Help!

[andrew55]

I've just ruined the best that has ever happened to me. I've been married to my wife for 10 great years. We are so good together. We do everything together. We've never spent a night apart for as long as we've been together. We were made for each other.
But i've been a fool. I got flattered by not one, but two, other women. The first six months ago and then a pathetic email to another yesterday. My wife found out about the first and we sorted things out - life couldn't have been better. Romantic weekend away, passion, love - just like it had been in the very beginning. She hadn't forgotten of forgiven, but things seemed to be ok. Then, like a fool, I contacted someone else, and my wife had been checking my mail and found out.
The sad thing is, I don't want anyone else. I want my wife and family. I just wanted the attention. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I think this is the end of my marriage.

[Kate]

Dear Andrew,

I hope it's not the end of your marriage but perhaps you need to tell your wife what you have told us that you want only her and then you will have to convince her that you mean it!

Why are you allowing yourself to "get flattered". Your wife needs to trust you. Imagine how it feels for her thinking that she isn't enough for you and that you are not putting her first. She must wonder what on earth is going on and even what is wrong with her that you should be looking else where.

Have a look at the article on rebuilding trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/), talk to her about what you can do to restore trust and be prepared to do whatever it takes, even if it means getting her to check every email that you send out. Askign her forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/forgive/) too is important.

I also note that in your posting you sum up things as being good because there are lots of romantic weekends away and passion. What about other parts of your life together? Do you talk things through all the time? Are you good friends and companions? Do you know what you want for the future - how do you see your marriage and family life in five or ten years time? What would your wife answer to those questions? What do you need to do to get there?

Life is going to be very difficult for a while. Your wife is hurt deeply and you will need to be very patient, sensitive and gentle with her. Her feelings are real and need to be acknowledged and accepted.

I hope she will be willing to give you another chance.

Kate

[Michelleo]

Hi Andrew
Was the 1st one by e-mail too or were either of these actual physical ???
I really am not trying to be mean but did you not learn the 1st time, did you
not go and get help for your issue with looking elsewhere for attention ?? If these were both by e-mail than I do not understand the addiction, I am going through kind of the same thing if it is through e-mail only, I have asked my husband to stop 5 times talking to this woman and he has not and now I think it is time for me to leave.. Of course you get attention from this other person because that is all you have to give each other, their is no real life issues in your relationship with this other woman, you give each other your best sides and your full attention when you are needing it !!!! I have had a counsellor say it is like an addiction so you have to be strong enough to fight the urge to talk to other women on line or by e-mail... But let me tell you from the one who has been cheated on it is very,very painful and you feel very many emotions from felling insecure to what did I do wrong, to what is wrong with me etc.etc. when in reality it is the cheater who has something wrong with them.. PLEASE PLEASE get help from a professional if you really want to save your marriage to find out why these urges overcome your love for you wife and the wonderful life you and your wife have together from what you say !!!!! believe me that there is only so much a person can take..
Like I say if this is a computer affair than please get help it is an obsession and please realize it is a fantasy world....
Take Care
Michelle

[disbelief]

Hi Andrew,

Heed Michelle's post - I too have been through a whole mess with my wife's affair and she ultimately refused to get closure with the other person. It's pretty much over for us, but you still have a chance.

It's the worst feeling in the whole world when the person you trust the most with your life ends up cheating. I can only hope your wife is understanding enough to work it through and that you take this seriously enough to get help. Show the initiative by going through websites on the matter (with your wife if possible) - go to counseling (or even a psychologist if this is truly an addiction) - do whatever it takes to show you're serious about overcoming this. Then, make your life transparent to your wife - prove as best you can that you're not carrying on behind her back.

Losing a fantasy is NOTHING compared to destroying a reality - think of all the people you will end up hurting (your wife, friends, family and YOU). And for what? Please, don't go down that road....

Disbelief

[Michelleo]

Hi Disbelief

By your post I guess things are not going well for you and your wife.. I am sorry to hear that !!!! This grieving is from what I've heard is just as bad as a death but almost worse if someone dies you never have to see them again, but in our cases with children you pretty much have to have contact with this other person everday !!!!! Whoever reads this please pray and think good thoughts for my children that they will be okay through the end of our marriage and the only thing they knew as a family.... I am so afraid for them, they are only 7 and 5... I'm sure I will be on this sight lots as it helps to hear all the stories of people getting through this tough time and that it does get a little easier....

Take care
Michelle

[helenrw200]

Andrew

I've read your post through half a dozen times and I find it quite confusing.

Are you saying that despite your wife finding out about the previous e-mail to another woman and if not exactly forgiving you then at least being prepared to work through things , you did the same thing again ??

If you don't want anyone else then why do it ?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it sounds as though having " escaped " the first time you decided to push a little further ?

Do you feel you are not getting the attention you need in your marriage ?

I think as suggested you need to look deep into why you do this , I don't think you have an addiction , sounds more like thrill seeking to me. Your wife has obviously given you the chance to prove yourself to be trustworthy, now it's down to you to restore her trust in you, if she's prepared to try yet again. That might mean giving up your connection to the internet , allowing her to install a spyware system on your pc or whatever she feels necessary to stay with you. None of these are appealing but I guess it really depends on how much you want to keep her and your family .
Helen

[explorer]

Without any padding here it is. I've been there done that and failed. But here is my advice if its not too late. Tell your wife you want counseling because obviously something is not quite right and you want to figure it out and fix it with her help and a therapists help. Having gone through it all if I was at the point you are again that is what I would do. I was stubborn and could not see it when I was there but you are at that point and I kick myself for not doing it when I had the chance. And hopefully teh therapist and figure out why you have done what you did and how to fix that in your marriage. And hopefully your wife will be prepared to understand that she may have somehow contributed to it. Not that its her fault at all but most often something is lacking that you need and most liekly had at somepoint togetehr.