My marriage has taken a nose dive

[quack219]

And its my fault.

I would just like to start off by saying that i've read quite a lot of other letters from various people, some in similar situations as we are, and some of the helpful comments and advice from others. As this is the first time i've both used this forum and more importantly sought help and been truthful in trying to repair my marriage, i would really appreciate any advice or thoughts from others.

I've been married to my wonderful wife for 14 years and we have 2 great children. We're are both in our mid 30's and live a comfortable if somewhat unusual life as i work away from home, sometimes for a few months at a time. My wife really is a great person, she holds down a part time job, manages the house and finances, and takes care of our children (aged 10 &13) not to mention all the other things she does. She's an intelligent, funny and genuine person to be with and she loves me unconditionally, and i love her too, but i'm not IN love with her for some time now but i wish i still was.

Things came to a head a few days ago when she found out i was having an affair online with another woman that started in mid October (which i have since ended). At first we just talked, but it quickly became exciting and i felt special and needed. Things in the bedroom with my wife haven't been great for a long time now and that's been down to me but sex isn't everything or so i thought. Although i did not meet this woman we did have "cyber sex" which led onto texting and steamy phone calls, and i think if it had continued we possibly would have met up. The thing is i was emotionally evolved with her which is probably worse than a physical affair. When my wife confronted me i naturally lied, which worked for a brief time until she uncovered the picture of her and her e-mail and Msn addresses and much more. Then posing as me she spoke to the woman i was having an affair with online, and confronted me again and lying wouldn't bail me out this time. She was absolutely distraught, who can blame her.

Lying seams to be my favourite pastime at the moment as just before my affair i had gambled on the net for large sums of money, which like my affair had never happened before, sure we've all had the occasional flutter but this was in thousands. thankfully that's stopped, but only after my wife intervened, but the lies hasn't and quite frankly im no good at it. Its not that i lie (we all tell white ones now and again) that's the problem, its the situations i've been getting into over the last few months which has resulted in this mess i've got us both into.

Over the last few years my job has become increasingly demanding, which is not a problem but for the fact i've been away from home more and more. life at home is stable and my wife makes a great job at that, but i feel im missing something. I could best describe myself as feeling like the 5th wheel in our family. In fact i can see no purpose in my life, During those last few years I've drifted away from my wife and im not IN love with her anymore but i still love her. Can you fall back in love with someone?

My wife and i are at least talking which is a start but my marriage is in serious trouble if i cant sort this out, its on a knife edge at the moment and its tearing us, (but more her) apart. I am planning to seek counselling because the problem is with me or at least the majority of it is.

Don't get me wrong im not looking for the sympathy vote here, i think my wife has been more than reasonable about the whole thing, in fact i should be out on my ear. Am i so blind that i cant see the problem, which is the first thing that i need to do before i can begin an attempt at repairing it. Up until a while ago i was Mr average, married with 2.4 children, now everything's taken a nose dive into oblivion.

[Kate]

Dear Quackie,

It's not uncommon for couples to get into difficulties because they have let things drift. If you work away from home a lot it does put pressure on a marriage. Every married couple need to be working at their marriage. Some do it without thinking, others don't have many pressures but all marriages need nurture and attention not just to be left to develop buffeted by all the pressures around.

You didn't see this coming. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! How can you respond? The first thing I would challenge is that the lying is not important. I think it is actually quite fundamental to your situation, because when you start lying it usually goes hand in hand with hiding things from your wife. That is one of the things that really hurts your wife. She is the one person that should be able to expect complete openness and transparency from you. Also once you start lying even so called white lies, you start kidding yourself too.

If you feel out of family life because you are away so much, then talk to your wife about it - enable her to understand and let her share how it feels for her when you are away. see if you can find ways to help you blend back into the family life when you are home. Are there ways you can keep in touch, be romantic despite the times apart.

But of course the real issue at the moment is to try to understand what your wife is going through (have a look here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/) and to seek her forgiveness (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/forgive/) and to begin to rebuild trust (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/infidelity/trust/) between you. You sound committed to your wife. Live out that commitment and then I suspect the feelings will sort themselves out in the end. None of us feel romantic and passionate all the time in our marriages - there are times of discouragement and disillusionment (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffdisill/) in all marriages, but that's not the cue to seek comfort or excitement elsewhere but the opportunity to find new ways to keep that passion and joy alive by choosing to go on loving.

