Please Help!!!!

[Veronica]

Hello everyone...i'm new to this...it is the first time i've ever used a forum...Please help me...i'm lost...

I love my husband with every bit of me. We have been married for 3 years, and for approximately 70% of that time he has been away with the military. We have been together for a total of 8 years, however we are still young. Hi is 29 and I am 26. We have no children but have always spoken of having them with much excitement. We have struggled very much from the beginning...not as a couple, but with life in general. I have been a university student for the last 6 years, (it takes 6 years to become a teacher in Canada...2 degrees), and have always worked as well. He has worked several jobs, has been on unemployment twice, and has only recently realized his career path and began to pursue it. 3 months after we were married he left for 1 year as a reserve member of the Canadian Forces to train in Winnepeg, Manitoba for 6 months and then directly to Bosnia for 6 months on a peacekeeping mission. Throughout this time away it seemed that our love strengthened, our friendship grew and our marriage blossomed more than I could have imagined. He returned and was on unemployemnt from Sept to Apr. In April he left for the summer to train away from home. We saw each other on weekends and some evenings. In september he returned to unemployment, occasionally working for his brother. He also decided to submit his paperwork to join the military full time as a photographer. He loves it and is very good at it. Often times however, during his time at home I let him know that I would support him in anything he wished to do, whether military, school, anything. However, in january he began working as a photographer full time for the military here at home. It was also at this time that his paperwork for Air Force photographer was accpeted. We prepared for him to leave in Feb. The training is a 19 hour drive away from home and he would be gone until October. I was ecstatic for him...he seemed genuinely happy with the way things were going. He came home for a visit in March and everything was wonderful. We planned his next visit for this month. It has come and gone, unfortunately. While he was home, I knew that something was not right. 2 days into his visit, he told me that he has no feelings...that he has nothing left to give. I was (am) stunned. He said he needed to be alone, to sort out his thoughts. I told him that I love him more than anything...i read him passages from a journal that I keep for him when he is away...expressing how proud I am of him, how much I love him and miss him. It didn't move him. He left to return 2 days later, and calls me everyday. He has since told me that he loves me, that if anything were to happen to me he would be heartbroken, but that he doesn't think we're IN love. I told him that I am very much IN love with him. He said he needs time to see if we should still be together...to see if he's been feeling like this for a long time and ignoring it, or if it is as sudden as he originally thought. I am at a loss. Everything in my life has been done with him by my side, and vice versa. Everything I do is for our future together...for our future children...not just for me. He knows that I will support him in anything he chooses, and if that means scrapping the military and starting from scratch, so be it. I love him for what was, is and will be. I am scared. I wanted to fly out this weekend, but he said no. He said he needs to be alone to sort through his thoughts. He has also refused to speak with a counsellor or padre about this. I'm fearful that he is distancing himself further emotionally. What do I do...I want to fight for this marriage, but I don't know how...please...i need advice.

[RON]

Have you asked him if he is involved with someone else? I don't want to be the one to break your heart further but it has been my experience that when a partner looses interest in his/her significant other, it's usually because of someone else. People who need to find themselves have usually found someone else. Ask him to come clean and if that's the problem then let him go. I can tell by reading your post that you can be someone very special for a man's life and if your husband doesn't appreciate that or want it then move on with your life and seek happiness with another. I wish you all the best in the world. Ron

[Veronica]

Thank you Ron...

Because I trust him so, the thought did not surface until the day following everything. I did ask him, and he said no, and I believe him. I truly think that he would tell me, and end it then and there. He is a pretty straight forward person. In some way I feel that it would almost be easier if that were the case...it would at least provide me with a reason for why he's feeling this way...i have gone through that in the past. I dated another man in the military before my Husband...(I was VERY young, and he was 13 years older) and he was unfaithful to me. My biological father also left my mother, myself and my sister alone when I was 5 for another woman...he too was a military man. I'm not sure what my point is...except that he is very different from the two mentioned above. We made an agreement when we were still dating that if either found another we would automatically tell the other. However...from reading the other post's Im not sure what to think...I trust him with all of my heart...and because of our distance apart I have to trust that he is doing what needs to be done for him. I am just so confused...I will wait forever though...any other thoughts/advice? Thank you so much for your response...when I saw it...it made me feel less alone.

[helenrw200]

Veronica, I'm not sure what to say, it saddens me to think of you feeling so alone and down.
Please , please keep posting, sometimes just writing things down can help, it gets things out of your mind and it helps.

