*Spark*

[Alexis]

Hi there

some people may remember me from when I made a posting a little while back ' how can I move on'.

Since those avents and my husband leaving me, he has since now returned. Over a couple of months we have spent time together with the children and now he has decided that he indeed does love me and has come home to us.

What he does say though is that he loves me more than I could ever know but the spark is still not there. That he feels that he should have the urges to hold and kiss me all of the time and always want to make love, but he doesnt. He says he wants to lust after me again, but doesn't know whether this is what happens in long term relationships.

This is my Husbands longest relationship ( and mine but Im blissfully happy in it if he wants me). He has always ended other relationships he has had after the longest being 3 years. So by that time any lust would have fizzled out so hes gone to get it from elsewhere.

I can understand things going a bit stale or repeatative when you have been together a while and then also have children, but I dont feel that way about him. I always want to hold and touch him and be affectionate.

I know now hes home that I am not going to take him for granted or plod on like I once did not realising his unhappyness. I want us to revive what we have and spend lots of time together like in the early days as well as having our very much needed own space that we missed out on before.

Taking him on again knowing his true feelings is scary and a gamble, but I love this man and married him understanding it would be until death us do part. I would do anything for him, including forget these past few months he has put me through hell walking in and out of my life three times.

I want to make this work, so I need to get it right. First off understanding how he feels and using reality to know what to expect from our relationship now. Maybe it would even be useful him coming here for advice too. But right now this is my haven and helps me through all this.

Can anyone shed any light on this, is it normal for him to feel this way sometimes?, can the lust return?

Thanks so much

ALexis

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Alexis

Don't know whether to write 'I am glad to hear your H is back' or to say in admiration 'coo, you don't give up easy, do you girl?'

I hope you realize you are flying in the face of fashion with your determination to stick to your vows and your insistence on keeping on loving. However, this does NOT require you to be a doormat and I wouldn't want to be mis-interpretted as encouraging you to put up with intolerable behaviour.

However, if you can both contribute to this marriage, then going by what I see in the couples around me, you will both enjoy a happy life.

It might be a bit optimistic to hope for a sudden re-kindling of passion so have a look through these articles and see if you can get some mutual communication going first. (The most applicable are near the top of the list.)

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/healthclose/

Once your H is comfortable with day-to-day life, he might be more willing to start to look at his own behaviour, but I think that could be a way down the road. Sorry, but it probably requires you to be patient while he gets there.

I'm not sure, however, that there is very much you can do on your own account. The condition of having two small children when you are nowhere near a supportive family is that the blessing of children is going to be equally balanced by the burden of childcare. And since the blessing is very great, the burden is great also.

Still, if you can do anything to make sure you get that few uninterrupted hours together each week, then do it. (So easy to say, so difficult to do.)

Since I don't know your H I can't fairly comment on what might be in his mind. However you say he has had several relationships, the longest being three years and then there is your own, so that would add up to someone a little older than you. If he is moving out of his twenties and in to the thirties, he may be trying to come to terms with the idea of a love which is more mature and less boyish. I'm only guessing.

I hope things work out well for you and your family.

[Alexis]

Hi Concerned

you are so right about our age difference, I am 24 and he is 30 in three weeks time, so that also ties in with what you say about a love less boylish.

I felt rather uncomfortable last night in his company alone. We were intimate but I dont know whether its because he wants to be with me, just because he wants some attention or because he feels he has to. I didn't instigate it, just for the record.

I also believe what you say about us having a sudden rekindle of passion, it would probably feel strange if that happened also. A bit too fake if you know what I mean.

I was a naughty girl this morning. I asked him if he is still in contact with this OW. I believe he has not had an affair, but I am concerned it could still happen. He replied that she had emailed him. I asked if he was going to see her again and he said he didnt know. This really upset me obviously. I have never met her, Im am sure that if it was me meeting another man that he would be very unhappy with it, isnt it just human nature. I want them to stop contact, I want it to be either me or her. Im scared of what might be. Im scared to try try try in this relationship to be hurt and dropped on my arse again. I dont want to suggest it though, the stopping contact I just wnat it to happen. I want H to realise on his own that his relationship with me is a whole more important than his relationship with someone from his past that he had forgotten about a long time ago, until now. That's something though I dont think he will do. He sees no wrong in what he is doing. And sometimes I do and sometimes I dont. If he was more open to me about it then maybe I would see no harm, if he wanted me and OW to meet for instance along with her partner. But again I dont think hes grown up enough to register that for himself.

Im not a very patient person, but Im am learning to be. I know I have to give us time to adjust again. I am very concerned that things wont ever be the same again for us. I know we will never go back to the way we were because we didnt have such a rut to contend with and now we have seen sides of each other which are not very nice at all. Thats somethng we will always know and be aware of now.
Most of all I know I will and can put 100% into this. I am unsure that H can, and will add more like 60%

When he says he loves me more than anything its reassuring, but then he also says he doesnt feel the need to touch and hug me and kiss me, does not Lust after me. I am also worried that he may start lusting after someone else, ie OW
Im not an ugly person, but Im not very curvy, womanly you could say. But OW is. Nothing like comparing yourself. Does wonders for your self esteem I can tell you.

I have at the minute the opportunity to move on. I have had a house offer and I can leave all this behind. Someone I know wants to buy our house and has made a very good offer, I could be gone in 5 -6 weeks max. With this also on my shoulders I dont know what to do. I have to look after myself I know Im neglecting. feeling like a doormat.

I need some soul searching but cant make head nor tail of it.

Why do I love this man so much, is he worth holding out for. Sometimes yes sometimes no. Im so confused, hurt angry and still very much inlove.

I want us to work more than ANYTHING. The trusting him to feel the same and to give it his all is hard to do. Especially with this OW innocent or not I can only believe what he tells me.

Some days are good, some or bad and I dont know where to start with this one.

Alexis

[Alexis]

Sorry just to say that this OW is somoeone who is from his past and contacted him via friends reunited. They had a brief fling ( whilst he was seeing someone else I might add). HShe contacted him, but he decided to meet her when he left me a second time, unknown to me. He said it was innocent and her boyfriend was there too. I know that they email each other they have both told me as I contacted her after she accidently emailed my account instead of HIS work one , rabbiting on about their past bloody love life.
I still know they are in contact now.

Im worried that this is the start of an affair, even without the physical side already. I have read up on affairs on this site and because he has no affection for me he is abviously giving it to someone else.

is this the start?

Alexis

[G-Dub]

Hi Alexis



Im worried that this is the start of an affair, even without the physical side already. I have read up on affairs on this site and because he has no affection for me he is abviously giving it to someone else.

is this the start?

Alexis

I replied to your post in my thread then jumped in here for some continuity. Firstly these are my own opinions from someone who is by no means in a position to offer any form of professional advice.

I am not a big fan of sites like Friends Reunited for several reasons however I wouldn't consider a few emails between your H and this OW to constitute an affair although some would define this activity as an emotional affair if the contents of the communications were such that they covered topics that in reality he should be discussing with you. However, considering the current position of your relationship this type of activity be it innocent or not is certainly not helpful in any relationship recovery. Saying that, remember my comments about doubt and unmet needs, once these set in the downward spiral of the relationship is inevitable. The fact that your H is not showing any affection does not "obviously" mean he is getting it somewhere else. You need to trust me on this, there seems to be a perception that a bloke going without affection or sex for extended periods is impossible. The 6 months my wife and I were in relationship turmoil did not lead to either of us seeking external affection/sex, although opportunities arose on both sides.

