smoking behind my back

[shez]

This is probably stupid but it is ruining our lives. My husband and I both smoked. After I had my last child and my dad died, we both gave up. Suddenly, I had my husband back.While he smoked he would spend all his time outside, he smelled, coughed badly, and could not sit through the movies or dinner as he would go out for a smoke. Nine months later he took it up again. I was furious and I started too as I was not going to be left inside while he kept having his "smoke break". He started with 2 a day. 3 years later he's on 7 a day which he tells me about. In reality I know he smokes behind my back whenever he can. This upsets me. I have asked him to be honest but he can't. I end up looking for clues that he has had one as I want to know that he is lying. He , of course gets cross but I keep asking him to be honest but he won't. He ends up talking to my mum and not me. I know I need to grow up but how can I get him to just be honest, be my best friend and get the physical side back on track?

[Liz]

Dear Shez

You have got yourself into the position of policing him and trying to change him. I've tried that with David before now and it doesn't make for closeness and trust. Your husband will start being honest with you when he knows that he is accepted as he is rather than believing that there will be trouble if he "owns up" to something.

It's hard to actually get to the place where he knows he is accepted. One step is to stay "off his case". That isn't going to be easy because your motivation for wanting him to change may well be born out of concern for his health. He may well also be concerned for the impact on his health, but be defensive because he senses your desire to change him.

Why not have a look at some of the tips here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/relbasictopic/cftcartoon/), which have some useful advice about how to strengthen closeness and put your relationship before the issues that you are dealing with.

Liz

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Shez

Smoking is fantastically addictive behaviour, as you know yourself. If it were easy to affect it we wouldn't have the rates of lung cancer and heart disease we do.

Over big numbers of people there is a statistical effect from raising the price of tobacco, changing the number of places where smoking is allowed, and culturally identifying it with down-market chavvy behaviour. However, it has been noticed that in doing this, a whole new set of consumers have been created. They construe the high price as indicating a luxury item and therefore to be linked to a superior class, and the consumption of tobacco as a token of resistance to petty authority - which they gather as a band to demonstrate in city pubs. They embrace risk and flout the obvious health penalties.

They aren't altogether wrong; some of the jokes about Camillia Windsor hinge around her having a Capstan Full Strength Untipped in one hand and a big gin in the other. Of course, this is a wicked caricature but it does locate smoking as something which even the highest ranking people do and when they do, it has overtones of rebellion and self-assertion.

For any individual smoker, it is hard to tell if they can be deterred from smoking, or if any efforts to do so will be counter-productive. Personally, there is nothing like a health minister banging on about legislation which equates smoking with war crimes to make me want to rush out and cadge cigarettes off passing strangers. (Well, I can't afford to smoke my own, can I?).

My guess is that if this issue between you is about control, then neither of you will manage to get off the stuff. Did I read this correctly - you started again because he did? You can't fool me with that one! I've been there and if you started again, it is because you wanted to.

So, if you are still smoking, make it your priority to get shot of this behaviour which will make you poor, smelly, and breathless.
If he wants to follow, fine, if not - it's his funeral. He'll just have to miss the fun the non-smokers have while he's outside puffing away.

You have to have a doctor supervising its use, but I have known people to respond very well to Zyban as it combats the cravings which smokers experience. The issue is health, and the only truth that matters is that smoking will kill you, him, anybody.

[Lovey]

When you stop trying to control him, he'll come to you. That is meant with the utmost respect and sincerity. You're the 'police' and he won't feel comfortable talking to you unless you accept what he is doing.
We can't force a smoker to stop smoking. Liz is right on the money with her post, hun. I know you want what is best for him, but you know yourself that when you were smoking that no one could tell you what to do! :) That is considerate of him to do it outdoors. Give him some credit. :)