Any help would be grateful

[inneedofhelp]

Hi,

My wife and I are up and down all the time; one minute she's in love with me and the next she isn't......

Were now at the stage where she's thinking about leaving me... I know what the problem is and that's me.... I seem to either always be down, worry about something, feel like I'm not meeting her needs sexually. I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed; I'm in love with her so much and I know she's now craving more fun and excitement (hence she has started to go out more). I have a doctor's appointment today where I'm going to tell them everything; I don't really want to go on any tablets but I also don't want to lose my wife; she means everything to me as well as our (nearly) 2 year old daughter. I know kids affect marriages but I need to get round this so I don't lose her.

I know I'm probably waffling and seem to be all over the place but that's because I'm not sure where I really am at the moment... I truly believe that were both still in love with one another but I need to jump out of this hole I seem to be in and be the person I was when we met; exciting, funny and spontanous (is that spelt right?).

I thought that I'd been in love before but when I met my wife of now I knew that I'd never had these feelings before... I need to show my wife that spark, that love, that excitement that we had; does anyone have any advice...

Desperately not wanting to lose his wife

me x

[Waterman]

I feel like you do. The problem is me not my marriage or my wife. I've been reflecting on my moods and such like, and they date back well before I was married. My negative and worrisome side has been at the forefront for far too long and I am also trying to fathom what to do to break out of the vicous circle, becsue it saps energy and determination, and causes me to be precisely the wrong type of person.

I was thinking of a head shrink of some sort but I really don't know where to start. Any ideas out there?

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Waterman

I'll assume that you are thinking of some form of counselling for yourself rather than in the context of couples counselling.

The current position in the UK is that the regulatory framework for such services is gradually being tightened so that when you go to your chosen advisor you can compare their backgrounds and decide if that therapist is the one for you.

As you would expect, the more formally qualified a person is, the more you can expect to pay. However, if you are in the UK, contact your GP to see if they have any NHS services available, and check your health insurance (if any) to see if you are covered for psycholgical services.

Note: there is nothing to stop anybody hanging up a notice saying 'let me help you' so long as they don't pretend to be anything they are not, such as a qualified therapist. Let the buyer beware.

Broadly, the spectrum runs from counsellors who will tend to have valuable life experience and a range qualifications gained at evening or day classes, through to psycholgists and psychotherapists who you can usually expect to have a degree and professional experience, and ending up with psychiatrists who combine medical and psychological education.

You can see this spectrum most clearly in your Yellow Pages. If you look up 'counselling and advice' you will see a set of cross-categories. Expect to spend an afternoon comparing those categories, perhaps ringing round to check fees and qualifications. There is a touch of serendipity to it; the list is only those who happen to advertize and who happen to be in your area, but it is probably important that you can easily get to appointments so the YP is a good place to start.

One thing I tend to take as a good sign is if the practitioner is a member of a professional body such as the British Psycholgical Society or BACP. If you are dissatisfied with their work, at least you have somebody to complain to and they will have signed up for a set of professional standards.

http://www.bps.org.uk/the-society/register/register_home.cfm

http://www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/index.html

Having said that, if I thought a practitioner was the one for me, and she only had a certificate for swimming the width and an old self-hypnosis tape, then it wouldn't stop me and I would just bear in mind that she doesn't have any insurance.

As for modes of therapy; there are so many to choose from. However, there is disagreement about how many of them actually work. For example, the Skeptic's Dictionary is scathing about NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) but many people swear this language-based system for re-modelling thinking is effective.

The only thing which tends to command agreement that it really does work, is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Curiously, this one flies in the face of most talking-cure theory. It focusses on changing behaviour rather than bothering overly with how you got there. Practitioners usually list this mode of therapy if they offer it.

There aren't any hard-and-fast rules; it is about finding a practitioner who suits you.

[DDANN]

I was in the same position as you 5 years ago before I got married, my now H told me to get help or get out. So I went to my dr told all, in tears, embarrassed that I could not control my thoughts and moods, they put me on Zoloft for a chemical embalance, I am still to this day taking this med, it helps tremendously. If I quit taking it I get back all those feelings and moods from before so I now know it was not something I could change.

This chemical embalance (depression) is also hereditary (sorry for the spelling) maybe take a good look at your mom or dad and the answer may lie there too.

[London]

i would definitely go and seek professional help to see if there is a chemical balance that can be rectified (with drugs), but more importantly, you need to delve deeper in your psyche (again with professional help) to see what it is that is causing these mood swings. There is just cause to assume that your mood swings are a result of deeper issues and this is for not only your relationship, but also your sanity.

[Warren]

Hi, I know how you feel! My wife and I constantly argue and we never seem to get anywhere. We both agree to do or not do things yet after a week my wife returns to normal and we are back to square one. It's not lony me she ignores it's her friends and family too. She just doesnt seem to be able to take any form of advice or criticism. I often think of suggesting a shrink or marriage guidance place but then I just sit back and think what's the point, she will never listen!