Reading through your past posts there seems to be some doubt on both sides as to what you both really want. Some soul-searching may be required, do you really want your H back or do you wish to move on. It seems one minute you want to give it 100% despite in your word his 60% effort and the next you are talking about the offer on the house. This uneven effort is also not helpful but what you need to bear in mind is that your H's 60% is your perceived value of his effort, to him this might be 100%. You really do need to get quality time together and communicate in a non-confrontational way. Leave out your doubts and fears during these chats, talk about your day to day activities and hopefully your H will start to feel at home and more able to recognise and address his issues. Most all be patient and take care of yourself as I feel (like the rest of us) you have a very long journey ahead of you which will not be easy all the time.

[Alexis]

Hi G-Dub

Thanks for your reply. Since my last posting H and I have talked. I have found out that OW keeps contacting him, wont leave him alone. She is even calling him whilst we are having our tea etc etc. But this he is hiding from me, until today when I asked him if he was inlove with me which he replied 'no'. I asked him if he is directing his efforts of affection elsewhere other than me, ie with OW, he also said no, but looked extreamly guilty and I know by now when My H lies to me. I asked him if he flirts with her or finds her attractive and tempting. Again he said no. I dont believe him.

I have felt extreamly angry with him for the past two days. i had to ask him these things this morning or I would have burst.

I have read what you have said and its right, I didnt know what I wanted. Nown I do. I have been used as a doormat, feel like a mug. I have let him make all the decisions in when to leave us and now return to us. No more.

I have asked him to leave, I cannot bare being in the same house as him let alone sleeping next to this man who has such little respect for me. He said he truely wanted to try, but Ive had zero reassurance, its all big bet that I am not willing to take for a fourth time. Its too much for me and even my eldest daughter who is Three and a half panics everytime Daddy disapears from view. He has well and truely screwed our life up. We have only been married three years G-Dub and have two girls the eldest and the youngest aged 18 months. What makes me even more MAD is that my dad left me when I was this age and H know how I felt about that, messed me up totally and here he is doing EXACLY the same. Selfish selfish b@*s%ard.

I have told him thats it now, I hope he realises what hes done and squirms in it. I hope it hits him in the head everytime, I hope he takes it to his grave with him, he WILL pay. And I hope that someone does this to him one day as he has done this to every female hes had a relationship with. A total child, poor excuse for a man not worthy of anyone.

And if he does run off to this other woman I hope she drops him like a tonne of ****.

Sorry to be so angry and abusive, I just hate him

HOW CAN HE DO THIS TO ME?

Alexis

[G-Dub]

Hi Alexis,

I so sorry that it has come to this, but only you can decide what you want for you and your children. Being a doormat is definitely not an option in a healthy relationship.

However, having these types of conversations with your H when your hurt and angry can be destructive but it seems that you have finally taken control of the situation with your decisive action. I just hope this is not a knee-jerk reaction in a moment of extreme anger and as you say hate for your H.

Your H could of course could have decided to ignore the OW's frequent contacts but you seem to be implying that he has done nothing of the sort. In light of the situation if I was your H I would have stopped contact with this OW immediately on return to reconcilliation with you to ensure the best possible chance of success.

What has your H said as a result of your conversations, is he acting as if nothing has happened, reason I asked is that my W reacted the same way (Head-in-sand-syndrome)?

Don't forget no matter what happens, we are here for you and I hope that eventually you find the peace, love and happiness we all deserve.

[Alexis]

Hi G-Dub

thanks for the reply. I have calmed down lots since my last posting earlier today, but my outlook remains the same. I have no plans to reconsider.
As for the OW contacting him he sees no wrong in it and has refuses to stop speaking to her, this makes me feel more sure about my decision. He is most definetly not the man for me and a hope in the future I can do a whole lot better than him.

Right now I have lots of decisions and choices to make for the children and I. I wont rush into these either but I do have another appointment with solicitor Tuesday to find out my rights etc.

Sometimes I feel very sad that after all we have been through and our wonderful memories can disove to this and then I think of what he has done to me and I feel inner strength to say enough is enough.

Im scared of what the future holds and how I will manage to raise my children on my own, but its something new I have to face. One day he WILL regret what he has done to me and his own children. More thought on his part could have saved him and us from all this, now hes too late.

Too little, too late.

This time Im keeping my word

Alexis

[disbelief]

Hi Alexis,

It saddens me to hear of another relationship destroyed by temptation and deceit. I am in a similar boat with my W and our beautiful young daughter. I too have been lied to and deceived for months, but closure is finally on the horizon in the form of a separation.

I too have heard the same line about the spark not being there, but you know what? Relationships have their ups and downs and stresses, especially when in comes to parenthood. That's where effort, commitment and fortitude to see things through come into play and that's where some people fall terribly short. Believe me, our spouses may be in for a rude awakening when they realize that their part time fantasies don't translate into full time realities the way they figure!

The same way your H is still in close contact with the OW, my W is still in close contact with the OM. At least my W had the guts to finally make the call to separate last evening. Despite all the betrayal, I respect her stand and we will part on decent terms should this happen. I'm still holding on to a thin straw of hope that she will see through the mess and work toward "us" again, but another part of me is happy that closure is finally coming. I suspect you feel the same, at least regarding the closure part anyway! We don't deserve to be treated as door mats. Life does go on, and I feel it's much better to be outside of a questionable, deceitful relationship than within it, no matter what.

Keep your chin up, and keep in contact on this board. It's an unbelievably tough time, I know....

Take care,

Disbelief

[G-Dub]

Too little, too late.

This time Im keeping my word

Alexis

Hi Alexis,

I'm at a loss to see why partner's cannot see this coming. I was in the same situation with my W in that I came to the same decision as you, enough was enough. After 6 months of her indecisiveness and lack of action to re-comit to making it work I finally took the plunge and filed for divorce. It was the day before I submitted the decree nisi to the court that my W came to me and asked if we could start again, this was after she had signed my petition and we had started the financial aspects with both solicitors. When I asked her why she said that 27 years was too much to throw away over what were really minor issues on both sides(We had been married for 25 yrs). It took her 6 months to realise this and I have since learnt that her own friends played a big part in this in that she had discussed our problems with them from her point of view and they had encouraged her to continue down the divorce route and she felt she could not lose face by letting them know she was thinking of making another go of it.

What I'm trying to say here is that I am very pro-marriage and most problems can be resolved (although I must say I don't think I could cope if my wife had gone and had an affair). Joint problems take joint resolution, a partner with a singular problem can only resolve it themeselves if they recognise it and seek help and support.

Only you can decide when it is really over, but do not be suprised if yor H suddenly has a reality wake-up call from your forthcoming actions....

The main thing is to do what is best for you and your children.

Good luck and keep in touch.

[Alexis]

Hi G-dub and disbelief

Today I felt low, extreamly low. Thinking of our beautiful memories, home and children. I sent him a text message to tell him if he could commit to having zero contact with OW I would give us on last shot.
Alas no.
He says he cannot go round in circles anymore. That we have grown apart and something has gone between us. Its too late to try and retrieve it.
Im relieved I think that he has said all this to me. Its the first time in all of this he has admitted it is over. And it now stops me tooing and froing about what I want.

I feel empty, scared, failure, extreamly sad and grieveing. But also relief.

I cannot believe it is over just like that. At christmas things were great, Five months later we are seperated. Its making me sick.

We have discussed what we are going to do next. My dilema still is to sell and move back to Newcastle where my Mum is or stay here in bedford where I have no family and a handleful of no where near relibale friends. H is going to support me 100% financially for now and until I can go it alone.

