Confused Wife Wants to Leave

[BryanK]

I don't usually share my private life with complete strangers, but the quality of the posts on this board made me decide to give it a try. I don't know that I'll find any answers but it might just be cathartic to write it all down.

5 weeks ago my wife moved back in with her mother. We've been together for 6 years, married for 3, on Saturday she told me she doesn't think she's coming back. She says she still cares for me and when we talked on Saturday she was crying the whole time. When she left she called my best friend and told him to call me because she was worried about me and she was crying when she talked to him. She tells me she can't stand hurting me this way, but she can't seem to find the love for me she once had.

Our relationship has not been one of any real problems, no infidelity, no problems with in-laws - in fact both families get along great, no addictions, no major problems to speak of at all. In talking to her, she tells me that she feels like she is changing and that she sees me as being the "weak" one while she is the "strong" one in the relationship. She says she feels as if she has to take care of everything, take care of me, and she can't do it anymore. I don't agree with her at all, I just think she only sees what she wants to see, dwells on the negatives, and disregards everything else. From the reading I've done, I think she is suffering from depression, but I don't think she realizes or would accept that because she has such a strong personality. Her father is an alcoholic, he left her mother for another woman, her work has been extremely stressful, her grandmother died a year ago last Saturday, she was molested as a child and mugged at gunpoint as a teenager - all red flags for depression.

She's gone to a marriage counselor twice, and Wednesday we are going for the first time together. I know she is only going because it is what I want, and that worries me because I feel like she is going in already having given up and not with an open mind that this can work out. She tells me what a great husband I am, and what a great father I will be, and how I good treat her, and that she enjoys seeing me, but just doesn't (or can't) take it to the next level and come home with me. It would be so much easier if she just told me she hated me and wanted out, instead of sending such mixed signals.

Anyway, sorry for the long first post, and thank you if you made it this far.

Bryan

[London]

BryanK - welcome.


I don't agree with her at all, I just think she only sees what she wants to see, dwells on the negatives, and disregards everything else. From the reading I've done, I think she is suffering from depression, but I don't think she realizes or would accept that because she has such a strong personality. Her father is an alcoholic, he left her mother for another woman, her work has been extremely stressful, her grandmother died a year ago last Saturday, she was molested as a child and mugged at gunpoint as a teenager - all red flags for depression.



May I suggest you re-read what you just posted, especially the paragraph above. It seems to me that you also have made up your mind about your W without giving her the benefit of her feelings and reasoning. Are you not "seeing" what you want to see as well?

It is not inconceivable that she still loves you but is no longer "in love" with you due to some changes in your relationship together. Perhaps there is no growth or excitement due to things that are bothering her or you?

You've cited some "obvious" reasons why splitting up would be easier (ie "real problems, no infidelity, no problems with in-laws - in fact both families get along great, no addictions, no major problems to speak of at all") - but you don't mention the psychological or subtle issues that may exist. Perhaps a little more soul-searching on your part might uncover the reasons. If so, then you can work on addressing those issues.....

Good luck

[DDANN]

I am also new to this forum, I am in a similar situation, I want to leave for several reason and there are no real relationship problem.

My question to you is how is the intimacy in your relationship? I am not talking sex per say but how much time do you spend paying attention to each other, talking cuddling with out the TV?

[Kate]

Dear Bryan,

If your wife has been through so much in her background, then I am not surprised that she is finding it difficult to stay in a relationship. It is quite common for children from broken homes with abuse in their backgrounds to struggle. Has she personally had any counselling for some of these issues in the past? if you think she is depressed, can you get her to visit the doctor.

In addition to marriage counselling there are also couple courses available here in the UK (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/) and in USA (http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory.html) that might help you to get past this hurdle.

It sounds as if she is someone who takes responsibility for everything around her. Couples often fidn that after the first few years the romantic stage of life wears off and they find it difficult to deal with a sense of disillusion (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) that sets in, but there is hope beyond that stage, if you can find a way through.

Kate

[Concerned Reader]

Dear BryanK

I'm sorry this is happening to you and your W, as neither of you are happy.

If your W has many background issues which haven't been resolved, then it is asking a lot of you to stand by while she works them out. However, it is probably best if you do exactly that as it may help you understand how this came about. It is interesting that she is prepared to go to joint counselling. She may, indeed, have made up her mind, but the sessions offer her a way to try to make sense of what is going on in her life.

