will only drive her away. Be cordial and helpful, but not overbearing and pursuing. Also, try to get out and do more things on your own.

If you succeed in improving yourself physically and emotionally for your benefit, not hers, the changes will be genuine and everlasting.

[Jake Blues]

I understand this and am trying. But I'm also terrified that the more I give her space, the more she will continue to develop her own life away from our relationship. Like I said, I am treading a fine line...

But I take your point and will try to give her more space - however hard it is...

[kuratti]

I completely understand your fears and concerns. However, us men have a
tendency to try to 'fix' situations, whereas women just want someone
who will listen to and appreciate them.

My advice would be to concentrate on being a friend. Talk about her day and other friendly topics, kids etc., but stay away from discussing the marriage
and relationship. If she does talk about your relationship, try to validate
her points of view.

At this point, she is withdrawn and looking for any reasons why your marriage
will not work. Being a friend will help to take away her ammunition
for divorce.

Also, try to identify her 'love languages'. In other words, how does she feel loved? Is it acts of service, kind words, recreation time together, etc?. But don't go overboard in showing her. You know her best of all after 19 years together.

Secondly, What are some aspects about yourself you really want to change regardless of your marital difficulties? Make a list of personal goals and really work on accomplishing them. Become the confident, outgoing person you were when she first met you.

Contrary to first instinct, giving her space will show her that your are
confident, independent, and respectful of her requests, not some jealous jerk from whom she needs to run away.

This is a marathon not a sprint.

[Jake Blues]

This sounds like good advice. I have to say its not my nature - you're certainly right about me in that I hate inaction... if somethings broke I want to take action to fix it, not sit around hoping it will fix itself.
But I can see the sense of it and I have to focus on this. I think I am already learning this and I will get better at at it.
We'll see how things go...

Thanks for your advice

[Tery]

Be careful, l am in a virtually identical situation to you. My wife left me, no physical contact for three years, she got a better job, more outgoing etc etc. I told her l want her back, have sent flowers etc. she now living with this man (who l know) . She asked for space, l fought hard to do that, and have. Conserquence..... she told me last week, you obviously not interested any more as you have given up. See, l give her the space, she thinks l stopped loving her. Be careful of advice from other women, including those on here. they really do mean well, but they see things so differently. Nine months on, l have not moved on at all. i love my wife and want her back, but they are experts at keeping us on a bit of string, reel us in whewn they want, throw us back when they dont.

[Jake Blues]

Well... what you say is a concern. But I think there is a balance that can be achieved between leaving her to come to her own conclusions and continuing to show that I love her and want her to stay.
It a fine balance... and its tough to follow... but I think its the only way... pressurising her will just push her away...

[disbelief]

Hi Jake Blues,

I agree that a balanced approach is the key. But I also think that you may need to "push" a little harder for the entire truth on events and feelings and Relate may help in this. Once everything is in the open, the path may become clearer.

Keep us informed,

Disbelief

[Jake Blues]

I agree that I may not have the whole truth on everything... on feelings?.. maybe I haven't had the whole truth but I think I know it anyway... Its pretty clear that at the moment my wife wants little to do with me. Certainly not physically anyway.

... on events?.. we'll have to see. The trouble with jealousy is you tend to see the sinister in the most innocent and trivial things. I have to say I'm still not completely convinced I've heard the whole truth, but then that might just be perfectly normal paranoia. But its irrelevant at this stage, I have to assume that everything is as on the face of it at this stage. I think Kurratti's advice was the best I've had.

In fact last night I had the first indication that maybe a small step forward has been taken. We had a cuddle and one of the things she said was that she almost wished I would be nasty to her... she said it would make things easier. This comment could be a double edged sword I know. But I have to take it positively and judge that it indicates that there may be a germ of a thought that what she has is not so bad and maybe she is better off sticking with it.

However, I have to keep telling myself that as Kurratti said... its a marathon, not a sprint.

[Jake Blues]

By the way, Thanks Kurratti.

The more I've thought about what you said, the more I think you are spot on.

[kuratti]

After experiencing marital difficulties like this, I read books and visited websites like you, and found that all the stories play out the same.

A spouse one day says I care for you but I don't feel the passion. I'm not sure if I ever felt it, it was a mistake to get married, etc.

What I had to realize is that my wife had been processing these thoughts for a long time, when she finally revealed them to me, although I was shocked and confused, the bad feelings about our marriage were very real to her, and most importantly justified to her. She had thought about entire life together, and although she acknowledged some parts were good, like our children, most had been 'mentally rewritten' to fit her bad feelings about us as husband/wife.

