alone

[helenrw200]

I don't think I have ever felt so alone, I think I'll just take the tablets and have done wit it, thanks to all those who tried to help, but I was beyond help. This depression is killing me slowly and I don't want a slow death . I am so grateful to all thosw who supported me, and I'm sorry for failing you all.

Helen

[Liz]

Hey Helen,

Please don't do anything rash. There is a future worth having once you have come through the worst of this present pain.

Liz

[callow]

Hi Helen

I am sorry you are feeling so down tonight.

This is a little quote that has helped me during bad times.

"When you feel that you have reached the end and that you cannot go one step further, when life seems to be drained of all purpose: What a wonderful opportunity to start all over again, to turn over a new page. (http://www.cybernation.com/quotationcenter/quoteshow.php?id=51218)"

Eileen Caddy

My thoughts are with you.

Callow

[jools]

Helen, I'm no counsellor but saw your post and just had to respond. PLEASE don't do any thing like that! How you feel now is as bad as it gets...which means that it will get better. Give yourself a chance. PLEASE!
________
R80rt (http://www.cyclechaos.com/wiki/BMW_R80RT)

[Jacks]

Helen,

Remember you are not alone, I know how you feel! I felt like this a year ago when my h left me and 3 teen boys! I lost weight, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, I never thought that my heart could hurt so much and just thinking about getting on with life was unthinkable! But hey I did it and many of us here have is well, so we know you will make it is well! The only way now is up, you can't get down any further! We are all hear for you, give it a chance!

Keep talking to us, I know I haven't been writting much lately, but I am reading the forum every day!

Jacks
x

[Hope]

Helen,

I echo everyone elses posts.... it feels like a pain you've never experienced before.... it feels as though it will never go away and that life isn't worth living. I know how you feel. Many of us here may appear as though we just cope and that we are strong but believe me we've ALL had and still do have very low moments.

Don't give up the fight. Things will get easier.... time does help. I can't believe that its been nearly a year since my H left me and the children and yet now I don't feel the same towards my H - I have finally detached myself from him and I'm ok on my own now. I know you can't imagine feeling happy again but you will.

Any way why give your partner the satisfaction of driving you over the edge. Why not show him that he's just not worth it. Someone else will love you again and you'll be so glad you kept going.

Go to the doctors and get some help. Why not try counselling...... I did this and it really, really helped me come to terms with my situation. I know you feel so low you don't want to do anything because I felt that way sometimes..... don't cope alone.... you need people to talk to and a counsellor would really help you right now.

Anyway I'd better go now.

Take care of yourself and we are ALL thinking about you and understand what you're going through.

Hope x

[Michelleo]

Dear Helen

You are a strong, kind person with a good heart, you have talked to and had
helpful, hopeful words for other people on this web site including myself ...
PLEASE , PLEASE don't do anything drastic, a man or any person is not worth harming yourself over, I know it is very very painful right now but it will get easier with time.. You need to start doing things for yourself , as suggested
earlier go to a counsellor they are usually very good listeners, find a support group in your city where you live, and yes do phone up some old friends and/or
family and start going out again or chatting with them, go for walks and you had said in one of your earlier posts about doing volunteer work,, go for it !!!
Believe me the more you start doing for yourself you will feel better about YOU and YOU are #1..... not some man who has to hide his phone and get angry at you for questioning him, he is the person who is insecure and afraid and weak..

From an earlier post I belive you have a 15 year old child , please put him and yourself 1st.....

PLEASE PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND DON'T DO ANYTHING TO HARM YOURSELF........

Michelle

[helenrw200]

Thanks all for the kind and encouraging words. I had reached a low point again, it has happened before and last time I did take an overdose, this time I didn't, instead I hit the bottle. I sometimes feel, not so much that I want to die, but that I am just so very tired of living. Slowly I am starting to feel more " normal " and I do have an appointment tomorrow with my GP. My problems haven't vanished along with my hangover but I do feel more in control.
I've ,surprisingly,done a lot of thinking in my inebriated state and decided that the only way I am going to be me , if not happy, is to stop the destructive behaviour . I have told my partner that I will stop checking up on him, if you look hard enough you can always find something that distresses you and that's what I was doing. It does mean that I have taken a step back, withdrawn if you like and that I now care that little bit less, but unfortunately it is the only way, he knows that, not sure if he will accept it but to be truthful, it really isn't my problem any longer. If he chooses to be unfaithful , then that is his choice, I can neither stop him nor be responsible for that. He knows that even though I will no longer check up on him, if I discover he has been it will be the end of the relationship, a full stop.

