Hurting Heart Needs Help

[Altered Heart]

Hello out there!
I don't know where to start other than to tell you that my heart is crying out for help , for answers, for love , for support, and for direction.
I believe it was God's grace that has led me into this forum and I pray that he will work through your hearts and voices to send me in the direction that I so desperatley seek.
Please don't judge me....I know I am wrong .. I have been wrong.. and I am living wrong...
I am human and I have sinned and I have fallen.. midddle age crazies(? -40) No excuses~ Enough!

I feel as if I am a deer in the headlights waiting on a freewayto be hit any minute by a huge semi coming at me !!
The anxiety is horrible
Which way do I get off the road? Right ~ Left??
I just know I can't continue to live the life I have been living without falling completley apart ~ I am weary

Here is my story as briefly as I can make it.
I am married , and have been since 1977. I thought I was happy , and while my marriage was lacking intimacy we were and remain best friends.
We kept busy with our two children now grown and everything worked. Sex was not good ( he has issues- sex 5 times in 15 yrs which includes the honeymoon!) Myt daughters where a Blessing !
He is a good man, sweet , kind considerate.

Five years ago, my grandmother became terminally ill and passed away. I began having panic attacks which sent me to a counseling. My counslor conviced me that my panic was not due to the death of my grandmother, but rather to an unhappy marriage.He said that in 30 yrs. of counseling he had never told someone that they should leave a marriage but in my case he recommended it. He said I was not living my life to its fullest potential and that I deserved a strong healthy sex life etc.. etc...
I became increasingly depressed and confussed. My husband didn't understand and does not deal well with emotional issues.
I began spending longer hours hiding out at work and would come home after obviously crying and he would not ask what was wrong. He worked and spent all his free time on the softball field.
In my panic lonely desperation I began chating on the internet, met a man, he moved to the state I live in, we moved intogether.. and have been together for 5 yrs!!
I am still married... To divorce my spouse would emotionally kill him!
I love them both..equally ...In a perfect world we would all share the same house.They are both good people! I don't want to hurt anyone!
I try to spend equal time with both.
They know of each other , I do not hide and they always know where I am.
I am not having sex with either... this is not a sexual issue , although it may have started out this way (with my feeling neglected) However, the boyfriend has physical problems and there has been no sex in along time.
This is more about what is right..... the counslor said that Bibically I was not married because I was neglected..ect.. ect...
Ijust can't continue to live like this!!
For holidays my family says I can bring my spouse( Jay) or John( boyfriend) or both!! In fact Christmas time I have brought them both.. this is crazy! I am embarrased and feel humiliated of my situation.I know it's not right!
My work does not know my living conditons. I am afraid I will loose my job if they found out because it is Christian based.
I don't know what to do , or where to turn ..
Today I went to a Christian Counselor who prayed with me for God's will to be known . I don't beleive that there are accidents and innocently I have wandered into this site tonight..
Perhaps God will speak to your heart, and you will reach out to me and help me with any insight, or thoughts that come to your heart. I welcome anyone and everyone ...
Thank You for your consideration , replies, and prayers

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Altered Heart

I'm not a Christian and I have no authority from anybody's god. So this is personal, OK?

Firstly, I think you may have had rotten counselling in the first place. Assuming it happened the way you tell it, the counsellor was highly unprofessional and should be disregarded. I would never be surprised to find the person offered to help you out with your sex life, or subscribed to DH Lawrence-type tosh about women exploding if they didn't have sex.

Secondly, although it seems a strange way to live and I wouldn't fancy it myself, I do have to note that your family and the gentlemen involved all seem very comfortable with the situation. Everybody is an adult here, aren't they? No vulnerable minors about are there?

And the only person who seems to be very unhappy is you - and that is not with either of the gentlemen. You just feel worried about what your job would say, which is a fair point if they require you to behave in certain ways.

So here's the choice. You have to make one man or other unhappy, and I can't see that you want to do that to either of them . You haven't expressed a strong preference in your posting, but perhaps you want it to come out a particular way. Your H does have a stronger claim on you within the context of a Christian marriage, but you would have to check that with a qualified Christian.

Or - here's my suggestion - get a different job and carry on with the arrangement which seems to make a lot of people happy and hurts no-one. Just remember to be discrete about it, you know how people talk.

I mean, it's not like you are having intimate relations with either of them (which is a deciding factor) so what's to stop this just carrying on so long as it suits everybody?

[Liz]

Dear Altered Heart,

Concerned Reader highlights some issues. Is your major concern about finding peace with God over this or are you struggling with more practical issues of what impact all this will have on your job? I may be wrong but I sense it is the first of those which is really bothering you.

Christians seem to disagree whether marriage is for life or whether God allows divorce when one party consistently withholds something from the other or wrongs them. I assume that is what the first counsellor meant when he talked of your husband depriving you of sexual intimacy. However, he was wrong o say that you were not married - your marriage was consummated. I think he might have been wiser to have tried to help you to address that issue with your husband as well as the grief for your grandmother rather than encouraging you to leave your marriage and find someone new.

In the end you have not found that sexual intimacy with your new friend. Do you see that relationship as having the potential of becoming a marriage should you divorce your first husband?

In one sense you are still married to your husband, but in another sense you have already walked away from that marriage, and you are living as "wife" to another man. You are concerned about hurting your husband by divorcing him, but can you be sure he is without such hurt with the present arrangement.

You can only be married to one person legally and in God's eyes. Any other strong relationship with a man should simply be a friendship.