No amount of persuading or persuing would change her mind. In fact, it would serve to justify to her, that I was a jealous, controlling jerk, and her life would be better off without me.

So I decided on the following course of action:

1. I wrote down a list of things I wanted to change to improve about myself regardless of my marital difficulties.

I became a better listener to my children, friends, and wife. I tried to listen instead of fixing everything like the engineer I am :-).

I developed new interests. I took short courses in various things, like cooking, glass blowing, ballroom dancing, etc. This really shocked and confused her in a good way.

I spent more time with my kids. I took them to the museum, zoo, park, etc. I always asked my wife if she wanted to go, but only once each time. At first, she didn't want to go at all. If she didn't want to go, I didn't worry about it and just said ok. If she did, I didn't make a big deal about it. Surprisingly, as time went on, she wanted to go on these family outings more often, once I made it clear, it was not a ploy to win her back but just times to enjoy as a family.

2. Sometimes my wife would get angry and say why didn't you make these changes earlier? or why did it take things to get this bad for you to change? I made this my mantra:

I'm sorry that I didn't show you outwardly how much I love and appreciate you all these years. You and our children have been the greatest blessings to me. If I could turn back time and show you everyday how much you mean to me, I would, but I can't. I failed to show you what's truly in my heart. For that, I'm sorry. But no matter what happens for us as a couple, I want to us to develop a friendship and be excellent parents together.

All I can do now, is to concentrate on being a better person and parent to our wonderful kids. Everyday I get closer to those goals is a good day for me.

3. Like your wife, my wife is heavily into fitness and looks better than ever. I, on the other hand, was stuck in a desk job, and needed to get into better shape. So I decided to ask for her help. After all, she is the professional, why not use her expertise to my advantage :-). I asked her for a nutrition and fitness plan, and followed it to the letter. In fact, I asked to let me hire her and for her to treat me as any of her other clients. It was a great way to keep lines of communication open, something that was sorely lacking in my marriage.

Over time, I slowly began to ask for her advise on other things, like the finances, home improvements, etc. Things I should have done all along, but stupidly neglected.

4. I let her dictate any affection. If she wanted hugs, kisses, etc., I let her do it. Again this fits into the whole idea of keeping the pressure off her. If I forced my wants and desires on her, it would only justify her perception of me as a selfish, controlling jerk. Slowly, touching, hugs, and kisses returned. Our sex life slowly resumed as she started to feel a real, emotional connection between us.

5. Some may disagree, but I decided that I didn't snoop or spy on her, although the temptation was overwhelming at times. I trusted her word that she wasn't having an affair. Again like your wife, my wife is extremely attractive, started to go out more with her girlfriends, etc. These are all red flags to be sure. But I realized that I couldn't control her, all I could do was to improve myself. If she was having an affair, it would come out and decisions about our marriage would be made.

Ultimately, this was about me being a better person regardless of our marriage.

In my case, my wife again saw the confident, attractive person she married and realized that she didn't want to lose me. She had a lot of resentment and anger towards me that had to be dealt with through counseling and communication, but her desire to save our marriage returned.

I wish I could guarantee that these steps would save your marriage, but you already know that's not the case. But it will help put you in a better place mentally no matter what happens.

[Jake Blues]

Kuratti,

Your story is astonishing because it appears to mirror my own so closely. I only hope that it continues to do so!!!
The most helpful thing I have found about this site is realising that what we are going through is nothing unusual - on the contrary, it is what EVERY relationship goes through. The differences are in how couples respond and deal with it. Does it not strike you that this type of thing should form the basis of a course that must be attended by anyone wishing to get married. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE TELL YOU THESE THINGS BEFORE YOU START A RELATIONSHIP!!!! Why are we left to fumble around in the dark hoping to find a solution???

Your step 1 I have already taken. It has been extremely cathartic and I feel that I have just experienced a major shift in my life - regardless of what happens to my marriage. Step two is definately something I need to do and have already thought deeply about. Of course, its very early days and such major change isn't that easy... you have to be realistic. But I already feel have some understanding of what I have to do. I just never understood that when my wife told me her problems, she didn't want a solution, she just wanted me to listen and understand and sympathize.