When the dust settles from this crisis, why not try an enrichment weekend (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/healthclub/servprov/). These are designed to help couples who are committed to each other to discover ways of keeping their love growing and flourishing. You wouldn't leave your car until the wheels fell off before taking it to the garage, you put oil in it and have it serviced and take care of it - your marriage needs that tlc soon and there are ways to help you do this.

I hope that you can find the wisdom, love and honesty to reassure your wife and rebuild your marriage.

Kate

[quack219]

Thanks Kate

Even before i read you reply (thank you it did make a few things more clearer) i decided that honesty is the best course to take, so at least i thought i was on the right lines, but unfortunately this has widened the gap between us (not the desired effect). I had to be truthful and tell her that i was no longer 'in love' with her, but that i still love her, if that makes sense, but she said that i love her like one of my family and not the way i loved her when we first got married. As much as i wish this was not the case it is true im afraid. My wife told me that she no longer knew the man she was married to but that the change had not happened over night, in fact she's noticed this over the past couple of years. She also compared herself and the woman i was having an affair with (who is much younger and thinner than my wife) which led me onto telling her that i no longer found her attractive, but i think that ties in with me not being in love with her. The weight issue didn't come into it at first, but as i was explaining how i felt about her and when i thought it all started to go wrong it did have an impact on how things are. I really feel good about myself now, she was in agony i and i was making it worse, but i had to tell the truth.

My wife now regards her self as single again, she no longer where's her wedding ring and she's asked me to call her by her first name and not her nickname, which came as a shock that im still getting used too.

On the good side we're still talking and living under one roof, but we will be sleeping separately. Our number one priority is the children, who both know about the situation, (in fact every one knows family and friends which does help) but we assured them that this was not there fault and what ever happens we'll stay together as a family unit. On that issue my wife and i are mature about the possible eventualities that would arise from a broken home as we both come from one, and its the children that suffer.

Well, i've taken one step forward and two steps back, i'm afraid of the possible out come, but at least we know where we stand at the moment. I cant see any hope. Help!

[Kate]

Well that wasn't very bright. When I said honesty I was referring to your own conduct, not an excuse to tell your wife what you didn't like about her!

Perhaps a little self honesty about your self might go down better. And a bit more generosity towards your wife who you may not find as attractive as when you married her but she has cared for you and born and brought up your two children. I'm not as attractive as when my husband married me, but neither's he in the official sense but he's still wonderful because he's my husband.

If you don't find your wife attractive then that's your problem not hers and something that you can do something about rather than telling her so.

The last thing a woman who is coming to terms with a husband's deceit and infidelity needs is to be told he doesn't find her attractive. I think you've got a lot of active loving to do to show your wife she's special and if you want to sort this out then you'd better get started soon.

Try putting your brain into gear before your open your mouth!

Sorry I don't usually get so heated on these forums!

Kate

[quack219]

Yeah that was rather stupid of me, im making alot of stupid mistakes recently. It didn't help the situation any, but im not lying anymore. She did surprisingly, thank me for my honesty. Im trying, but its difficult, she's put herself out of reach, she says "After all the initial shock, hurt and anger my survival instinct is setting in". I'll tackle tomorrow with a little more tact.

[quack219]

Well, today went better, at least i was honest with myself, but i think that the distance between us is getting larger again, or so it seams. My wife says that she needs to find herself, and she needs to be in control of her life, she got lost in our marriage and is disillusioned.

In an e-mail she sent me today she says 'I can't even say if there ever will be a "we' again. But I know you need help for yourself and you have to get it soon. She's right, and i'm seeking counselling through relate (i've made an appointment). But do i need to help myself before i can help my marriage? Can i not do both?

My wife has retreated into what seems like a glass bubble, she can see me but not hear me, and the bubble is floating away. She has started to become sarcastic and throw things that i say back at me. Has anyone out there had similar experiences? Help.

Thanks, Quack.