I feel I have made some dear friends on this forum , that we have all been brought together with a common cause and I hope that in some small way I've helped, I know I have had more help and support from the people here than I ever got from" real life" friends and family , they seem always so ready to judge that I rarely confide in them now.

I just really wanted to thank you all and let you know that I'm still around. so.............thankyou.

Helen

[disbelief]

Dear Helen,

You certainly gave us a scare. Thanks for touching base again and letting us know you're alright. I'm also glad to hear that you're taking care and control of yourself and visiting your GP. Speaking of control, you're absolutely right that you can't make your partner's behaviour your responsibility. I came to terms with that a few weeks ago and I have since rebounded as I'm sure you will in time.

I hope you stick with this forum because you're right - e-friends having gone through similar experiences can sometimes be more supportive than family who have not. But please keep your real-life friends and family close, as I'm sure intentions are mostly good even if the judgements may not always be.

Take care, and let us know how you get along.

Disbelief

[sophsl]

Hi Helen, I don't know if you are a christian or even believe in God, but I have felt the same way that you do.

My husband and I have been separated for 4 mths and in the earlier stages there were so many emotions, anger, hurt, low-self-esteem. I have a 4yr old son and I think that is what hurt most of all.

The worse thing you can do is try to find out what your husband is hiding or doing. It hurts you more when you know. When you know everything it is all out in the open and he can now flaunt everything in your face. God hides things from us for a reason, when we don't know too much, it is easier to forgive and what we don't know can't hurt us. I had to learn that the hard way, after breaking into my husband's email and finding a message from him to the OW "a christian" and her response. Don't talk about anything or confide in anyone, because yet again, everyone knows and he would not need to hide and because of being shamed, pride will make it hard to return.

This website helped me tremendously
http://www.restorem.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index

I now have such joy and peace, people who ask me how I am, can't seem to understand that I am genuinely ok. Yes it will still hurt, but your entire focus will not be on your husband and you will not be constantly feeling devastated and depressed. The bible tells us "cursed is the man who stands in the way of the sinner" and if "the unbelieving depart, let him go". You will find that the more you chase him and beg him, the more he will want to get away from you. Fake it until you make it... pretend you don't give a heck about him, don't call him unless it involves blood (lol)..., if you have caller id and he calls, let your son take the call or the answering machine. Try that for about 2 wks and fill your time with reading (the resources from the website above are great material). I guarantee, if you start applying the principles contained in the materials and "Let your husband go". He will return to you. I am sure you would prefer he return on his own accord than to return because of guilt or coersion. God bless you!!. The storm will rage, but with Jesus in the vessel you can smile at the storm. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try the site above, it is not my website, but I feel your hurt and your pain and I know there is a better way.

[surferdude]

Helen,



You know I can remember thinking things would never be better but there is always more life left to live and you can do what ever you want with it. I am sure life will be different than it was or is now but sometimes different is exactly what you need.

[helenrw200]

Hi surferdude

I'm sure you're right, unfortunately , clinical depression makes it hard to appreciate this, however my GP has now changed my meds and I am hopeful they will work, if not I have asked to be referred to a specialist . As to my relationship, well as I said previously I have taken a step back and am very much of the attitude that what will be etc . I have determined that I need to stop worrying about what he is up to and with whom and concentrate on taking control of my own life, doesn't mean I have stopped loving him, but I really think I care that little bit less. His loss. Thanks for the words of encouragement.
Helen

[helenrw200]

Hi sophsl

Unfortunately, I am an atheist , so it is impossible for me to find solace in any form of religion. I appreciate the sentiment though, so thankyou for that.

My low self esteem coupled with my illness have made me prone to suspicion almost to the point of paranoia and it is this which I am working on. I don't know if my suspicions were unfounded and as of a few days ago, I'm not interested in finding out. As I said before, I am not and WILL not be responsible for his actions, I can only be responsible for my own, and so this is what I intend to do, if he feels a lack of caring from me, then so be it, self preservation is the only way I can now survive. I have had to develop a shell to do this, and sadly that is the side effect of it.

Thankyou for your kind comments, I appreciate all the supportive messages I have received .

Helen

[Lovey]

Helen I just saw this and it scared the **** out of me. Don't you dare be thinking thoughts like this. We can get through whatever is given to us.. we only have to be patient and work at it!

PS I'm an Athiest as well and I still think these thoughts! You can make it! You start taking care of you, and let him worry about him. HUGS