Your step 2? We've just about had this conversation already... I'm sure it won't be the last time.
Step 3. Already suggested this. She's not that keen to go to heavily into it... but she has offered advice.
Step 4. Trying hard. It's tough but I think I'm learning.
Step 5. Again tough. I keep seeing the sinister in things that are probably quite innocent. I'm 99% certain that there is not and has not been any affairs. But boy, that other 1% keeps trying to rear its ugly head. Got to bottle it. Like you did I'm trying to work on the basis that if there's anything happening it'll come out eventually... then we deal with it. Until that happens, focus on other things.

The thing I keep trying to remember is what you said in your first post. "Its a marathon, not a sprint". Whatever happens I am extremely grateful for your advice. It has given me a way forward where three days ago I had none. Thanks once again. Have pint on me... or whatever your local beer measurement is!!!

[helenrw200]

Quote >5. Some may disagree, but I decided that I didn't snoop or spy on her, although the temptation was overwhelming at times. I trusted her word that she wasn't having an affair. Again like your wife, my wife is extremely attractive, started to go out more with her girlfriends, etc. These are all red flags to be sure. But I realized that I couldn't control her, all I could do was to improve myself. If she was having an affair, it would come out and decisions about our marriage would be made < Quote

Kuratti , this was absolutely sound advice to follow and one that I have chosen to take myself, the improvement in the way I was feeling was instantaneous the moment I made the decsion to take this course of action. It made me realise that in truth there is NOTHING one can do to stop another person from acting on their own wishes but EVERYTHING one can do to be responsible for one's own actions and reactions.

Helen

[Jake Blues]

Its quite a revelation - and for me has been quite cathartic - to come to terms with the fact that your partner has to make her (or his) own decision and you cannot pursuade or cajole in any way. Whilst this has been enourmously difficult to come to, like you Helen I feel a lot better for it. Instead of worrying so much about what my wife is thinking and doing all the time, I'm trying to focuss on what I can do to improve myself. If this also improves my relationship and encourages my wife to stay, great!. If not, well I'll be a better person anyway... and there's that boat I have always wanted to buy!
As far as snooping or spying, whats the point? I keep coming accross bits of information that maybe suggest there has been more happening than I know regarding recent events, but what difference does it make now? If there are these things in the past, then they will come out eventually. I just need to keep on the path that Kuratti has helped me to find. If there are more revalations to come out, I'll deal with them at the time.
Jealousy is destructive and feeds itself. I try to keep it locked in that cage at the back of my mind where it belongs...

[kuratti]

Jake, I'm glad you're getting an even keel emotionally.

I'm sure your wife is experiencing a wide range of emotions, from one minute to the next. Feeling absolutely justified for going out all the time, feeling guilty for ripping apart her marriage and family, feeling that passion has gone out of your marriage, feeling hopeful, then hopeless, ...

It's the worst rollercoaster you could ever be on. The way to look at it is, if the marriage is to be saved, you have to be the strong one, a rock that she can lean on.

She will say the most horrible things to you, and then later claim to have no memory of saying it. I'm not trying to discount it, but when a person is in such emotional turmoil like your wife is, the emotional swings will be gigantic.

You will see small baby steps of progress and make them larger than they really are, then the backslides occur (worst of all, when you haven't done a single thing wrong, but she still attacks/criticizes you for no reason), and you sink into a pit of despair.

Remember that no matter what she says, until she actually starts taking concrete, legal steps towards separation and divorce, it's a day in favor of marriage, no matter how much anger and despair she shows. Actually, if she showed indifference, I would be worried. It would be major sign that she didn't care about your or your marriage at all. But the emotion shows that she does care about you.

This a battle noone else can fight for her. But by being a strong, caring partner, you give your marriage the best hope for survival.

It's strange that when a marital crisis hits, the person who is in the most turmoil, like you and I, becomes the stronger person as time goes on.

Whether or not she follows through with a divorce, she WILL one day recognize that you are a wonderful, caring husband. The question is whether she realizes that while your marriage is still intact.

I'm writing from the States (did PG work in the UK), but is Relate pro-marriage? I would hate for your marital counselor to provide justification to your wife for divorce during counseling. In the US, counselors vary greatly and you have to do a lot of research and inquiry to find one whose intent is to save the marriage.

[jools]

Hi Kurrati and Jake Blues
Your final point, Kurrati, is one that i've wondered about when I've considered counsellors (including RELATE). It's the one thing that worries me about going to them; whether they'll add credence to a partner's lack of feeling or need to escape a marriage or whether they will focus on saving the marriage (so long as no abuse etc. is involved). Can any UK readers add light to this one please?
Jools.
________
YAMAHA WR450 (http://www.cyclechaos.com/wiki/Yamaha_WR450)

[callow]

I am testamount to that rollercoaster. My husband originally said he was sure he wanted to separate no going back but is very up and down now. He is like a turtle, he keeps sticking his head out, saying he wants to work things out, then a few hours later sticks his head back in and is back to his unemotional self. He has done this three times so far.