I don't know about depression; the death of a grandparent is sad, but it is very much within the normal course of events, so if your W is reacting very deeply to it, that would suggest something else going on. It might be better to drop the idea of depression as an explanation, partly because it has to be diagnosed by a doctor and partly because medicalizing your W's concerns can cause disagreement - she may want her unhappiness to be recognized, not treated as an illness. Since you mention the alcoholic father, I can vouch for the truth that such an individual early on in family life causes havoc and distorts relationships for years. Unfortunately, there is almost nothing you can do to help your W with this, except stand by while she comes to terms with the past.

Besides, the counselling is a chance for you to raise some issues of your own. You wrote:
"She says she feels as if she has to take care of everything, take care of me, and she can't do it anymore. I don't agree with her at all, I just think she only sees what she wants to see, dwells on the negatives, and disregards everything else."

These are contradictory viewpoints and it ought to be possible to sort out exactly what is going on. I'm not there so I can't tell how responsibility is divided up in your marriage. But does she do 'everything'? Can you get closer to what that means? For all I know, everything may actually be split right down the middle, fair 'n' square, but it is a very strong statement for your W to be making if that is the case.

One point most advisors seem to make is that you may not agree with a point, but it is very important to show that you are acknowledging having heard the point even if you have to ask for clarification of exactly what the person means. (This is standard practice for everything from retail customer service to UN negotiations.) The counselling will give you a chance to do that explicitly. I'm not saying that this is a miracle cure, but it does usually help people who are at variance to begin to move to more concilliatory positions.

There is a process beginning here and I do hope that it results in the rebuilding of your marriage because your W may otherwise find out that it is not so easy to replace a decent man who wants a family. But if the worst comes to the very worst, and she simply cannot be happy with herself or you, then it may be better to face that now while there are no children and it is relatively early on. It's a pity if it doesn't work out, but both of you will be able to recover from a false start if you have to.

[BryanK]

May I suggest you re-read what you just posted, especially the paragraph above. It seems to me that you also have made up your mind about your W without giving her the benefit of her feelings and reasoning. Are you not "seeing" what you want to see as well?

It is not inconceivable that she still loves you but is no longer "in love" with you due to some changes in your relationship together. Perhaps there is no growth or excitement due to things that are bothering her or you?
Very good point and definitely something for me to think about. I know we are both very stubborn people and I may just be in denial myself. Thank you.

[BryanK]

My question to you is how is the intimacy in your relationship? I am not talking sex per say but how much time do you spend paying attention to each other, talking cuddling with out the TV?
We spent all of our time together, but for the last six months it has been more of a feeling of being friends or roommates than being husband and wife. We still get along great, but the intimacy has faded.

[BryanK]

If your wife has been through so much in her background, then I am not surprised that she is finding it difficult to stay in a relationship. It is quite common for children from broken homes with abuse in their backgrounds to struggle. Has she personally had any counselling for some of these issues in the past? if you think she is depressed, can you get her to visit the doctor.
None, and even now I get the feeling her last two visits to the counselor we are going to go to have not gone how she would've liked. I know she is against taking anti-depressants, so it will be a very touchy topic.

It sounds as if she is someone who takes responsibility for everything around her. Couples often fidn that after the first few years the romantic stage of life wears off and they find it difficult to deal with a sense of disillusion (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) that sets in, but there is hope beyond that stage, if you can find a way through.
You hit the nail on the head. She feels like everything is her responsibility and when things do not go right, it is her fault and her cross to bear. She does not share her feelings with others, even her own sister, and she thinks she just has to be "strong" and work it out on her own. Thank you for the links.

[BryanK]

Besides, the counselling is a chance for you to raise some issues of your own. You wrote:
"She says she feels as if she has to take care of everything, take care of me, and she can't do it anymore. I don't agree with her at all, I just think she only sees what she wants to see, dwells on the negatives, and disregards everything else."

