Confused beyond belief - don't know how much more I can take

[disbelief]

Well, it's been a couple weeks now since I found out about my wife's emotional affair (see my earlier post) and I've been feeling emotions I never knew were possible. Extreme anger, depression, bitterness and ambivalence all tied in with insomnia. I got medication from my doctor to sleep, but I still feel like I'm "losing it" at times....

Here's the situation - my wife's extracurricular music activity is important to her - she loves the music and the people and this is really her only social outlet. Unfortunately, the guy she hooked up with is the choir leader/conductor and is also part of the committee she is on. Since I found out about this, she has sworn that she hasn't made any personal contact with this guy outside of choir duties, but I'm almost certain she has. I told her that should we reconcile, I would expect her to quit this choir and join another one. She says she can't do that - she's already committed for next year and it would be like taking a huge part of her life away. She thought this was unfair and controlling, whereas I thought it was the least she could do to help out my troubled mind. After all, the temptation to revisit something would be that much closer.

I get the same old story from her that any decision to separate would have nothing to do with the other guy as she says she has doubts whether it would work long term anyway. I've seen an e-card he sent to her (it's how I found out about the affair) and it's like a lame highschool sweetheart note about how he feels he can take on the world when he's around her etc. etc. The guy's in his 50's (also married) and my wife is in her 30's. The sad thing is, I have quite literally taken on a huge part of the world to try and satisfy my wife in all ways, including time for herself. I honestly thought of her as my soul mate. She says she feels trapped in our relationship and just isn't happy with me anymore. She says she wants to be alone (with our 3 year old), but has financial concerns along with family concerns and is afraid I'm going to spill the beans on her affair. I suspect if she had a million dollars in her hands, the decision would be easier. I don't know if there are alterior motives at play. I'm still trying to figure out how two people can love each other so much and then just one of the pair suddenly falls out of love. I think the routine and financial responsibilities of parenthood may have made a rough spot in our relationship, but isn't this just part of life?

Unfortunately, I sometimes get beside myself and blurt out angry words and then subsequently break down saying I'm sorry. She threatened to go to a motel tonight, but I got my composure back and it didn't happen. I know I shouldn't be getting angry or saying sorry, but sometimes it just seems uncontrollable. I still love my wife very much, despite the betrayal and can't help but hope it will still work out somehow. We go to counseling next week, so I guess more may come out then. It's just so hard waiting to see what will happen. My wife is so indecisive right now and it's killing me, along with the suspicion of what is still going on behind my back. I wish she would break down and commit to working with me to rebuild our life, but I guess that's not realistic right now.

To date, I have had some kind exchanges in other threads and this has helped in keeping me going.

Does anyone have any further words of advice? How can I keep my emotions in check? Am I being unreasonable asking her to quit this choir if we decide to try and move on? Help, I'm going crazy......

[Concerned Reader]

Dear Disbelief

I always think that walking on broken dreams hurts worse than walking on broken glass.

However, there is a pressing reason why you should find a way of keeping your temper, and that is because it gives you the best chance of recovering the situation. That is easy to say and difficult to do. If necessary, go back to the doctor and explain that you don't have the luxury of withdrawing from a situation and that your overwhelming emotions are making it either difficult to communicate, or threaten to make anying which is said damaging and counter-productive. Anti-depressants don't solve anything in my view, and doctors are unwilling, rightly, to dish them out, but talk to the doctor again and see what they say.

It is in your long-term interests to minimise and down-play the role of this 'affair' and so I am not sure if it is going to serve you to demand that your W withdraws from the choir. Since the choirmaster has probably indulged in his favourite fantasy several times, the chances are that your W is not the only woman in receipt of notes of his affection. Fifty pence says that the other women in the choir are sniggering behind their song-sheets at her.

But really, do you need to worry about a beau whose idea of romance is dashing off an e-card? No matter what it said, it involved much less effort than going down the card shop, scribbling a note, and posting it. I've had better thank-you notes from childrens' birthday parties than that.

When your W says 'it wouldn't work out' she is admitting that, having taken off her socks and done the arithmetic which requires all her fingers and toes to count the years between them, the prospect of being a good-looking fifty-something accompanying a man in his seventies is not automatically a good idea.