I feel a part of me has died. 50% of me cannot believe what is happening and cant give up the other 50 is telling me that there is most definetly no hope now and its time to move on before it makes me ill.

A man who promised me the world and love until the day I died has removed himself from my life, and Im still alive.

If it wasnt for my Two little girls I would feel like giving up altogether.

I cant ever see me being in such a happy relationship or loving anyone like I love H, again.
My lifes all over and Im on auto pilot for my babies.

God help me

Alexis

[helenrw200]

Your life ISN'T over Alexis, it's taken a different direction from what you hoped and wanted, but you have lots of life left to live and the being on auto pilot won't last forever, it's shock.

When a marriage ends against your will you have to grieve , not only for the loss of a husband ( in your case ) or wife but also everything that goes with it , a home, companionship etc. Eventually this starts to fade, listen to some of the stories on here from other's who have been through it , you will be able to remember the happy times without them feeling tainted and you will go on to have so many more .

Your two daughters will eventually bring a feeling of normality back into your life , because whether it feels like it or not right now , life does go on . You deserve to be with someone who puts you first , and it will happen in time.

Stay strong.
Helen

[G-Dub]

Hi Alexis,

As Helen has said, this is the shock and reality of the situation you find yourself in that is playing havoc with your emotions but trust me it does fade given time.

Time and focusing on you and your children will help in the grieving process, you will have your ups and downs but eventually there will be more ups. Whenever you need to vent, need support or someone to listen come here and don't forget to use your friends, family and if you feel the need your GP or some form of individual councelling.

Life has a habit of kicking you in the teeth, but life does go on and you will find happiness and love again, why? because a person like you really deserves it. Nobody can knock you on the amount of effort you have put in to trying to rescue your relationship. I can't think of anyone who would have tried as many times as you have.

It is vital that you take good care of yourself now, you need to be strong to look after your children and face up to the next few months.

I'll be thinking of you and please post back here if you need someone to chat to, some TLC or just want to let it all rip.....

Cheers for now

G-Dub

[Alexis]

Hi G-dub, Helen and friends

This mroning when I woke I felt sick. I suppose it the grieving part kicking in. I have been here before, Four times before, so I know the way it works. Only this time round its definate. If he ever realised that hes made the biggest mistake of his life its too late. As Ive said things never felt 'right' again between us, because of the amount of times he left then came back. Theres a big trust issue that will never be resolved, he has also turned into a man who's ideas on life do not meet my own, hes so different now.

So Im having to get over it. It probably starts with the memories and thinking about all thats lost. I have to accept whats happening and to put all that we had behind us and hope and have the outlook that I will have it all again one day with someone as wonderful as I thought H was.

The children are driving me nuts. Its 24/7. Its hard to focus on them as I find myself feeling selfish that now my life will never be as carefree as it was as Im all they have now and my life will be completely absorbed by them both and will no doubt make any future relatioships more commplicated or difficult. Im never going to get time by myself and as teidus as it sounds, no one will ever cook for me, or make me feel better when I am ill or have a bad day at work ( when I get a job). Its me having to do all that for my children instead. In my marriage I always had the opportunities to go out on my own or got a lie in once in a while.

This brings me to a difficult decision about whether to move home or not. Im trying to find reasons to stay.

Thanks for listening

Alexis

[disbelief]

Hi Alexis,

I know things must seem awfully bleak right now, but you have to believe they will get better (because they will). I think feeling ill is pretty common for people in our situation. It's the worst feeling in the world when the person you love and trust the most in the whole world stabs you in the back. I'm glad to hear you're making a definite stand now, because I think you absolutely need to in order to move on.

I understand things are tough keeping up with your kids. For me it will be a matter of losing my beautiful daughter apart from visitation rights, so cherish your children however burdensome they may seem right now.

Moving back to your home may have temporary advantages, but maintaining your independence may be best in the long run. Maybe you can go back home for a defined time to visit and to get some much needed support?

Anyway, take care of yourself - the love and pleasures of life are FAR from over for you!!

Disbelief

[G-Dub]

As Ive said things never felt 'right' again between us, because of the amount of times he left then came back. Theres a big trust issue that will never be resolved

Oh Alexis, I know this feeling well, even though me and the wife are many weeks into our reconcilliation (niether of us left at any time during the rift) things are still not quite right and my trust in her to stay commited is not returning as fast as I would like it, but I have to remain patient and strong. And believe me I know how difficult it can be when you finally make the ultimate decision to call it a day.



The children are driving me nuts. Its 24/7. Its hard to focus on them as I find myself feeling selfish that now my life will never be as carefree as it was as Im all they have now and my life will be completely absorbed by them both and will no doubt make any future relatioships more commplicated or difficult. Im never going to get time by myself and as teidus as it sounds, no one will ever cook for me, or make me feel better when I am ill or have a bad day at work ( when I get a job). Its me having to do all that for my children instead. In my marriage I always had the opportunities to go out on my own or got a lie in once in a while.

Remain strong for your kids as they will return unconditional love. It's not wrong to think about yourself and certainly not selfish as you appear to have only thought about your H recently. Your life is changing big time but it does not have to be for the worse. Given time someone will come along, kids are not a complication they should be viewed as a bonus to anyone who commits to you. As a matter of interest, how old are they?

One day you will have time to yourself, one day someone will want to cook and care for you but at the present these seem like distant dreams, but trust me those days will come but for now treasure every moment with your kids as they do not stay kids for very long. Once the emotional turmoil starts to subside, get a friend or family member to look after the kids for an evening or a weekend and get yourself out with some mates it will do you the world of good.


This brings me to a difficult decision about whether to move home or not. Im trying to find reasons to stay.


Only you can make this decision but I advise you not to act in haste, you and your kids need to feel secure, with family and friends around you. Has H left the family home?

[Alexis]

Hi G-dub

My little girls are 18 months and three years old. We have no family around us at all thats why Im thinking of moving. My Mum lives 4 hours drive away and H family live 2 1/2 hours drive away, so we have always had no one here. I think that was a contributor to our problems. But H cannot transfer his job, which is a very good nish one. Thats why we have stayed here.

I have accepted an offer on the house. H wants me to stay. I feel if I do move the children may suffer as H will only be able to visit them in Newcastle every third weekend because of his job and the expense of getting a B&B for a couple of nights whilst hes there. I understand that, but I dont want there relationship to fade. And over time if he finds a new partner and may even have more children he may be more reluctant to visit so often, it may turn into once every calander month. Our children would be victims then.
This concerns me so much because I have never had a relationship with my father, his choice. I tried to see him only a few weeks ago ( he too lives in Newcastle) after ten years of not seeing him or so, but he didn't want to know.

Its a case of which is more important my happiness and doing things for others again, or my mental state of mind.
I also feel that until Im out this house or have a huge change there will be no closure.

Im also questioning whether I made the rihgt decision about 'us'. Its like I cant live with him and I cant live without him. But He has done nothing to stop me knowing my plans of moving on. He doesn't fight for me like I long him to do. It speaks volumes to me.

So I must get on but feel like Im not going anywhere just hitting a brick wall.

This crossroads goes on forever

Alexis

[Hope]

Hi G-dub
Im also questioning whether I made the rihgt decision about 'us'. Its like I cant live with him and I cant live without him. But He has done nothing to stop me knowing my plans of moving on. He doesn't fight for me like I long him to do. It speaks volumes to me.