These are contradictory viewpoints and it ought to be possible to sort out exactly what is going on. I'm not there so I can't tell how responsibility is divided up in your marriage. But does she do 'everything'? Can you get closer to what that means? For all I know, everything may actually be split right down the middle, fair 'n' square, but it is a very strong statement for your W to be making if that is the case.
It's tough to say. Around the house - I do almost everything - cleaning, dishes, trash, vacuuming, walk the dog, etc. and she does the laundry. She does make more money than I do, which I think is an issue with her, and she pays the mortgage while I pay all for everything else. One example would be when I asked her to walk the dog one night, because I just didn't feel like it, and she got very upset saying things like "So what's going to happen when we have a kid, and you don't feel like taking care of him?" I was shocked, and I reminded her that I walk the dog twice a day, rain or shine, every single day regardless of time, and all I was asking was she do it once, but in her mind the hundreds of times I walked the dog were irrelevant and she only saw the one time I asked for help. When we bought our house, we had a lot of problems with the bank, and there was one thing she had to take care of while on a work trip, and she brought that up as another example, but she doesn't remember that I was the one who researched the loan, got quotes, credit reports, picked the bank, repeatedly called our agent and rep, and did a lot of other things. She only remembers what I didn't do.

I am not saying I am perfect in any way. I know I need to look hard at myself right now and figure out what it is I am doing. Thank you and everyone else for your input and the links, I really appreciate your help.

[disbelief]

Hi Bryan,

I completely empathize with your situation as I'm going through a similar experience - the only big difference is that my wife is in the affair stage (see my previous postings). Come to think of it, my wife also has a troubled background and has often suffered from low self esteem and is prone to crying. I have ALWAYS been there when she was down, encouraging her all the way. I also do the majority of chores inside and outside the house and have even worked two jobs when times were tough financially. Like the scenario with your dog walking, I have often been challenged when I wanted to do something for myself on the rare occasion. Sometimes we need to stand our ground because we can't live our lives under someone else's ideals of who we should be and how we should act! It just won't work.

She has said for a couple of months that our interests are different, that she is changing (sound familiar?) and that she has lost feelings for me. When I discovered the affair, these sentiments intensified and she even blurted out that I don't support her activities. This is completely untrue as I help her with her work and her extra curricular activities any way I can, in addition to looking after our child when she is out. She then said that I don't love her the way she needs to be loved, as if all my hard work and support and genuine "I love you's" weren't enough. When asked how she needed to be loved, the response was "I don't know, I'm confused". She then said that I just wasn't a "happy person" (similar to how your wife labels you "weak") and that made her unhappy. Like everyone else, I get a little down sometimes, especially when my wife is unhappy or can't be pleased with what we have no matter how hard I try. But I'm certainly not an unhappy or depressed person by any stretch! And even so, this behavioural element should have brought this up before getting to this crisis stage if it was a concern for her. It sounds like we're both victims to some projection of our spouses own feelings, emotions and insecurities.

From what I gather, you've also been a very supportive husband. I too have been beating myself up over what I could have done differently to avert this crisis, but WE ARE WHO WE ARE. If the person who married us has suddenly fallen out of love with us, there is little we can do but try and keep the communication open. I feel counseling is an extremely important step and I'm glad to hear your wife has agreed (as has mine). But ultimately she will need to break through the wall she has built up between you to get the benefits and this may be tough. Supporting her 100% through this will be even tougher.

If you're like most of us in this situation, you've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride, showing feelings of depression, anger and disbelief. I have expressed some angry emotions and bitterness along with extreme sorrow in front of my wife. Somehow you'll need to deal with these to keep your sanity. Do something for yourself as the worst thing you can do is over-analyze and give in to extreme emotions. But if you do get emotional one way or another, don't blame yourself afterwards - we're only human and this is a natural response to feeling betrayed. I guess we both need to find the right balance between showing our love and concern without smothering while holding confidence that it can still work out.

Again, don't beat yourself up!! We must be true to ourselves and do all we can going forward. Feel free to read my post(s) as well and respond - I'm still in need of all the support I can get right now too....

Take care,

Disbelief

[BryanK]

Wow - maybe our wives are related! Thanks for the post and good luck.

[Concerned Reader]

She does make more money than I do, which I think is an issue with her, and she pays the mortgage while I pay all for everything else. One example would be when I asked her to walk the dog one night, because I just didn't feel like it, and she got very upset saying things like "So what's going to happen when we have a kid, and you don't feel like taking care of him?"

Dear BryanK

I'm not passing any opinions, because I am not there, OK? I'm just pointing out that in that paragraph there is a great tension over financial arrangements and that may, or may not, be reflected in the legal/financial structure of the marriage.

