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Young
11th January 2005, 08:48 PM
hello everyone!
i just happend to stubble upon this website and i've now become very interested in this forum! You guys seem to be tackling some difficult questions and situations so im hoping to get a bit of advice on my ordeal. ok here we go!

First off my boyfriend and i are planning to get married within the next 2 years...normally this wouldn't be shocker but we are currently 17. So when we get married we will be around 19 or 20. We are both devoted christians and constantly discuss our relationship with God and how we have been blessed to find each other. We've known each other for over 4 years and have been dating for a year this monday! We are both planning on attending university however my boyfriend is going back to highschool for one more year (so i will be a year ahead of him in university). We really feel that God is with us and is supporting our idea of getting married young,however i am convinced that our parents are not going to see where we're coming from on this one. We are not expecting financial support from our parents except with the wedding, which would be expected no matter what our age.

So essentially i am concerened because i love my boyfriend so much but i am hesitant about getting married without our parents' support. I want our parents to be happy for us...even if they dont totally agree with what we're doing. I dont want to have to tear my boyfriend from his parents' arms and have his mother crying out of sadness instead of happiness on our wedding day! that would be awful. Has anyone else been in a situation similar to this? has anyone gotten married young? Is anyone currently in a fairly young marriage? i would really appreciate some advice that isnt from someone that knows us so well. i need an outside opinion!


thank you!

-"Smile God loves you"

Concerned Reader
11th January 2005, 10:12 PM
Dear Young

I couldn't possibly offer any advice to a sensible young lady who appears to have thought things through better than I could have done at her age.

If I were your mother I would be worried if you said you intended to get married as soon as possible, but you are proposing to see how things go and then committ towards the end of two years. After an initial period of fretting, I think I would come to terms with it so long as I was satisfied that you knew what you were getting in to.

I would be thinking 'Alright, so she want's to get married, but why is she so keen to get married young? It's not a race, they don't give prizes. So what if she waits until after they finish university. So what if she waits until after she has been at work for a few years. They can still get married...but later.'

That's mothers for you....we would prefer our babies not to get married before retirement (theirs).

Do be careful, though, because marriage is like going through a door. On the far side of it a parent is much less able to protect their child from hurt, nor can they necessarily fix things and I'm sure your parents wish you nothing but well.

Young
12th January 2005, 05:20 PM
Thank you very much for your kind words! I found your post to be helpful and shared it also with my boyfriend. I understand that it will be hard for our parents but again i hope they can learn to live with our choice and support us!

I'd also like to explain further why we are so keen on getting married early. First off we love each other to no end and its painful to be away from each other for even a few days! now some may say we need to grow up first before we get married but im not too sure why that is. I've grown up WITH my boyfriend over the last 4 years and i think that growing up together even when we're married will be a good experience. Secondly we KNOW that we are going to get married no matter if its in 2 years or 5 years so i dont really see why we should post-pone something we know is inevitable. For money? sure. But i dont really like the idea of money running our lives and i am more then willing to live like a univeristy student after we are both done school. I guess my mother doesnt believe that you can live on love alone...maybe not on love alone but who says you need a fortune in your bank account? Every couple runs into money issues.

I also have to deal with my mother telling me i am too young to know that my boyfriend is the one for me...she says i need to kiss a few more frogs first :S. I've been in some pretty awful relationships already (and im only 17) and when i first fell in love with my boyfriend i knew that it was forever.

thanks for letting me get some of this off my chest!
age doesnt always go hand in hand with maturity.

Sierra
16th February 2005, 10:33 PM
No offense, but you must be out of your mind. At 17 you do not even fully appreciate what love is, let alone the foundation on which a successful relationship is properly based.

One thing I can tell you for absolute cetain is between now (you are 17) and when you turn 30 you will become a completely different person. If you feel that is not true it is proof you should not get married.

Because you have virtually NO EXPERIENCE in the world you have formed your attitudes based on observation. I assure you as you grow, mature and experience the world through your own hand your attitudes will change as your experience sets grow.

When you marry young you risk finding one day down the road that the person to whom you are married no longer (through no fault of their own) meets the test of what you seek in a companion.

I would not consider marrying before you are at least 25, or better yet, 28. Then you will have a better idea of who YOU are and that in turn will become the major criteria you use in selecting a mate.