My guess - and it is only a guess - is that if you avoid making the choir an issue, she may choose to leave soon anyway. Or he will give her the heave-ho when she gets bored with flattering him. By insisting on her leaving, you make it an issue of 'who says', creating an extra area of tension and making it an issue about control. The cool response here is a sniffy " Don't fancy yours much". Don't imbue this man with a glamour he doesn't deserve. He's no great lover - he can't be bothered to splash out a squirt of fountain pen ink, so he won't risk a drop of his heart's blood.

Nor, I suspect, would he be prepared to take on the financial committment your wife requires. He may have a mistaken idea of exactly how much you are worth.

Tell your W that you wouldn't dream of 'spilling the beans' on her affair, because a) she hasn't had one and b) even if she had, you wouldn't want people to think she had such a regrettable lapse of taste.

Your W is right to raise certain issues, though; you wrote:
"I have quite literally taken on a huge part of the world to try and satisfy my wife in all ways, including time for herself."

Obviously, I'm outside and have no way of telling how the work and responsibilities are divided up in your marriage, but it does seem there is some imbalance which at least needs talking about.

When you say your wife is indecisive, that can sometimes be a genuine expression of being open to negotiation. While it is not positive, it also isn't completely negative. It's more like a neutral position from which to see how things work out.

Since your W is prepared to go to counselling, take that as a sign that she wants to create a safe space to raise these matters and wait to see what comes out there. It is also a chance for you to explain again how perfectly serious you are about the marriage, just in case anyone was in any doubt about that.

Since waiting is the hardest part, you might want to do a financial review and check your affairs are in order. The detail will distract you, it's something which ought to be done regularly anyway, and it will help you feel more in control of something in this chaotic emotional situation.

I hope things begin to calm down soon.

[Anon SB]

Hi Disbelief

I understand your concerns, and the mixed emotions you're feeling , I went through a similiar situation and feelings over the last 4 months ,weve just started to build our relationship again although its not been easy.

My emotions were the same in sense you felt angry & betrayed but in the other you would want to hold youre wife and give her the loving you feel or says has been missing.
I too when though the stages of feeling inscure, work was suthering lack of focus or interest in anything other than the situation that was suffocating & surrounding me.

My wife although through 2 mths of heartache said she was trying at our relationship she lied about the contact (emotional affair) with the other person. Who was she protecting me my feelings or her own at the time it was very difficult in understanding the situation.

But afterwards there was me trying to be for giving one minute , angry the next, the positive emotions i gave were pitched against the other guy who was romancing her mind his marriage had broken down 6 months earlier this guy was lonely and still getting over his own breakdown.

So the situation existed whereby family life settled into routines my wife who knew me well competing against something new which seem exciting.

My situation changed, from approaching the other guy maybe not a good thing but I felt better for it in someways. Or having to be cruel to be kind this is the hardest.

What did work is afterwards I started to think about myself, You have to remember the affair is not your fault, circumstances do change you still have to give her the trust to do ththings she wants to do,but in return she needs to give you the reassurance about wanting it to work. My wife said the most negative hateful things about our marriage, and the way she said I treated her , but now she feels guilty a times the fact that she confided in friends she realised they were only interested in the drama of it all, and thats all it seems like now she says she cant believe the way she had been and what she was risking.

Once confronting the third party or the situation as whole the whole thing can turn it self on its head and be like reality & not fantasy. The key thing is to think about yourself, be strong, be positive , be caring but dont over do it , let her notice that youre stepping back a little, she will notice , then keep being positive

[disbelief]

Thanks again for your kind words Anon and Concerned. It's a really tough road to travel on right now but I'm really trying. I will certainly think of myself in all of this as it's so easy to fall prey to hateful feelings about the other parties. If it works out, great! If not, I realize now that I can part knowing I did all I can and eventually start anew with someone who may really love me for who I am, not for who they feel I must be (an impossible ideal in this case).

[disbelief]

Well, it's been nearly a month since I found out about the affair and some things have slowly come out in the open through counselling. It looks like my wife and the other guy had discussed a game plan in terms of eventually getting together, but I have since managed to cast some doubt on the plan. The hooks are set a lot deeper than I originally thought.