It is very hard and I allowed myself in my mind to follow the angry path and I didn't like where it took me so I have decided to stay on the calm, strong path. It is very tough.

We are about to go on a two week holiday as a family next week so hopefully we will have time to talk.


Callow

[Jake Blues]

I hadn't thought of the possibility that a relate counsillor may take the position of supporting my wife's feelings and encourage her to proceed with separating and divorce. I do know that a couple of months ago she went to see a counsellor about her own feelings and confusion. At the time she had been feeling a little more positive and things seemed to be settling a little. However, she seemed to change immediately after the consultation (for the worst from my point of view). It emerged later that the counsellor appeared to have almost encouraged her to accept her feelings as they are and try to reduce her fears about divorcing, saying that lots of people get divorced and live quite happily and find someone else etc, etc. It even extended to some implied criticism of me and they way I have been during the marraige... which seems a bizarre thing for a counsellor to do as any impression she gained of me was purely from what my wife said... and therefor bound to be quite negative...
Our session at relate is tomorrow. It does worry me a little, because I know my wife is still of the opinion that she is still not sure if she WANTS to save our relationship. I understand that Relate is great of you want to save your marraige - but not so good if you dont. We'll see what happens tomorrow and take it from there.
My change in character - which I hope I can keep up - has obviously thrown my wife into turmoil. I think she had a pretty clear way ahead which was divorce, justified by all the "complaints" about me. She is now clearly totally confused and does not know really which way to turn. The last few days have been characterised by her being depressed. I have tried to say that this is understandable and that we should take the days one at a time. There will be up days and down days, but that in time and with a little luck and effort the up days will increase and the down days will reduce. You are right. I have to be a rock through this. My wife is reluctant at this stage to lean on me, but I think she will in time.
For myself, the changes I have already made are resulting in me actually feeling upbeat and good about myself - which I haven't done for a long time. I realised yesterday that I must be careful that this does not become an irritation to my wife - especially at a time when she is feeling down. I told her last night that I can understand if she actually feels angry and bitter towards me. In a way she had her plans laid out, then I come along and mess things up by shifting the ground under her feet. I think it helped to acknowledge this. I am learning to show as much love, tenderness and care as I can without pushing or persuading. I can see my wife now needs love, tenderness and care... I hope soon she will turn to me for it...

[Jake Blues]

Just out of interest, I checked out the UK Relate web site. Their vision is:-

A future in which good couple and family relationships form the heart of a thriving society.


They also state:-
Stable families are the first unit in building unified communities and a stable society

Given this, it would seem odd to encourage family break up when there is basically a good family unit with no problems such as abuse etc and when the only thing wrong is feelings and management of the relationship.

I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

[helenrw200]

From my experiences with relate they do try to promote couples staying together in the main, but when one person goes to see a counsellor alone , then the councellor is bound to only consider the sole client's feelings and may offer advice that is biased as they only have one side of the story, if you see what I mean ?

I think the foremost role of relate is that both partners and children talk things through and reach a decsion that is best for all, which of course in some cases may be seperation or even divorce. I had relationship counselling with them on my own during my present relationship , and it did feel that the counsellor was " on my side ", however in a previous marriage we went as a couple and the feeling I got was much different. she did promote both the downside of marriage as well as the benefits of staying together. I guess the best people to ask would be Relate themselves ?

Regards

Helen

[Jake Blues]

Our first visit to Relate was this morning. Really it was just an introductory meeting where we explained briefly what the problem was, and the counsillor explained that their aim is to help us understand why we feel as we do rather than to encourage us in any direction. I think this is fair enough. If we can understand better why we have the feelings we currently have, then surely we are in a better position to judge which is the right direction to take. We are then deciding on a basis of understanding our feelings rather than just on the feelings themselves - which is surely a better position to be in. I also suspect that if my wife understands her feelings better, she is more likely to conclude that we should keep trying. I may of course be clutching at straws.
I found it quite encouraging. I think the process will be enlightening. perhaps it may not result in us staying together, but if not, I suspect it will make us better able to deal with whatever the result is.

