Divorce

[Ann-Marie]

I am a Christian and was when I married in church my non Chritian second husband (I am his second wife). We have been married 4 years.

There have been many ups and downs which have caused us to separate on many occasions (would take too long to go into here) for a few days at a time.

We have no children together but I have 2 he has 1.

I am considerng divorcing him for (the too many to list) reasons the main one being the way he treats my children. He is unable to deal with conflict that arises with the children and he speaks to them very nastily. He hasnt to my knowledge hit them but he speaks to them in the way his father spoke to him, I dont think it is done 'on purpose' more of a case of him knowing no better. I have told him, asked him, begged him, screamed at him, threatened him etc - I have told him to follow my example if he doesnt know what to do etc and he will deny he does it.

It has been brought to my attention by outsiders that they think he is a bully becuase of the way he is around them.

I have prayed about this as have other Christians for me but its getting to the point that my youngest is starting to behave like him if there is any reason that would cause conflict eg - bedtime - he is 10 years old. I dont want him to be like this but without 2 people setting the example I dont know how to stop it. It has got to the point where I wont leave him with the kids on their own and I am listening out all the time.

I dont love this man anymore and want to know how divorcing him will affect my Christian life - and are there Biblical reasons for my divorcing him (no sexual sin as far as I know), or maybe you would need to know the other reasons I have for this?

Thanks for any help you can give in advance,

[Liz]

Dear Ann-Marie,

You are wise to be concerned about your husband’s behaviour towards the children. You hint that there are other things that have not gone well between you and only you know whether there is no alternative to divorce.

I assume that you have considered counselling either with a secular or church based organisation. You say that he is like this because of his own upbringing – are you open to the possibility that he could change, given the right help?

Turning to your main question about divorce, some Christians believe that you should never divorce, others recognise that there are circumstances when one spouse’s behaviour is tantamount to them breaking their vows and then the injured party should do all they can to sort things out, but in the end are free to end the marriage, when the other spouse is determined to continue in their ways. Some theologians believe that Jesus said we should not break up a marriage for any old reason, but that if one spouse was refusing support, comfort or was being unfaithful, then the other could divorce after they had tried to be reconciled. You alone know whether there is no other way forward. Certainly you should protect your children from any behaviour that is abusive.

When you say you don’t love this man anymore, what are you saying? Do you mean you no longer have loving feelings for him? Or do you mean you are not willing to go on loving him, acting lovingly towards him because he has hurt you so much and threatens the well being of your children. Love is a choice and action not just an emotion.

I would really encourage you to go and talk to your pastor or minister for their guidance and support. You will need the support of your local Christian community whatever you decide to do.

Liz

[Ann-Marie]

Hi Liz, thanks for your reply.

We have been to 2 lots of relationship counselling run by a catholic church but without any Christian points of view - each lasted 8 weeks. We went becuase I had trouble trusting him after he lied to me a few times. His sister confided in me that he has always been someone to tell lies and that I shouldnt expect him to change. He has since told me 'silly' lies but I dont think there have been any major ones. Nor do I think the couselling has worked or things wouldnt be like this.

I am not sure about what I mean when I say I dont love him anymore. I do sometimes have a 'wave' of love and think 'oh this will work out' but it gets over shadowed so soon by the more frequent 'waves' of almost hating him because I am tip toeing around the house, continually having to monito situations and I resent that it has got to that - I am worn out with it. There hasnt been an inident of nastiness for about a fortnight - but I have stopped going out alone because I think if he does it when I am around whats he doing when I am not?

I think he could change with help but he doesnt think he has got a problem - how can anyone change what they wont acknowledge exsists even when its not only me saying there is a problem.

I am seeing someone from the Church shortly for some guidance but if you have any further help I would be grateful