Like Anon's post in this thread, I know my wife is still carrying on the emotional affair behind my back and she lies about it point blank to me - I guess that's a pretty standard occurrence, but it hurts so much nonetheless. And like Anon, the situation exists where my wife who knows me well has me competing against something new and exciting. I've tried reasoning with her and point out that the illusion she is gravitating towards will become an abyss based on all of the factors (big age difference, guy is married, rumours say this guy has pulled this stunt before, family and our child's acceptance of this, statistics, etc.). I'm not doing this in a threatful manner, but rather directly and rationally. And then I try and get her to think about the importance of our family and the love within and how it can be so much more beautiful if she would just put her energy back in our marriage again. Our child is getting to a real fun age right now, and I have lots of things I would like to do as a family this summer that we were unable to do before. Things are looking so "up" were it not for this situation.

The worst part to all of this is that my wife says she genuinely does not have the same feelings for me any longer. She says the other guy has little to do with it, but I believe this to be only partially true. We were deeply in love not too long ago, and it has only been since parenthood and its routines occurred that our relationship suffered a little. The distance became MUCH greater only after she started her affair.

This is the hardest part - trying to win her back over someone else she has spent hours giving her heart to in her escape world while I stayed home looking after our child. The problem is, her heart and mind are divided and so it is impossible to move on.

I've started to push a little with the ultimatums, including demanding full closure of her other relationship in the near future if she wants us to work out again. From what I have seen and learned, these affairs almost always continue to go on in the background unless something severe shakes it up. I guess my job is to try and find the best avenue in this regard. Does anyone have any ideas??

I have thought about telling the other guy's wife point blank what is going on, but thinking about it there are a number of potentially negative repercussions. I have been turning this over and over in my head and I just can't think of a decisive plan of action.

I have informed certain family members of this, including her father who is extremely disappointed in what she has done (this is currently held in secret). I felt it necessary to have this support to solicit advice and to protect myself from potential slander and for legal reasons as well. Also, I consider him a good friend who deserves to know what's going on.

Of course, the last option is to call it quits and see what happens after separation. I know this would be a hard step, but after all of this betrayal and constant in-your-face lies, it would almost be a relief. Goodness knows what she is still planning in the background with this other guy, so I guess I better watch my back as well.

If anyone has more words of support or wisdom, please, please post.....

[callow]

Hi Disbelief

I have found a lot of use in the DivorceBuster methods. Basically you don't do anything to push your spouse futher away. You work on getting your own life sorted and try to do things differently. There is a website http://divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php
and I think you will find the methods helpful in your situation. You can also buy the book from Amazon. Personally I feel banning the choir is the wrong thing, if it wasn't this particular man it would be someone else.

I am finding that I am having to do a lot of soul searching, which is good and finding the reasons for our marital problems. My husband has no interest in the moment at persuing a reconcilliation but we are still talking and I hope he gets to the stage where he would like to try.

All the best

S

[Kate]

Divorce Busting (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divbust/) and Divorce Remedy (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/books/divorceremedy/)are both excellent books. There are a few of her articles here on the site too.

Kate

[disbelief]

Well, I think that's all folks. I took a course of action that ended disastrously last night and the small glimmer of hope has faded. I spoke with my wife's father confidentially about the affair to try and get advice/feedback since I figured he knew her best. I also did this for legal reasons as I just didn't trust what was still being carried on behind my back and wanted to make sure I wouldn't nailed to the wall. Well, her mother found out, called last night and tore a huge strip off my wife and hung up angrily.

My wife now feels completely alone and totally humiliated and worried about her and our daughter's fate. She has no siblings and no really close friends. I know this pales in comparison to the devestation of her affair and wanting to split after our 12 years together, but I do feel bad for her despite how I have been treated.

Prior to this, she had been talking about separation and has been lying about the nature of her continued relationship with the other person, so I guess this may be considered a harsh wake-up call regarding actions and consequences. She had been trying to guilt me into not telling anyone about her affair, so now she will need to deal with responses and emotions she wasn't expecting. I honestly didn't do this out of revenge - I was just a sleep-deprived, traumatized, desperate man searching for answers and a way to get her back to reality.

I told her I still was still prepared to go on in a civil fashion, but she absolutely hates my guts now. Of course, when she tries to guilt me, I lash back with the fact that it was herself that caused this mess, not me. I wish I could turn back the clock 6 months and try to prevent the whole mess from starting.

I suspect chances of reconciliation at this point are close to 0% now, but quite honestly I think this was nearly the case despite last night's blow up. She has asked me not to talk to her parents anymore but I feel I should call her dad and let him know she needs support and needs to feel love from her family because that's all she has. I let her know that I'm still concerned about her, but that obviously didn't go over too well.