Alexis

Hi Alexis

I'm moving house at the end of this month and I'm hoping that its going to help me to move on and finally add closure to my marriage. I will be sad to leave this house because it was the family home but at the same time this house just reminds me of my H's affair..... I can even remember which room I was in at the time he was telling his elaborate lies! So as you can see its almost a way of "cleansing" and starting afresh... does that make any sense? My new house is also much smaller and will be more manageable so all in all I think moving can be a very good thing.

I also feel very sad that my H didn't fight for me. I hear of many couples who decide to "try again" and make things work which proves that the relationship does have something there still. My H just uses the fact that he doesn't feel I'd trust him to not fight for the relationship. Yes trust would have been a problem at first if he'd come back home but he wasn't prepared to even put a little bit of effort in to try and work things out and it does hurt as you know.

Have you ever noticed that during your life time you may have tried to do something so badly and yet there may have often been many obstacles in the way? You feel desperate at the time to have what you feel you need or want and yet it doesn't work out and you then sit back and feel fed up BUT very often something wonderful comes along instead..... we all then turn round and say that what a stroke of luck! I tried very hard to convince my H to come back and yet he he's just not bothered..... I nearly brought a house that I thought was just right for me and my offer was declined BUT the next house I offered on was much, much nicer..... so can you see that sometimes if you push for something and it just doesn't happen its often because something better will come your way! I know all this "fate" stuff may not make any of us feel any better on this forum but I do sometimes think things happen for a reason.

Stay strong and believe in yourself.... the decisions you're making are what YOU feel are for the best and you have to look after yourself. It will be a shame if your H doesn't visit the children as much but if he does love his children he'll make an effort or perhaps he could spend more time with them during the school holidays and have them for longer periods of time instead of just a weekend? If your H cares enough he'll try hard not to lose touch.

Take care
Hope

[disbelief]

Hi Hope and Alexis,

Hope, your situation is so similar to mine - the elaborate lies, the "I don't know if trust can ever be there again" excuse etc. I too tried everything to get our marriage back on track but this was never really reciprocated - plus I found out that the affair hadn't ended (no surprise there). I felt like a doormat. I finally laid it on the line a few nights ago and luckily my W got the nerve to tell me she thought a separation would be best. She says her deep love for me is gone, but I can't help but think this wouldn't necessarily be the case were the third party not involved. From what I'm piecing together, her hidden agenda isn't unfolding as planned and this is starting to hit home with her. I could be wrong, but I suspect she's racing headfirst into a disaster based on the nature of her affair. It's amazing the situations people get themselves into and frustrating how powerless one feels while trying to reach out. But ultimately we can't control the other person's decisions and feelings and we MUST accept that.

Alexis, I'm 100% in agreement with Hope that it may seem tough now but there will most likely be lots of good times and a true loving person in our futures. Take care, both of you, and I hope to continue seeing your names on this board as the journey continues.

Disbelief

[Alexis]

Hi Hope and all

Yes Hope I think I do believe in fate, although it does do some hardh things to us sometimes. I sometimes see other peoples lives and see that they've had a realy hard time in life and then I think ' Fate pah!' thats just so unfair.

Leaving this house will be the only closure for me I think too. I cant imagine five years from now still being here. Its like I have to push our memoires into archive now ready for some new ones.

Fighting for my H is givingme a headache and its emotionally hard work so Im not going to no more. Like we said about the fihgting for us, if they dont are they the kind of person we want to spend the rest of our lives with.

HELL NO! I wanna be LOVED LOVED LOVED, by someone I love so much back.
It doesn't work one way trying and effort.
Love is truely blind.

Alexis

[G-Dub]

Hi Alexis


Im also questioning whether I made the rihgt decision about 'us'. Its like I cant live with him and I cant live without him. But He has done nothing to stop me knowing my plans of moving on. He doesn't fight for me like I long him to do. It speaks volumes to me.

So I must get on but feel like Im not going anywhere just hitting a brick wall.

This crossroads goes on forever
Alexis

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, if we could base all our decisions knowing what the future will be like wouldn't it be great. But sadly that's not reality and it's the fear of the unknown, excitement of the new and the possibility that your feeling your H does not care what you do (this may or may not be true, who knows what he is thinking).

I still cannot understand the reluctance of some partners to actively fight, it's so easy to assume that they do not want us anymore due to their inactivity when confronted with someone being proactive in the relationship (either trying to fix it or get away from it). I don't think you will ever be 100% sure, when I took the decision to divorce my W I now look back and think it was a knee-jerk reaction to her inability to make the decision herself. However since we stopped the proceedings I still have the niggling doubts in her motives for wanting to try again but I'm keeping them suppressed and we are working at it. What I'm trying to say here is that we all have doubts, nothing is black and white in any relationship, but you have to go with your gut instinct and not stay because its easier and not go because it seems like a brighter option. You really must take time to make the decision in a non-emotional way if your still having real second thoughts.

Disbelief has quoted something extremely important and it took me a long time to accept this notion, in that you cannot force H to make any decision or change his nature or beliefs. You can change yourself and sometimes this has the desired affect but only he can change himself if he wants to. What I would advise you to do whatever the forthcoming outcome is concentrate on your own life. Once you start getting back into normal things and getting out and about more the tendancy is for life to get better. It worked for me and it should work for you. Be prepared for a possible sudden change in your H though, as my W reacted almost immediately when I started popping out for Pizza's with my mates again and looking up old friends (not ex-girlfriends etc).

I'm a firm believer (and this sometimes gets me into big trouble) that if you are confronted by a brick wall you do not attack it, you do not attempt to climb over it but you find a way round it. No obstacle is infinite so there will be a way and you will find it.

In a similar manner, your H will have to find a way to see your children come what may and any decent father would not let distance or expense take it's toll. You find a solution to the problem, not let the problem stop you in your tracks.

Finally whatever decision you make or stick to, make it for yourself and your children and let others fall inline with that decision.

Good luck Alexis and let us know how your getting along.

[Alexis]

Hi G-Dub

Ive been really stupid and contacted the OW by email to ask her what if anything hapened between them. I just wants some questions answered and I cannot completely trust H anymore.
I wish I hadnt now, because I know it will get back to him and I will look stupid.

H calls me alot for any given excuse. Its weird, because we get on 'fine' Its only when we are living together we dont. I think we kind of both feel pressure to be 'good' to each other and have to put on a happy face. Sometimes I feel like walking on egg shells as it were.

I read in a magazine about divorce that we have to ride the pain. I guess that goes for seperation as well. Then we will recover quicker. Im feeling low at the minute so I know I just have to go with it rather than fight it.

Just want all this mess to go away and just want answers about where my life is heading so that I can get there quicker, whether its with the love of my life H or alone. I have just turned 24 and I feel so old and haggard now.

I still dont get how he could hurt me this much. He must be made of stone.

Alexis

[helenrw200]

I still dont get how he could hurt me this much. He must be made of stone.

Sometimes Alexis men in this situation do come across like this, it seems to be a coping mechanism ( I say men as a viewpoint of my own experience, I'm sure it applies as much to women also in this situation ).

You may find you're getting on better with H simply because you're NOT living together, sadly we all seem to find it easier to be polite to those we don't live with.

The answers to where your life is heading are in you own hands , you can decide what happens from now.

Don't worry too much about the fact you have contacted OW, you needed answers in order to make sense of what's happened, that's human nature. Sometimes facts hurt, but once you have them, you feel clearer, you can get over being hurt and start to live again. Yes your husband may not like it, but hey , I'm sure you don't much like what he's done do you ? I reckon he'll be more embarrassed than angry if you were to find out the true details, it's his indiscretion, not yours and you have no need to feel stupid.

