Holding on to Hope

[kpfran]

Hi everybody,
after reading many of your posts i am hoping that some of you might be able to shed some light/advice on the torment i am presently going thru.
After 17 years of marriage and three children aged 11,9 & 6 my wife has told me that she dosent know if she loves me any more or wants to stay with me.
Since having the children we have devoted all our time,love and commitment to them and totaly neglected each other.We both work full time,my wife sorts the kids out in the mornings seeing them off to school and i finish work at 4 pm to be at home for them in the evenings,taking them to various activities and sorting out teas,baths & beds etc.( My wife normally comes home about 7.30 in the evening)She holds a stressful job and on arriving home only wants to unwind by talking about work.
We go out most weekends as a family and we talk most evenings but the subject is always turned around to her work.
Since December she has not worn her wedding rings at all apart from if we are going around my parents.Her reasons being that she wants me to realise she is having doubts about our future together.
Since December she has asked me not to have any sexual or phsyical contact with her.(Her reasons being that i demand to much sexually even thou it used to be only once a week) However at 40 years old for the first time she has occasionally started wearing thongs to work but tries to hide them from me.
When we are together in the evenings and at weekends we talk,laugh have fun with the kids etc.
She has said that she wants to give it the summer and then make her mind up as to wether or not to stay or leave with the kids.
I just feel that iam being asked to do everything she wants to make things work but she dosent realise that i am suffering in return by her actions.I am doing everything she is asking,from non sexual contact to spending time listening,to doing everything she wants at weekends.
The thing that really pains me is the wedding rings,because if she really wants to try to work thru this why not wear them?
We are all booked to go to Florida at the end of Oct but i have said that i dont think that i could go with this hanging over us.I have told her that she should still go with the children so as not to let them down.However should i go as well knowing that upon our return she might well still walk out?
Thankyou to you all for taking time to read this.As i hope you realise i am very confused at the moment as to what is happening in my marriage and why?

[BryanK]

Hope is tough. You hold onto if for dear life and it seems like the harder you try hold on - the more it slips away. The only advice I can give you is to try anything and everything you can until there is no doubt in your mind that you did all you could, no matter how it turns out. Personally, I don't have much hope left, but at least 6 months or a year from know I can look back and not have any regrets about not trying or giving up.

[disbelief]

I'm going through a similar situation as you except my wife has ventured into the affair stage while "following her heart" in the extracurriculars that I supported. We just have one young child, and much of our attention was devoted to her and not to ourselves or each other since she was born. It's a strange irony how sincere self-sacrifice for the good of the family can take such a disastrous turn.

Have you discussed the possibility of counseling with your wife? I'm giving that a strong go right now as it is a final effort at redemption. It's good that you're being supportive, but I wouldn't go too far in that. Remember yourself in this and don't be afraid to tell your wife your needs as well (in a firm, loving way if possible). In my case, I bent over backwards for my wife to the point where I started becoming unhappy and this just served her a further rationale to distance herself from me. Maybe you can try and win back a little magic by arranging weekend care for your children while just the two of you get away? Perhaps do a memory lane excursion and see if there's still a spark there? It seems your wife's job also lends itself to dissatisfaction - is there any chance you could get by were she to have a less stressful, lower paying job?

Unfortunately, there's too many of us who feel your pain. Hang in there as best you can and I would definitely talk this out with a trusting friend or family member for support. You will probably go through a huge emotional upheaval for the next little while and don't beat yourself up if you get angry or breakdown - it's natural. Also, don't let self-blame get to you as there's probably nothing else you could have done to avert this. Just try and work through as best you can by showing how much you still love her.

Take care.

[kpfran]

Thanks for reading my post and the advice,
I do intend to try everything because i love my wife and kids dearly.
I did try a few weeks ago asking her if she would like to go away by ourselves,but she said it was to soon.
In the past i have also suggested a less stressful job because the kids are often asking why mummy has to work so late every night.The answer i keep getting is that she likes the challenge/buzz of her work but" i "will try to come home a bit earlier sometimes.
I am afraid to raise the issue of counselling in case she takes it the wrong way.

Should i let things take their course at present seeing as we are both talking/going out together as afamily etc,or perhaps should i start to ask for answers as it has now been 3 months since this came to light.
The problem being she seems to be acting as if nothing were wrong,she appears happy contented and relaxed when we are together and i worry if i start asking questions about her still not wearing her rings or having any phsyical contact with me that i must just push her back to where she was 3 months ago.

[London]

kpfan - you'll find a lot of people on this board who have similar predicaments so glad you were able to find it!

Your post is an interesting one and it highhlights some issues you may not even know you have...

She holds a stressful job and on arriving home only wants to unwind by talking about work.


You say this as though there is something wrong with it? With all the stress she is undergoing at work, and then seeing the kids before they head to bed, the last thing your wife will want to do is talk about something else that is a major worry (but buried) - the relationship.

We go out most weekends as a family and we talk most evenings but the subject is always turned around to her work.

Talking about work is her way of communicationg to you that other aspects of the marriage are up in the air and work is the only thing she is sure of right now (as stressful as it may be) and wants to talk to you about. You can't have a discussion about the relationship with the kids around. Listen to her and see if you can be supportive.


Since December she has not worn her wedding rings at all apart from if we are going around my parents.Her reasons being that she wants me to realise she is having doubts about our future together.

That's rough. But again - she's being honest with you.

Since December she has asked me not to have any sexual or phsyical contact with her.(Her reasons being that i demand to much sexually even thou it used to be only once a week) However at 40 years old for the first time she has occasionally started wearing thongs to work but tries to hide them from me.
When we are together in the evenings and at weekends we talk,laugh have fun with the kids etc.