I still want to support her and work towards a civil separation - I guess time will tell whether she can find the strength to do this. Any ideas or feedback from all of you out there would be great - I feel really crappy about this whole thing and how it played out with her family....

[London]

You spoke to her father for "legal" reasons? Please. That is not a valid reason. It seems that you wanted to hurt your W and short of telling your daughter you went for the jugular by going to her father (whom you KNEW would tell her mother!!!!). What on earth, besides selfishness could there be? Did you really expect your father-in-law to be able to solve the issues?

She had been trying to guilt me into not telling anyone about her affair, so now she will need to deal with responses and emotions she wasn't expecting. I honestly didn't do this out of revenge - I was just a sleep-deprived, traumatized, desperate man searching for answers and a way to get her back to reality.

As trying as these times are, there is still no reason into humilitating someone into "submission" like you attempted to do. The issues were a private matter to resolve between you and your wife but you know that now....


Unfortunately, I sometimes get beside myself and blurt out angry words and then subsequently break down saying I'm sorry.


Well, at least you are who you are. Now what?

I suppose all harshness aside, your wife will be forced to deal with her emotions and situation. The fact that other people know now won;t really help her thought process but it will force the issue. The question is what is it that you want out of it now? She no longer trusts you as you don;t her trust her. That, my friend is not conducive to any "civil" relationship.

[disbelief]

Hi London,
Believe it or not, I DID talk for legal reasons and thank god I did. Her parents have the clout and power to make things very difficult for me and I found out today my wife had started this process and was trying to get their sympathy via lies about me behind my back! My wife had even pondered about moving far away with our child! Now they're going to confront the situation head on with her as well. She has been deceitful and smug all through this (to her parents too), and I think humiliation isn't a bad thing to get to the core. Like you said, it will finally force the situation. No more Mr. Patsy, she can finally deal with the mess as she should.

[Hope]

Dear London,

I hope you don’t mind me saying this but you do come over very harsh sometimes!

My H confessed to his affair over the phone whilst he was away on a business trip. He left for the business trip without resolving an argument and as you can imagine I was at my wits end and needed some answers. I pressed him over the phone for the truth even though he was going to make me wait for 4 days before he delivered the news of his 2 year affair!

My children were a sleep after I found out about the affair, I felt very alone. I was crying inconsolably and obviously couldn’t sleep, infact I didn’t sleep ALL night. I cried into the early hours of the morning. I telephoned the Samaritans and sadly the man I spoke to was a little sleepy and didn’t really offer me much phone support, lucky I wasn’t suicidal! In absolute DESPERATION I phoned my in-laws who live abroad and there is a time difference, they were the only family who would be awake at such an unsociable time of the night - sadly I delivered the news of my H’s infidelity…… NOT because I wanted to shame my H or be nasty but purely for support because I was so desperate to speak to someone. Just because a spouse may speak to the other half of the family it doesn’t mean its wrong! When you marry you also adopt your spouses family so surely if they accept us as family we can pour our hearts out to them as well?

Don’t be so judgemental on poor Disbelief…. He just wanted some help and support. Its nice to know that he has family that support him.

Hope

[London]

Don’t be so judgemental on poor Disbelief…. He just wanted some help and support. Its nice to know that he has family that support him.




Hope, its good to know that you were able to get the support you needed.

disbelief's scenario is different. He didn't go to his in-laws for support - he went there for "legal" reasons (whatever those are - that still hasn't been explained) and to humilitae his W.

[disbelief]

London,
I have no need to explain my actions further to you and I don't think you're in any position to slander my intentions.

I've seen your other postings and I know you like to play devil's advocate. Alternative viewpoints are a good thing - blatant accusations are not.

[London]

London,
I have no need to explain my actions further to you and I don't think you're in any position to slander my intentions.

I've seen your other postings and I know you like to play devil's advocate. Alternative viewpoints are a good thing - blatant accusations are not.

Slander? Accusations? I don't think so. My interpretation is based on your own words. Sorry the truth hurts!

Good bye and Good luck with the W.

[disbelief]

Hi London,

That's the problem with interpretation - it isn't always the black and white truth one believes it to be (look at how many "truths" stem from the interpretations of one book). I know best what my intentions are and that's all that matters. It has been a gruelling, emotional time and I no longer wish to banter about this.....

For what it's worth, thanks for your best wishes.

Take care,

Disbelief