Trust

[manxmaid]

My husband has developed a new friendship with a young gay man. I find this very unacceptable. I beleive it is more than just friendship and have talked at length with my husband who denies that anything is going on. We do not have a sexual relationship any more.
Yesterday i found gay pornagraphic material in my husbands briefcase. This he denies is his but says it is his friends.
Where do i go from here? i don't trust him.
I have asked him not to see this guy anymore and he says he can be friends with who he likes and won't give up the friendship.
I am distraught about the whole thing, i don't want an unloving marriage.
I feel the only way forward is to make a fresh start but everytime he goes out or takes a phonecall on his mobile from the guy it all blows up again.
I am so unhappy.
What can i do?????

[smackie9]

Your situation is tragic but not uncommon. So many men stay in the closet and live a heterosexual life with wife and kids. He could very well be gay. But the only way to be sure is to hear it from him.

[Kate]

Dear Manxmaid,

This must be very distressing for you, as suddenly some of things that you found your security in have been shaken. Do you really know your husband? Is he hiding something? Can you trust him? What does it all mean? These questions are quite normal in the circumstances.



Might I suggest you look at the resources here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/diffpressures/homos/) and in particular the work of True Freedom Trust. They are a Christian organisation but one which seeks to understand and show compassion both to those struggling with homosexuality and their loved ones. They can offer you insight and understanding into what is happening. Even if your husband’s friendship is simply that and nothing more, it will help you understand his friend too.



Some people have a sense of betrayal when they discover a homosexual interest in their spouse, but real love seeks to understand and accept the whole of the loved one, even the bits we find painful and offensive. This is not a personal slight of you, but possibly something very difficult that your husband is struggling with. I hope that you can find a way to enable your husband to open up and share why he wants this friendship to continue and for you to share with him how you feel about the situation and your need for his understanding.



All the best

Kate

[rochedale1]

A friend of mine has pointed out.......
homo sexual sex is often atrractive because its "different" - its an afair but well ther eisnt an emotional side to it. ( at least rarely so at first) Its an easy way to deal with other issues a sticking plaster on lonlyness sexual excitment sexuual frustration a whole host of thisngs - and there isnt the problem of a long courtship or needing to send flowers the next morning. its an easy fix. but it can be like a drug - especially for guys whos sexuality is not so clearly defined. in thier own minds as they might let on.

Every relationship is different , as is evryones sexuality, but once a guy is over 25 then its unlikely he will suddenly "discover he is gay" especially in a fairly liberal society. He may have fantasies and he may end up acting on them if hes given enough oportunity but he probably won't if there arn't other problems as well.
What Im trying to say is - don't focus on the homosexual aspects of this, focus on the fact that you think hes being unfaithfull or that he might be and go from there.

If it turns out that there is something about the concept that he finds appealing - get him to explore and, if he is able, to explain - why they are apealing to him.

Please do not expect an answer. You may get one, or you may get several over the years. More likely you will get none.

- Whats important is that he knows he can talk to you or that at least you would like if he could - but you won't object if he decides not to. Most of us close the door when cleaning our belly buttons. Even then many decide not to examine it too closely even though the worst it contains is the odd bit of fluff .
However everyone agrees its needs to be cleaned out.

In your boyfriends case, you might wish to suggest that this is done with out too much physical contact ( ie ANY) with anyone other than your good self. See where he goes from there. Pressure at this point may be counter productive Gay casual sex is just that, "casual". It tends to be light on emotional and adult responsibility. Just make the boundrys clear dont push.

Focus on making your own marraige happy with him and in a few months if this kid is still a little too obvious in his desires then explain the there is the issue of trust onwhich everything hangs and it isnt goig away.

Give him rope but you should be able to expect some support back if you feel thretened.

After a while you should know - if hes going to be a kid for ever then eventually tell him to go hang himself.

[Mems]

Dear Manxmaid, This must be very upsetting for you. I would first address the issue of not having a sexual relationship with your husband. Without that intimate factor, it's just a friendship. I would definately focus in on that and if he is being physically intimate with this man, perhaps it would rear it's ugly head.

[Sierra]

I would not encourage him to be a butt-poker. Its probably time to leave. No normal straight man would be caught dead with a gay porno mag.


D

[Caddy]

Manxmaid... so sorry.. but... in my view your man is satisfying himself sexually with this younger man or has intentions to do so... partly because you and he have no sex life and partly because he has a sexual attraction to men... and possibly still has a sexual attraction to you... he most probably is bisexual... he doesn't love this younger guy, so in his mind he can justify the whole thing as not being unfaithful because he more than likely still loves you... you both need to go see a sex therapist together and openly get this sorted... to know why you both no longer have a sexual relationship, why it's men your man has taken up with and how to move on from this... personally.. I'd be gone, probably after kicking the stuffing out of my man and his new play mate.. (note to legal persons - this is just my opinion - I do not encourage violence!!!) :-) best of luck