Have you done some soul-searching to see if you really are demanding? By the sounds of it, you seem to put all the blame of whatever is wrong in this relationship on her. For one, your points above seem to indicate that you expect her to discuss the relationship after work or on weekends when the kids around?

Now about the thongs - she is still a woman and still needs to feel like a sexual being. As much as i hate to say it, have you considered that she may be seeing someone on the side to satisfy her sexual needs?



She has said that she wants to give it the summer and then make her mind up as to wether or not to stay or leave with the kids.

Work with her on this and be a little bit respectful and supportive of her little bit more. Perhaps you can engage with her on her topics and see if she responds differently or with gratitude....

I just feel that iam being asked to do everything she wants to make things work but she dosent realise that i am suffering in return by her actions.I am doing everything she is asking,from non sexual contact to spending time listening,to doing everything she wants at weekends.

It might help if you can think back to the times the two of you were happier together and try to recreate that - by talking about those type of things and doing those kind of things together. I realise with kids in the picture that might be difficult but it seems like you guys have been coasting in this relationship for a long time now....


The thing that really pains me is the wedding rings,because if she really wants to try to work thru this why not wear them?


Becuase she needs her space.

[kpfran]

London,thankyou for trying to explain the situation from a womens point of view.What you had to say seems to stike a cord and realy make some sense.
I have offered to move out of the bedroom and even the house to give her some space and time.She has said that she dosent want this as it is our home.She has also said that she wants us all to go to Florida later in the year despite my offering for her to go alone with the kids.(i am in limbo on this because i feel she is trying to be kind as this holiday was arranged before our problems came to light)
As i said earlier ,since we talked a couple of months ago she has seemed and said she feels a lot happier and more relaxed now.The problem being that i am worried sick that despite this flicker of light that she still intends to leave at the end of the summer after the holiday.
I am not sure about counselling as she seems relaxed at present and we are trying to move forward as a family.I am worried that if i sugest it she may take offence.
Thankyou again.

[disbelief]

[The problem being that i am worried sick that despite this flicker of light that she still intends to leave at the end of the summer after the holiday.
I am not sure about counselling as she seems relaxed at present and we are trying to move forward as a family.I am worried that if i sugest it she may take offence.
QUOTE]

Leaving you hanging until the end of the summer is highly unfair. Did she provide a reason for this particular timeframe? Who's to say she won't say "let me think about it some more..." and leave you hanging longer when fall comes around. Unfortunately, London made a good point in that it begs the question whether bets are being hedged on another background relationship working out.

I would fight like hell (in a nice way of course) to press on the issues as best as possible and there's no reason why you can't suggest counseling. If she at the very least respects you still, she should not see this negatively - in fact, it should reinforce your concern and respect for the marriage. We're in a "comfortable" situation right now as well, but giving too much space can make a double life all that more convenient for your wife. I firmly believe you need to somehow make her really think about what is going on and challenge her to fully open up to you (this is the hard part).

Again, just my opinion of course......

Take care,

Disbelief

[kpfran]

Thanks Disbelief,
i honestly believe the affair is with work itself.She has often said recently that she wishes she had persued her career further.I keep telling her that at only 42 she still has time and to "go for it ".With the kids being older and more independant i keep telling her that she should try and reach her goals/ambitions,as i am hear for the kids.
Apart from the "thong" issue i have not come across any kind of evidence to suggest a personal affair.She never goes out on her own without the kids and on the many occasions i have had to ring her at work she is always there with others that i can hear in the office background.(Perhaps it is just that i am trying to not believe the possibility)and am not looking hard enough.Surely there are other reasons for marriage problems without it always having to be an affair.I am sure that if i were having an affair the last things i would do would be to take off the marriage rings and stop all sexual contact,it would make it look to obvious.Perhaps she is trying to make me suspect an affair so that i pay her the attention and give her the support she feels she hasent been getting from me.

[London]

London,thankyou for trying to explain the situation from a womens point of view.What you had to say seems to stike a cord and realy make some sense.


You're welcome..... not bad for a bloke huh..... :) I have several friends of mine through the years in a similar quandry and I have spent many many moments trying to understand their point of view.



I have offered to move out of the bedroom and even the house to give her some space and time.She has said that she dosent want this as it is our home.She has also said that she wants us all to go to Florida later in the year despite my offering for her to go alone with the kids.(i am in limbo on this because i feel she is trying to be kind as this holiday was arranged before our problems came to light)

That's not what i meant by "space". I mean emotional space. She's going through conflicting desires and needs at the moment. If my theory about her seeing someone els is true, then she's in a quandry between what she desires deep down versus a sense of reality and to a degree "obligation". At this point, you basically have to give her the emotional space she needs BUT as disbelief pointed out, you do need to bring the issue to a head with her. You need to select the timing of it very carefully. ANd by that I mean, you can't do it after she gets home form work and you can't do it when the kids are around. You'll have to engineer a full day or weekend evening to start talking to her about this. Remember, she's aware of the issues and they're most likely pressing heavily on her.



As i said earlier ,since we talked a couple of months ago she has seemed and said she feels a lot happier and more relaxed now.The problem being that i am worried sick that despite this flicker of light that she still intends to leave at the end of the summer after the holiday.
I am not sure about counselling as she seems relaxed at present and we are trying to move forward as a family.I am worried that if i sugest it she may take offence.
Thankyou again.

I think the "summer" timeline is her way of setting up a timeline for herself to come to terms with things.