Marriage without sex?

[mcfrosty]

Ok, this is hard for me to say, as my ego has taken quite a hit in coming here...but ego and pride are on the bottom of the scale when it comes to keeping my marriage alive.

First a little background:

I have been married to my wife for 5 years. We met in college and dated for about a year before marrying. We have a 4 year old son and both work full time.

I love my wife very much and I know she loves me. Infidelity is not even a word in our vocabulary...but I am feeling our relationship drifting apart slowly as the days continue. I hate to sound like the typical "horndog" guy...but we are experiencing some serious intimacy issues and its driving a big wedge between us.

At the beginning of our marriage, as with all relationships, passion and intimacy were never in short supply. Almost every waking moment together was filled with our desire and love for each other. After our son was born, however, things have been different. My wife has been stuck in permanent "mother" mode it seems.

I know that intimacy often drops in levels throughout the duration of the marriage, but ours has almost completely stopped. We used to make love at every opportunity. Now I'm happy if I can coax her into 1 session every 3-4 months...and even then I almost feel like I'm forcing her. She also seems to have reverted back to a sexual "prudeness" all around. She doesn't like talking about it, won't admit to any desire/feelings, can't even mention the anatomy without getting embarrassed.

I have approached her on the subject on several occasions and have always been met with the same defense. She's always too tired, or she's worried about our son walking in on us, or she doesn't feel "good" when I try to do anything.

I still love her very much, but the lack of sex is starting to wear me down. I told her that it didn't matter that much, that we'd try to work around the lack of intimacy, but it is dividing us. I can't even hug her or kiss her genuinely because she thinks I'm trying to "make a move". Any affection is limited to holding hands while watching TV or a movie and a short "peck" on the lips at bed time and as we leave for work.

I am trying hard not to blame her, not to be resentful torwards her, but I feel that feeling growing with time. At the same time, I feel her same reaction of sexual defense every time I mention it and I can tell she's tired of having the same discussions, of fending me off at the first onset of an intimate situation...

I find myself spending more time at work lately, mainly because at home I have to do most of the chores, including listening to my wife whine about how hard her day was and how much she's had to struggle with our son while I was at work (I get off an hour later than she does).

I know that sexless marriages are common, but it is straining our relationship...3-4 times a year just isn't enough. I'm getting to the point where I have to watch pornography and masterbate on a regular interval just to relieve the "tension".

My wife tells me that she is perfectly happy, not depressed, and completely in love with me...but I can't help feeling that it's not so much in the husband role that I first had, but as the father of her child and life-crutch that I am now.

I have tried everything I know to do, short of counseling (because she won't go). I have made every effort to make her feel unburdened, sexy, confident, relaxed, and secure in any conceivable way. None of this seems to help as she is pretty much the exact opposite.

Should I stop caterring to her needs and make her fend for herself, perhaps jumpstarting her life again or should I continue to try and help her gain her sense of "self" gradually.

I'm pretty sure I'm to blame for her state because I bent over backwards for her for so long...she just takes it for granted.

I don't know what to do...and I'm not expecting many responses to this, as I'm just another guy who can't get his wife to have sex with him...but it feels VERY good to get this all off my chest...I've been carrying it around alone for too long.

[jools]

Dear McFrosty
I know exactly what you and your wife are going through because I've been there. I just didn't want to bother with sex after I had my children and my husband suffered years of emotional negelct. I realise now that sex was his way of feeling and showing love. I think it's different for a lot of women. Men make contact through sex whereas women need to feel the contact before wanting sex. I know that I still loved my husband even when I didn't want sex. Also I avoided meaningful kisses and hugs as I assumed they would be construed as me being in the mood for sex. There is nothing unusual in the way that your wife is feeling. Many women go through this. But here's my word of warning. I chose to ignore what was happening. My husband had adored me for 23 years so why should anything change? But it has changed. He has become depressed and says that he no longer feels as though he is in love with me. We have been living in this emotional vaccuum for the last 2 years and he's devastated that he feels like this (as you can guess, I'm not too pleased myself!) I've been willing and able to get our sex life back on track but he seems unwilling or unable.
To quote Cher "If I could turn back time..." but I can't. It's not too late for you. Maybe if she realised that she could kiss and cuddle you without it automatically leading to sex, while you seek help on how to get things back on track. I know it's hard but don't take it too personally, I'm sure she still loves you. I know the "mother mode" feeling. I couldn't switch out of that mode into sexy mode at all. I'm no longer in that mother mode as my children are a lot older now...just hoping it's not too late for me. Good luck X
________
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[Concerned Reader]