Stay strong.

Helen

[G-Dub]

Hi Alexis

Hi G-Dub

Ive been really stupid and contacted the OW by email to ask her what if anything hapened between them. I just wants some questions answered and I cannot completely trust H anymore.
I wish I hadnt now, because I know it will get back to him and I will look stupid.

We all do things in the heat of the moment, part of the learning process is dealing with our insecurities, our anger and our frustration. All you did was let your need for answers get the better of you so don't knock yourself. We all search for the answers to explain these situations. The problem is that there is no single simple answer.


H calls me alot for any given excuse. Its weird, because we get on 'fine' Its only when we are living together we dont. I think we kind of both feel pressure to be 'good' to each other and have to put on a happy face. Sometimes I feel like walking on egg shells as it were.

If you have read my thread you will see I went through exactly the same thing. Me and my wife were more civil once I had filed for divorce because it took away the uncertainty. I didn't want to file but felt I had to to end the 5 months of limbo land. As for walking on eggshells I consider myself an expert now but I have a different way of describing it. I take time to think before I react, if I start to get angry I take timeout, I detach the emotional response from the logical response.

I read in a magazine about divorce that we have to ride the pain. I guess that goes for seperation as well. Then we will recover quicker. Im feeling low at the minute so I know I just have to go with it rather than fight it.

With all change in an emotional relationship there is pain but there will be joy again. I found it easier if you could detach yourself from the emotional relationship and focus on the practical side of things. I still feel you have not quite made a decision yet, take your time and really decide what you want. If you leave or stay you need to prepare yourself for the biggest emotional rollercoaster ride you can imagine. In my case it hit me more than any loss I have ever experienced including a family death. I'm not trying to persuade you one way or the other only you can decide.

Just want all this mess to go away and just want answers about where my life is heading so that I can get there quicker, whether its with the love of my life H or alone. I have just turned 24 and I feel so old and haggard now.

I still dont get how he could hurt me this much. He must be made of stone.


Alexis you are still very young but you must let your chosen course of action run it's full course, there is no quick fix or quick get-out. Us men (and women too) can be quite thick skinned when it comes to recognising our hurt of others. He perhaps does not see the impact on you as he is too wrapped up in his own emotions and issues.

Take care

[Alexis]

Hi G-Dub

I know Im always hanging round here, sorry!

This morning like most mornings I felt horrible. I stayed in my pjama's all day yesterday and still in the sam eones now. Just wanna give up.

Trawled the net last night to see if I could find any advice on how to bring the lust and love back. There stuff about keeping it alive. Alot of sites agreed that lust feeling comes and goes and has to be worked on.

If he loves me like he says he does, why does he not want to work on it then?.

Its like I wish he disapeared so I dont have to face him because the more I speak to him and see him the harder it is for me to let go. But with children we will always be in each others lives. I cant imagine seeing him in five years time picking up the girls and me not feeling anything anymore.

I cant believe that after all we have been through that he is doing this and the flame has blown out for him.

Lex

[G-Dub]

Hi Alexis,

Don't worry about "hanging around here" it keeps me sane being able to vent and put my thoughts into writing.

Remember what I said about getting on with your life, try and get out and about. Staying in and not getting dressed is not the answer you will only feel worse by doing this. Force yourself to go out, just to the shops, go buy a magazine and sit in a park for a while and watch the world go by. Join a club, a class or anything but do not sit in the house alone.

You cannot make him love you or lust after you. However by you being normal and getting on with your life he may see the person that he wants to see. No false hope here, but I know I would find a person that is getting on with her life more attractive then one that appears to be stuck in a place where the world has apparently stopped turning. This is very hard to do and initially it is false but carry on doing it and you will find there is life after whatever....

No matter what happens you will still see him and eventually if things go down the seperation route you will remember the good times and the bad times will fade. Occasional walks down memory lane and what if's are inevitable but eventually they will become memories with no real emotions or feelings attached.

Keep strong, we are all here for you

[Hope]

G Dub,

I’ve also felt that posting my thoughts and feelings on this forum has helped me to remain sane AND vent – and yes Alexis shouldn’t worry about posting here afterall that’s what this forum is all about!

Remember what I said about getting on with your life, try and get out and about. Staying in and not getting dressed is not the answer you will only feel worse by doing this. Force yourself to go out, just to the shops, go buy a magazine and sit in a park for a while and watch the world go by. Join a club, a class or anything but do not sit in the house alone.
You are 100% right here about getting on with the day and “trying” to be normal. Part of my recovery was down to focusing on me and the kids…. Admittedly its not easy and when you feel depressed you just want to sit around at home. I made a big effort to dress up, put my makeup on, do my hair, even if I was only going to the supermarket – it made me feel good about myself and my confidence grew and grew each day.

Alexis….. if you have the children and you feel a little restricted then still dress up but take them with you and enjoy the day with them if you can. I found that going out helped me so much and even on those days when I felt I didn’t want to even get out of bed I still forged ahead and forced myself to get on with my day.
You cannot make him love you or lust after you. However by you being normal and getting on with your life he may see the person that he wants to see. No false hope here, but I know I would find a person that is getting on with her life more attractive then one that appears to be stuck in a place where the world has apparently stopped turning. This is very hard to do and initially it is false but carry on doing it and you will find there is life after whatever....
Sadly this is very true – you can’t make someone love you but I suppose a spouse could fall in love again their H or W. I also agree that someone who looks confident and appears to be getting on with life looks more attractive. When my H left me instead of shrinking into a corner and getting down I went the opposite way and became even more determined to show him what he was missing!!! I was determined that he wouldn't ruin life!!! My H saw me change from a busy mother/housewife to a confident single mother! Even now, despite the odd bit of bickering over the divorce he actually compliments me and seems to look at me differently …… he actually notices me now! In some ways my H leaving me has made me blossom…. Many say I look younger and happier – I’m not sure why I couldn’t be this person during my marriage. If Alexis can find that determination and strength to be at her very best when she sees her H he may see her in a different light?
No matter what happens you will still see him and eventually if things go down the seperation route you will remember the good times and the bad times will fade. Occasional walks down memory lane and what if's are inevitable but eventually they will become memories with no real emotions or feelings attached.
This is very true! I kept having moments of feeling lost and insecure but I managed to push these feelings aside after having a good cry! The feelings of attachment and the strong emotions really do become less and less as time passes by – time really is a healer.

Hope

[G-Dub]

Hi Hope, Alexis


You are 100% right here about getting on with the day and “trying” to be normal. Part of my recovery was down to focusing on me and the kids…. Admittedly its not easy and when you feel depressed you just want to sit around at home. I made a big effort to dress up, put my makeup on, do my hair, even if I was only going to the supermarket – it made me feel good about myself and my confidence grew and grew each day.


Just to put you at ease Alexis, all these emotions and how you react to them in this situation are totally normal. When my W was being indecisive, unresponsive and generally avoiding the issue, the thing that really got to me was that for almost 5 months she was able to put on an act of nothing being wrong. She ate and slept well, avoided letting any of the family in on what was really happening, went to work, had nights out and in general shrugged off what was happening to us. Me, I lost interest in work (I actually had to take a few days off because I lost focus), I neglected my appearance, went off my food, could not sleep etc etc. After quite a few days of this my attitude changed, probably out of frustration but I picked myself up, got on with work and started to go out with my mates again. 1 week later my W had a breakdown at work and had to take a week off, she had covered up so well until this moment. She really suffered when she saw me getting on with life, however please do not do this for that reason, do it for your own well-being.

