Please help, torn between husband and daughter!

[Nicky]

I will try and keep this as brief as possible, but apologise in advance if I ramble on a bit!

My husband and I have been married for 26 years and have a daughter of 18 who is expecting a baby in early October. She has a very loving partner who she was planning to marry in the summer of next year. My husband, who has very strong beliefs, thinks they should marry before the baby is born but I think they should wait until she has delivered the baby and then proceed with the wedding arrangements as originally planned.

My husband is putting a lot of pressure on my daughter to marry but she feels it will all be too much for her and wants to concentrate on the baby for the time being. Although I understand and agree, up to a point with what my husband is saying I do also believe that it is wrong to force someone to marry before they are ready as I think it will lead to resentment in the future. When I try to talk to my husband about this he thinks I am taking my daughter's side against him and when I talk to my daughter she thinks I am taking my husband's side against her! What do I do? I feel like going away for a few days and letting them get on with it and hopefully they can both talk about how they feel and somehow manage to sort things out.

I am finding this extremely difficult to deal with as my daughter is in a very vulnerable condition i.e. very hormonal and tearful and I think it is the wrong time to be making these kinds of decisions.

Although I love my husband very much I dont agree with him putting pressure on her like this!

Please could you give some advice as to what I could do, I'm at the end of my tether!

Im sorry if Im rambling on!

Nicky

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Nicky

Would it be possible to get the intervention of a respected person - probably a priest similar - to speak to your H?

I don't imagine that the person will say anything different to what you have said, because this is just one of those cases where people are going to have to agree to differ about the best order of business.

You wrote:

"Although I understand and agree, up to a point with what my husband is saying I do also believe that it is wrong to force someone to marry before they are ready as I think it will lead to resentment in the future."

Actually, the situation is clearer than that. Forced marriage is not wrong only because it is a bad idea in the long run - it's illegal. A forced marriage is essentially null.

In any case, I would expect a registrar or any licenced priest to refuse to perform a marriage where they are not convinced of the full and free consent of either party.

For reference, see this week's Times Law Supplement and read the briefing documents on http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/comrace/race/forcedmarriage/

Ethnicity doesn't matter - forced marriage is wrong, period. Your H is going to have to learn to live with the fact that your D is an adult, she can choose to marry when she likes and your H can either smile nicely or sulk. That is the extent of his choice in this matter. He'd be better off with a smiley face as they look better on Granddads, but if he wants to scowl, that's his affair.

But you were asking what you can do. Acknowledge your H's beliefs are being challenged, as are your own. When this happens with people outside the family it is fairly easy to accept that adults can do as they choose up to the limit of the law. After that, we can choose to go along with their choices or not as we see fit. The same courtesy and respect for another adult's choice is going to have to be extended inside the family.

I don't know if there is anything you can do to get your H to come to terms with the fact that he is not in authority in this situation, but it might be worth having a quiet word with the midwife. Midwives and GPs are responsible for the care of their patient and her baby and generally take a dim view of anyone whose behavior presents a threat to the patient's health. Sometimes they are able to say things as professional carers which members of the family cannot say.

Your H has got to put the well-being of your D and her baby first, and if that means holding his tongue even though he disapproves of her choice, that is what he must do.

However, the one thing I wouldn't do is go away for a few days and hope they sort it out between them. This is this is the rare case where what your H feels is irrelevant, no matter how deeply he feels it. He's not pregant. He comes second. Your D cannot, and should not, be expected to cope with what is essentially his problem. She cannot solve it for him because the issue is not her obedience but his lack of respect for her autonomy. Far from sorting it out, there is likely to be a nasty split with people saying things they might later deeply regret.

In summary:

i) Ask the priest/midwife/doctor to explain that there isn't going to be a wedding. When your D wants a wedding, then there will be a wedding. Everybody will be jolly happy at that point and it will be best if everyone stays on talking terms. In the meantime, we don't want any risk of emotional upset because that is bad for the baby.

ii) Reduce the risk of emotional upset by separating H and D as required. If H cannot be polite, he will have to be silent.

iii) Consider asking H to have some counselling, possibly in a joint setting with yourself. He has to come to terms with your D's adulthood. The immature attitude of accusing you of 'taking sides' when all you are doing is respecting an adult's right to make their own decisions suggests that it will be difficult to have these discussions in the coming years. If you are all to be a happy family, he will have to adjust to the changing roles which are going to happen, with or without his approval.

You have my sympathy, especially as this is a problem which simply does not have to exist. I have no idea why your H would go looking for pointless things to have an argument over.

Your H has, God willing, a new life to meet, the prospective wedding of your D to a chap you appear to approve of, and a wife who loves him. I don't care to indulge his fit of pique because the world has not arranged itself to suit his preferred timetable. He's lucky to be where he is, and the sooner he gets on with counting his multitude of blessings, the better off you will all be.

I know a dozen mourners who would pay to swap places with him.