How do l let go ?

[Tery]

Married for 23 years. 9 (nine) childsren. All was well, or so l thought. she had an affair 2 years into our marriage, l found out, she came back l forgave. Lasy year it now materialises she met up with him again, they been seeing each other on and off. In September she told me to get out, l refused so she left wiith the younger kids. In April she told me that she had been seeing him, that weekend he mobed in, hes still there. And l not allowed round there to see kids. problem is ol still love her, l have tried hating her, l have tried everything l read on here and what the counsellor told me. How do i let go. I love her so much. I been sending her flowers and stuff. II asked her to come back, but she says maybe one day, she believes in fate, l cannot move on until l know. HELP !!!!!!

[Tery]

Also, she wants to stay friends, l cant do that, for me its marriage or nothing, l know it may take time to rebuild, l admit we drifted apart a bit. I have asked her if she will go on a date, she said yes, but although l hate this other guy, l cannot go on a date if he does not know, they cheated on me, does not mean l have to cheat on them, two wrongs don't make a right. I am so confudsed, l know she is a cow, but l love her, how do l let go. Its no good saying move on, l cant, its no good saying, you'll meet someone elkse, l wont, dont ask why, trust me that is not possible. Hoew do l lewt go of the love??

[Tery]

It seems no one has an answer???

[Kate]

Dear Tery



If you don't want to take those steps but want to meet up with her then go ahead. It's up to her whether she tells the other man. She is still your wife, so it's not actually up to him.



There does come a time when you do have to move on. You have been separated since last September. Your family is split in two. Perhaps it's time to sort out some sort of legal separation or divorce, so that you can clarify what is happening to the children. You should be allowed to see them - if you can't go there then she should arrange to bring them to you somewhere.



You say that you can't move on, but sadly you may not have a choice. If she is determined not to get back with you, you will have to come to terms with that fact. I'm not saying stop loving her. Many divorced people still love their ex wives or husbands. Like you they haven't had a choice in the matter.



It's not quite the same as with a child but in one sense you can learn a bit about letting go through the experience of children growing up and not needing you anymore. It is a painful bereavement process and that is what you are going through now.



The trouble with divorce and bereavement is that often you don’t want to accept the situation, but you can’t change it. Bereavement is a process and you do come through it in the end despite the pain.



I hope that you can find a way to talk to your wife and sort out some way of seeing the children. I suspect that is what she is saying when she says she wants to be friends. She doesn’t want to stop you from seeing the children. When you say it’s marriage or nothing, you are not facing up to the reality of the situation. If you want to keep in touch with the children then you need to build some sort of harmonious relationship with your wife.



Perhaps this isn’t what you want to hear, but that’s the way it is.

Kate

[Tery]

Thanks Kate.
I know you are right, just difficult. I feel she is getting everything her own way, she wants to be friends and no more, by me seeing the kids we need to keep a good relationship, a friendly one, she therefore gets me as a friend, I find that bit so difficult, l am doing it for the kids sake, but that not make it any easier.