What I'm trying to get across is that there will be ups and downs but by forcing yourself to continue with as normal a life as possible and even better start doing extra things you have always wanted to do makes the down days more bearable. It won't be easy at first but I can guarantee you will eventually feel better and your H seeing you this way will perhaps make him think a little deeper (again no guarantee on the H front as each person is an individual who others have very little, if any influence over).

Keep up the posting, you are also helping me as I can reflect on my current situation and replying to you reminds me of what I need to do to keep things going in the right direction for me and W and maintain my more positive and confident outlook in getting on with life.

[Lex]

Its been a long time since I first posted. Here I am again.
After my last post, we did separate. Whilst we were separated we talked still. H told me he still loved me and that he knew that once day we would be back together again. Things like that. After much thought I felt still loved him and that I had to tell him, even if there was no way back for us it was something I had to do. So in July I did and poured my heart out. We talked and then he said he still loved me and felt the same, We decided to take it slow and date. We were living apart still and though it would be better than rushing it like the last times. That was about six weeks ago and since then we’ve had up’s and down’s but I believe that if he didn’t want to try he would just have to say so and as he wasn’t living with me anymore it would be easy to walk away if that’s what he wanted.
Gradually we spent more time together, but I felt he was holding back. I felt like he wasn’t putting 100% into it or anything near it. I started to question whether he was doing it for the right reasons. I want it to be for me, not just because of our children. I brought this up and said it was make or break time, that we need to set a date for him to move back in or discuss walking away and me moving back to Newcastle. He agreed we needed to talk and when we did he said he wanted us back together.
This weekend his parents had our children whilst we had some ‘us ‘ time. It was nice but I still felt something wasn’t right. Yesterday morning he had left his phone so I looked through it. I had asked him before if in our separation he had been with someone else and he said no and didn’t want anyone else yet.
Low and behold a girls name, a text message from her, a text message about her to a friend and one to her. I confronted him. He admitted it. He said ‘Its not what you think?’. I was hoping that was true. He has been seeing this OW since June some time. She was just a friend he confided in about us and it developed into more. Whilst I was trying hard with him, he was inputting into her. When we had a disagreement, he sometimes went to her. When I wanted him to saty iwht me at night, he was staying with her. At first he said he slept with her a few times, stayed with her in her house twice. That its not as it looks.
Now I know more, the length of time its gone on for, that they had sex regularly, that she has told him she loves him. I asked him if he loves her and it took him a long time to reach a no verdict.
I though that I could just about handle the fact that he’s had sex and been intimate with another, as long as it was just out of need and nothing more. That it realised him what he wants is me and it was a mistake. But he really cares for her and they talk a lot, as much as we do I gather.
He started seeing her whilst we were separated, theres not a lot I can do about that. But once we started trying again he should have ended it , instead of seeing us both. This is what angers me the most. He is actually still with her know, she knows no different. She does not know he was trying again with me.
I love this man so much, so much it hurts, that I thought I would die for him.
The fact that he is or could almost be inlove with her kills me. He wants to come home still but I don’t know if I can forgive his love for her. What it I think that he’ s thinking of her sometimes, the sex they had together. Im insecure about my body enough ( Im think, no curves etc). I have never seen her so I am comparing myself to the worst. We had sex only two weeks ago. Im scared that he’s been with her since then, he says no.

I feel I cant live without him, but how do I deal with this?.

[London]

Sounds like it's "make or break" time for you and you alone. What do you WANT? Do you want to go through the pain of trying to rekindle something that is lost and cannot be regained (passion, lust) or do you not want / require that in a relationship? You are quite young still and while he may be older, he is certainly more childish than your youngest.....

my verdict would be to let him go, but i know that may not be what you are looking to do.... hugs

[poppy]

Dear Alexis

I am so, so sad for you. But you have shown enormous courage in the past, trying to put all the pieces back together again, and you will get through this. Are your family aware of what's been going on, and of your decision? Could you go to them for a visit, you need a bit of distance at the moment. Perhaps they could have the children for a week or so, to give you a much needed break. It's so difficult to manage the kids when all this pain and turmoil is going on in your head. Think about it, it will help. I would think very carefully though about going back to your roots on a long term basis and whether this is best for you. I wish there was more I could say to bring you some comfort. I so feel for you. Be brave. I wish I could wrap you up and make you feel better. I can only send you a cyber hug. Let us know how you are getting on. XX

[Lex]

Thanks Poppy and London,

We spoke last night on the phone for two hours. He was going to come over but his car broke down, Im wondering whether its a sign!.
We talked calmly, no shouting or name calling etc. He says he cares very much for this girl and is very fond of her. I now know that she has sat down and told him how she feels and that he has said I love you back to her. He told me that the sex is intimate and loving and not just sex. He stays with her a few times a week also and has on occassions has been talking to me on the phone whilst she is next to him.

Despite all this I still love him, why? whats wrong with me?

He doesn't know what he wants. He said sometimes he is 100% sure he wants to be back at home and other times only about 60% sure. Mostly the former. But when I asked him if he actually wants to break it off with her and he can live without ever seeing or hearing from her again, he does not know. Just to let you know I would not take him back unless he is almost 100% sure he wants me for me.
Heb says he looks at us both differently. That with me its the 'package' car, house kids etc....with her its the freedom and space she gives him, since he has no one to answer too adn coz its all knew.
I asked him if he was confusing his feelings, because she has been there to talk to in his hour of need, that he feels maybe he owes her something back, or its confusing love with lust and being wanted by someone new and fresh. I asked him if its rebound, he said he didn't understand what rebound is, so I explained that its a short term relationship because someone wants you after feeling rejected or unwanted. But doesn't last once you regain confidence and know thta your still loveable etc. he said he can empathise with that.

I have not slept all night. Its killing me the thought of he's making the decision between me nad her! I don't desereve this and am worth much more than how badly he is treating me. But I still cant let him go.

We are going to talk again tonight.

I do know though I cannot be second best, I have to be sure he really wants me with no doubts or regrets, I have to see and feel it. I dont want to ever be compared to. I am preparing myself for the worst, I know its to come.

AFter being together seven years and shared the things we have, now to be sidelined for someone else is killin me, destroying me.
He knows that if we cannot work, I have to leave its my only way. And that his children will go too. That means he has chosen his new life with OW over his girls. I know I will angry for that as my Dad did this to me when I was Three. I know my feeling will result in hate and I will hate him.

I dont know what I did so wrong, when he was having time out to think about us, he wasnt, he was with her. I have been physically ill with this.

I just cannot believe this is happening. Smetimes I wonder if I'd just rather die.

[Helen]

I can empathise with everything you have said. My own story is posted in this forum - I will summarise it here because it is kind of long. My husband and I have been married for 16 years and together for 20. We have one child aged 18. I recently discovered that my husband had had sex with my brother's wife. I cannot account for taste - my brother loves her so I cannot slag her off too much. But she is the polar opposite of me, in terms of looks, stature, ambition, etc.

I went through a marital rough patch with my husband. Indeed, there have been a few rough patches but the last one lasted more than 2 years. In that time we stopped having sex because I was not having an intimate relationship with my husband outside the bedroom. I felt like a whore.

To cut a long story short, my husband started 'dating' this woman. I raised many objections to him seeing her long before their relationship became serious. He ignored me. Finally, last September, he started having sex with her. They continued to have sex until May this year (so he says). Meantime, she was still having sex with my brother.

I work very long hours and one of my husband's chief complaints was that I was never there. Yet when I was here, he was never at home to engage with me (because he was taking her out or sleeping with her). Even when he was here he never spoke to me. All conversation was insitigated by me.