Dear McFrosty

Since you have identified this quite early you are more than likely to be able to fix it. The question is how - and you have already identified your best bet is counselling. I know you have said your W won't go, but go on your own because this will act as a 'permission' to eventually discuss the subject together in a controlled environment. This is important, so hang the expense of a month and just go and see if she will follow.

Also, use the particular phrase 'I think I may have a problem'. DO NOT say 'you have a problem'. The former will make it possible to have this discussion, the latter will shut it down and you'll never get it sorted. (What does a pronoun matter between H & W? You can afford this little word if it helps untangle what has gone wrong.)

Just going on what you have written, it isn't possible to say exactly what is going on here, but bear in mind that sex is a very complicated human behaviour and if frequently not about sex at all; it is the proxy for things such as power between individuals. Compare it to eating; dinner isn't just about food or else we wouldn't bother with so much variety and ritual. Compare sex to a formal banquet with its courses, costumes, tableware and conventions, not some survival rations scrabbled out of packet to keep body and soul together.

On one level the therapist will help find ways for your W to get help if her objection really is just about sex. It is far from unknown for there to be a range of hormonal, physical and psychological problems which are nothing whatever to do with the other partner. For example, you W may have decided that pregnancy and motherhood are not experiences she wishes to repeat and that intimacy may lead to a repetition of that. Logical things like the existence of contraception and whether you are quite happy with one child don't get much of a look in against deep-seated instincts like that.

However, a pretty likely explanation (I repeat, I am only guessing here) is that somehow sex has been added to the number of jobs which she has to do. You can see how one might do a thousand things because they are necessary but baulk at that last one, the one you are supposed to enjoy, and think 'no, I don't want to'. Something which should be enjoyable, and certainly was once, has slipped in to the 'unwelcome chore' category.

When this happens there does have to be a deep adjustment in how family duties are divided. I know you said you do most of the chores, but you also said you tended to stay at work to avoid them. At the risk of being unsympathetic, isn't it a little sulky to be hinting that the reason you won't do chores is because your W won't have sex and then hide at work to put the job off or avoid it altoghter? Does the chore go away? Does your W have to pick up the responsibility? You both work full-time and are equally responsible for the child.

Since you have identified the way your W is specifically mentioning her difficulties with the child-care in the gap between nursery and your home-coming, tell the counsellor about it and make very careful notes of who does what around the house. My guess is that this is not about childcare but about how it symbolizes some perceived unfairness. I don't know if the situation is really unfair; I'm not there with a stopwatch and a list of negotiated jobs. So long as the division is perceived as unfair, your W is unlikely to want to have sex.

I could easily be completely wrong about all of this, so speak to a counsellor on your own behalf and try to work out what is really going on here.

My best wishes to you.

[mcfrosty]

Wow, I never realized the true depth of this forum until reading these two replies...


You bring up some very valid points CR. I know my W often thinks of sex as a chore, not an interaction of love and intimacy that it once was.

Our child is away visiting other family for the next two weeks. We'll see how the perceived chores change during this time as I plan on doing nothing different than before. I have talked to my W again about counseling, but she won't hear it. I suppose our first step will have to be MY first step.

I have always tried to keep my W from being overwhelmed with the duties of motherhood and woman and wife...perhaps I've been taking certain assumptions for granted.

All I know is that something has got to happen soon, as our lack of intimacy is leading to lack of communication, which almost inevitably leads to lack of love...

I'll keep in touch.
I appreciate your posts and thank you for your caring.