If you don't believe me, ask youself this: Have your attitudes, feelings, likes and dislikes changed from the time you were (say) 10? If you say no then you are too immature to consider marriage. If you say yes you then have to ask yourself if you really feel the growth, development and change you will experience in life is over at 17.

Don't do it. You virtually guarantee a divorce and the loss of your free youth.

D

Emyoung2
23rd February 2005, 03:44 AM
Good Luck with your marriage. I have been with my boyfriend since I was 13 years old. I am now 20, and we couldn't be happier. We too talked of marriage in high school, and his parents freaked out. It was horrible. All I can say is to remember you are meant to with him. This is your life, and you will be the one living with your choices, not your mother. Times can become horribily tough, but that is just the rollercoaster of life. Remember have fun, and don't let others make you miseriable. And if possible find others like you, with common goals (doesn't have to be the same). Other couples are great toobond with in your journeys. I hope the best for you, and a blessed marriage! - A Wife-to-Be

hello everyone!
i just happend to stubble upon this website and i've now become very interested in this forum! You guys seem to be tackling some difficult questions and situations so im hoping to get a bit of advice on my ordeal. ok here we go!

First off my boyfriend and i are planning to get married within the next 2 years...normally this wouldn't be shocker but we are currently 17. So when we get married we will be around 19 or 20. We are both devoted christians and constantly discuss our relationship with God and how we have been blessed to find each other. We've known each other for over 4 years and have been dating for a year this monday! We are both planning on attending university however my boyfriend is going back to highschool for one more year (so i will be a year ahead of him in university). We really feel that God is with us and is supporting our idea of getting married young,however i am convinced that our parents are not going to see where we're coming from on this one. We are not expecting financial support from our parents except with the wedding, which would be expected no matter what our age.

So essentially i am concerened because i love my boyfriend so much but i am hesitant about getting married without our parents' support. I want our parents to be happy for us...even if they dont totally agree with what we're doing. I dont want to have to tear my boyfriend from his parents' arms and have his mother crying out of sadness instead of happiness on our wedding day! that would be awful. Has anyone else been in a situation similar to this? has anyone gotten married young? Is anyone currently in a fairly young marriage? i would really appreciate some advice that isnt from someone that knows us so well. i need an outside opinion!


thank you!

-"Smile God loves you"

Shasta
23rd February 2005, 09:47 PM
[QUOTE=Sierra No offense, but you must be out of your mind. At 17 you do not even fully appreciate what love is, let alone the foundation on which a successful relationship is properly based.]


Sierra couldn't be more wrong. I'm 19 and was 17 when I started dating my husband We almost never have fights but our marriage has it's share of problems (sometimes it feels like more than it's share) Marrying young won't mean divorce, it only means that when we come along milestones and self discovery in our lives we will have to face it with someone other than just ourselves in mind. Sometimes this makes it easier, unfortunatly more often it is more difficult. You have limits to what directions you can grow in. But I love my husband more than anything and would give up every thing else in my life that brings me happiness if it was a choice between those things and him. It will be more difficult than if you were, say in your late twenties but if you know he's worth it And I mean KNOW, then go for it and don't ever look back. My life's not a breeze but I would never trade it.

Sierra
23rd February 2005, 09:52 PM
I hate to be pessimistic, but reaching the grand old age of 20 does not exactly make you an expert on relationships.

I also reject the idea that you have been "together since we were 13". Holding hands (and who knows what else) while a teenager living with your parents does not a "relationship" make.

Someday you will thank your parents.

Emyoung2 says "This is your life, and you will be the one living with your choices, not your mother." On that point we agree. That is why parents try to give you the benefit of their experience. The point is that you WILL live with the outcome of your choices so choose wisely. I know at 20 you know everything, but perhaps your mother is attempting to give you the benefit of her experience. Perhaps she knows a thing or two after all.

Next: "Times can become horribily tough, but that is just the rollercoaster of life." Again, I agree. That said, don't go looking for ways to mess things up even more. You will encounter enough problems in life. Don't go around making more just because you are "In love".

Next: "Remember have fun, and don't let others make you miseriable." Life is not all about fun. Its also about acting sensibly and in your own best interests. If you make poor choices you can make YOURSELF miserable in a way other people could never match.

If you get this one wrong you will very likely ruin your life, mess up some possible children and create a hurt that affects everyone around you.