For example, these days it would be fairly standard for a two-income household to have a joint mortgage, meaning the debt is enforcable against both parties. This might vary if, say, the property was established before the marriage, which would make the incoming partner closer to a special lodger - one who acquires certain property rights by virtue of the marriage. The point I am making is that this can be at the risk of making one partner - usually the woman - the junior partner. I emphasise, I'm not saying any particular way is better than another, but it is worth recognizing how power relationships are reflected in property arrangements.

Also, your W shifted the ground very quickly to mentioning children. It occurs to me, without any good evidence, that at around six years in to a relationship, many people would be considering trying for a family. If your W doesn't want to do that, but it has been assumed - or even explicitly stated - up to now that trying for children is the next project, she may be in quite a bind over this. Maybe she doesn't want to try for children and just doesn't want to say that? She did mention about you being a wonderful father. Maybe you will have to think about how you feel about trying to have children.

(This could all be way off the mark; it's only that when something sticks in your mind, it often points to something important. However, it can mean something obliquely related to the actual statement, and it is always possible that it meant nothing at all.)

Counselling might be more use to you than you expect as you, too, are entitled to recognition of what you contribute to the marriage. I think it might play well if you thank your W for going to counselling and say how it helps you with this situation. Your W likes to feel that she is doing the right thing and being responsible - and both of those are normally regarded as virtues.

[BryanK]

Well we went to the counselor together yesterday, and the bottom line was that she still loves me but is no longer IN love with me and doesn't see how she can get those feelings back. She said I was not providing her with the support she needed and she wants to be taken care of. The therapist was not as much help as I had hoped, obviously it's not easy hearing things you don't want to hear, but at the same time I was hoping for her to suggest options or tools we could use to try and work on things, I felt like she was also of the opinion that there wasn't any hope. In the end we decided that she would move back home for a month and I would move out - both for her to at least see what it is she is giving up and for me to not be in that house anymore constantly dwelling on our marriage. After a month we are going to go back to the therapist and see what happens. Part of me is still hanging on to the hope she will find a way to feel different and the rest of me is pretty sure I am in denial and that our marriage is over. It is the most pain I have ever endured in my life. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has offered their advice and for letting me vent.

[disbelief]

Hi Bryan,

It feels like you are me in a parallel universe or something....

I'm sorry to hear your counseling session didn't go as well as your were hoping for.
Coincidentally, we also went to a counselor yesterday and I also didn't feel any major breakthrough happened either. I guess we can't expect instant enlightenment although we certainly hope for it, don't we? We are going again next week, so I'll just keep hoping I suppose. I guess the only thing you and I can do is keep up the hope but also brace ourselves for the worst, should it occur.

Your wife's words and feelings are so similar to mine it's frightening. My wife has also said she wants to be alone, but I'm being obstinate and not leaving the house. This was recommended by a personal counselor and I suspect the affair is the very reason to not leave my wife alone (ie. provides the golden opportunity to move deeper into it).

In your case, the time apart may help both of you seriously evaluate your relationship, but I know how hard it is when the loving feelings are one-sided. I know how unbelievable the pain is and venting is the best thing you can do - either here or speaking with close friends and family. After three weeks, I'm finally stabilizing somewhat, although it will be hard letting go of 12 years should it get to that point. It's so hard to believe that millions of people go through what we're going through right now, isn't it?

Take care of yourself and try to keep busy doing things you can enjoy when possible.

[BryanK]

I guess the only thing you and I can do is keep up the hope but also brace ourselves for the worst, should it occur.
You are absolutely right. It's rough as hell, as you know, but I figure I am far from the first to go through this, and I know I won't be the last, but I just never thought it would happen to me. It would be so much easier if I didn't love her so much and miss her so badly - especially when I know she doesn't feel the same way. It's a very powerless and frustrating feeling. All I can do now is concentrate on myself and my future and fight the emotions and negative thoughts - the "I should've done this" or "If I only did that" thoughts that eat away at your stomach.

[BryanK]

Update.

Yesterday I found a letter from her friend/boss detailing their night of passion together. Apparently, after she left me, the two of them got together. She swears it was only after she left (like it matters) and that it was a huge mistake on her part. At this point, I am at a loss for what to do next. After reading the letter I called her immediately and let her have it with both barrels, something I've never done before - 45 minutes of me telling her everything I ever wanted to say (and then some) with no sugar-coating. What I didn't know is that she was in her car and she was driving to me. After she got there, we spent another couple hourse talking about things, and the strangest thing is that it was the best talk we've had in a long, long time. Almost refreshing in an odd way. It was as if we both had nothing left to lose so we didn't hold back.

