Give Up or Keep Trying Part 2

[paguy]

This is a follow up to the first posting. As i said before my wife and I are having problems in our marriage that we dont know if they can be worked out even though we both want them to be. The issue deals with cheating on each other. I cheated online and she cheated for real with a friend of hers. Maybe its a guy thing but i personally feel that cheating with a person in flesh and blood is worse than cheating with someone you have never had real contact with or ever intend on meeting for real, But i do agree that cheating is cheating. We are currently seperated and seeing each other twice a week like starting to date over again. This seems to be working out some. There isnt the constant stress between us. When we are togather we are enjoying ourselves and being civil with each other. She still has this wall put up around her that i guess only time will allow to be lowered. She says she still loves me but not as she once did. She won't let herself get closer to me because she doesn't want to be hurt again. I can't figure out a way to make her see i have realized how much i have hurt her and it will never happen again. I on the other hand feel i can forgive her and move on with our relationship. But she is also afraid that i will keep throwing her mistake in her face all the time. We have scheduled to see a marriage counsler I hope she is openminded and it will help. Any advise of comments would be welcome.

Thanks

[visitor...]

Friend, the best advice is to continue what you are doing - slowly rebuilding the trust and friendship you once had. The fact that the pair of you are committed to an attempt to rebuild your relationship is a massive plus point in your favour. Just don't try to run before you can walk. The very best of luck to both of you!

[Sierra]

I still say toss the bitch out.

D

[Jacks]

Hi,

I think you need to go by your heart! My h left me 5 month ago and we have remained friends, I still want to work at our R, but unfortunately my h has found someone else he wants to be with! We still have good times together and we talk about us and well I do start the conversation about OW. It is hard not to, as I really want to know everything and then I get hurt when h is honest with me! Even though that it is only me who wants to work at the R, I still feel that I am not ready to give up on us, 22 years is a long time! So you have to look at it, she still wants to work at your R and I think that you can forgive, maybe not forget, but that surely will get easier in time. Give your R a go, don't give up! I think too many R end up in D because people aren't prepaired to work at it, even in difficult times! I bet your S feels really bad about what she has done and if she could take it back she would, same goes for you! So don't look back, look forward! At least you both want to work it out! I wish my H would, maybe in time! So don't give up!!!!!!!

Take care

Jacks

[snakedriver]

I still have to agree that what you both have done are two different animals. I feel as you do. Her retaliation to your chatting is way out of wack. Some people would say you were cheating in your heart, forging relationships. But she spitefully committed adultery in the flesh. I say you will not find answers quickly. Give your souls a chance to settle and maybe some honest lasting feelings will evolve, one way or the other. There are only two options, leave or stay, statistically you will get 50/50 on opinions. The fact that you are here suggests to me that you would like to learn how to work through it all. Best of luck to you both.

[paguy]

Hello everyone,

This is just a short follow up on whats been posted and what has been happening in our relationship. First I'd like to say that i do not agree with Sierra when it was said to throw her out. I really love this woman and do believe that anything can be worked out between people as long as they both feel the say way about each other and want it to happen. We went to see a councler last friday and talked things over with her. She made a list of things we need to do togather to work through this.

Fisrt thing was to keep dating like we are.
Second was to limit the phone calls to once a day
Third was that we both have to give up the past and move on to the future.

When we are togather like we are dating I really like the feelings and we do seem like things can and will be worked out. Limiting the phone calls isn't easy for me because i guess i have it in the back of my mind that if i don't talk to her that i will be forgotten about. I know people say that IF you spend time apart that it will make the heart grow fonder but i kinda think of it as if you spend time apart you will move on without each other. (hopefully inm wrong)

Now as far as giving up the past,, Thats the hardest part.
I know when we are togather or even when not I think of what has happened way too much. I know i can forgive her for what she has done, and i really hope she can forgive me too and we can move forward with out relationship in a positive way but i realise its going to be hard on both of us. The only thing that will help us both forgive is time but im not one to want to give anything time. This is one thing that i have to change.

As of last night we both agreed to go with what we were told to do as a begining to getting through this togather. I'll Keep you posted.

Thanks

[Liz]

Dear Paguy

Good to hear from you again. I'm pleased to hear the counsellign wa helpful. You are quite right that forgiveness is not easy and takes time. Why not have a look at the article here (http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/marriageclinic/relbasictopic/forgive/) to see if you can find ways to help you through.

Liz