my wife wants me to leave my home

[lazza121]

My wifwe and I have 4 dependent children and I am the only bread winner in the home. we have recently moved to a 5 bed house and my wife has been treated for the last 9 months for post natal depression. She blames me for a family dispute between my parents and her and she wants nothing to do with my parent s and wont let my 4 children have any contact with their kind and considerate grand parents. She, my wife, had an absolutely diabolical upbringing with her drunken dad and phsyciatric mental mother and divorced parents fighting and feuding all through her life.

She announced 2 days ago that if i dont leave, and laeve her in the home with the 4 children that she will get a court order to get me out. I havent abused her or my children physically, emotionally or sexually, yet she thinks she can cope when she cant.
Can any one help me here????????????????????????

[callow]

I am sorry you are in this position.

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but it might be that your wife is mentally ill. Post natal depression can turn into a psychotic illness. If you are in the UK I would contact your Health Visitor, you can get the number from your GP. Express your concerns to them and they will visit her.

It might be she has other concerns. but still I don't think she can get a court order. However she might make something up to get you out so I would watch out.

Callow

[lazza121]

I think that you are right, she can be so unpredictable, Ive been to my gp today to get it all on record..something i should have done a long long time ago. I ve been told not to leave the home or she can do me for desertion? I think things cant get any worse now, because i now discover that shes left me in an empty house because she wants space to sort her haed out, took my 4 children and is now staying with a married couple. I think you may b right she may be planning a " im frightened for my life " bit......

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Lazza

Things seem to have become very over-heated here and the main thing is not to react in a way which might increase the tension.

So leave aside any dispute for the moment about whether your children will or will not have contact with grandparents. At this stage, your W needs support, not an argument. If she disapproves of contact, that wish is to be complied with until it can be discussed in a more positive atmosphere. My guess is that this is an issue of control, and it just happens to have focussed on the grandparents.

With regard to the post-natal depression; the best person to speak to would be the doctor. The doctor cannot comment on your W because of patient confidentiality, but they can listen. If your doctor thinks your W cannot cope, they will decide what to do about that. But please note; PND does not mean incapable; if you are the sole wage earner, that presumably means that your W is coping with four children while you are at work.

You have mentioned the house has 5 bedrooms. Would it be possible to put a pair of the children togther and temporarily move yourself in to one of the rooms? Not ideal, but it may get enough heat out of the situation to let everyone calm down. Explain to your W that it isn't practical for you simply to move out since that would mean switching money away from the house and family in to expensive short-term accommodation. This is not in her interests.

Fairly quickly, take legal advice on the procedure that your W would have to follow if she wishes to get a court order. Your W is fully entitled to research this on her own behalf and either of you can visit the Citizens' Advice Bureau as the first office of enquiry. http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/family_parent/family.htm

You need to speak to a lawyer about whether a court order could be made as the general advice only covers areas such as abuse. If you do move in to a separate room, put in writing that you are doing so only as a way of co-operating in a difficult atmosphere and that you don't wish it to be misunderstood as a separation. (This is just a technical point, but it does need to be covered as it is possible to be separated but living in the same property.)

Right at the moment, though, the most important thing is to resist any inclination to argue no matter how justified you may be. If you argue, this will be like chucking petrol on a fire. It won't put the trouble out and it will make things worse. It must be very hurtful to have your W in dispute with your parents, but if push comes to shove, your W has to know that you will take her side, even if you happen to disagree with her.

If your W has coped with child number 4 and moving house in the past year, then she has my sympathy and admiration. Remember that it is generally acknowledged that moving house is only marginally less stressful than coping with a death. No matter how good the housing, the actually process of moving is inherently upsetting.

I hope things begin to calm down in a few days and then it may be possible for you and your w to get some help with communicating again.

[disbelief]

Hi Lazza,

Concerned Reader has a lot of excellent, excellent points. I think the key here is also to tread lightly but consult with a lawyer ASAP (you can do this in confidence). There are so many ways that a spouse can be "disposed of" it's frightening. Abuse allegations and abandonment are the two big ones. I know that where I live if you leave the house for more than 24 hours without mutual consent you can be charged with abandonment and the locks can be changed (again, your lawyer can cover what to do here).

The law almost always side with the mother in a household unless you have irrefutable proof that you have done nothing wrong. I know it sounds harsh, but you have every right to be paranoid (I've been there). I would document with your lawyer her abandoning YOU with the children in case push comes to shove. I assume you didn't "agree" with her decision to take the kids and run? To CR's point, don't be goaded into a heated argument, as this is often used as a tactic to incite threats or threatening behaviour that can be used against you (ie. "frightened for my life bit"). But if harsh words have been passed by both parties at this point, I wouldn't dwell on it too much provided threats have been left out (hopefully this is indeed the case for both parties).

Try to separate the person from the condition, no matter how hard it is. Hopefully, your love, dedication and patience will win the day and encourage your W to reflect on her behaviour. Do you have a good relationship with her parents? Are they aware of the entire situation and could they also act as a support mechanism for both of you? This may be a tricky area as speaking with them may be perceived as "underhanded" by your W - I guess you will need to be the judge on whether this is a good avenue to explore. Ultimately, she will need to realize the issues herself - all you can control is how you can support without pushing too much while protecting yourself.

I wish you all the best - I know how painful this must be.

Take care,

Disbelief

[steven dixon]

hello, me and my wife are going through a bad time at the moment, we have just been on a turkey holiday which went badly wrong, we had a hugh arguementwhich led her to leave turkey without me, we have had problems in the past as we seem to clash after occasional accesive drinking.
she has left the home before and was given an council tenancy, we then got back together and she signed her council property over to her mother as her mother was homeless.
i feel like the situation was planned all along to get her mother a council property and to try and make me homeless.
we do have two children in which we both adore.
we are not arguing and as stated above, only once every blue moon after accesive drinking.
can she make me leave?
i have no family or friends to go toand now no money!
please help.