It's all gone pear-shaped

[Claire]

I first posted here almost exactly a year ago when my husband left me and our three children after 15 years of being together. After about 4 months he came home and everything was hunky-dory. About 3 weeks ago he came home from a night out, slightly the worce for drink but not steaming drunk, woke me up and told me that he was unhappy again, he felt depressed and was very confused over his feelings for me, when I asked him if he wanted to move out again he said he didn't know. I was aware that things weren't as good as they had been but after starting a new job a month ago and then getting a new boss three weeks later he had been very stressed and, just like last year, I believed him when he said it was just work. He went to the doctors a couple of days later who, after chatting with him for a while came to the conclusion that since getting his great new job and getting things together in that department he'd realised that homelife wasn't all it could be, things he thought he'd got over had just been pushed under a mat and forgotten about, but they were back and we needed councelling. We can't afford councelling and anyway with three kids, no babysitter and him not getting home until 8pm I don't know when we'd fit it in anyway. We've tried talking but although I try not to be defensive everything he says are things that I feel we are already dealing with and when I say that he agrees, he said I always get moody if he's late home from work...yes I used to be, about 5 years ago, but I havn't for ages, certainly not since he came home and anyway he's only been late home on one occasion...I've worked hard to learn from my many past mistakes. I think he's trying to over complicate things, when in reality he's just outgrown me and the only reason he came home last summer was that he was jobless and homeless and at his lowest point...I thought he was sure, as did he, but deep down I think that home and me were just 'safe' and now he dosn't have outside problems to deal with the problems here have come to the fore again. It's hard not to put up barriers. After last time I know the pain of being left and I want to protect myself from that but I can't do that without retreating inside myself, which, in turn dosn't help him.
Anyone got any advice for me? I know about just being dumped without any warning, I'm new to this though...help!

[Hope]

Hi Claire,

I remember reading your posts a while back. My H had left me and I was going through a terrible time. Its been 9 months since my H has been living with his O/W and I’m finally getting over it all now.

I think you were a very strong woman to take your H back actually. I don’t believe I could have resumed life as normal even if my H had suggested he came home. One thing I will say is that even though things seem to have gone pear shaped at least you can say you’ve tried and you won’t spend anytime having any regrets about what you should or should not have done. Sometimes I wonder if things would have worked out if my H had come back especially if he’d been willing to work on himself more. Sadly I will never know the answer to that question but I will always wonder about the “what ifs”.

How do you feel at the moment? Are the feelings of possibly losing your H as frightening as the first time or do you feel a little stronger to deal with it all now? I know there’s never a right time.

Sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worst.

Hope

[London]

Claire,

You have to realise deep down that you tried and gave it all you have and thensome. As CR said, you were brave several times over especially in taking him back last summer knowing that he was back for other reasons. Nevertheless, you tried. You need to take that knowledge and understand that there's noting else you could have done or do now.

Relatiionships are a two way thing and if, as you say, he's "outgrown" you, then you can't alter that. You just have to grow yourself and become stronger to handle whatever changes come your way.... by the sounds of it, you are not too far off (even if you don;t realise it just yet). Hang in there for you, and your kids!!

[Claire]

Hello Ladies,

thanks for your replies, I hadn't thought about it but you're right, I did try and I did do my best, it isn't my fault if that isn't good enough anymore. Right now I feel scared and confused but more in charge than I did last time. Also he does at least want to try and put things right, I can see how much this is tearing him apart, he obviously dosn't want to be feeling the way he is, I guess you can't help how you feel and I would never ask him to live in misery just so I could pretend everything was OK. So, while I'll do all I can to help him get over this and support him with councelling I'll be making contingency plans for the future....I'm not saying it's all over but making positive moves just incase.

[London]

Hello Ladies,

ahem..... i am a he..... :)

[Claire]

oh blimey I'm sorry, I just assumed...I'm sorry. Good job you've got such a fantastically well developed sense of humour eh?? :)

[London]

oh blimey I'm sorry, I just assumed...I'm sorry. Good job you've got such a fantastically well developed sense of humour eh?? :)

hehe - yes. You don't happen to be Canadian do you...... "eh"?


*ps: i am not trying to derail the serious topic*
______________

[Claire]

I always find most things get sorted out easier with a little humour so no problem with a derailment...and no, I hail from South East England not Canada...but if I've got a convincing Canadian accent I might start leading a double life as a mounty :)