Maybe he feels that it isn't fair on you with him being away so much ? I don't know, but it's possible isn't it ?

Helen

[RON]

Veronica, please print these posts and show them to your husband. He's being very unfair to a wonderful loving wife and you don't deserve this. If he's willing to get counseling then I think there's hope but if he refuses I think there's more to the story. Ask him to please love you or let you go. Please keep us informed and we'll stand by you. Ron

[Veronica]

Hi Helen...thank you for your response. I wish I knew...I really, really do. We're so close to being where we worked so hard to get...he's being posted in September...and he said last night that he'd rather figure this out now then when we're on the other side of the country and i'm all alone...or when we have a baby. I just love him so much...and we do so much together...we camp, we fish, we walk, we talk, we laugh...but of course there are differences too...he is very much into music, and truthfully i couldn't tell you what's out there...with my schedule I don't have time...I mean I like music but I am a pop-culture ignoramous...as well, what he likes differes from what I like, so we've always listened to a mixture when we're together, say in the car. Another confusing factor (i'm not sure if i posted this already) is that we fight very little, and when we do it is about silly little annoyances...and even then, we say our piece and that's it...we don't bring up something that happened 4 years ago...etc. However, becuase we have been distanced geographically often you don't mention those little annoyances becuase you know the time you have together is so short...has he been holding a lot in over the last 8 years? I just don't know...I do know that he is my life...and I will fight with every breath for this marriage...If only I knew how to do that...

So Lost...

[Veronica]

Thank you Ron...He is not willing to talk to anyone right now...not a counsellor or a padre...and to be honest, if he knew I was making use of this forum I know he would be uncomfortable with it...which is just who he is, and that's ok. I respect that. I can't give him an altimatum...although he did say last night that he would "unsterstand if I said that's it then"...but i'm not willing to make that choice for him...I just need to help him...he too is struggling...he told me he is hurting...and he says that it's hurting him, knowing that i'm hurting...I just need to know how to go about helping him through this...helping US through this...i've already been a part of one divorce as a child...I can't be a part of one as a wife...I don't think I have the strenght...i will fight for him...i just need to know how without pushing him away...

[helenrw200]

Hi Veronica, he may have felt that he couldn't burden you with things and spoil the short times you had to spend together, but you really need to ask him this . It maybe that he doesn't even know himself why he is feeling this way and needs some time to think his thoughts through. I know it's very painful for you, but really all you can do right now is keep telling him you love him and let him have the space he needs.

Ron has a point, write down your love for him, let him know that the distance hasn't been a problem for you and that you accept it because you love him and know it isn't forever . If this is what has been bothering him, it may set his mind at rest . tell him that although you understand his need to be alone right now , you will be there for him and that he can tell you anything. Maybe this will be enough to remind him of the love you share ?

Take care
Helen

[Veronica]

Thank you so much Helen...I don't know what i would do without this site...I have spoken to a couple of my closest friends, and my family, but they're not experiencing it right now, and I am their priority...it's so wonderful to have an objective party...thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The things you have mentioned are what I have been doing thus far...it's just so darn difficult...but I can't get angry...maybe that would be easier...i'm not sure. It hurts so much knowing that he's hurting too...and i can't be there to hug him and show him how much i love him...that scares me...that he may be distancing himself further to make the decision to leave easier? but i don't want to jump to conclusions, and I do need to trust him...that he knows what's best for him, and for us...i'll just keep praying...

Veronica

[Valerie]

Veronica, I am sorry you are feeling this way. I just want you to know that there is hope and you have to accept what is going to happen even if it is not what you want. It's hard to force love even if you know you had something so strong at once. Nothing is gauranteed. What I can suggest to you is to continue to be supportive throughout this tough time for the both of you. Express to him your love and express how it is unfair to you when you have dedicated so much of your young years to this relationship. Analyze the possibilities with him of what can happen if you choose to seperate and how it can hurt things more unless he is truly ready for this. You have to allow some time for thinking too. Everybody needs some time to think and everybody goes through changes in life that make you feel that what you wanted once before may not be the same right now. Also, think about yourself and express to him that he has always been the one you wanted and trusted in life, but the moment he decided to casually say he has no feelings he lost his dedication to this relationship. He is quitting and this demonstrates weakness. Do you want to have children with a man that can walk out the door? Think about what this can do to you in the future and how you will probably feel insecure now that he has made this decision. I don't want to scare you, but I would like for you to value yourself and your commitment as a woman. Do not show your weakness at this point. Maybe he needs to see your strengths and the power of a good woman. Your years dedicated to this are not to be shat on. Patience is good, communication, and support. But by all means roll with the punches. Do we have a choice after having children that we don't want this anymore? Can we walk away from a terminal disease? A marriage is a commitment and whatever he feels he lost then he needs to find it or let you move on to find a stronger and emotionally intelligent individual.