Finally, I did some snooping and found out about their affair. He made a partial confession last September (said then he had kissed her but that was all). It turned out that he had been sleeping with her all along. He told me he loved her although of late, he has been saying he isn't sure. He contacted her on the phone last week. I said he had to stop seeing her because he now has an intimate connection with her. So far, he has not agreed to do this. He has the same indecision as your husband about coming back to me. His doubt is due to not knowing whether he could ever be the sort of husband I deserve. When he talks about coming back, he talks about doing it for our son's sake - not mine. Of course, I have said this cannot be.

I cannot understand his indecision but told him that I refuse to play second fiddle to this woman. He says he is comfortable with her but, unlike me, she has never worked in her life, she is a liar and a thief and she neglects her physical appearance. What she has in common with your husband's lover is that she flattered him. She apparently was there when I wasn't and became a confidant to him. She was supposedly everything I was supposed to be to him; his excuse was that I wasn't here. Not really an excuse because I wasn't away all the time and, as stated, he didn't make any effort to talk to me when I was here.

Like you, I thought I would never get over it. In many ways, I still feel this way. I feel as though I should fight to save the marriage. I feel despair that he threw me aside so easily after 20 years. However, I asked him to leave just over 2 weeks ago and, while I have been crying most days, I still view this as the right thing to do. I want to forgive him but I cannot see a way to do this. Not at the moment anyway. I have told him this and asked him to find a way for me to forgive him. My view is he should do the work to start getting things back on track (if this happens).

I do understand why you are finding this so hard because I am there myself. I agree that your husband has to be sure that it is you he wants (not just the kids) before he can come back. And yes, he has to agree to sever all ties to this woman. If he can't, let him go. You will never be able to trust him as long as he is even calling this woman. Indeed trust will be an issue if you let him come back but it will be an even bigger issue if he continues to stay in touch with her.

[cant sleep]

As a cheating husband myself can I offer a few words here from the male perspective! For more background on me see my new post on desperately seeking hope!

I agree with the comments in the last post. I think your husband(s) have to be 100% certain they wish to be with you and only with you and they cannot afford to have any doubt about it and neither can you.

I am one of those men who is less than sure of my feelings and this ironically is causing problems in my life. My wife has no doubts about her love for me (as you dont for your H's) but she says she is willing to take the risk and we should just go for it no matter how I feel!

My argument is I have cheated, I am not proud and never ever thought I would. It has taken its toll on me and the last thing I ever want to do is be a serial cheat or keep hopping back and forward between the OW and my wife.

So my advice to you ladies is if you are not sure, not confident it will last and cant trust, then take the tough choice and go it alone, dont wait for them.

[disbelief]

I too can totally empathize with you Helen and Alexis....
My story has many parallels to share with yours, only the genders are reversed. I too was thrown the accusation that I wasn't supportive when nothing could have been further from the truth. This line is just a poor excuse or self justification for betrayal. I also worked very hard inside and outside the home and took a second job when things were tough. I also supported her extracurricular activities in every way as it brought her much joy and freedom from home responsiblity and parenting pressures. And while I dealt with the responsibilities, she developed a relationship with another man.
I tried reinitiating things to no avail and was spoonfed grandiose lies and then only truth in doses as things were discovered (sound familiar?). And yes, I discovered the two-timing had continued after I found out despite her swearing this wasn't the case. Needless to say, trust was completely obliterated.

Alexis, don't keep asking yourself "I don't know what I did so wrong" - his infidelity was his choice and poor moral judgement. I don't believe the saying "It takes two to tango" applies to every situation - some people are just so self-absorbed that nothing short of perfection could ever keep them happy and committed. It's an imperfect world and we are imperfect people and that is why marriage needs commitment and communication. A perfect marriage doesn't exist and great marriages can never be granted from one spouse to another. If one easily succumbs to the kind words of others without seeing through the cheap veneer, it's not our problem.

To summarize, I would have to agree with Cant Sleep and let him go if the confidence and trust is all but gone. I know it may feel unbelievably hard right now, but you can't keep going on as his doormat on which he may or may not choose to grace his presence with today. Just my opinion of course....

[G-Dub]

Hi Alexis,

I'm sorry to hear of your continuing dilemma. Like London and all the other respondants I also feel that it is decision time and as I have said many weeks ago that decision ultimately rests with you. As you know I'm very pro-marriage and have strived hard to make my marriage work, if I hadn't been I would not be well on the way to building a new and better relationship with my wife (we have had up's and down's, doubts etc but it's getting there). Can you honestly say that your H has put in as much effort as you? I doubt it somehow.

In your instance I would say you have now done everything and more than can be expected of anyone and I publically offer my admiration of your courage and effort that you have put in to your relationship, it's such a pity there are not more like you.

You have done nothing wrong at all, your H's only decision now is to commit 100% to your relationship and totally detach from the OW. Your decision is if he does, can your trust him, can you forgive him and build a new relationship with him (the previous in my opinion is totally dead). If he does not commit and detach then you have the ultimate decision to make.

I'm sorry if the above is not what you would like to hear but I also believe in being frank, but again this is only my opinion. Please keep posting and remember you are the priority so look after YOU no matter what happens as there is a light (a loving and trusting relationship with whoever) no matter what the outcome.

keep up with the courage, I'm thinking of you.

G-Dub

[Lex]

Thank you all so much, I appreciate more than you realise. Its really helping me fathom things out.

I spoke to him last night, he came over. he has more or less admitted that he is inlove with this woman. Its is tearing me apart, a man I love so much that I can and could forgive and forget what he has done to me and how he has hurt me, I am still loosing him.

But I'd rather he just be with her, than choosing second best, me. Because it would never work, I know that.
He tells me its here he wants to be still, but he shows no certainty. I need reasurrance to believe it. He also said that he can tell her, its not that he can't. I think he's trying to tell me that its just going to be hard. He also said that he loves me more than her.

I wonder if the love he feels for her is out of compassion that she has been there for him in his 11th hour. But its not the same as being in love. I love my best friend who is a rock to me, but am not inlove with her!!!

Its most definetly crunch time as you have all said, I know that. I know what I have to do if he cant give me 100% comitment to me and whats left of our marriage. Infact I have already taken steps towards it.
I can live without him, as Gloria Gaynor once sang from the roof tops I WILL SURVIVE!. Its funny what a person can do to you, you fall inlove with someones mind and silly little ways and need to be with each other, when that is threatened its like an atomic bomb. Everything is shattered. I feel destroyed, I ask why me?, I ask how could you?, I ask why?



Because of what has happened, I still love him I want to believe he is still the man I used to know, but his deciet and games have hurt me to the core, he lacks total respect for me, I feel I am nothing to him. When I think like that I know Im better off out, but theres love there still. Hope it fades fast.

[London]

are you sure you love *him* and not the idea of being in love with the image of a man that once "adored" you?

[Lex]

Hi London

When I see him I feel love. When I hear his voice it makes me feel warm inside. When I touch him I feel like melting. I just want to hold him.

Its all a waste, and still the love wont go away despite everything he has done to me.

I know though if he chooses OW over me, it will turn. And if he leaves us all for her he cannot love his children the way he says he does, because he knows we will be off to Newcastle to live and move on without him. he will not properlly get to se them grow up. ( I would have to go to Newcastle for my own sanity and health, this is not out of spite)

Then I know my anger will be so strong that he has left me and his young children, put me though hell and this OW thing could have all bee avoided if he had of been honest with me from the start.

