My wife's spiteful reactions

[Warren]

My wife and I have two chiildren, a boy aged 2 & a girl aged 1. It's not easy at the moment as our daughter has glue ear and our son just will not settle in the evenings so we are constantly suffering from lack of sleep.

My wife stays at home and cares for our children and I work full time and long hours. She does a fantastic job looking after them but occassionaly I will have a problem with something she does or the state of the home. Now dont get me wrong, I know it is practically ipossible to keep a tidy home with two children but having said this I have alwasy felt if you have time to go out with your friends etc you have time to quickly wash up etc. I dont expect her to do all the work, in fact I will often come home and do the cooking, bath the children, sort the washing out and put them to bed etc.

The main problem is she doesnt seem to to understand that whilst yes I am the father, I am responsible to an employer and cannot afford to be late or too exhausted to work because I have been up all night with the children. If I loose my job then we are in trouble. It's not that I don't want to help more, because I do, but unlike my wife I cant just turn to my boss and say I'm going to atke a half hour break whenever I feel like it!

The other problem is she will often not admit to anything she may have said or done wrong, it often takes a full blown argument to even get her half heartedly admit to this. It often feels like I am am arguing with a teenager, as she will come back with all sorts of stupid remarks, or drag up what I may ahve done wrong in the past or say things like "You are never wrong are you?" when I will often stand there and say "look I know I should have done this etc etc and for that I am sorry" and then go on to the point I was trying to make. The most hurtfull thing is she will often resort to spiteful comments, like "I dont love you", "I want a divorce", or "I'm an embarresment" etc etc. It's when it gets to this stage I start feeling the tears and anger rising and whilst I am ashamed to admit it I have occasionally been so hurt, upset and angry by these comments I have pinned her against the wall etc shouting and asking her why she continues to say such spiteful things to me.

I know there is no excuse for such action by myself, but when she hurts me in such a way I just loose control. I cant bear the thought of loosing my children, no matter how much they drive me nuts at the moment, she threatens to take them away from me, and I will often counter this by claiming I will fight for them all the way etc.

I just dont know what to do anymore! Surely as her husband and the father I have a right to comment when I feel something is asmiss, granted not constantly but within reason? She says I'm always on her case, which I guess could be seen to be true if you look at it as I do, whereby I am constantly complaining about the same thing time again, everything anyone says seems to go through one ear and out the other, and thos of us who make comment often end up prooved right, not all the time granted but a good majority of the time.

God!!! that felt good getting it out there. If anyone can help please reply.

:confused:

[Kate]

Dear Warren

There have been big changes in your life if you have two small children. Their arrival puts strain on both of you and your relationship has to change. I remember our eldest never seemed to stop crying for eleven months, including most of the night.



As a mum I was ragged. Yes I still went out to see my friends but I had to do that to stay sane. I felt distant from my husband because my body had changed and I didn't quite understand how to cope with these tiny exhausting creatures needing my attention day and night. From where I was standing it seemed like my husband was lucky to escape to work and i wanted him to do his fair share when he came home. I wondered did he still love me. Could we go on? Would things get better. They did the eldest is now 22, but I can still remember some of the pain and confusion of those early years.



I didn't know how to tell my husband what I was struggling with, my fears and self doubts.



In the end we were lucky and went on a Marriage Encounter ( http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/marenhres/meang/ ) weekend and discovered how to communicate better and understand each other better. We recognised that we had been going through a stage of disillusionment, where our hopes for life had been disappointed and it was painful. We found hope and a way forward that is far better than allowing the anger and frustration to take over.



I’d really recommend something like Marriage Encounter. It’s not about counselling – it’s about helping you to communicate and see all that you have going for you together.



You may also find some of the tips here ( http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/ ) helpful, especially the ones about how to STOP destructive behaviours and build positive ones. Why not have a look and see if you can break the vicious circle you’ve got trapped in by acting differently.



Kate