The nature of marriage from the bible is of a man and a woman consenting to become one before God and working together to support and care for one another. Sex, where possible is part of that, and should not be withheld.

A man and woman in marriage are an image of Christ's relationship with the church - that is a high calling and responsibility.

What I am trying to say, is that you may find a way forward by trying to understand what a marriage is in God's eyes. When you can understand that, you may be able to understand your actions and your two relationships more clearly.

I have found that David Robertson's book "Marriage - restoring the vision" (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/restoringvis/) is helpful in this.

Your situation is very unusual and I would encourage you to keep in touch with your Christian counsellor and if possible find a trusted friend who can pray for you.

If you ask God for wisdom, He has promised that He will give it.

Liz

[Valerie]

I am not Christian anymore either, but it does not differentiate between right and wrong. And this is a black and white situation. It is wrong to live with a man and leave your husband just like it would have been wrong for him to leave you for another woman. Although divorce is not a Christian way, there are Christians who have been divorced in the past and have remarried to have successful marriages. Is this other man a Christian? Are you not making your H suffer already? Be realistic. If you need to seperate from your husband and you want to get right with God, start off by moving out on your own. Then decide wether you will get divorced or be a wife. Throughout this time spend time with no one but God. For only he can give you salvation, and not these two men that you are equally spending time with. This is not a judgement upon you, it is a way of expressing what needs to be done in order to live again and find the appropriate answer. It may be you end up with neither of the two and start again. But you will be honest, wholesome, and obedient. To me it is more important how I feel about myself, and respecting myself for what I do. Then I know I'll be happy and can confront anything that comes before me. I hope this inspires you.

[Valerie]

I am sorry I have to add again in response to your saying you have brought both your husband and your boyfriend to holidays with the family. This is humiliating, but you reap what you sew. Can I share with you where I once celebrated the most beautiful Holidays I ever had with a man I saw myself growing old with. After his death, It took me two years to ever even celebrate again. Each year is new and different for me, and now that I am in this new relationship. But if I could look into the future and make a wish, it would be to celebrate every holiday together, with pride for the rest of my life. Your not happy like this. Change it!!!!

[Altered Heart]

Dear Valerie, Concerned Reader and Liz,
Thank You for your heartfelt concern and words of wisdom.
I am wrong.. I have been wrong.. I am confused.. and I guess I am a huge coward.
I don't want to hurt anyone ~ yet I am hurting everyone including myself, and my precious family.
I have begun Christian Couseling which has helped me to uncover some of the reasons I sought attention outside of my marriage. Primary sexual abuse as a child I never dealt with, the counslor has me reading a book named" Wounded Heart" which is helping me to identify some of the reasons for what I have done.
You are right Valerie .......I should have stayed in the marriage or left. Before seeking and finding solace in another.
He is a wonderful man and he has provided the comfort and attention I so badly felt I needed at the time. Five years later, I don't see this relationship going anywhere, even though he would like to marry and live happily ever after. I remain ashamed of the fact, that I met him on the Internet.
No he is not a Christian and he is fine with the "Friendship' I maintain with my husband. Yet my husband who is a Christian accepts the " Friendship and my living with another man.
I am open to any comment strong, harsh and/or loving that anyone has to offer in this situation I welcome your words and take each comment to heart.
Thank You so very much for being here

[sophsl]

THERE IS HOPE. I have been married for 7.5 yrs and my husband and I have had numerous problems and I asked him to leave our home 4 mths ago. I later asked him to return and he has refused. A third party is involved. I will not go into details because I do not wish to shame him, but I tried the website below and it has helped me tremendously.

I was always a "christian", but never had a close personal relationship with God. I now know that God allowed my husband to be taken away because I had moved so far away from him. I also committed adultery to get back at him, but once it started, it was as if I was overtaken. I cheated on him with 3 different men in an 18 mth period. I resented him for what I believed he had done to me and I wanted to pay him back.

The Lord says never repay evil for evil and I had to learn that the hard way. I am praying for restoration and we are still separated, but when God is through working on both our hearts he will bring us back together. We first need to make God first and foremost in our lives and then everything will fall into place. I have learned to let my husband go, to love unconditionally to forgive 70x7 and to see all people (including my husband and the OW), through God's eyes.

This website will help you tremendously, if there is one thing you should do after reading this, is visit this website, in 1 dy's time your life can be transformed. http://www.restorem.org/cgi-bin/index.cgi?page=index

[ChristianWife]

Dear Altered Heart,

I pray that God will shine his light into your heart through his truth. You have committed adultery with this other man (even if you no longer have sex with him) and that is evil in God's eyes. This other man is not even a Christian and I find it interesting that the one thing you sought (sexual intimacy), he is not able to provide to you anymore.

Your husband continues to love you. Your marriage with him is real in God's eyes. Marriage is meant to include sexual intimacy and it must have been very hard for you to live without that. It unifies the husband and wife not just in body, but in spirit and soul too. It sounds like your husband is not the only one who has problems in this area, due to your past abuse, you also have problems.

Have you ever prayed to God about this area of your lives? He is mighty to intervene in EVERY area of our lives. He cares about the smallest details of our existence. Believe this and believe in Him!! Leave that other illegitimate relationship, seek forgiveness from your husband and ask him to pray with you to God that your marriage might be restored to the fullness that God desires! Remember, God created marriage and He created sex. You are to enjoy each other in the sanctity of marriage.

Believe that God is mighty to save those who cry out to Him!! He will come through for you!