Husband has never trusted

[Flower]

Hello Everyone I am new to the board and seeking advice on my marriage. I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 2. He loves me, I love him. The problem is since day 1 there has been no trust. He met me in a strip club, I was a dancer. Everything about our relationship seemed perfect at first. Then he started to become controlling out of insecurity and I let it happen. He wanted me to quit my job and I did. I understood why he wanted me to and could not disagree. Then it was my friends, he didn't see any reason for me or himself to have any so I gave them up as well. I was loosing myself and allowing it to happen, I felt happy to have a man in my life that I loved that loved me back. I understand the psychology behind "the girl without an active father in her life needing male approval" that was always me. Here it is 9 years later and I still have no friends, no life outside of my home or my husband, 3 kids 2 in school and 1 at home with me. I do not have the courage to start making the steps I need for change. It is hard to live like this and he wonders why I am so unhappy, why I deal with depression, why I go off about once a month in a rage. I don't want to continue to live like this. I have given up on myself. Sometimes I don't even shower everyday. I don't want to take medication for my depression because of the side effects. I need any advice from you folks about the steps I need to take in seeking trust in my relationship. There are no real reasons not to trust, to my knowledge we both have been faithful. He is a good man just insecure and I have allowed his insecurity to stifle me and who I can be. Sorry for the rambling, I would just like some input. Thank you in advance.

[London]

Flower - welcome to the board.

From reading your post, it seems that *both* you and your H have issues that need to be addressed in order for your marriage (and quite frankly your self) to survive.

Your husband didn't "become" controlling overnight - he always was the type. On the other hand, you seem to describe some self-esteem and confidence issues with yourself. The combination of the two personality types at first leads to what seems like "support" and "being taken care of" but that quickly wears out and the incompatibilities often show up soon after.

Your H needs to understand that you are an individual who is not only capable of making her own decsions (and choosing her friends) but also that you have that right to do so. You need to also learn how to assert yourself more and believe in yourself.

Many posters here will be able to provide you with links to articles etc, but may I also suggest that you try to seek the aide of a counsellor. There are many issues within you that you need to address...

PS: you were not rambling, and even if you were, you're entitled!!!