I could use advice?

[Shasta]

Hello, I've never been in this forum before. Here's my deal- I'm 19 (yes I already know I'm young) I've been married 4 months We've been toghther almost 2 years, and I keep hearing that the first year will be hard for anyone. We seldom fight (we are both rather sarcastic and cynical so we vent through a constant stream sarcastic jabs and "harmless" jokes rather that fighting we know we shouldn't and we do hurt each other this way We started a "negi jar" we each have jars we have to put money in whenever we say anything negitive about the other person (the person who's jar has the least mony in it at thend of the month gets both jars. It's really helped we're much more carefull about what we say. I have no idea what's really wrong with us we love and care so much about each other and we work so hard at our relationship, we enjoy being together. But we have no "spark" we never really have. And I'm not just saying sexually I'm talking over all, you know that feeling that- to quote bambi "twitterpated" I know parts of it are suposed to die down after time but we never had it. He comes from a family where they don't hug and NEVER say I love you, while I've never left the house without kissing my family goodbye (I'm sure this background difference plays a role) but I just feel like nothing can be done to "fix" the problem it seems hopeless and it makes me cry and he just freaks out when I cry and in the end I end up comforting him (which is a little funny) Ok so let 'er rip. Advice, anything at all will do?

[Dave]

Hi Shasta,

Well, first of all some congratulations - you've spotted several of the things you need to work on (like all the negative communication) and are working on it! Well done - there are plenty of folks who never even get that far!

My suggestions would be threefold:-

Get hold of a copy of The Five Love Languages (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1881273156/2in21couk/) - it will help you both understand how you each receive love.
Next find yourself a local Foccus or Enrich facilitator. This is not therapy - it's a structured program to help you discover more about the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship.
Go to www.smartmarriages.com (http://www.smartmarriages.com) (as you're in the US) and take a look at some of the enrichment programmes availavble in your part of the US to help you build a healthy marriage.
And then let us know how you got on!!

Dave

[Shasta]

Thanks, I'll get that book. Going to any kind of group thing where there are people is out. He's extreamly shy, (I have to do all the talking at check out counters for example) He doesn't talk to new people It's beyond fear it's not gonna happen. But thank you for your help.:)