[Veronica]

Well...he has told me that he does not want to be in this marriage any longer. I have always been the one to deal with things, IE finances etc. I am also the type of person where if something needs to get done, it has to get done quickly. Becuase my love for him, and my desire for his happiness is so intense, I have taken it upon myself to get aquainted with the divorce process, and set him free. I just don't know how to move on...i don't want to go anywhere becuase I know that so many places will remind me of him...my home is no longer my home...i look at my finger and see my wedding band...i look on our walls and see our pictures...his clothes in the closet, his toothbrush in the washroom...shaving material above the sink. How do you emotionally separate yourself from the one person that you vowed to spend the rest of your life with? that you set goals with, that you planned your future with? I just don't understand. I do not want anything from him, except help to pay off the debts we have incured over the years. My question is to you all is this:

Neither want to do this through lawyers...neither can afford it. We have decided to do an "afidavit divorce" or joint file. Is anyone familiar with this process? I just have no idea what to do. I wish I didn't love him...but I do so much.

[disbelief]

Hi Veronica,

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. Although our circumstances are different, I'm going through the same thing right now. My wife told me she didn't want to be in the marriage any longer about a month ago. It's hard to say whether knowing about an affair makes it easier or harder to deal with, but either way the pain does ease. Hopefully you have supportive friends and family and perhaps a counsellor or minister you can confide in. It's so easy to fall into the trap of self-blame of what we did or didn't do to make the relationship stronger, but ultimately we can't see into the heads of our loved ones and we can't control their thoughts or actions.

I'm also Canadian and know that unless there is proven infidelity, you most likely need to separate for one year before getting an official divorce. Your agreed separation date can be prior to your official separation agreement being finalized. We also wish to minimize legal fees and fortunately we're splitting amicably (this is essential). In our case we drafted a proposal which included major asset allocation and an agreement to split cash and liabilities equally. It sounds like you don't have children, so this helps ease things all around.

I wish you all the best going forward. You sound like an amazing person and I'm sure a more deserving soul is in the cards. Make sure you let the grief out, but at the same try make an effort to find the joy in life again.

Take care,

Disbelief

[Veronica]

Thank you disbelief...your kind words are greatly appreciated...know that I am feeling the same for you and your situation. You're right...we have no children or property which I believe will make things easier. Luckily my family and friends are very supportive...it sounds as if you, too, have a good support system. I wish I could get angry...i can't though....i want for his happiness so badly...i pray that this will provide him with that.

I was wondering about the separation thing...im not sure how to go about doing that without involving lawyers though...is there some sort of do-it-yourself kit that is credible that you might know of? I'm sorry to ask...i just don't know anyone in this situation. Thank you so much again for your response and sentiments,
Veronica

[Liz]

Dear Veronica

We have an article on managed separation (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/managedsepn/) which is worth looking at. I don't like to encourage anyone to give up on a marriage and if your hsuband is mixed up, then I encourage you not to rush anything. Why not look at the resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/whenover/)

I have also found some info for Canada for youhere (http://canada.justice.gc.ca/en/dept/pub/divorce/divorce.html).

All the best

Liz
:)

[disbelief]

Hi again,

There are a bunch of "do it yourself" kits, but I've heard many aren't overly credible. There is something called the Family Law Information Centre that may have some materials. Also, most lawyers will offer a free consultation and you may be able to get some direction - maybe you know of someone who can recommend a good, honest lawyer?

As Liz mentioned, separation doesn't necessarily spell the end - who knows.... All you can do is hope that your husband is completely honest with you. I know that in my case I won't be waiting around, but every circumstance is different. I hope you keep in contact on this board - it really does help!!

Take care,

Disbelief

[Liz]

Sorry the Canada site wasn't very intuitive. I've just also found a page on
separation (http://canada.justice.gc.ca/en/dept/pub/divorce/separation.html) and other info (http://canada.justice.gc.ca/en/dept/pub/divorce/index.html)
Liz