not sure

[helenrw200]

Well here's where I'm at I have resisted the urge to check b/f's phone up til today ( those who read my posts on porn masturbation and marriage will know why his mobile is a problem to me ) Today I gave in and checked it as the bill said he had received a picture message and he strongly denied he had. Well guess what I found ? Yep, a pic of a woman that he had downloaded, not a porn pic, obviously someone he knows as it is a head a shoulders snap.So here I am, wondering, firstly why he would deny he had received a pic and secondly in that case why would he keep it ?

I've tried ringing his mobile ( he's at work ) but it's switched off, he'll know I've seen the pic because I deleted it so I assume he is doing his emotional coward bit and leaving his phone off rather than face me.

Now if this pic was an innocent snap of a mate, then why not admit he had it ? Leads me to think only one thing, he's betrayed me again. So what now, knowing him he'll just disappear, keep his phone switched off and leave me to suffer.He works a late shift so I have only his word for it that he's in work, I'm tempted to ring and find out, but why bother ? What will it prove ?

I have struggled to trust him since the last episode and it seems I was right to do so, all his excuses about planting phone numbers on his phone to see if I'm checking up on him are rubbish, I never hid the fact I don't trust him ( and with good reason ) and if he wanted to know if I was checking his phone, he could ask me, I don't have a problem with telling the truth, unlike him.

My heart feels like it is being torn in two but I am determined not to try to contact him again tonight, I'm not really asking for advice, it's obvious what I have to do, but I felt like writing it all down for posterity so thanks for listening.

Helen

[Hope]

Hi Helen,

what you're going through right now must be awful. I can understand how you are feeling with regard to the trust thing and the H who "denies" everything. My H denied his affair for 2 whole years because he was a coward and couldn't discuss any problems within our marriage. Its so unfair when a spouse continues to deny and lie. What makes them this way? Sometimes I feel sorry for my H ...... I just can't understand why he needs to tell the lies...... what do they achieve apart from losing the trust of people who love them..... are they purposely trying to drive the people most nearest and dearest to them away?

Take care Helen and look after YOU.

Hope

[helenrw200]

Thanks Hope, I don't know why they have to lie and cheat and risk a relationship for a thrill .
My first husband was the same, not 6 months after the birth of our son I discovered he had been having an affair with a neighbour on the RAF base where we were stationed. I think they deserve pity, they will never be truely happy until they learn to give as well as take.

My present partner is turning out to be the same, he hides behind anger , he's not violent but his answer to everything is to get angry and storm out , he always tried to turn things round so that it's my fault for " spying " on him as he puts it . My feeling is that in a loving relationship, you don't keep sordid secrets and if you are that annoyed at being found out then don't do it in the first place.

It doubly hurts , one because I have been through this before when I was 20 and at 41 I feel I should have been a better judge of character this time and two because for the first time in a lot of years I felt so much love for this man that I would pretty much have believed anything I was told, and that makes me feel stupid for trusting him. I don't think I can trust again.

Don't worry Hope, after my last suicide attempt I swore I would never do it again, and I won't let him drive me to that , I feel low, but I'll survive.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Helen

[disbelief]

Hi Helen,

I too know the pain of mistrust and damaged lives. I was also accused of "spying" and with good reason - my W is having an affair. I tried everything to reconcile and get her to end it (including some dumb things in distraught moments) and I'm now in the process of losing her, our house, a lot of support $ and worst of all daily contact with my daughter. I can't get it through my head what possesses people to do these things - our love seemed so pure and true. But you know what? It's not worth rolling over and giving up on life because of someone else's actions! We have friends, family and lots of good people in the world to interact with.

I've reflected a lot on my situation and I've decided to use this as an opportunity to find inner peace. Maybe I'll get involved with volunteer work - sometimes a rebuilt life is even more worth living than before (something to really think about). Take care, my thoughts are with you!

Disbelief

[Hope]

My present partner is turning out to be the same, he hides behind anger , he's not violent but his answer to everything is to get angry and storm out , he always tried to turn things round so that it's my fault for " spying " on him as he puts it . My feeling is that in a loving relationship, you don't keep sordid secrets and if you are that annoyed at being found out then don't do it in the first place. Your H doesn't appear to be able to face confrontation and perhaps thats why he just gets angry and storms out.... my H was the same with confrontation but didn't get angry as such he was just very moody and can only be described as a closed book... not to be read. I don't undestand why he is this way. He doesn't like sharing his thoughts and feelings and keeps them locked up inside. I get the impression that my H keeps things from his new partner as well so he's obviously never going to change his personality! I could never have made a difference within our marriage because my H just didn't want to communicate - he must be a lonely man really because he keeps everything to himself. My H used to say that my suspicions of his affair had to stop.... I actually believed I had some paranoia illness after 2 years of having a "gut" feeling etc. I was so relieved when I found out the truth because I wasn't going mad afterall!!! I still analyse my failed marriage (must stop that!!!) and I think the men or women who deny their infidelity are simply cruel people. I would never have an affair because I could not treat another human being this way. You are absolutely right Helen, you DON'T keep sordid secrets if yoiu are in a loving relationship.


