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lucy
17th April 2005, 05:36 PM
there is not much written anywhere on this subject, so my fiancee and i are trying to seek advice on this matter from Christian sources.
one of my fiancee's best friends is a girl and they have been friends (nothing more) for some time. she is single, but dating, and i have met her and like her very much. up until now, they have gotten together occasionally for dinner/catch ups etc.
my opinion on the subject is that these outings should now be 'couple' outings and not just the two of them. my fiancee feels that it should be o.k. to go out with her from time to time because it is a platonic relationship.
this is a new situation to us both, and we are both open to each other's point of view, however we would like to seek advice from others who might have experience or wisdom in this area.
thanks, Lucy

Passing by
18th April 2005, 03:02 PM
Dear Lucy

I'm not a Christian and I have no wisdom or experience on which I would care to qualify advice.

However, if you go back through the archives, you will find a lively range of opinions on this. It seems to go very much up to the individuals involved and, in the end, rests on how comfortable they personally are with certain friendship patterns. One person will be entirely happy with the idea of platonic friends, another argues that they divert energy out of the marriage to the extent of threatening it.

So each marriage has the best chance of survival if the couples are honest about what they can or cannot tolerate right from the start. It is all very well to be open to another's point of view, but if you are feeling already that this is a source of dissent, something with the potential to sour and undermine the marriage, you are right to be open about that now.

I do know a little about cultural rules and how they operate. In a Western-style Christian marriage I would normally expect rules to be symmetrical these days.

In this case, either you both are allowed exclusive platonic friends or neither are. If your H expects to have platonic friends and divert resources to them (time, emotional energy, money), then he has to accept that you also will be going out with old what's his name and paying for dinner, being available to perform emotional support etc. It should be a reasonable expectation that you will actually do this, not a theoretical permission which your H does not expect to have to tolerate because you don't actually have any exclusive platonic friends.

Put it another way - is he really cool with you spending time and money and perhaps splitting your loyalty with other men?
And if he is not happy with that, why should you be?

For my part, since you have said the young lady can see you as a couple, or bring her own boyfriend, I would have thought that was reasonable.

Sierra
18th April 2005, 11:49 PM
Let me make this perfectly clear.

There is NO SUCH THING as male/female friendships. It does not happen.

For a man there are only two kinds of women - those you have slept with, and those you haven't slept with yet.

I know this is difficult, but that is the way it is.

Men do not chose to be friends with girls to whom they are not sexually attracted. Never happens. How many really good looking guys do you see being friends with ugly, obese women?

Try ZERO.

Some girls you can have right now. Those you sleep with. Others, for one reason or another, you can't. So instead you go into a parking orbit like a plane circling Heathrow figuring you can sleep with them later. As soon as the tower sends up the "all clear" I guarantee that plane is going to try and land.

Girls may be able to be friends with guys, but it does not work the other way around.

D

Kate
19th April 2005, 07:47 AM
I don't agree. I have lots of male friends who aren't waiting to jump into bed with me. Please don't tar all men with your brush!


Kate

Sierra
19th April 2005, 03:55 PM
I suppose when you get older it might work.....based on some sort of mutual dependancy or something. Now that I think about that.....nah....I was right the first time.

If the men you know haven't tried then there is something else at work.

Unless you can tell me that for some reason you can guarantee that it could never, ever happen, then they are just waiting for the tower to signal that the airport is open!

I know what I am talking about on this one!!!

D

Kate
19th April 2005, 07:47 PM
Dear Sierra

All you know about is yourself!! And I'm bored with that!!

Kate

Sierra
19th April 2005, 10:24 PM
Contrary to what you would like to believe, the world contains a lot of universal truths. This is one of them.

It may bore you, but it is a universal truth. Period. It doesn't have anything to do with me really...except that I understand it.

Once you understand that life has everything to do with nature, you will begin to see the currents that sweep us and all living things along.

D

Kate
20th April 2005, 11:20 AM
I'm sorry Sierra you are not talking about universal truths but about how you personally see life.

Sierra
20th April 2005, 04:06 PM
Yeah, but I got a pretty accurate view. There is no such thing as platonic love or unconditional love.

For instance, all love is conditional. At a minimum it is conditional on that love being returned.

If you disagree name one person you love who you know hates you.

Platonic love and male female friendships don't exist.

If it did, sex would not "ruin" a friendship. It ruins it because now that it has happened, one party has suddenly lost interest in being friends because the sexual attraction is gone.

I guarantee that if you really really tested it, every one of your so-called male friends would have sex with you in a hot second if they thought they could get away with it.


D

Sierra
20th April 2005, 05:25 PM
Exactly. This is why you never see really attractive people being friends with really unattractive members of the opposite sex.

Just does not happen.

I had a girlfriend once that described men as "little lost airplanes, each buzzing around looking for a place to land".

Well, signal you are available and watch and see how many of your "friends" suddenly try to land.

D

Doremouse
9th June 2005, 04:06 PM
I am a married female and not unattractive and have 2 excellent male friends (both also rather pleasant on the eye). I admit that an attraction has to exist in some form but that is a shallow look on a friendship that provides, fun, laughter and ultimately a completely different view to yours that can spark the most enjoyable debates.
I would also say that sex is something that you can learn to control no matter what the attraction to others is. Lets' face it there are thousands of people out there with good marriages but may still want to have sex with someone else. After all that is human nature. But that is why we have morals and principles, so that we can educate ourselves to control our emotions. I do not personally belive that monogomy is a natural thing but it helps shape ourselves and our lives with our partners so that we have trust and that too applies to our friends, whether male or female. Keep it alive and keep all your friends... they make you live longer you know!