At the end of it, she said she has no feelings for the OM, and it was a mistake. She still doesn't know what she wants, she can't commit to coming back - or trying to work things out - but she can't see herself leaving either. She says she second guesses herself all the time and worries she is making a huge mistake she will regret for the rest of her life. On my side, I need to figure out what it is I want at this point and whether or not I will be able to life with what has happened. Do I keep trying or say "enough is enough" and move on with my life withour her? It would be so much easier if I could hate her, or stay mad enough at her to walk away, and the same goes for her. She told me she is still confused and unsure and she doesn't know why instead of telling me to f-off when I confronted her, she decided to drive to me to work things out. If she wanted out - wasn't that the perfect time and place to leave? Is she just waiting for me to make the final decision so she won't have to feel bad about it?

Also - as I said, I know the OM. We used to spend a lot of time with him and his W. His W has no idea what happened, should I tell her, or is that being vindictive?

[London]

BryanK -

Also - as I said, I know the OM. We used to spend a lot of time with him and his W. His W has no idea what happened, should I tell her, or is that being vindictive?

Yes, that would be vindictive. Furthermore, it's not your responsibility to address OM's morality. Your marital woes are something you need to work out with your wife, not OM or OM's W.

As far as how to progress. It sounds like you guys are at least talking. I still suggest you look inside yourself for what *YOU* want and allow her the same space. What is it that you want from all of this.

Assuming your W did only get together with the chap after you guys split up, then accept it as such (that means no snide remarks). She says it was a mistake - okay, that's typical. She's a confused person right now and the attention/passion at the time with OM felt right (and needed). She wasn't thinking that it was "cheating" on you since you guys were "separated". After the deed, she realises that he's married and that it was a mistake. Whatever. You'll need to accept that if you want to reconcile with her.

You on the other hand also seem equally "confused" - stay/go/throw her out/ move on etc.... You'll need to address the deeper parts of what you want from her - all things being equal. DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH TO CONTINUE WITH HER?

[helenrw200]

I agree with london, although it may feel as if you want the OM's W to know, this could be taken as a feeling of revenge ? You have enough problems in dealing with your own and your wife's feelings , don't involve the OM's W, you could end up feeling worse in the long run.
Helen

[BryanK]

Yes, that would be vindictive. Furthermore, it's not your responsibility to address OM's morality. Your marital woes are something you need to work out with your wife, not OM or OM's W. Good point, however from a non-vindictive point of view, I feel bad for his W because I liked her and part of me feels like it is my responsibilty to let her know. But I guess all that is the least of my worries at this time.

As far as how to progress. It sounds like you guys are at least talking. I still suggest you look inside yourself for what *YOU* want and allow her the same space. What is it that you want from all of this.If you asked me that two days ago - I would've said all I wanted was for us to work things out and find the answers we are looking for. Now - I can't say. I've never been cheated on in my life before, and I always told myself if it happened - I would leave, no question about it. Now here I am, and I haven't left.

Assuming your W did only get together with the chap after you guys split up, then accept it as such (that means no snide remarks). She says it was a mistake - okay, that's typical. She's a confused person right now and the attention/passion at the time with OM felt right (and needed). She wasn't thinking that it was "cheating" on you since you guys were "separated". After the deed, she realises that he's married and that it was a mistake. Whatever. You'll need to accept that if you want to reconcile with her.I agree 100%, the hard part is putting it into practice. I know the OM is in love with her, he said that and much more in the letter I found, and they still work together, not at the same office anymore, but contact between them will be unavoidable. I have to find out if that is something I can live with and if I can trust her again.
You on the other hand also seem equally "confused" - stay/go/throw her out/ move on etc.... You'll need to address the deeper parts of what you want from her - all things being equal. DO YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH TO CONTINUE WITH HER?Confused doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. In the last 24 hours I've run the gamut of emotions from rage to understanding. I guess I need time to let things even out and see which emotion is still coming through the strongest. Part of me things I must love her enough to continue, or I wouldn't be here or I wouldn't have talked to her for hours yesterday. But the other part of me is now nagging at me that I am just too chicken to leave.