I think I could accept it if he just didn't love me anymore. But to be replaced by a better model is just too much to bare.

[London]

First of all, its not a "better" model. Secondly, you need to keep reminding yourself that what he says is not what matters in this case - its what he does that counts. And guess what, he may say he wants to be with you but his actions say otherwise.

The more he keeps at this, the more you should be telling yourself that this cannot work and that you should not be allowing someone so selfish to railroad you.

If you cannot think that way, think of how much he will be hurting the kids if he chooses to live a life of lies with with you.

From this point forward, you must realise that NO matter what he decides, he ha sproven that he is SELFISH and manipulative.

[Lex]

Hi again, Ive been away to my mums for the last week to think and to just get away. whilst I was there I got a letter from H telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Not for the children or for ease but because he loves and needs me and he might as well die without me. He asked for forgiveness and if there was still time for him to make it up to me.
He said it was easier to walk away but doesen't want to. He will tell the OW.

BUT

I have known about this for ten days now and he has still not told OW. He has sort of had reasonable excuses as last week he was on a course and this week he is on a call out shift at work. I hardly ever saw him whilst he was on this shift when we were living together. But I still feel he is dragging his heels. She is still contacting him as normal not knowing any of this. He says he is trying to avoid her so she gets the hint something is wrong to make it less 'out of the blue'. I know its never pleasant giving anyone bad news but this must be done. I have asked him time and time again but now I feel I have to restrain from that or he will just get defensive with me.

He says he is looking for a 'right time' to tell her, but its not going to put it off and off. He says he doesn't want to come home until he has ended it with her as he says he's expecting lots of tears and pleading from her and wants to just deal with it, then move on.

Whilst I undertand-ish where he is coming from ( if I put myself in his shoes) I still feel he should be moving mountains for me if he truely means what he says from the letter. But I dont want to just end it all now if he really is genuine as I'll cut off my nose to spite my face.

I hate it that I'm like fighting for him. Two women just boosting his ego, but is that enough to just walk away from another chance at continuing this marriage with a man I truely love. It makes me feel week and feeble.

I'm trying to look at it as he started seeing this woman whilst we were apart, that much is most definately true. So its no ones fault if some feeling for her devised from this. I am hurt that he contiued it with her whilst trying to get back with me. He was hedging his bets. But he is giving up her coz its me he wants. And I have to believe that or there will be no trust from day 1, that wont work.

I am giving him a silent deadline of friday 26th for him to tell her and be ready to leave her behind. He has no excuses this weekend or next week. If it comes and goes with no avail I have no choice but to move on as I cannot be this way forever. I have to stop moving the goal posts, I know.

I am going to try hard not to contact him to see if he does the running, if not it says volumes.

I feel he has to prove his love to me.

Do you think I'm mad, is his tactics typical of an adulterer or am I being reasonable and understanding.

[poppy]

Sorry Lex, but yes I do believe 'you're mad'. You are desperately hanging on in there for something that can no longer exist. How could you ever trust this man again? If you get back together, I would hedge a bet also, that you will soon find he's still hedging his, and is still in touch with this woman. If he was genuine in what he says, he would have NO problem telling this woman it's over and to sling her hook. You have to ask yourself, what payback will I ever get from this relationship. My love, you had gone so far down the road to a new life, you have suffered so much pain and torment, do you really want to go there again? Run like hell, and get on with YOUR life.

[helenrw200]

Lex

I don't think your H should even be considering the O/W's feelings at this point . How long does it take to send a txt ?

You are being far too understanding, you've taken a lot, given him plenty of lee way, now it's time he stood by his word to you... or left.

Don't give him any more time, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak, he is keeping you both dangling and hedging his bets. In your situation I'm afraid I would say it's now..... or never.

So sorry to have to say that but you need closure...... whether with him or without.

Take care.

Helen xx

[Lex]

Hi all

Well today is d day. H is going to see ow today, to tell her.
Not sure how I feel about this. I know he has to see her to do this. I wish she would just disapear off the face of this earth, but that aint gonna happen!
I want this over with asap. I am going through emotional turmoil and have been for the past two weeks. Its about time something is done about it.

Behind all that though. I am completely scared. Im scared scared scared. Not really of him not being able to go through with it, although that will be heartbreaking, but at least its the last straw and closure for me. Its more the after feelings. Dh has started to move some of his stuff back home, including his beloved motorbike. I feel thats a hugely positively step.I never asked him to do that, he jsut started to. But he did say to me ' we will be fine, it will be difficult, but will be fine'. I am scared that he cannot fit into life as before. Yes I know its not going to be like before he left and all this happened. But I feel more positive about of future than I have ever been. I have lived on my own for seven months, so yes it will be readjusting, but I wouldn't say 'difficult' . I feel that he is sounding negetive.

What I'm really getting at is that I am trying to trusting what he says about wanting to be home and how he loves me and our children and cannot bear us not being with him. But I am still so scared of him letting me down again.
I want us to be how we were in the begining, I really do feel excited about us being together again. We have been apart for so long and we have come so close to loosing each other that I just 'need' to be with him. I cannot be sure, despite what he says, that he feels the same way.
Today, unitl I find out how things have gone with OW is just going to be horrendous. Its like being at deaths door.

[Lex]

Back again

H told OW. From what I gather it kind of went ok. I found out more stuff that he has been living with her and her parents so that makes sense why it was more 'difficult' than what I thought it should be to tell her and leave.

So I came back this weekend, as he was moving back in and brought some more stuff.
Then....
I find out another problem. It seams to be there is ALWAYS something else.

Since the abortion in feb when all this first kicked off, he said he cant see me in the same way anymore. Im no longer a 'sexual siren but more of a motherly sacred figure' as he put it.
That he does love me (?) but cannot have sex or be intimate with me. Hurts real badly considering he was VERY intimate with OW. CAN I DO NOTHING RIGHT FOR THIS MAN!!!!

He says he can be with me...but cannot give me what I need. I asked him if he could truely live like that, he said ......no. Because I know I cant. I love being intimate and I love sex. I dont want to live without it , especially when I feel I 'need' to be that way with him.
So after the first night of being home, he left, again. Yes I know.

The next morning I get a text message that he cant live without me, and has realised a few things.

I am drained, I cannot eat, sleep, my head hurts.
I know I am only young, I know if I choose a certain path a new life is waiting for me, so close I can see it. But I want my Husband, I want us back the way we were.

He says he doesn't know if the 'desire' for me will come back. Do you think it can come back? Is he just feeling bad about everything that he's put me through and having somekind of mental block again?. Can it be overcome?

I have tried everything. I have given 150%. I have not given up and thrown in the towel easily. I have had faith in him and trust in him.

I feel he does not want me, its the worst feeling in the world.

So now tell me....how do you let go of something you want so much. How do you stuff all the hopes and dreams you had, down into the deepest darkest place in you and keep it there.

HOW DO I WALK AWAY FROM THE LOVE OF MY LIFE?

[London]

Lex - reread what you wrote and you'll see how and why you (and its only you that has a decision to make) you must start "breaking away".

Your H has essentially told you that you are "damaged goods" and that he doesn't want to be there with you sexually but he does love you as a human being. Its nothing more than a childish excuse for getting out on his part. But do you REALLY want to be with someone who essentially tells you that he will never desire you that way anymore? He is telling you that if he were to stay, he (and you) will have no choice but to find intimacy elsewhere.... is that what you want (again)?

Breaking up is hard enough, but being told that the prospect of getting back together means giving up the essence of a relationship is not getting back together at all.

HUGS.