It doubly hurts , one because I have been through this before when I was 20 and at 41 I feel I should have been a better judge of character this time and two because for the first time in a lot of years I felt so much love for this man that I would pretty much have believed anything I was told, and that makes me feel stupid for trusting him. I don't think I can trust again..
This is something I sometimes worry about ie. being cheated on again. I know you have to take a chance BUT even so I'll still be a little nervous. Its such a shame that one bad relationship can have such a big effect on us. I'm sure we will trust again but I think after moving on from our failed relationships the next phase is to learn to trust again...... it will come in time.


Don't worry Hope, after my last suicide attempt I swore I would never do it again, and I won't let him drive me to that , I feel low, but I'll surviv

Stay strong.... you've been hurt badly again but you are a good person and you deserve better. You're absolutely right in that your H's behaviour shouldn't drive you to suicide and if you feel low "please" talk to family and friends because I found it really helped me to release those very strong emotions I'd been living with day in day out. A wonderful man will probably enter your life when you least expect it and you may look back on all of this and just see it as "another life"....... Life begins at 40, or so they say!!!

Take care
Hope

[helenrw200]

Inner peace sounds good to me disbelief, and I sincerely hope you find it . Thankyou for your kind thoughts
Helen

[helenrw200]

Thanks Hope.............the only consolation I guess I have is that he isn't married to me, having been married twice before I was a little cautious and it seems with good reason.

When I saw him today I deliberated about telling him what I saw on his phone, however from experience I know there would be no point, he'd deny deny deny then he'd get angry and storm out........which solves nothing. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now, going to take a few days to think about things. He hasn't mentioned the fact I deleted the pic, so either he hasn't noticed yet or he chooses not to say anything, felt weird looking at him today, all I could think was " traitor, liar, cheat "

I'm hoping that eventually my feelings of disgust towards him will overtake the fact that I love him and I'll be strong enough to walk away, right now I think I'll just give him enough rope and maybe he'll hang himself and save me the bother . Whoever the other woman is I hope she knows what a b*****d she's getting.

Thanks for the support, I hope you continue to get stronger and eventually trust again. All the best for your future.

Helen

[Veronica]

Hi Helen...i'm so sorry for everythig you're going through...you are obviously a very strong woman to be dealing with this again...it is hard to trust, never mind to regain that trust...know that you are a wonderful person and deserve happiness..."time heals all wounds"...i'm not sure if this is appropriate...but trust in yourself, and believe in yourself as i'm sure so many others do and you will find happiness...i know it. You know your heart and mind better than anyone...it's the choice that is difficult...often the heart and mind clash which makes decisions so difficult...can you forgive is the question...the hardest question of all. Have faith in yourself...I have faith in you.

Veronica

[helenrw200]

OK, I have told my partner that it's time I got a life and that while he is working evenings I intend to do something for me, not just sit around all day waiting for him to wake up in the afternoon, and then hiding myself away in the evenings. I had lots of friends online when I forast met him, some of them purely platonic male friends , who he objected to me chatting to as his view is " men are all after only one thing "

Although my illness has kept me out of work for some time now, I'm thinking maybe some voluntary work would ease me back into it and I'm also going to contact a few old friends and start to have a life again, whether he likes it or not !

Helen

[Veronica]

Good for you!! Be busy...use your gifts and reconnect those relationships! You have a lot to give...so go for it...he'll be all that more willing to change if he sees you doing things for yourself, and not depending on him for your happiness...you are a very strong woman...i admire you!

Veronica

[helenrw200]

Thanks Veronica,
but I don't feel strong right now ! I feel a total coward . he knows something is bothering me, but I can't bring myself to tell him what it is !!!! In my defence, my autistic 15 yr old has just started his GCSE exams and I really don't want a whole lot of tension in the house for his sake. I kind of get the feeling though that I may be using this as an excuse . Partner and I kind of had a ruck on saturday night , and I SO wanted to throw it all at him, but I backed out at the last minute . I feel worse too, I wish I had the strength right now to just face him with it, but I am struggling just to get by day to day with the depression , I feel on the edge of a breakdown, this isn't like me at all, I've never been afraid of confrontation in the past with anybody, now I just feel I want to bury my head and hope it all goes away.

He's taken to carrying his mobile everywhere with him, deleting all calls and txts ( even mine ) and leaving on silent if he really can't avoid leaving it in a room for a few minutes . Saturday he seemed to visit every toilet we passed which is out of character and it dawned on me that it's a good way for him to be alone without me ! See how suspicious I'm getting ???

Saturday night I suggested a trial separation so we can both sort out what we want and he got really angry and said I was always trying to split us up. That his biggest fear was losing me ( yeah right ) and he didn't want a separation of any kind.. ever.

What I really want to do is stop checking up on him and just let it go, but am I fooling myself ?

Helen