Thanks for the reply.

[London]

BryanK -

At least you have recognised what your confusion is about - that you either love her or are too chicken to leave. Guess what? Your W is probably feeling the same way. Although, she has in the past said to you that she doesn't feel any passion for you - that may have been her way of saying to you that she doesn't feel any passion coming from YOU.

Re: telling OM's W - yes you read in the letter that OM is "in love" with your W. But again, you need to work on YOUR marital situation and HE needs to sort out his. Your W already told you that she doesn't feel anything for the OM (for what its worth, you need to take that at face value - for now).

[Concerned Reader]

Dear BryanK

Given the long conversation which was unexpectedly helpful, perhaps this article might help:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/marfirstaid/index8.html

[BryanK]

Thanks, that was a good read - I liked the excercises.

[disbelief]

Hi Bryan,

How are you holding up? Have you made any more progress in your discussions? It sounds like you still have hope, provided you and your W can find a way to "connect" again. I know how confusing and painful the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" statement is - I've heard it verbatim.

In my case, I finally broke through to the truth last night and found out she was trying to stay together more out of guilt and sense of duty than true love and that she has been in contact with the OM the whole time. My intuition knew this was the case, but I just wanted to hear if from her. This has been going on since I first uncovered the affair, and in a wierd way it feels good to finally HEAR the truth. She still has deep feelings for the OM and I respect that she is finally cutting through her lies and deceit. However painful this may be initially, it may warrant a solid effort on your part to find out if this may be the case in your situation.

We're now examining separation options and doing it in a cool and collective manner. Maybe it's just the pure emotional exhaustion that is giving me a sense of relief working toward this closure, who knows. The wierd thing is, we're still sleeping in the same bed together comfortably. It's as if the truth has set things free and amidst the pain and hatred a certain peace has emerged. Emotions are strange.....

Keep in touch, I know how tough it is.

Take care,

Disbelief

[BryanK]

How are you holding up?
You know the drill, up one minute, down the next. Trying to stay busy as possible and keep the mind occupied.
Have you made any more progress in your discussions? It sounds like you still have hope, provided you and your W can find a way to "connect" again. I know how confusing and painful the "I love you but I'm not IN LOVE with you" statement is - I've heard it verbatim. No, no real progress of late. I sent her a long email today kind of outlining my thoughts, without being overly serious or dramatic, just matter-of-fact. May have been a mistake, but we'll see how it turns out, or if I'll get a response. I talked to her this morning and she sounded down, which is why I sent the email. I have no idea how we can "connect" again, but at this time I just need to work on me and what makes me happy and see how things work themselves out.
In my case, I finally broke through to the truth last night and found out she was trying to stay together more out of guilt and sense of duty than true love and that she has been in contact with the OM the whole time. My intuition knew this was the case, but I just wanted to hear if from her. This has been going on since I first uncovered the affair, and in a wierd way it feels good to finally HEAR the truth. She still has deep feelings for the OM and I respect that she is finally cutting through her lies and deceit. However painful this may be initially, it may warrant a solid effort on your part to find out if this may be the case in your situation. Thank you for sharing that. I know exactly what you were going through before you found out because that's what I think of daily. Was she telling the truth that it was a mistake? Is she just still trying to not hurt my feelings? Would she go to him if he left his wife? According to her, it's over, it was a mistake, and she doesn't want to be with him - but how do you ever know for sure when she told you before there wasn't anybody else? How many times can you confront her? Should I confront her again and ask her one more time - and if I did would I belive her then? It's amazing the tricks your mind can play on you.
We're now examining separation options and doing it in a cool and collective manner. Maybe it's just the pure emotional exhaustion that is giving me a sense of relief working toward this closure, who knows. In my case it seems like it takes a few days to set in, kind of like I'm in shock, and then when it hits, it hits hard! I felt pretty decent on Sunday after finding out and talking, and each day after I felt progressively worse. I'd give anything for numbness sometimes.
The wierd thing is, we're still sleeping in the same bed together comfortably. Take advantage of that man, seriously. I would give anything to have the chance to see her everyday and work on things together. I bought the book Divorce Remedy and it has really helped give me some perspective and some ideas. I highly recommend it, I just kick myself for not doing this 6 months ago when I had the chance to work on things while we were together.

Best of luck.