Vikkki
13th May 2005, 09:27 AM
Can I first thank all of you who read this. I will try and be brief as its a long story. I married the love of my life aged 22 he was 23 in 1992. On 15 March 2001 I woke up to find a note on the table saying he wasn't coming back, no explanation only he was tired. I saw him twice that year, i wasn't mad, though he was, I was devasted and lost 4 stones in 4 months, refused to eat and was in hell. I lost my home, my job, my income. We had no children. I moved to another county, got another job and now have my own home. My current partner has been living with me since November 2002. I thought at the time he was a lovely man, we shared the same interests etc. He is 11 years older than me at 45. He is good around the house, he can and does cook, good at DIY, reasonably easy going on paper he's the ideal man but he doesn't love me in the way I need to be loved. He isn't tactile, always thinks he's done something wrong and is defensive. When I show him affection i.e. a spontaneous hug he freezes and often pushes me away and looks thoroughly uncomfortable. His childhood was abusive, as was mine although he suffered much more than I did. We have never slept in the same bedroom as I cannot cope with his snoring and as such we rarely make love, and when we do I feel its all for his benefit and its over quickly and I always end up feeling used. It has gone on for so long now Im not sure whether I love him anymore. I have spoken to him numerous times in a quiet loving way but he gets angry turns the tables on me and says he is not confident around me and it will take time. I am dead inside around him as I always feel rejected. Most suggestions I make about the smallest things he now disagrees with yet he says he loves me. We now spend little time together and I yearn for body contact ie a hug. I feel uncomfortable in my own home when he's around as I want to be able to be myself, i'm naturally chirpy and always laughing but cannot around him anymore. I feel stifled at home and look forward to going to work so that I can be myself. He refuses to acknowledge the depth of my pain and I have tried every which way to talk to him about it. Sometimes things change for 3 days then we slip back into this awful routine. I miss a man in my bed, i miss the closeness and intimacy a man and a woman can share. I miss feeling loved and secure in a mans arms and miss not being able to love as I love and being loved back. I have looked at things from his point of view and although we love in different ways I feel like i do all the compromising, if I give him what he wants, i feel he gives very little in return (emotionally). I went to the doctors with him to try and get help then he refused the appointment of a counsellor. When I make attempts for us to make love he comes up with all the excuses and says we'll do it omorrow, then tomorrow comes and i get the brush off again, I feel like a whore asking now, so I don't ask anymore. Much of the trust I had has gone because we are almost like polite strangers to each other. He's a different person with his friends or in company, jovial and smiling. His field of work is caring and guiding other people, yet he says he can't understand or see what's going on at home, yet he is very insightful to others. He's a good man but he's making me miserable. I want joy in my life at home is that so unreasonable and selfish. I am willing to put in the work, but I can't do it on my own as I have found out its isolating, tiring and soul destroying. Please advise me as I feel I have one more last ditch attempt to salvage this relationship. Thank you.