Life is a funny old thing isn't it? Sometimes it seems determined to make things tough on you. Here I am trying to deal with all of this and contain my feelings of jealousy. My wife has just taken my 9 year old daughter and 5 friends to the local swimming pool for her birthday whilst I prepare food for their return. I just discovered that the couple accross the road are going along because thier daughter is going. Their baby son is also going and will be taken in the pool by his dad because his mother won't go in. His Dad is about 25, fit, and a bit of a lad. So my gorgeous wife, who won't currently let me near her, will spend the next hour or so in a swimming pool with the young, fit chap accross the road. Excellent! Just what I need to make me feel better at the moment. Its not really a problem of course and I know really its nothing. But funny how something like this makes your heart sink into your stomach and can change your mood in an instant when you'r going through this. It never rains...
Like has been said several times... its a real rollercoaster of emotion...

[Jake Blues]

Just thought I would update the situation since it is now several weeks since I last posted our story.

This is not certain yet, but I think my wife has decided to stick with it for at least a couple of years - at least until the children are a little older. This does not change the basic problem (ie that after 20 years she has realised she does not love me)... but of course it does give us time. I hope that we can manage to build something together on what we have - something worth keeping and that gives us both what we need.

Of course, I am relieved about this - if it proves to be - but it is a double edged sword. I understand my wife's problem. She doesn't love me and doesn't think she ever really did, and now she has reached an age or stage of life where she yearns (her word) to give the love to someone she does not feel able to give to me. At the same time, I desperately want to be loved as well... but do not want to lose the woman I love very much. But how long can I continue to love someone who doesn't love me?

I have continued to try to improve myself and become the person my wife at least liked / respected ... and loved in a way - even if it wasn't lust. This has been reasonably successful. I feel happier in myself and I think it has helped my wife come to this decision - on the basis that at least if life is pretty good then why throw it away and replace it with the stress and trouble involved in splitting up and in the hope of finding something better. I think she is increasingly thinking that perhaps she is being too idealistic.

We try to take everything one day at a time. That is the main thing. Trying to get away from thinking / talking about it all the time. I think if we can get back to some form of normal day-to-day life, then there is a chance the my wife's feelings for me will grow again. I think its a fairly small hope... but it's there. My wife is very doubtful of this... but even she admits it is possible. I keep pointing out that if this happens it will take a long time and won't happen overnight. As Kuratti said... "Its a marathon... not a sprint".

I am extremely proud of my wife for taking this decision (if it proves to be). She obviously has very strong feelings about here own needs, and yet is prepared to put the needs of our children first. We are a very close family and she cannot bear to hurt the children. I think this is extremely admirable in a world where self-gratification seems the primary motivation for us all.

So who knows...? I'm an eternal optimist and will continue to try to keep things together. One day at a time.

[kuratti]

It's good to see an update from you. You sound so much more confident than from at the start of this crisis.

I'm glad your wife is making progress in talking to you about her feelings and emotions, although I sure it's quite difficult to hear.

Continue to listen and validate and you'll find that she willl feel closer to you as she opens up more and more. Resist any attempts to educate her on her perceptions of the marriage. You and I both know that you didn't have to force her to marry you, but a rationalizing mind plays funny tricks on a person.

This is the hardest part of the journey when you are putting so much effort into improving yourself and seeming to see so little in return. I assure that this is not the case; she is observing and reflecting on everything you do.

Have you been able to spend some time with her, even as part of the family?

Has her frequency of going out to clubs/bars reduced?

Just continue with your self improvements and know that no matter what your wife may decides, you are a worthwhile person and father.

[Jake Blues]

Thanks Kuratti for your support.

I have to confess its tough sometimes. My wife maintains that she doesn't love me and what's worse is that she does not believe that this will change. Whilst we have had discussions in which I have said that this may change, I have decided now that when she says this I should not argue with it. Time will tell if she is right.

The situation is not intollerable. We are reasonably friendly with each other and actually get on quite well most of the time. Undoubtedly my change in character has helped prevent an immediate split and contributed to her decision to remain together for the time being. I think she has concluded that whilst she yearns to give affection to someone, life is otherwise pretty good and throwing it away in the hope of finding someone who will come up to her expectations is not sensible. Even she has admitted she may well be being unrealistic in her expectations. We are spending time together however, and it is on reasonably good terms.

She still goes out to the local pub... though not as much recently simply because of other family commitments. We are also doing more together with friends which helps.

As you say, I just need to continue with my self-improvement... she's bound to realise what a great guy I am at some point... though I think it will take a while!!!
Of course, the question is, how long can I keep up the love and affection when I get so little in return. there may come a point when I decide enough is enough. After all, my wife wants to love... and I wantto be loved...