D

Shasta
23rd February 2005, 10:03 PM
Oh and young, as an after thought, age does not go hand and hand with maturity You are right. I had few to no friends in high school and couldn't relate to anyone. It wasn't untill I was living on my own with my own life that I relized it was because of age. I have plenty of friends now, my peer group are all 25-35. As a matter of fact my husband is 27 and has never found me the least bit immature (well almost never ;) ) My family were not only 100% behind the relationship but they are the ones who insisted we date in the first place. The problem is that it is so rare that only "adults" (over 30) who are very close to you will belive that you are mature. So don't try to convince people it's a waste of time and most are too close minded.:) Be as mature as God made you there's a place for everyone in the world.

Sierra
23rd February 2005, 11:06 PM
The problem is that these mistakes do not occur in a vaccum. Pretty soon there are children involved in most cases and then it gets complex.

When these people age they will mature and change. It is a fact. By 30 they will have different ideas about themselves than they did at 20.

When one day they wake up and announce (like the spouses of many of the posters here apparently did) that "I don't love you any more and I'm not sure if I ever did" it makes little difference how mature they felt at 20.

Now spouses and children are faced with divorce. This has real consequences, especially for the children. Not to mention financial inplications from which one or both may never recover.

The basic issue is tha the young spouses-to-be are saying "I want what I want, I want it now, and I don't want to wait." Frankly half the time it probably got more to do with the fact that they are bored with dating.

Lets face it - if you have been "together" since you were 13 and you are now 20, you are probably bored with the relationship. To keep life exciting you can either get married or split. After you get married and start to get bored again its time to have children. Maybe that will fix it.

In the end you get deeper and deeper trying to wring more life out of a relationship that probably should have died years ago. In all candor, what kind of parents would let a girl or boy date the same person from 13 to 20?

No wonder these kids are confused.

Thats a lousy reason to get married.

Shasta
23rd February 2005, 11:30 PM
Sierra I actually agree with almost 90% of that last post most 17 year olds are not at all ready for marriage. Heck, most 25 year olds arn't ready. But a tiny percentage actually are. I wanted to have a home, husband, and children since I was 15 thats all I ever wanted. I'm in culinary school now (a bump on the road) or I would be wanting children sooner. Some peoples "big dreams" are very small in the scheem of things. We don't know the girl whose post this is personally or we would both be able to offer better advice. I've enjoyed the things you've added to the posts in these forums. Everything (almost) that you believe is the exact oppisite of all my beliefs. (I'm a sucker for debate;) ) You would be a facinating person.

Sierra
23rd February 2005, 11:42 PM
Thanks for the compliment. My posts usually get me banned. I think they let me back in accidentally.

I disagree that a tiny percentage "are ready". Just because they don't fail does not mean that a.) they were in any way ready b.) they wouldn't have been better off had they waited or c.) demonstrate that such marriages should be encouraged.

By way of example, I don't need to personally know a young boy or girl to know that they have no business getting a tattoo. The implications socially, especially in employment are things they can not possibly conceive. Just because some people can demonstrate no ill effects does not mean the practice should be encouraged.

Thats called parenting.

D

Shasta
23rd February 2005, 11:55 PM
Ok that makes sense (especially the tatoo thing) Maybe ready isn't the right word. More like capable. I don't think I was ready and I was only 18 when I was married. But I have a great marriage and I have no doubt that we work harder at it than an older couple might, but it was worth not waiting the 11 years untill I turned 29 (isn't that what statistics say is the atge at which most marriages work?) It probably helps that my husband wasn't young and he was well respected so people don't doubt me. I don't know I have to fit into statistics somewhere. I have a 17 year old sister that (in my opinion) isn't mature enough to cross the street by herself. But then again a 12 year old sister (named Sierra:D ) Who I think is twice as mature as the 17 year old one. Every person is different.

Sierra
24th February 2005, 12:06 AM
You marriage may work - but at what cost? What have you denied yourself that you could have been?

Doctor, solicitor, what? You gave up being a free woman in your most formative years.

This kind of wondering is what causes many people to go "middle aged crazy". For those who "didn't", the possibilities of what "could have been" grow in their minds daily.

Is was 35 the first time I got married and I am 39 now. I can assuredly say that I have "sowed my wild oats". No regrets in leaving it behind.

Self denial of that often becomes an emotinal cancer later in life for many. Blame follows. "If I hadn't married you I could have..............."

Don't tell me you never felt that way either.

