View Full Version : Need Some Relationship Advise
Mems
30th March 2005, 09:51 PM
I have been in a relationship now for 6 months and my boyfriend had been in a relationship for 18 years, the last 2 were just co-existing from how he explains it. She left him with the home 2 months before we met. He has been going through the weining away process since I've met him and in my opinion, he is still in transition. He claims that it's over, he doesn't want to get back with her and is extremely happy with our relationship. I have to admit that he is a wonderful, caring, considerate man for the most part but doesn't seem to understand how I feel when I see her furniture still in the house, letters/cards from her to him and visa-versa. He still communicates with her for many reasons and just recently I happened to be in his e-mail and read a letter he wrote to her telling her that he misses her, came across a poem she wrote and he shed a few tears and smelt her scent just the other day. My question to him is....why are you telling her these things and why is it that she is still somewhat in the picture. He seems to think that he can be friends with her even though it's been such a short time since they've parted. He use to talk about her quite often when we were first dating and even saw her for dinner and socially....ofcourse to talk things over that needed to be settled like.....what should we do with your funiture, settling the finances and so on. Why can't they just talk over the phone? I sound like I'm insecure but I've never been acused of that in the past. He doesn't understand why I get so upset with all of this. He claims that he is over her and has moved on. I just don't happen to agree. This is what bothers me more than anything........we just don't see eye to eye on this. Everything else in our relationship is sooooo great and he has just recently asked me to move in with him. I'm not sure what I should do. My lease is up in April so it is possible. I would love to say that I won't be bothered by his ex and it is me that he is with and loves. Can anyone give me some advise?
Thank you,
Mems
Kate
31st March 2005, 04:16 PM
Dear Mems
Your boyfriend was in his previous relationship for a long time. Was he married? You can't just turn off your feelings and move on quickly after that length of involvement. I think I would be quite concerned about his dependability if he did. It probably has paralells with a grieving process.
At the same time, I understand that it must be hard for you. If you really care then perhaps you need to give hime the time and sapce to move on and even to be single again. Is it wise to move in together just yet until he has finished his process of moving on?
Do you want this relationship to end up in marriage. If you do then I would recommend you don't rush things, or your relationship will be founded on doubt, uncertainty and even jealousy. I found myself in a similar situation when I was younger and I felt very insecure and unhappy wondering where I stood in the situation.
Kate
Sierra
31st March 2005, 11:21 PM
Yeah, I'll give you some advice.
This is the kind of comment I make that is instantly deleted and I get blocked for, but here goes.
This guy has problems and is not over his last relationship. It sounds like the last relationship may not be over either.
I would keep my distance. Renew your lease. If it works out, fine. If not, at least you don't have to move again.
This is the responsibility part. If you are careful now, you will save yourself a lot of hurt feelings later. If everyone did this, fewer people would be here trying to fix relationships that should not have begun in the first place.
Think carefully.
D
Mems
1st April 2005, 04:52 PM
Thank you for your responces. To answer Kate's questions, they had never married. The ex was married before and went through a terrible divorce so never wanted to marry again. They just lived together for all those years. I really just wish that all of the transition process was already in the past before I came into the picture. She started caring for another man 4 years ago and finally decided to leave this past July. It didn't work out with this man so she is alone, living with a female roomate. I have to say that our relationship is the best I've ever been in. We get along famously, laugh and really "get" one another. And he feels the exact same way. Tells me he loves me, all the time and truely shows it. Very giving and caring. He is a wonderful man. I admire, respect and love him. But I want to do the right thing. I would love to be able to say "so what". Let him go through this process....he should be free to. I don't care about how he decides to do it. He should be able to. And I will not let it bother me. I am the one who he goes to sleep with and wakes up with. I am over his house more than I am at my house. And I am the one that he is spending time with. It does make sense that this would be difficult for him because she is the one who left him. Wouldn't it be different if he ended it with her. But that is not the case. He will always love her I'm sure as I have some feelings for my ex as well and always will. That's just reality. I am trying very hard to be healthy minded and mature. I am in my 40's so I have been around the block a time or two myself. This is just the best relationship I've ever been in....except for the obvious. And yes, I would consider marrying him someday perhaps.
Thank you for all your advise.
Mems
Sierra
4th April 2005, 09:50 PM
Look...he has showed you his cards. A new relationship is when people try extra hard to be wonderful. If this is all he's got now, what do you get in a few years.
You've been warned.
D
smackie9
7th April 2005, 03:08 PM
Wow Mems, you are a very patient and understanding person. You must care for this man very much. 18 years is a long time and I feel the x will always be in the picture some way or another. I think that when the x finds another man, both their pasts will seem less important. But Sierra is right. You are taking your chances here. Best of Luck.
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