D

Shasta
24th February 2005, 01:19 AM
I've given up many many things most of which I don't think I'll ever miss but that is so much better than having given up my husband in order to "see what comes of my life" (I'll miss not traveling, he's scared of airports) but I can always go with friends I suppose. I believe in abstanance untill marriage and didn't want to date in highschool. My parents had to talk me into dating when it came to my husband (believe it or not I didn't think I was old enough.) He was the first man I kissed let alone anything else. So I have no basis of comparison to miss. (Good thing, Bad thing, you be the judge) But I know my life has purpose and I'm fuffiling it. I'm a fighter let age come, bring on the hard times. I know they're around the corner. I'm not completely delusional ( just enough to be happy:D )

Sierra
24th February 2005, 05:20 PM
No offense, but you sound unhappy and unfulfilled with that last post. I hope that you get what you want out of life. Its pretty short.

D

Shasta
24th February 2005, 08:22 PM
Really I sound unhappy? I love my life.:) So, I've seen lots of "advice" from you on these forums Sierra but nothing about you. Do you feel that by choosing to marry later in life it has allowed you to truely do EVERYTHING you've ever wanted. You've never given anything up? Ever. We all give up something. I choose the college I needed for my degree and gave up all of my friends (who coiencidently went to the fun and games college I wanted) We all give up things for what we deem more important. It works out in the end. (I believe the universe is balanced) I made more friends at school who are in my profession, made contacts I would never have made at "fun and games" college, and now have a killer job waiting for me when I graduate. (Balance!);)

Sierra
24th February 2005, 09:26 PM
What would you like to know? I am VERY pleased with things so far.

D

Shasta
24th February 2005, 09:33 PM
Well if your marriage is GREAT you must have alot of tips to share. How long have you been married, do you feel you've overcome many of the usual obsticals associated with marriage, and REALLY you've never in your entire life sacrificed anything you wanted for something you wanted more, you've got to be the luckiest woman alive?

Sierra
24th February 2005, 09:49 PM
First of all, I'm male. 39 years old. Married for the first time at 35. Retired from a large corporation in the US. Now in law school as I wanted to do something different.

Numerous relationships over the years. Enough to know the difference between lust and love. Lots of gals I was "hot" for that would have made lousy wives.

Married to a wonderful gal who is the perfect mix.

I think many of the obstacles here are time-centered. Things you go through at certain points in your life regardless. Being married just makes it worse. I was single when most of that happened.

In 10 years if I suddenly wake up with the need to go "find myself", I will realize that I am almost 50 and then I will just roll over and go back to sleep.

In addition to the early retirement I have toured Europe (Scotland, UK, Switzerland, Austria, Italy and France) more than once and am going back to Rome in 2006. I have Scuba dived all over the carribean and more of that is to come (wife is a diver). I go camping a lot and ride my Jet Ski a lot. I own my home outright. Life is good. I planned it that way.

Someday I will tell you all my website and you can see for yourself.

D

Shasta
24th February 2005, 10:11 PM
Well thats great. And I'm sorry I've just seen you mention a womens right to this or that a few times (didn't think a man with such strong opinions would care), and Sierra's my sisters name.

The male thing puts soooo much more prospective on what you say. We're two different species you and I.

:cool: Your life does seem amazing, part of me has always wanted world travel I'm young, I've done a little mission work in the Domminican nothing fascinating, of course the other half of me just wants a simple life, a back porch swing, big homemade breakfasts in the morning, and a couple of kids. (good food figures largely into my idea of happiness (hence the culinary degree:D)
My wonderful husband fit so nicely into senerio two that it was irresistible. My adventures are much smaller I too am an avid camper and hiker (w/ hubby). But I get enough of the travel I need on the discovery channel. My friend and I have a Rome and Venice trip planned for 07.
I think youth can be married very happily. I can't tell you how grateful I am to have my husbands support through school sometimes the pressure feels like it can crush you (but it's no law degree so I suppose you already know all about it.)

Sierra
24th February 2005, 10:18 PM
So now instead of an angry woman you think I'm an angry man, huh!! : )

The core of a relationship is how you see the other. Women are not toys, property or little lost sheep that need to be led. I have always sought and been attracted to strong women who wanted me BESIDE them. I have no interest in someone who needs to be "taken care of".

I'm glad you life works and makes you happy. Life is short.

D